sorry this is late guys, i promise i'll get more to you this week. enjoy!

I'm sitting on my parent's bed on New Year's Eve watching my mom put on her makeup and jewelry. "What do you have planned for tonight?" Mom's voice shakes and I think I know why. Today marks a week that I've been back. And tonight is the first night that I won't be coming home until it's light out and my hangover is gone. Not like she needs to know about that last part.

I shrug and pull my legs to my chest, a habit I've unconsciously picked up. It makes me look smaller, "I'm going over to Jo's and Charlie is going to bring Lord of the Rings and I'm going to pass out from girl talk, but we're going to the square at eleven."

I stand up when mom walks over to me and I clasp her necklace for her, "Is there a certain girl you plan on kissing at midnight." She turns to me and smiles.

I shake my head and she smiles a little less, "The person I want to kiss-" Cas's full, pale, chapped lips come to mind and I blush, "I really like has black hair and the deepest blue eyes you've ever seen." Mom shoves my side and we walk into the living room, where she'll wait for dad to get home from work. It's 12:30. He's already half an hour late.

"What else does your perfect person have to have?"

Sometimes I don't think mom would care if I told her I was into dudes, it's just that I remember that she'd tell dad and I have no idea how he'd take it. "Well blue eyes are really nice…" mom never did get a good look at Cas, so end up describing him to her, leaving out all the parts that also belong to me…i.e. a y chromosome.

"I don't remember meeting anyone like that in Lawrence." Her tone is normal but there's tenseness in her posture, "Did you meet her while…" the sound of Dad's truck saves me from answering and I hurry off to my room to get my coat and keys. By the time I'm back in the living room dad is inside and mom's attention is on him and I leave without a second glance.

I pick up Charlie on the way, because Jo's house is on the other side of town and Charlie's got an apartment in town. We drive in silence, I can tell that she wants to talk to me but she's sitting on her hand. I get the image of a little kid being told to wait and since she's actually my age it's kind of terrifying; like a ticking bomb. We pull up to Jo's and there's no one here yet, from what I can tell because her driveway is empty besides her mother's car. Ellen comes out to the porch and instantly I feel cornered, "So what are y'all planning on doing tonight?"

Thankfully Jo has already told us the lie for this exact moment, "I brought the complete Lord of the Rings trilogy and we're going to nerd out." Ellen looks at Charlie, from her bright red hair to her comic book bag and she smiles at us.

"Just don't do anything stupid." She looks directly at me and I shrink back from her. Jo's annual parties had been my idea and if Ellen ever found out the only job I would qualify for is a paper weight, because she would tear me to pieces.

Jo comes out then and drags us inside and into her room. It's small and challenges my room for the mess that she calls organization. It's like a tornado came in and threw up clothes. Charlie kicks a spot clean and sits down, "I'm trying to not start cleaning."

I just sit down on all the chaos and toss a very provocative piece of clothing at Jo, "How come I never saw this while we were dating?"

"Because I had no taste then." Jo folds up the little black dress and tosses it at the dresser, it doesn't make it.

Charlie laughs and I just tune them out, Castiel had said he's take me back after the holidays, I wonder if he had counted New Year's as a holiday, or maybe he meant Groundhog Day and Valentines. Maybe I would have just kept listing off lame holidays. Maybe Cas plans on kissing someone tonight.

That thought pisses me off.

"Dean?"

I jump "So what time is everyone going to get here?"

Charlie looks up from her copy of the Hobbit she just pulled out of her bag, "You said eight right?"

"Something like that, that gives us seven hours to do whatever." Jo shrugs. I pick up another piece of slinky clothing and glare at the floor.

Charlie smiles, "I actually did bring the lord of the rings."

"That would take more than seven hours." I point out.

Charlie frowns but puts them back in her bag and opens up her Tolkien book. Jo scrunches up her face, thinking, "I have no idea, let's just watch TLR in the living room, we can get through a lot before anyone gets here." Charlie beams and we follow her downstairs. Jo folds herself up on the recliner and Charlie and I sit down on the couch. Every time the she-elf comes on she jams my ribs with her elbow and well…I can't see any other way of describing this other that swooning. After awhile it gets annoying so I jab her every time Aragorn comes on and she laughs even at the dramatic parts. Jo notices, "What the hell is wrong with you two?"

"I think Dean and I would be in a love rectangle."

People begin to arrive a few minutes to eight, most people stopped by to talk to me, ask me if I was ok. God Bobby was right, everyone knew. I shrug and tell them that I'm alright, which I am actually. About after an hour I'm forgotten and everybody's dancing and drinking. Jo's off in the living room forcing Charlie to mingle and I'm in a far corner chatting up some girl. I think her name is Anna. She smells like a girl does, all fruity and sweet. It's kind of weird, mainly because the last person I was this close to smelled like leather and the impala.

One second she's talking about her family and the next we're kissing and I didn't even know that she was into me. Her lips are too small, and when I pull at her waste she's so tiny, but her lips are soft and she's kissing me back with a desperation that I know. This is just going to be a quick fling.

Then we're stumbling outside, her hands are sliding all over my body and I'm somehow next to the impala. We're in it before I can even ask her if this is alright, she's pale in the moonlight. Her hands trace the freckles on my shoulders; she's so beautiful and amazing, and all I can think about is Cas's lips on mine and him asking why I wanted to be with him. I want to be with him because he's my sun. I open my eyes and it's almost too dark to see in the impala, I can only make out her frame. It's too dark.

"Dean?" I must have stopped moving, Anna props herself up on her elbows, "Are you alright?"

I want to lie to her, I want to just forget these past two months and be normal. God, what the hell is wrong with me? "I-" my voice breaks and Anna sits up and starts to put her shirt on, I can't tell if she's pissed or not but she's obviously gotten the idea, I can't do this. Before she leaves she puts a hand on my cheek and tells me that it's ok. "No, it's not." I say after she leaves.

I don't get up until a little before midnight, because Jo will be pissed if I don't countdown with her so I get up; throwing on my shirt and making sure my pants are still on correctly. Charlie is out on the porch by herself, "You ok?" I sit down next to her and she jumps.

Charlie glances at me and smiles, "I like looking at the stars." I look up with her and we sit in silence for a few minutes, "So Anna?"

I shake my head, but then I remember that she's not actually looking at me, "Nothing happened."

I look at her, to see her response, but she just keeps looking at the stars, "Yeah, well I figured as much. I didn't expect you to do the do with her."

I want to say something, but I don't.

"Anyways, I think she's cute and that would make it awkward between us."

I laugh, "It's almost midnight."

"I know." She puts her hand on my arm, "What's under this?" she pokes at my bandage. It's mostly healed now, it'll scar.

I scratch at the bandage, I could have taken it off earlier, and I know that it won't open up now. I just don't think I want other people to see it. "A signature."

"Whose?"

"Castiel's"

She doesn't say anything after that, not for a few minutes anyway, "Do you want to go inside?"

"Alright."

We stand by the doorway as everyone starts to come into the living, so we can all countdown together. Jo comes up beside us, her cheeks are flushed and her lipstick is smudged. I nudge her side and she slaps my arm. Charlie laughs at us and we all start counting back from ten.

In the afternoon I come home and sit down at the dining table, Sam takes charge and makes everyone sit in the perfect order and he organizes the table. I want to call him a girl so bad, but I don't because mom is watching us. So instead I trip him when she turns around.

"Mom!" Sam calls from the ground.

"You're such a little bitch." But I reach my hand out and help him up.

"What's that?" he's staring at my forearm, the one with Cas's name carved into me. Jo and Charlie convinced me last night that it was time to take it off. But that was already passed the point of a high blood-alcohol level. I look at Sam's face and it's a little green.

I jerk my hand away from him and roll down my sleeves, "Can't you read?"

Dinner's quiet, Mom and dad talk but Sam is quiet. It's always too quiet when he's in one of his moods. I eat my black-eyed peas and cabbage. But I don't feel like I'll have good look or good fortune this year. I should have eaten a double helping last year, and then maybe these last two months could have been different.