Fish and Henry had had lunch together every day this week. After learning that Fish was a runner, Henry had invited him out for a run after work. Even though Fish had had serious doubts about how well he'd be able to keep up with the much younger man, he'd immediately agreed. Getting it past Olivia was another matter so Fish hadn't even bothered trying. He'd told Olivia that he was staying late at work to oversee some firmware upgrades on the laboratory equipment. He hated lying but Olivia loved to make him feel guilty about spending any time away from home, especially for anything social.
His solution about this run was to not even mention it to Olivia. While she was making breakfast, Fish had covertly packed his running clothes into his messenger bag. He'd change and shower afterwards in Henry's hotel room. Christ, it's like I'm having an affair… he thought with a chuckle but, when he really put some thought into it, that was exactly what it was like. He actually laughed aloud as he drove. He'd just lied to his wife about his whereabouts so he could spend time with someone who he… who he had feelings for…
Fish felt his throat go dry. He pulled his car out of traffic, parking illegally against the kerb. He sat back. His jaw was open and a sinking feeling was in his chest. He loved spending time with Henry. He loved talking to him. Just the sound of his voice brightened Fish's day. But he didn't fancy him. Did he?
No, there was no way that he fancied Henry. He was a straight man. It was just a bit of a bromance. It was only natural. Henry was the first person that Fish had felt really connected to in years. He shook his head at the absurdity and looked at the car's clock. Henry was waiting for him. Fish was wasting time he could be spending with Henry. He was about to put the car in gear when he realised why he was so eager to see Henry. He'd been missing him since they'd had lunch… barely five hours ago. Every time he and Henry waved goodbye, all Fish could think about was when he could manage to see him again.
Being a man of science, Fish decided to test his hypothesis. Feeling a bit ridiculous, he closed his eyes and pictured Henry's face with the bemused expression that the other man so often gave him. A soft smile broke out over his own face as affection bubbled up in his chest. He let the feelings flow of their own accord and that was when he felt the affection turn into longing. He didn't want to be sitting in his car thinking. He wanted to see Henry. He wanted to hear his voice. He wanted to shake his hand as he often did now. Perhaps a short hug? Just to touch him… feel his hands… his lips…
He snapped his eyes open. Christ! He did fancy the man! The jolt of desire that shot through his chest and the blood rushing to extremely inappropriate places was proof positive!
Fish swallowed. He'd had vestiges of these feelings on and off all week but he'd dismissed them as excitement about making a new friend. He changed the equation around in his head, switching Henry's gender from male to female and immediately felt as if he'd been dropped into the middle of a sordid affair! Fish reexamined every moment he'd thought about or spent with Henry. From the very first blush, this man had stirred deep feelings in him. Now, in relative privacy, he let his mind wander a bit. He quirked a sad smile, imagining a romantic dinner or a movie… a lusty evening following. He swallowed. He knew immediately what he had to do.
He was a married man. He had a family. Continuing to see Henry, even to maintain their friendship was to tempt disaster. He needed to put an end to their friendship but that friendship was the best thing to happen to him since David had been born. He also had no idea how to go about ending things. He couldn't admit these feelings to Henry. Fish was a bit mortified about it especially since he'd chastised Henry for the very same thing. Perhaps, if he did things more indirectly… Henry was leaving for Glasgow in a few weeks and then returning to Canada. If Fish avoided him until then… With a deep sigh, Fish took out his mobile to ring Henry and give the other man some excuse he couldn't go on their run. He felt so guilty and sad. No, Henry was a good man with a good heart. Fish owed it to talk to him and tell him the truth. He dialed Henry's number and waited. He answered on the first ring.
"Joe, are you lost?" he asked and Fish could feel the bemused expression on Henry's face through the mobile.
"No, I'm not lost, Henry," he replied, smiling sadly. "I… I'm afraid I can't make it out tonight." Coward…
"Ah, your wife has objected. Think nothing of it, Joe," Henry said with a slight laugh. "I am taking a hiking trip into the countryside this weekend."
"Hiking?" Fish asked, surprised. Henry didn't seem like the out of doors sort.
"I enjoy excursions into the countryside to paint and sketch. Pennine Way is quite scenic. It is only to be a short day trip, leaving early Saturday morning and returning that night," Henry replied. His voice became a bit hesitant. "I was… I was wondering if you would, perhaps… if you were agreeable… if you'd… would like to join me? It is excellent exercise and quite peaceful. It would be easier on your knee than running."
David had football practice on Saturdays. Fish cursed himself for a moment. He'd rang Henry to tell him that this was the end of their friendship. Now, he was considering skiving off one of his son's activities to spend the day with Henry in the countryside. He had a ridiculous feeling he was in his own version of Brokeback Mountain. That movie didn't end so well… he thought and sighed.
Just one day… Fish decided. He'd spend one last long day with Henry and then say goodbye. He felt the universe owed him at least that much.
"That sounds great, Henry. I'd love to," Fish replied.
"If you believe it will cause difficulty at home-"
"I haven't had a day to myself in ten years, Henry. I think I'm due," Fish interrupted.
Henry laid out their plans. After Fish admitted to never having been hiking before, he also gave him some advice on what to bring and how to dress. He also advised the purchase a pair of actual hiking boots rather than wearing trainers.
"The shop will be able to find you something suitable, Joe," Henry said. "I'll see you Saturday."
"See you then, Henry," Fish said and rang off.
He pulled his car back into traffic, amazed a traffic constable hadn't told him off for being illegally parked for so long. He knew precisely how Olivia was going to react to this impromptu hiking trip because, unfortunately, he'd had plenty of experience with it. Fish found himself not really caring. In fact, the closer he got to home, the less he cared, and by the time he pulled into up to his house, he was almost itching for a row.
He'd arrived just in time for dinner, immediately making up some lie about the upgrade being moved last minute. He also put on a bit about being cross that he'd had to stay late for nothing. After their meal, Fish had some video game time with David. The two of them chatted about the weekend and Fish's plans for a hiking trip. When they were done, Fish put his son to bed and then bracing himself, he went downstairs tell Olivia.
He knew Olivia would treat him like a bloody child, like he was asking permission to go out and play with his friend. When David had been younger and Fish would bring up some sort of social activity or event he wanted to attend with his friends, Olivia would mention some family activity as a substitute. The polite suggestion of an alternative quickly stopped and Olivia's cajoling turning more bitter and nasty. Eventually expecting refusal, his friends had stopped even asking and then, on the rare occasion they did ask, Olivia would raise such a fuss that Fish would decide it wasn't worth it. He'd give in just to keep the peace.
"Absolutely not, Joe!" she barked. "I forbid it!"
And there it is… not this time… Fish told himself as he leaned forward. He stared her down hard, narrowing his eyes.
"Let's get one thing straight here, Olivia. Your son is upstairs not standing in front of you," Fish said, coldy. "I've turned a blind eye when you've talked down to me like that in the past but I won't tolerate it anymore. You are not my fucking mother."
There was so much ice and vemon in his voice that Olivia's eyes actually went wide and she leaned backwards. She recovered quickly and Fish could tell she was regrouping and heading for her usual 'Plan B'.
"Don't you want to stay at home with your family, Joe?" Livie whinged. "David has football practice this weekend!"
And there it was again. The chain of events was so familiar that it made Fish even more angry. "I know that, Olivia, because David has football practice every weekend during the season. I am still going hiking."
"Well, you're going to be the one telling him you're missing it so that you can go have fun on your own!" she snapped.
"I already talked to him, Livie. If he had a real problem with me going-"
"Of course he isn't going to have a problem with you going, Joe! He's nine! If you ask him permission to go-"
"I didn't ask his permission," Fish interrupted. "I'm his father, Olivia. I give him permission to do things not the other way round. I told him I was going. I asked him if he was disappointed. He told me that he was and we talked about it."
"You talked about it? You purposefully go disappointing your son-"
"Livie, for Christ's sake! Will you stop babying him! People will let him down all the time in life-"
"All the more reason for him to learn that we will always be there for him!" she interrupted. She waved her arm up at the ceiling.
"He already knows that. We talked and we worked it out. He's okay-"
"And you think a nine year old boy is going to tell his father differently?" she retorted.
He was really tired of her interrupting him. He tried to calm his frustration. "You want to know how it went? He told me he was disappointed I was missing his practice and I told him that I get disappointed when he stays at his friends' and we miss our video game time together. He said he understood that I need time with my friends the same way he needs time with his. He's a good kid, Livie."
She didn't seem to have a response to that, instead she shifted gears again. "Who is this person anyway?"
"He's my friend," Fish said, flatly. He sincerely hoped that Olivia wasn't heading where he thought she was and planning to attack Henry directly. Protectiveness rose up in him. "You're the one who wanted to go to that art show. Well, I talked to the artist. He's a nice bloke. We had lunch together and he invited me hiking."
Olivia was shaking her head as she turned away from him. "I still don't understand why you want to go off and spend the weekend with someone you've just met rather than spending it with your family."
"Firstly, it's not the 'whole weekend', it's just Saturday and I am not going to let you guilt me into wanting some time to myself, Livie. How many times have I suggested you and I get away, just the two of us? How many times have you said no? Every. Single. Bloody. Time."
Olivia didn't answer him, she just shook her head. Fish ignored her and continued. He had no idea why he was even justifying his decision to her but he needed to get it off his chest a bit.
"What am I supposed to do, Livie? Just because you won't go somewhere with me doesn't mean I want to be a prisoner in my own home. I never see any of my old mates anymore! The only people we ever socialise with are other parents and their kids! I need to feel like a grown up once in a while! I am taking one day for myself." He was losing his temper. Before he could stop himself, he hissed, "David has completely taken over our lives. We can barely keep up with him and you want to have another one?"
She rounded on him.
"I'm not getting any younger, Joe," she spat.
He hadn't meant to turn this conversation down that road. He'd accidentally steamrolled straight into it. He'd made his bed, now he had to lay in it. "That's my point, Livie. David is exhausting. You and I never get out together as it is. We haven't gone on holiday since David was born-"
"We've gone on plenty of holidays!" Olivia tried to interrupt.
"Not just the two of us!" Fish corrected. "We never even got a honeymoon because you were on bed rest right from the start."
"Children are about sacrifice, Joe," Olivia said, for the thousandth time.
"I know that, Livie. I'd give my life for our son. I'm not talking about becoming absentee parents and leaving David with sitters all the time. I'm talking about finding some balance. I want to be able to have time and energy for us and myself too," he insisted. "I don't understand why you're not happy with the way things are."
"I am happy, Joe, but I know we can be happier," she insisted… again.
"If you're happy, Livie, why do you want another baby? Isn't David enough?" he asked.
"That's not fair, Joe!" Olivia protested.
"The same way it isn't fair when you tell me I should be happy enough with David to want to add to our family or when you tell me that I should love David enough to give him a sibling," Fish retorted.
It was the same reasons and objections they'd said to each other over and over and over again. The argument was completely circular and, as always, going no where.
"You have a sister, Joe!" Olivia exclaimed. "Your parents are gone! Aren't you happy you're not alone? That you have Anna?"
Fish sighed. This was another bloody point that Olivia brought up time and again.
"Livie, Anna is halfway around the world! I haven't seen her, Robert or the kids in years. We don't even speak outside holidays," Fish pointed out. "Giving David a sibling doesn't mean they're going to be best friends forever!"
And then Olivia did what she always did every single time he brought up a logical, sensible objection…
She said, "We're not supposed to be discussing this here."
…and then began doing housework. She turned towards the dishwasher and started emptying it. Fish rolled his eyes. The subject was so volatile that their therapist had declared it to be taboo outside of their sessions. Frustrated and angry, Fish turned towards the stairs.
As he walked away, Olivia said, "The longer we discuss and talk, the more time ticks away, Joe."
"Livie," Fish said, sighing. He'd had enough of her whinging about her biological clock. Over half a year of this bollocks and he was done. It was time for the truth. Actually the truth was long overdue. He should have admitted it from the start, maybe he could have avoided all of this. They'd been together for nearly a decade and a half. She was his wife. She was the mother of his son. He owed it to her to tell her now and not wait for some ridiculous therapy session. "Livie, listen to me, because this is the long and short of it. I do not want to have another child and that is never going to change no matter how much therapy we go to or how much time goes by."
"What about what I want, Joe?" Olivia snapped.
Fish sighed. He took Olivia's hand in his. The anger had drained away and there was nothing left but defeat. He said, quietly, "Livie. Livie, look at me."
He waited until Olivia lifted her head.
In a sad and level voice, he continued, "We're not talking about what color we want to paint the lounge or which welsh dresser we want in the dining room. I agreed to the therapy because I wanted to see a solution, I did. But there is no way to compromise here."
Fish hadn't wanted it to come to this. He'd hoped that Olivia would come around to his point but then again, he knew that she'd hoped for the same thing. He hesitated because once he said what he was about to say that there was no going back.
"Having another child isn't something you're going to do with me, Olivia," Fish said, gently.
"What are you saying, Joe?" Olivia asked.
"I'm saying that for fourteen years, we've always wanted the same things. That's changed and now it's changing us. I'll keep going to the therapy, Olivia, but I'll do it so that you and I can work through this not so that you or anyone else can talk me into having another child because that is never going to happen."
Fish turned and walked out of the kitchen. He went up the stairs and walked past his son's room. He could hear David, playing a video game even though he was supposed to be sleeping. When he pushed the door open and leaned in, David's face became panicked and he looked as if he was trying to decide where to hide the controller in his hand while simultaneously coming up with some excuse or lie. Instead of telling his son off for not going to bed, Fish stepped into his room. He sat down next to him and ruffled his hair playfully. He smiled affectionately, picked up the second controller and joined him.