Chapter 14

Sheldon looked at his watch. It was 3:55 p.m. Amy would be arriving any minute now to take Leonard to a wedding.

Sheldon sat up straighter, holding his Mystic Warlords of Ka'a cards closer, trying to decide which card to play. He had decided he didn't care if Amy took Leonard on a platonic date. It wasn't as if he wanted to go to the wedding. He had decided long ago that romantic attachments weren't for him, so he didn't see why he should change his stance now. He laid down the "strangling vines" card.

There was a knock at the door, but Sheldon ignored it.

"Sheldon?" Leonard called from his bedroom. "Could you get the door please?"

"No," Sheldon yelled back.

"Sheldon," Howard said. "What is wrong with you?" Howard got up and answered the door, as Raj shook his head at Sheldon.

Amy walked through the door, wearing a bright pink ensemble.

"Hello Howard. Raj. Sheldon," Amy said to each of them in turn.

"Hello, Amy," replied Howard, while Raj nodded in greeting.

Sheldon merely took a drink of his water bottle.

Amy frowned, looking hurt, causing Sheldon to feel a twinge of something, which he chose to ignore. When he had awoken this morning, he had decided that Amy's completely lack of consideration to their friendship was very off putting, and that he was officially upset with her. Regardless of what her thoughts were regarding whether or not he would say yes to being her wedding date, he would have thought that she would have at least considered asking him, her good friend, before the likes of Leonard.

Leonard walked out, dressed in a suit and tie. "Hello Amy. You look lovely."

Sheldon turned to Howard. "It's your turn. Although how you're going to beat my strangling vines card, when all you have left is an 'enchanted bunny' card, I don't know."

Howard rolled his eyes, and threw down his card, as Leonard opened the door and gestured for Amy to go out ahead of him.

The door closed just as Raj threw down his last card, and they declared Sheldon the winner. Sheldon almost didn't register his triumph. He was too busy narrowing his eyes at the door.

Raj turned to Howard, "Hey, you want to go out tonight?"

"Naw," Howard replied. "I'm still trying to get Bernadette to believe that I'm not a sleaze ball. I don't think going to a bar will help with that."

Raj sighed. "Not that I'm not happy for you dude, but you having a girlfriend is putting a serious damper on my social life. I have no one to go to a bar to pick up women with."

Howard shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you, Raj."

Sheldon turned to the pair of them. "I'll go to a bar with you Raj."

Raj frowned as Howard's mouth dropped open. "You will?"

Sheldon shrugged. "Why not?"

"Why not?" repeated Howard, incredulously. "Since when do you go to bars?"

"Since now."

"Is this because of Amy is on a date with Leonard?"

Sheldon glared at Howard. "Amy is not on a date with Leonard. They just went as friends…and no. This has nothing to do with Amy."

Raj rolled his eyes. "Come on, Sheldon. Just admit it. It's obvious you're upset because you would rather Amy have asked you."

Sheldon turned his glare towards Raj. "If you're not careful, you'll find yourself without a partner tonight."

"Dude. You won't be my 'partner'. You'll be my 'wingman'."

"What's the difference?" Sheldon asked, suddenly confused.

"The difference is a wingman helps pick up women. A partner helps pick out drapes."

Sheldon frowned. "I don't follow."

Raj rolled his eyes. "Never mind."

Sheldon shrugged. "So where are we going?"

Howard held up a hand, eyebrows raised. "Wait a minute. You're serious?"

Sheldon looked at him. "Have you ever known me not to be?"

"You mean to tell me, that you're going to go out to a bar with Raj to pick up women?"

"Well…I'll more than likely forgo the women myself, but I suppose it won't hurt to help Raj obtain a sexual partner for the evening."

Howard turned to Raj. "Good luck with that. With Sheldon as your wingman, I'd be preparing to sleep alone tonight."

Howard stood up. "Well, gentlemen, enjoy your evening. I have an evening of groveling ahead of me, myself. See you later."

After Howard left, Raj turned to Sheldon. "Are you really serious about going to a bar with me? As my wingman?"

"Of course," Sheldon replied. "Why would I joke about something like that? I don't know why you and Howard are having such a hard time grasping the concept that I might wish to spend the evening helping a friend."

Raj raised his eyebrows. "How about because you've never done anything like that ever?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Well, I'm doing something like that now." He stood up. "Shall we go?"

Raj looked at his watch. "It's 4:15 in the afternoon."

"So?"

Raj snorted. "So, there aren't going to be any good looking women at a bar at 4:15 in the afternoon."

"And that's important to you then?"

"Of course."

Sheldon thought for a moment. "Yes, I can see why. If by chance you were able to find a woman to copulate with, and she were to find herself accidentally carrying your progeny, then you'd want to make sure that the mate you had chosen to have an illegitimate child with at least had beauty…since one could assume she wouldn't have brains, after having had a one night stand and finding herself pregnant."

Raj stared for a moment. "Right."

"So when are we going then?"

"I don't know…10:00?"

Sheldon was appalled. "We're going to leave at 10:00? Good Lord Raj, what kind of a person goes out at 10:00?"

"The kind of person hoping to meet hot women."

"How about we leave at 7:00 and you settle for an average looking woman?"

Raj thought about it for a moment and then shrugged. "Ok."

Raj and Sheldon walked up to the bar to order drinks.

"I'll have a grasshopper, and my friend here will have a virgin diet Cuba Libre."

"Actually," interjected Sheldon, "forget the virgin."

Raj looked at Sheldon in surprise. "You're going to drink alcohol?"

Sheldon shrugged. "Why not? I believe it's considered social convention to have a drink in a bar, especially when one is hoping to pick up women."

Raj frowned, looking confused. "Are you hoping to pick up women?"

"No."

"Then why would you need to follow social convention?"

Sheldon shrugged. "Why not?"

The bartender set down their drinks, rolling his eyes and shaking his head, and then walked away.

Sheldon grabbed his diet Cuba Libre and took a drink. He made a face. It tasted disgusting. Why did people enjoy these disgusting beverages? He took another drink, making another face.

He turned to Raj, still shuddering. "Have you found a woman to copulate with yet?"

Raj shushed him. "Not yet…and I never will if you keep saying things like that."

"Oh. Right…so what should I say?"

"Don't say anything. Just…nod when I tell a woman a ridiculous lie."

Sheldon blinked at Raj. "I don't know if I can do that? What if you tell a woman that you enjoyed the Dare Devil movie?"

Raj rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to tell a woman I enjoyed the Dare Devil movie…it'll probably be something more along the lines of, I came 'this close' to becoming an astronaut, but decided my real passion lay in saving lives as a fireman."

Sheldon nodded. "Oh, well, that I can nod to." He took another drink of his drink. This time it didn't taste so bad. Sheldon realized he was feeling kind of thirsty, so he took another drink. He was starting to wonder what he had found so disgusting about the drink. It turns out, it's not half bad. He only had one third of the drink left, so he downed it and requested another.

He put his hand on Raj's shoulder and giggled.

Raj looked over at him, eyebrows raised. "Did you just giggle?"

Sheldon grinned. "Your name is funny. Rajesh." Sheldon giggled again. "Ra…jesh." Now that he was saying it out loud, Sheldon found it positively hilarious.

"Dude! Calm down! You're drawing attention…and not the right kind of attention."

Sheldon threw his arm around Raj. "There's no such thing as not the right kind of attention." He threw his arm up and spoke to the people nearest them, "Am I right? Which one of you ladies here wants to copulate with my friend Rajesh Koothrapali? He's from India!"

"And where are you from?" a woman asked, walking up to Sheldon. She sat down in the bar stool that was next to them.

"Me? I'm from Texas." Sheldon took a drink of his beverage. "But, this guy," Sheldon shoved Raj in the woman's direction. "This guy is the one you want. He is looking for someone to copulate with. Are you looking for someone to copulate with?"

Raj, held up his hands, saying, "I'm so sorry." He turned to Sheldon. "Sheldon!"

"What?"

"Stop it!"

"Stop what?" Sheldon threw his arm around Raj again. "Stop trying to be a perfect wingman? Stop trying to, to use the colloquialism, 'hook you up' with this lovely woman?" He gestured to the woman on the seat, who was now giggling.

"You know what this bar needs?" Sheldon asked. "A karaoke machine." He turned around and slapped the bar. "Bartender!" Raj was attempting to grab Sheldon's arm to pull him away, but Sheldon flung him off.

The bartender looked over at Sheldon with raised eyebrows. Sheldon pointed at him. "Do you know what you need? A karaoke machine!"

"And do you know what you need?" asked the bartender.

"What's that?" Sheldon replied.

"You need to lay off the diet rum and cokes. It's not even 8:00." The bartender gestured to Raj. "How about you control your friend here?"

"Pffffft." Sheldon swatted his hand. "I'm fine."

Raj pulled on Sheldon's arm again. "Sheldon, maybe we should go. You're obviously drunk."

Sheldon scoffed. "I'm not drunk…maybe you're drunk." He pulled his arm away from Raj, and ran to stand up on a barstool.

"The stars at night! Are big and bright!" clap clap clap clap "Deep in the heart, of Texas!" He gestured to the crowd, which was now staring at him, some laughing. "Everyone! The prairie sky! Is wide and high!" clap clap clap clap "Deep in the heart, of Texas!"

"That's it," said the bartender, turning to Raj. "Get him out of here, before I call the cops."

Raj pulled on Sheldon's pants leg, causing Sheldon to become unbalanced and fall off the barstool, hitting his head on the bar on the way down.

"Owie," was the last thing Sheldon remembered saying before he blacked out.

The next thing he knew, Sheldon was waking up, on the bottom of a bar floor, with Raj, and several other people surrounding him.

"Sheldon, are you ok?" Raj asked.

Sheldon put a hand to his head, which was feeling rather painful. "I'm fine."

Raj frowned. "Are you sure? I think we should go to the emergency room. You hit your head pretty hard."

Sheldon scoffed. "And wait around for hours in a germ infested waiting room, just to be told that I have a concussion? I'd rather sit around here and drink some more. All this time, I've been wrong. Alcohol is yummy!"

Raj raised his eyebrows. "Oh. Kay. We're taking you home."

"Pfffft. I don't need to go home."

Raj grabbed Sheldon's arm and put it around his shoulder, helping Sheldon get to his feet. Sheldon looked over at Raj, grinned, and said. "You're a great friend. I love you."

"That's great," replied Raj, starting to walk towards the door. Just before they left the bar, the woman who had been talking to them, came running up with a baggie full of ice.

"Here," she said, handing it to Raj, "for his head." Then she winked at Raj and handed him a piece of paper. "And this is for you. Call me."

Raj looked at the paper as she walked away, and then at Sheldon. "You're a better wingman than I thought."

Raj helped Sheldon up the stairs in his apartment building. Sheldon's head was starting to hurt, even with the bag of ice pressed up against it. But Sheldon kept giggling every time he remembered Raj's name. He kept repeating it to himself. "Rajesh. Raj. Esh. Raaaaajeeeeesh."

When they reached the top of the stairs to Sheldon's floor, Amy and Leonard were standing outside the door, chatting. They both looked over at Sheldon and Raj.

Sheldon grinned. "Hello Amy. Leonard. I hit my head." He pulled his arm from around Raj's shoulder, and stumbled over to Amy. He took away the ice pack and pointed. "See?"

Amy was just staring at him, so Sheldon leaned forward, and kissed her.

A/N: Thoughts? Click the review button. :)