Cat's Cradle (An Illyana's Passage Story)
Author's note: This chapter has taken me some time to write and turned out to be longer then most of my chapters (the title says it well). Just why is because the characters are in a transitional stage. I know the ending of the story (heck I've already written it) but how they get there is still in flux.
This story is dedicated to "guest" as their review was nice (reviews are like dessert to a writer). Keep them coming!
Hope you enjoy. Oh, and this chapter explains why oddly appropriate music tends to show up around Illyana. The reality of that is when I tend to work weekends (overtime) and I put random play my music collection, when I hear an "Illyana'ish song" I take note for later possible use. Always liked the song live and let die in regards to Illyana.
Part 14a: Days of our lives
Illyana awoke with a start and started to pant in panic, which woke up Katherine.
After a long and rather exhausting day the two had returned to the lean-to to sleep, thereby discovering that the lean-to now had two sleeping pads and two sets of blankets. After some minor small talk the two had pushed the pads together and then had gone to sleep, only to have Illyana awaken hours later.
Katherine had enhanced senses, hearing, smell, taste. She immediately sensed that Illyana was very upset.
"Cat"? Illyana both said and asked, as she turned to look at Katherine, with that tone of voice that a child has as they are about to start crying.
Katherine did not correct Illyana about calling her Cat this time as Illyana appeared to be having a "moment". Illyana started to cry and Katherine leaned over to Illyana and hugged her.
Katherine make comforting sounds while Illyana bawled her eyes out. "There there. It's ok. Nothing is going hurt you. It's ok...".
After a good long cry Illyana finally calmed down enough for Katherine to ask her what had upset her.
"I... I was being... tortured, hurt. Hurt so bad". Katherine froze as she was hugging Illyana.
Illyana continued, little sob hiccups interrupting her talk. "She was blond... and dressed in green. I was... I was hanging on a wall and I hurt so bad. I was starving, so thirsty, and it went on for weeks and weeks and weeks... She... kept hurt me but I couldn't... I couldn't die"!
Katherine breathed an internal sigh of relief, not Katherine then. Katherine was a brunet.
Katherine then felt a sudden surge of burning hot rage. That somebody had hurt her Kit (one of Illyana's nicknames that Katherine had used back when they had been in the wilds of Limbo oh so many years ago). Then surprise that she felt rage. Katherine's feeling were... jumbled. To go from being terrified and hating Illyana to now feeling her former possessive and protective feelings was... disconcerting and disturbing.
"It's ok now. I think it is a memory of something that happened to you a long time ago. She can't hurt you now".
Illyana's response at first confused Katherine but as Illyana explained her answer Katherine felt herself go slightly cold. A reminder that Illyana was not a little girl despite her current mental condition.
"I know. That's why I was crying. I... I escaped with ?friends? We had her with us. I... I sent my friends back to where we had escaped from and then... then... I... I ended up hurting her back. I did to her even worse then what she did me. And I... I LIKED IT! That's why I was crying. I liked it so much, but by the end I was so upset that I liked it. I cried and I cried and I cried in the dream. That's when I woke up".
Odd, as Katherine comforted Illyana there was a bit of pride in how she felt about Illyana. After all, Katherine would have likely done the same to anybody who had willfully done that to her (Author, remember that Cat is so not Kitty Pryde in so many ways), and in fact had.
After a few more hiccups from Illyana she finally went back to sleep, thereby allowing Katherine to go back to sleep as well only to now have a bad dream of her own.
Katherine awoke with a start to find herself crying and Illyana now being the one to hold and hugging her from behind. Cat had always been a dangerous person to touch when asleep, yet somehow her body had known that it was Illyana and she had not lashed out in defense.
Katherine remembered the dream and began to retch and have the dry heaves into a small bucket which had somehow materialized next to her while she slept (like the blasted spell knew what has going to happen). Not much came up, but it was the vile memory that kept her trying to empty herself.
Finally she leaned back from the bucket and just cried while Illyana continued to hold her. Finally Illyana softly asked a question.
"Was... were you being hurt"?
Katherine didn't answer for a while. Should she answer? She was so ashamed, so horrified, so disgusted with herself.
Yet... maybe that was why Illyana was here with her now. Somebody to share the horrors with, a fellow victim of Belasco's cruelty and evil. One who... who not only would not judge, but... one who had done... so many bad things as well.
Cat had lived a long time in Limbo, done things, had things done to her. But... the things that Belasco had done had... had...
Katherine spoke slowly and softly.
"It was Kurt, Nightcrawer. It was just after we were captured by Belasco and he had turned me into Cat in form as well as name. The first thing he made me do, the first of so many... defilements. I... I...".
More sudden retching. When it was done Katherine continued in a whisper.
"I ate Kurt's body. Over the next few days that's what he fed me. Had me eat. It was just meat to me, it... I... I was so reduced...".
Dawn found them both still awake, for rather obvious reasons neither of them had felt much like sleeping again.
A basket of bread and cheese and fresh icy cold milk also greeted them that morning and each morning from then on, which was good as Katherine didn't eat meat again for over a week.
They got up, found fresh clothing, which included undergarments, and went about their day of bathing, exercise, training, and after a week, hunting as well.
So went the next two months.
Not every night had bad dreams. Not all the dreams were bad. But each had somebody to comfort them when the night terrors returned.
Katherine grew more into herself. Illyana remembered things but remained as she was.
Funny how having to take care of Illyana was helping Katherine deal with so many issues.
Part 14b: Days of our lives
Over the next two months Katherine learned a few more things about herself.
She found that something was missing, and she was both profoundly glad to be gone and troubled by its absence. She'd been transformed into her cat body so long ago, with that transformation had come thoughts, ideas, and impulses that she had always thought were related to the transformed body. But now she knew that some of those... impulses had not really be her own. They had been indications of Belasco's evil, his corruption; something that Ororo had likely understood but Katherine had been unable to comprehend. A kind of blind spot. One that had only been shown when Belasco had enslaved her.
But was the evil, the corruption gone? Or had it just been transferred somewhere else? She was... concerned that it had gone into Illyana and this concern led her to muse upon her actions in taking Illyana from Ororo and training her in the wilds of Limbo. She... she wasn't sure she'd done the right thing.
Katherine also learned quite a lot about Illyana.
For one Illyana did not menstruate. Neither did Katherine, but that was expected by Katherine. Katherine hadn't menstruated for a long time. Katherine didn't know if the lack of menstruation was normal for Illyana, the result of some spell, was medical, or was a clue about something. And Illyana's current mental state made asking her mute point. Illyana had been too young to menstruate when she was in the Limbo wilderness with Katherine, and both the diet and exercise regime had delayed those aspects of puberty anyway (her body fat index would have been far too low).
Another thing she learned was that even as Illyana regained memories she did not mature in her mental state. The memories were there, but were left unaccessed unless Illyana thought about them, which really only happened when prompted by Katherine. And the aspects of personality that should have come with the memories were also unassimilated.
Another interesting factoid was that Katherine always knew where Illyana was. It was an understanding that slowly grew into something actively thought upon. Vector and distance. Katherine unfailing just knew where Illyana was. At first Katherine had paid it no mind, just assumed it was here senses, but as she became more and more... well herself, she realized she always knew exactly where Illyana was.
To test it she had Illyana do a long run about the enclosure without her. She could sense were Illyana was and whenever she stopped moving. It was... odd. Like Illyana was somehow an extension of Katherine. She asked if Illyana could sense Katherine that way and Illyana had said no. Apparently it was a one way link.
Katherine mused upon Illyana's earlier words, back when she had still had the mind of an adult (You're not bound to me. I'm... I think I did the reverse, I bound myself to you").
The sense of location was yet another indication of the binding that Illyana had spoke of.
Part 14c: Days of our lives
In many ways Katherine felt herself to be building upon the ruble that had been Cat and Kitty Pryde. Kitty had been hot headed more then a few times, Cat had been quick to strike, Katherine was finding herself becoming ... introspective? She wasn't sure, but then she wasn't sure about many things now.
Nights could be rough for the both of them. There was a lot of abuse to mentally digest and it liked to find expression in dreams. Illyana tended to have more bad dreams then Katherine, but then Katherine had no problems remembering what had happened to her, it was the forgetting that she was having problems with.
Usually they spoke to each other about the dreams, either upon wakening from a nightmare and/or the following day. It was a great comfort to Katherine to have somebody to talk to who had undergone so many similar abuses, yet very troubling as the person who had been abused had been so much younger then herself.
From these talks she learned much about the teenage Illyana's life, but viewed through the mind of a nine year old.
How she had found so many of her interactions with the so called "New Mutants" to be unfair. Most of them had apparently always thought the worse of her regardless of what she did or tried. Especially some boy called Berto (whom Illyana apparently had found cute) and some girl by the name of Rahne (whom she did not like at all).
Teenage angst experiences, mild compared to... compared to the rape discussions they both had.
It was Katherine who woke up screaming from a dream about one of the many times Belasco had raped her. After hugs from Illyana and the realization that she was... well ok; she realized that she needed to discuss this with Illyana before Illyana had any such dreams.
The next day Katherine had explained what Belasco had done to her and... and what he had repeatedly done to Illyana. That it was ok. That he was gone. That it had not been Katherine's or Illyana's fault. That... that Belasco, being the true and utter bastard that he was, had loved to use magic to force the victim to enjoy the degradation, the abuse, the violation.
The rapes.
That the enjoyment did not mean that they actually liked such things, he just wanted them to think that they did. It was just another knife to carve them up with.
Words that somewhat helped when Illyana had her own dreams about such things.
Words that somewhat helped Katherine.
Part 14d: Days of our lives
The weapons training was going well, apart from the bruises, aches, and other minor injuries; which annoying mostly now took the normal amount of time to heal. Katherine was getting her old skills back, and Illyana was getting advanced training (girl was getting good on using two swords at the same time, although she preferred using just one sword).
The training platform was nice to have, and the music helped liven up the day. Illyana's IPod had not only a random play button, but a special random play button that was actually magic based. But the IPod's special random play function was not very random. Somehow the songs were always... appropriate at so many emotional levels.
Music centers of the brain are in a different location then the emotional centers, but there are cross connects. Adult Illyana had found during her journey that songs could somehow make her somewhat feel... well feel in ways that she was unable to anymore. It was way more neurologically complicated then Illyana actually comprehended. But suffice it to say Illyana ended up liking music way more then she had back when she was a student at Xavier's. After some time she had created the special random play button on her IPod and tied it to some magic.
Katherine and Illyana were engaged in a rather prolonged and heated sword fight. Katherine had hit the special random play button as the song choices sometimes really were able to put into words what she was feeling (which also sometimes really disturbed her as well).
Currently I'm So Afraid by Fleetwood Mac was playing
I been alone
All the years
So many ways to count the tears
I never change
I never will
I'm so afraid the way I feel
Days when the rain and the sun are gone
Black as night
Agony's torn at my heart too long
So afraid
Slip and I fall and I die
I been alone
Always down
No one cared to stay around
I never change
I never will
I'm so afraid the way I feel
...
...
Most days Katherine didn't hit the special random play. But when she did the song choices always were... interesting, and the cause of much introspection by Katherine.
After a few more moves Illyana was disarmed of her sword. They grinned at each other while panting from the exertions. That's when Katherine got the idea to have Illyana hit the special random play button. Katherine had always been the one to set the training regiment and Illyana had expressed no interest in the IPod, although Katherine had showed her how to operate it.
A hesitant expression briefly crossed Illyana's face at the request.
"Do I have to? Ever time you do that you get moody".
"Please Illyana. I'm... curious what the song selection will be".
"What if it's that... burning house song. I don't like it".
"We'll turn it off if it's that song. Please give it a try".
With resigned air about her Illyana went and retrieved her sword and then walked over to the IPod and hit the special random play button. Then she took up a guard position again as they resumed combat training.
The song began as they engaged in combat. It was another Fleetwood Mac song, Running Through The Garden.
Until she herself
Became the deadliest poison
As she grew older
Ooh, until she herself
Became just as fatal
As was her garden
And so you run toward
What you know is wrong
There are too many flowers
To cut down
With all the love I have for your life
For the love I have for your life
Turn around..
Never did I mean to (never did I mean to)
Imprison you (imprison you)
Here in my garden (here in my garden)
Like I am imprisoned (like I am imprisoned)
All the love I have for your life
All the love I have for your life
Turn around (turn around)
Until she herself
Understood her garden
Leaving her heart broken,
No future at all
Until she herself
Became the toxic garden
Always frightened,
No future at all
...
...
The song did not appear to bother Illyana, but the lyrics did have Katherine deep on thought over them. The words... the words described aspects of the both of them very well. And... possibly the enchantment itself?
Later, as they relaxed in the hot spring, Katherine thought more upon the words.
Katherine had... shaped Illyana those two years that that'd spent together in the wilds of Limbo. Trained her, taught her, guided her, molded her. From a seven year old girl who barely knew how to hold a knife, to a nine year old girl who was very dangerous in a knife fight, skilled in hand to hand combat, and could slice your throat in your sleep (yea, that had happened once, part of Illyana's... training; and one less demon).
It had felt right at the time, but now Katherine knew that she had only in fact been doing what Belasco wanted. He needed Illyana trained, he needed her bloodied, he needed her to be ruthless. It would have been unlikely that Illyana would have accepted or excelled at such training at his hands. But from Katherine? Katherine had been the perfect instructor. He... he also needed Illyana to love somebody that he was going to... arrange a fight to the death with. Just one more thing to kill in her soul.
From angry hateful exhausted girl, the training had been very harsh, to killer had been gradual. It was over a year before the glow of hero worship started to gleam in Illyana's eyes back then. Stockholm syndrome (strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other). Katherine had known exactly what she had been doing and cultivating, but she hadn't expected it to be a two way street.
She had shaped the young Illyana, formed how Illyana viewed the world and show how to solve problems (killing being a big part of many problem solving techniques).
And... and the teaching had stuck. Found fertile soil. Maybe Illyana would have always have grown up to have a ruthless disposition, or maybe the corruption that Belasco had planted in Illyana as he forged the blood stones was the fundamental source. But more likely it was a combination of both. It didn't matter, what was done was done.
However... Katherine was no longer sure about all the lessons that she had taught Illyana when Illyana had been young, especially the learning sessions that she'd arranged where Illyana had killed. The stalking of a wounded demon had been particularly vicious, which had been the point of the exercise.
Katherine had arranged for a minor demon to find them and attack. Katherine had been injured (well, had rather faked being injured) but had wounded the demon. She'd told Illyana that Illyana needed to kill the demon before it brought back more of its kind and then had passed out (again something she pretended). Illyana had stalked and pursued the demon and had killed it (Katherine had followed behind to make sure Illyana was kept safe and to observe). She'd done the deed, showed no mercy or pity. Been savage in her belief that she was defending Katherine.
Katherine had been proud then. But now? Now she... she wondered just how much of Illyana's subsequent life had been caused by Katherine's lessons. What if Illyana's... fate had in part been caused by Katherine?
Part 14e: Days of our lives
Illyana sat upon the training platform. It had been a rather exhausting multi hour session of dagger and swords. Illyana's tongue licked the salty sweat off of her upper lip, then she asked Katherine a question.
"Ca... Katherine, what was I like? What... kind of a person am I"?
Katherine paused on her post work stretching exercises.
"I... I didn't really interact with you that much before you regressed... before I hurt you that is. From what I could see you were... mostly sharp edges. Not much softness except... except for me. You were very kind to me. In hindsight unbelievably kind".
Illyana nibbled her lower lip in thought.
"Was I... a good person"? Illyana hung her head. "I... I don't think I was. The dreams, the memories... they... um, I did a lot of bad things and I... um... really liked it sometimes. But I really hated it too... I... At least I think so... well sometimes".
Katherine sighed to herself. Hard question.
Illyana had been very good to Katherine, but Illyana had led a troubled life even before her death and her subsequent re-embodiment into an incarnation that had apparently been one of almost continual horror and abuse.
Was Illyana good? Well... no, not really from what little Katherine could understand. Was she bad? Evil? Well... that was a yes and no. It was more like... like chaotic neutral or almost pure neutral to use an old Dungeons and Dragon's term from Katherine's childhood. Illyana could go either way, good or bad. It was all about motivation and goals.
And... who you emulated, looked up to.
"I think you did many good things that you haven't yet remembered Illyana, it's just that the bad things tend to stick in your minds. I think you're good. It's myself I worry about".
Illyana raised her head and her eyes lit up in delight. "Don't be silly Katherine, of course your good. If you say I'm good then I must be good!" she announced with an enthusiasm that only the young have.
Katherine smiled. Ahh the simple joys of the young. But she and Illyana were going to have to have a discussion about how Katherine had raised Illyana in the wilderness. The more Katherine thought upon it the more she was bothered... by just all that she had done and trained Illyana to be. But that discussion would have to wait for an adult version of Illyana.
"Rest breaks over, time to get back up and spar again young lady. Now this time I want us to...".
Part 14f: Days of our lives (Critical Mass)
Illyana awoke with a start, sat up, and screamed her lungs out; which of course awoke Katherine with a start.
"NO! NO! NO! AUGH!"
"Illyana what's wrong?!. What was your dream about this time"? Katherine asked with concern.
Illyana turned and stared at Katherine and proceeded to shriek ever louder. The covers went flying and Illyana fled into the night, leaving more then a little bit of blood behind as she rather severely scratched herself against the bushes thorns the guarded the lean-to.
Crap, she must finally have dreamed of when I tortured her Katherine thought guiltily. She'd been wondering when that dream would come. No wonder Illyana had fled. But Katherine needed to pursue, it might not be safe outside and Illyana appeared to be in no fit state for possible dangers.
Katherine grabbed her sword, hurriedly put on her jeans and ran into the night in pursuit of Illyana. Even if Katherine had not been able sense the location of Illyana, the trail left by Illyana was easy to follow, plus there was the smell of fresh blood. But in reality all Katherine had to do was to run in the direction of Illyana's screaming.
Shards the girl was fast. Illyana ran like a demon from hell was chasing her, which I suppose one is thought Katherine. God she felt so ashamed. Illyana had known that Katherine had harmed her, Katherine had made that very clear each time the topic came up, but knowing and experiencing are two different things.
Then, with a rumble, the sky opened up as it were and it began to rain as Katherine chased after Illyana. Not a pounding rain, but not a drizzle either. It was a steady strong rain the promised a good soaking.
Great, just great. Now it decides to rain Katherine grumbled to herself as she ran after Illyana. Sometimes this F'ing spell just has an overblown sense of melodrama.
At least it was easy to track her. The sense of Illyana's vector and distance remained strong, plus the faint smell of blood; Illyana's screaming had stopped, which may or may not be a good thing thought Katherine. Katherine had the pursuit advantage in that she could always run in the direction Illyana was and avoid having to follow the actual trail that Illyana left. This allowed Katherine to exploit shortcuts and cut corners as it were.
As Katherine cut across the landscape she intercepted Illyana's actual trail and froze for a second. The smell of blood was strong, too strong for the cuts from the thorns. A brief glance at the ground confirmed the evidence of scent. Illyana was losing a lot of blood. Something had happened, yet whatever had happened had not stopped the girl's ability to flee.
Katherine redoubled her pace. Illyana was up ahead, maybe a quarter mile or so, and had apparently paused.
It was over two miles from the lean-to before Katherine was able to catch up with Illyana. Illyana had finally stopped and was bent over gasping and sobbing. The scent of blood filled the air. Katherine could see Illyana was trembling and that likely blood loss had finally slowed her pace.
Katherine stopped twenty feet away from Illyana, Illyana's back were to Katherine. Katherine called out to Illyana.
"Illyana it's me. Are you..."?
Illyana spun around as she heard Katherine. Illyana had a look of utter horror, which was now mirrored by Katherine. Illyana was not all right, she was not ok. She had savagely slit both of her wrists, her dagger was in her left had and she continued to carve up her right forearm.
There are two ways to cut your wrists if you're trying to kill yourself. Horizontal, meaning across the wrist, mostly doesn't work as blood clotting does what it's supposed to do, assuming you don't actually reach an artery (most people don't, they just cut the surface veins). Illyana had done it right, long horizontal cuts down both of her forearms. Open the whole vein up and the clotting can't stop that much damage. By all rights she should have already have bleed out, but apparently the enchantment was working at full healing power again. It was maintaining her life, but Illyana had turned her arms into a streaming red ruin in an attempt to end it.
Katherine made placating motions with her hands while she spoke. "Illyana I'm so sorry, I wasn't right in the head. I was..." Katherine never had a chance to finish before Illyana screamed her response.
"I KILLED YOU! I love you and I KILLED YOU"!
Katherine paused. Illyana was in hysterics over something other then what Katherine had thought.
"I'm Evil! I went BAD! You must hate me! I hate me! It's all coming back! I can't stop it"!
"Illyana! Put down the knife now young lady"!
"NO! She picks wrong! Always wrong! We can't see right! She's broken! We're broken! We always choose wrong! I couldn't save you! She couldn't save Kitty. I KILLED YOU"!
Illyana turned and tried to run again, but she was only able to stumble few steps before Katherine tackled her from behind sending Illyana sprawling onto the muddy grassy ground. Katherine firmly held Illyana face down with her right hand while she took the knife away with her left hand (she then tossed the knife away) and kneeled upon Illyana's back. Illyana fought and twisted to get away, but Katherine was too strong, and frankly Illyana too weakened by blood loss.
Illyana begged, pleaded Katherine to let her go, to kill her, to end it.
"Please make it stop, please! I don't want to be her! I don't want to be! I don't wanta! And she doesn't either! We don't want that! Please! Please let me die! Kill me"!
Illyana gave up resisting and began to sob and chant as Katherine continued to hold her down.
"Don't wana be her. Don't wana be her. Don't wana be her. Don't wana be her…"
Katherine offered what little comfort she could.
"I'm sorry Illyana. The enchantment, it... won't let me die and… and it won't allow you to die as well. It's ok. I know it hurts. Hurts so bad. It's ok...".
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Don't wana be her. Don't wana be her. Don't want to be her. Don't want to be her. Don't want to be…."
The chanting finally ceased. Illyana lay in the mud with Katherine still on top pinning her down.
Illyana uttered one final word "… me", and then the wailing stopped and was replaced with simple crying.
Katherine continued to hold her down, but more gently as Illyana offered no resistance. Katherine let Illyana cry, sometimes it's for the best. After awhile Illyana stopped crying and spoke.
"Shards I'm… myself again".
Katherine observed that Illyana's wrists were also now healed. Katherine eased up a bit more and asked Illyana a question.
"If I let you go will you promise me that you're not going to run off or hurt yourself"?
Illyana responded with a long sigh and a resigned tone. "Yes, I... promise mistress".
Katherine released Illyana and saw down besides her. Illyana sat up with a groan and wiped the tears and snot from her face with muddy and bloody hands.
Illyana look so very sad, but she wouldn't meet Katherine's eyes. Katherine so did not want a repeat of submissive Illyana trying to offer Katherine daggers so Katherine could hurt Illyana again.
"Illyana! Look me in the eye, and can that mistress crap. I don't ever want to hear you call me that ever again".
Illyana slowly raised her head, like she was having to fight a great weight, and looked Katherine in the eye.
"I..." a gulp, "I...", another gulp, finally a "Yes... Katherine".
"Good. Are you... you"?
"Yes, and so dearly wish I was not".
"Why"?
Illyana kept trying to not meet Katherine's gaze, but she was unable to turn away. She struggled to speak but was unable to utter a word. Finally she closed her eyes and spoke.
"I… I was happy for the very first time since… since I came into this existence after her death. I didn't… want it to end".
"Why? Was illusionary innocence of youth appealing"?
"No. It was because… because... Because you loved me again. Because I was something that you could love and care for. Now… Now I'm… I'm…"
Illyana hung her head and grimaced as she finished the sentence.
"...Not".
Katherine gave Illyana fierce hug.
"No. That's not true. I… I care for you. I… crap… I… love you again. It... it was so dark and I hurt so bad. When you... rejected me, drove me away, that's when I died. Not when you broke my neck, I was already gone by that point. But you... you brought me back to myself. No my Kit. No".
The two women cried and held each other in the rain before Katherine finally broke the hug and lead them back to the lean-to so as to get out of the rain.
Two victims of massive and horrific long term abuse.
No, they did not "sleep" together. But they did fall asleep holding hands.
There were no more nightmares for the remainder of that night.