A big shout out to all my readers, whether you review or not, I know there are a lot of lurkers out there. I hope you're enjoying my little A/U. And thank you to Excel Aunt for the prompt.

The Lady Doth Protest Too Much

Marilla was in town for some messages and picked up the mail while she was there. She leafed through the letters and amongst the usual drivel found one from her beloved Anne.

Dearest Marilla

She skimmed it quickly in case it needed a prompt response, she could read it again at leisure when she got home. Something caught her eye Mary Maria has come to stay. Oh Marilla I shouldn't say it but she is a terrific bore. She takes offence at any and everything. She picks fights with Susan and myself. The children are quite fearful of her. We are at our wits end and there's no sign of her leaving. She is sucking the joy out of life.

Marilla hesitated to respond because she knew how little John liked Mary Maria, but Anne and Gilbert did seem to be suffering. Best strike while the iron is hot, she thought to herself and she quickly dashed off a few lines to Anne informing her that she and John would be happy, she snorted at this and knew Anne would appreciate the joke, to invite Mary Maria to stay at Green Gables for a fortnight.

She posted it back in the return mail before she had a chance to change her mind. She rather dreaded breaking the news to John. Mary Maria was not his favourite cousin, but she didn't see why Anne and Gilbert should have to shoulder the entire load.

To say Anne was delighted to receive Marilla's prompt reply was an understatement. She hastened to let Gilbert know the news. Initially Gilbert felt a bit guilty, Mary Maria was his aunt after all. But then he thought about his children's crestfallen faces at mealtimes, as they were upbraided by Mary Maria for the slightest infractions.

"Have you asked Mary Maria if she would like to go?" Gilbert asked Anne

"I'm hoping she'll like a bit of a break from our noisy household Gil."

Luckily Mary Maria thought it a delightful idea and she was soon packed and whisked away. The family all stood at the gate and waved her carriage off. There was a collective lightening of spirit. The children looked at each other gave a whoop of joy, and ran off before their reaction got them into any trouble. Anne knew she should admonish them, but to be honest she gave a small whoop under her breath. Two whole weeks until she had to, er no, could welcome Mary Maria back. She owed Marilla a favour.

Later in the day Mary Maria was delivered to Green Gables. Marilla was at the door to meet her. "Come in you must be exhausted. Travel always drains me. I have the kettle on for a hot drink. Would you rather tea or coffee?"

"I'm not sure Marilla, I'd hate to put you to any bother."

"Oh it's no trouble at all. I've got everything here."

"Oh well I'd just like a little hot water then."

"Really? Just hot water?"

"Yes that's all, not too hot though." Marilla gave her a cup with hot water, and added a bit of cold water.

"Just a bit more, dear Marilla and a bit more", she sipped, "just a wee bit more. Oh yes that will do."

"Is there anything you would like to do while you're here Mary Maria?"

"Oh no dear, I'm just happy to tag along with you. I don't want to be any inconvenience."

"We're going to put you in our spare room. Here you go, we picked these flowers this morning, aren't they they beautiful?"

"Oh no, flowers set off my asthma. Atishoo she gave the gentlest sneeze, please remove these." She held out the vase for Marilla to take.

That night in bed Marilla and John heaved collective sighs. "Two weeks Mar?"

"She's your cousin John. Anne and Gilbert need a break, it's the Christian thing to do."

"Hmm, maybe I could convert?" Marilla giggled and poked him in the side.

"John Blythe you are awful. I admit she would try the patience of a saint. She never wants to be any bother, but is the worst sort of nuisance. How does she manage that? Let's forget about her for now, I'd rather snuggle with you instead." John opened his arms and she lay across his chest.

Next morning Marilla and John were up early. "Do you think she expects breakfast in bed John?"

"Surely not, she can get up like the rest of us, she's our guest, but we're not her servants." Over breakfast Marilla and John planned out their day.

"I thought we might pay a visit to Rachel Lynde, Mary Maria. She'll be able to fill you in on the local news."

"Will John be driving us, Marilla?"

"No, I'll drive."

"Oh goodness, is it safe?"

"I've been driving all my life Mary Maria, I think it should be all right."

Upon arrival at Rachel Lynne's house they were greeted enthusiastically. "Come in ladies, how lovely to see you again." Rachel winked surreptitiously at Marilla. She had met Mary Maria before. "It's such a lovely day, I thought we might take tea in the garden." Mary Maria did not look pleased; she sniffed and let out another gentle sneeze. "Oh is there a problem?" Rachel enquired.

"Oh it's nothing, I just suffer from a spot of asthma. But I'm sure it will be fine. Don't mind me." Mary Maria sneezed again. They were such little sneezes it was hard to believe they were real.

"Well if you're sure, the table is out here." Rachel was determined not to let Mary Maria's spoilt manner ruin her morning. She led them through the house and into the pretty garden. A table was set up with a pretty tablecloth and there was beautiful plate of cakes and sandwiches under a cover. "I'll just get the tea."

The three women sat in easy chairs around the garden table. It really was the most delightful scene. Marilla was amused by Rachel's handling of Mary Maria. Rather than giving into her passive aggressive digs, Rachel chose to blithely take her at her word. Marilla intended to inform Rachel of her admiration at a later date.

Over morning tea Rachel filled Mary Maria in on all the comings and goings around Avonlea. Mary Maria knew most of the people involved, or at least knew their families, which amounted to the same thing.

Over the course of the week all went as well as could be expected. Mary Maria found fault with almost everything and everyone; while Marilla and John sympathised with each other. Each acknowledged that the other helped them through. They were almost able to make a joke of it when they were alone, but it was tough going.

At dinner one night Mary Maria happened to mention Marilla and John's unconventional relationship. "Whatever did happen to drive you two apart all those years ago, Marilla?"

"Oh well, we were both to blame really." Marilla was rather ashamed of her behaviour as a young girl; she didn't really enjoy reflecting upon it.

"We were both stubborn and a bit stupid." John chimed in.

"So you bided your time until Caroline died did you, then you jumped straight in for a second go?"

"Well I hardly think I jumped in, Mary Maria. We've known each other for years. I was very sad when Caroline died."

"There's no need to defend yourself, Marilla." John's voice was stony cold "I would like you to apologise, Mary Maria. That was uncalled for."

"I didn't mean any harm, John."

He stared stonily at her.

"I apologise Marilla. I'm sorry if you were hurt by my words."

In bed that night Marilla confessed "John she is awful, I'm cracking. I'm not sure how much more I can put up with. I want to send her packing, not back to Ingleside, but home. Or preferably further away."

"Shush, shush. It's only for a little while longer. Remember she is lonely. She doesn't have a handsome husband to care for her." Marilla smiled ruefully and leaned in for a hug.

A day later over lunch Mary Maria commented on Anne and Gilbert's children. "I do think those children are wayward and terribly ill mannered."

It was bad enough that she was rude to her hosts, but Marilla refused to allow Mary Maria to criticise her darling grandchildren. Her hackles well and truly up, she icily said "Ill mannered?"

"Oh yes" Mary Maria blithely ploughed on ignoring the change in atmosphere. "They talk back to their parents; are awfully loud and opinionated; the girls are vain; and that baby Rilla is too round. They are always off with those terrible, motherless Meredith children getting up to who knows what sort of mischief."

Marilla stood up from the table in a rush, shoving her chair back with a screech. "That's it, I've had it. It was bad enough when you insulted our marriage, but I won't have you slighting our grandchildren. Out of my house! You are no longer welcome here."

"I didn't mean to upset you dear Marilla."

"Don't you dear Marilla me, get out of my house and I don't ever want to see you darken my doorstep again, you, you, you Harridan." Marilla was shaking with anger, she couldn't recall ever feeling quite so furious ever before. It was not a pleasant feeling, but this woman was unbearable. She may have been kin, but Marilla was adamant that she would never visit Green Gables again.

"John?" Mary Maria looked beseechingly at him.

"I am very much afraid that Marilla's word is final, Mary Maria. You should go and pack your things. I'll take you home right now."

"Home? I'm expected back at The Glen."

"I doubt you'll be welcome back there either." John said. Marilla would have spoken, but she was still shaking with rage.

"Well I never." Mary Maria said haughtily.

"Never is the right word, I wish you had never come to stay with any of us." Marilla muttered.

"I suppose I was terribly rude, Rachel." Marilla admitted later whilst John was driving Mary Maria home, "but that woman…" She ran out of words.

Rachel was silent and poured Marilla a glass of redcurrant wine. The situation called for something stronger than tea.

A/N Aunt Mary Maria is such a pain, that I did consider an alternative ending where John completely loses his temper and clocks her one with a shovel. They dump her body in Barry's Pond, weighted down with stones. No one misses her.