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Thank you to all my fans that have stuck with me

I awoke to the sounds of someone pounding on the door. There was a crash and screaming and immediately I was up and to the stairs leading down. From here I couldn't see the door but I could hear more clearly; I recognized the voices almost instantaneously and I felt my breath hitch in my throat.

Usami and Takahiro

I made my way to the front door where the voices were getting louder and louder but I could barely hear them over the sound of my heart banging in my chest. I heard the faint outline of my name said but nothing else made it to my brain.

The closer I got to the door, to him, the harder my heart thumped in my chest and I began to sweat; my palms becoming slick with nervous.

I rounded the corner with my breath held and it came out in a puff the moment I saw him. I wonder if there's a way to describe how I felt in that moment. It was like a cigarette and a red bull after a long day of work, like the first meal after a long time without eating, like air rushing back in when all the oxygen was gone.

Relief

All pain was gone, all thoughts were put away, all the weight and heartache and everything that was on my shoulders was gone. I could breathe and it was beautiful.

He was beautiful

And then it was gone.

Usamis' eyes slide from Nii-chan to me and went dead. He stopped mid-sentence and his eyes held me in a death glare. I knew in that moment that even if Nii-chan didn't hate me, didn't understand my unworthiness and was still willing to treat me kindly; Usami-san did. He knew, he understood and he hated me for it.

Cold

His eyes where cold, not the blazing anger I expected but a kind of deathly still anger that overwhelmed me and scared me more than I could ever began to explain.

"It's all your fault, if it wasn't for you…" he began but was quickly interrupted and snarled at by Nii-chan

But that wasn't what I wanted, I wanted to hear him say it, I wanted him to confirm it because if he said it…to me it would mean it was true. Not one person had said what I had been thinking and I almost respected Usami for being the first person to final come out and say what I'm sure everyone had been thinking.

Either way it was enough.

I didn't cry, I didn't do anything, my heart squeezed and my body burned with a fever that I never knew I could feel. It blazed into every corner of my body, turning my skin pink with heat. At that same moment as heat blazed around me, burning me with its intensity; a kind of cold blew through me. It froze my insides, turning them to ice. How was this? What was this?

How could something ever hurt this much?

I turned away from the arguing couple that was now talking in whispers and left them to be together, what was I to do? What was I to say? What did I expect from Usami?

Hate

Why does something that you already know make you hurt?

Despite everything I wished them to be happy, to get married; hopefully what I had done hadn't ruin anything. Despite everything Nii-chan has always been there for me, has always cared for me even when there were easier options. Despite everything I love my brother more than anything and I loved Usami more than anything…I just want them to be happy even if it means that their together.

Anything less would ruin me

Some days I do really think I'm getting better, when I don't think and don't focus I really do think I'm getting better. Some days I smile for real, or something makes me giggle and it's real. Sometimes I feel ashamed of these moments…why should I be allowed to be happy like that? Sometimes I don't and then times like now I'm ashamed that I didn't feel ashamed during those times.

I've come to realize that no matter what I feel during those times it doesn't really matter. As long as no one finds out I think those things it doesn't matter. Besides it makes Nii-chan smile sometimes and that's more than I can say for a lot of things.

I never did ask about what they were arguing about nor did I ever bring Usami-san back up again even though I missed him more than I thought was humanly possible or healthy. I didn't want to see them together but I did want to see him.

Nii-chan started going back to work after the first month of me being home but as a precaution he hired the pretty nurse Manami to watch me well he was gone as she had done while I was at the hospital. I hated it and her at first but after a while I began to slightly enjoy the company…when she was quiet. My favorite times are when we are curled up on our own couches with a book and only silence as the back ground music.

Sometimes I hate silence and sometimes I love it.

I sometimes hear Nii-chan crying all alone at night; times like those I would love silence. I want to ask him what makes him cry and have sleepless nights. I want to ask a lot of questions but I can't.

I don't have the right

Not the right to ask or the worthiness to be given an answer

I'm the one that stays silent using his tears as a way to remind myself what I have done by breathing, by failing, by being me.

It's my fault

If only things were different

If only I hadn't fallen in love

And even with that said I wouldn't change my feelings for him for the world because it's beautiful. Even though it's corrupt and terribly miserable and painful and hateful and full of spite;

It's beautiful

And it's mine.

Please R & R

Sorry it's shorter than chapters before

Also, this is unedited (so be gentle)

As always any advice or questions or anything about the story let me know, I always try to write back and I'd love to hear from anyone. Thanks again to my fans.