At around one am, Thomas Lightman stirred in his sleep, his eyes fluttering open, falling on the face of his son sitting quietly and wide awake next to his bed. Cal smiled up at him but it never reached his eyes. He stood up and moved to the side of the bed, sitting down on the edge. Twiddling his thumbs in his lap, Cal watched his fingers for a minute before looking up to his father's face.
"So you ready to tell me why you did it?" Thomas Lightman's face was completely still for a moment. Then slowly, he blinked and Cal took a deep breath.
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Cal wasn't sure how to proceed. It was possibly the first time in his life that he wasn't sure what he was doing. Or at least the first time since he'd been a young, stupid 20 year old. He swallowed hard.
"Why'd you leave us dad?" he asked finally. Thomas Lightman closed his eyes for a moment – deep shame, Cal thought and somehow it didn't make him feel any better even though he thought it should have. His father looked away from him. More shame. For a moment, Cal seemed to forget that his father wouldn't be talking back to him and that the conversation was his to hold. He took a deep breath.
"Was it because of Mum's illness?" Thomas Lightman nodded his head once, his eyes closing again. Suddenly Cal thought back to what Zoe had said to him and he wondered if this was a good idea. If it was really fair. But then the questions in his mind overtook him.
"What about us? Did you not think that maybe we might have needed you with something like that going on?" Cal watched his father's face, reading fear in his eyes. He sighed. Of course he was afraid, they had all been afraid. He shook his head sadly.
"I know that. But we were all afraid. We all had to deal with it." On this note, Thomas Lightman's face took on a different reading and Cal knew exactly what was going on in his head.
"I dealt with it in my own way. I had to do it that way, even if you didn't approve. It didn't matter what you thought, you were already gone. And we wouldn't even be able to have this bloody conversation if I hadn't dealt with it the way I did!" Thomas Lightman closed his eyes again, letting out a loud sigh. Cal realised sleep was beginning to descend on him again. He reached forward, catching his dad's hand, watching as the man's eyes reopened. He pursed his lips before looking his dad in the eye.
"I don't condone what you did to us. We needed you and you weren't there. But…I've done the same to you the last few years. And despite the fact that you've never apologised for what happened…two wrongs don't make a right. Which I suppose, means that, this will always be wrong, we will both always have been wrong on this. But, for what's it worth, I'm sorry. And, I forgive you." As Cal closed his eyes, he felt his father's hand tighten around his and he pursed his lips again, this time as a reactor to try and stop his eyes from welling up. He stood up.
"I'll be back in, in the morning. Get some sleep." He smiled briefly before picking up his coat and exiting the room. Thomas Lightman lay static for a moment before slowly, he reached across and pushed the button for his nurse.
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