And will she see how much she means to me
I think it's not to be
The first thing she sees when she manages to crack open her eyes is her breath in the air, against a dark, dark sky. Absent of light, absent of life, absent of death. No shadows of the stars' dying light, no full and ominous clouds.
Just nothing.
She jerks up to look around with a start, desperate to know if she's back in the room. The possibility of it - the terror, it overrides everything, even the agony in her chest. She gasps in air; dry and stale, and grabs fists full of the snow around her. A stark white against the black sky.
Thank god.
With relief comes pain and she curls back against the snowy ground. It stains red around her and she wonders if finally, finally, finally…
But no. She knows no. Somewhere rattling around in the back of her head, she knows she has the whole puzzle. Bits and pieces break off here and there, sinking through to the forefront. Clues to the whole. But it's there. Either now or then or in the future - it's all relative.
It simply is.
There's almost a comfort in that, even if it's lined with rage.
A boot lands on either side of her, crunching snow the only noise echoing on and on for miles. The vampire crouches down, crosses her arms over her knees, and red eyes stare down at Bella. "It's kind of… sad seeing it from the other side."
She glares up at herself. "I hate you."
"I know." The vampire tilts her head. "I remember. We grow out of that, don't worry."
It only fans the flames within her heart and if she wasn't literally laying here with an iron poker impaled through her, she might take a swing at the vampire. "Why are you here?"
"Reasons."
She groans. "Just leave. I don't have time for the Chicken or the Egg conversation."
"My favourite question," the vampire purrs with delight. "Suit yourself but this is the only conversation you get."
"Besides the teasing," Bella scoffs. The necklace, the damn texts, the clues left for her.
"Yes. Besides that."
Her brows furrow, eyes tracing the scars that litter her face, her hands. The ink that peeks out beneath her cuffs, curls up from the collar of her shirt and coat. "How old are you?"
"A matter of perspective," the vampire says and Bella can almost mouth the words along with her. "You know that, kid. Quite old, if that helps. Old enough to forgive. It takes us a while to get there."
"I forgave the Cullens already."
The vampire clicks her tongue, shoots a finger gun down at the human. "No, you didn't. Not really. Not yet. But I ain't talking about that." The lull between them is painful for one and amusing for the other. "Fuck off!" They both shout at each other while the vampire grins. Bella grinds her teeth, squeezes the snow in her fists until it melts. "So angry!"
"What do you want from me?"
The vampire shrugs very simply. "Effort."
Of course. This is all just, what, a game to her? Something she's supposed to do because it happened already? "I'm trying! I'm trying to save Alice. I'm trying to forgive her. I'm trying to be happy for her. I'm trying."
"You keep running away and you don't have time for these games," the vampire finally says with an air of seriousness. The playful glint in her eye fades - doesn't disappear, but it fades.
"I have all the time in the world."
She clicks her tongue. Braces one elbow on her knee to hold her chin while the other flick's the human's earlobe. "No. No, you don't get it yet. Your timeline is set, you can jump through others but you can't jump through your own. He's going to find her, no matter how long you put it off."
It's said entirely too casual for Bella's comfort, considering everything. She's not sure if she should take that as a good sign or not. Surely even in the future, all she cares about is Alice's wellbeing. Right? "But we. We save her, right?"
"That's complicated."
"Stop telling me that! It's not complicated. We save her or we don't."
Again, the vampire shrugs. "Then we do."
Bella sighs. "Doesn't instil confidence. Tell me how."
"No."
Her jaw throbs from how hard she grinds her teeth. "How could I ever stop hating you?"
"When you start trying," the vampire says and her face softens. Softens beyond her years, centuries of patience reflected back at the young girl. "You're doing your best."
"You just said I wasn't."
The vampire hums. "He was right, you know. It is killing you."
Bella scoffs. "Do I make it?"
"Just as funny the second time," the vampire chirps with a grin. "I have to go."
"Why?"
She raises up to stretch her limbs, stepping over the human and looking out at the frosty field they're in. "You're unpleasant sometimes. Especially when you're pouting."
"Fuck off then," Bella snarls.
"Maybe I will."
She makes it a step before Bella reaches for her, grimacing at the pain that only finally begins to well up again. "Wait. Wait, aren't you gonna. You know. Turn me?"
Red eyes peer back at her, scan her state and linger on the poker still sticking out of her gut. She raises her chin. "I shan't. That's not how this goes."
"What the fuck." Bella blinks. Shakes her head. Tries to compute what she just told herself. "Why not?!"
Popping her collar, the vampire shrugs and crosses her arms, almost like she's cold. "You gotta do it, man. I can't save you, you gotta choose to live."
"I do choose to live!" Bella shouts. "Right here, right now, choosing to live. Asking you to save me."
"Why? Why even try to lie? I was there, I was right literally where you are, saying those words. I'm you, you can't lie to me."
She frowns. "I'm not lying."
The vampire blinks and puffs out air between her lips. "Well, I'm off, back to the old balls and chain."
"Who?"
"Edward." She waits a moment before the corner of her mouth curves up in an amused smile and chuckles. "That's actually funny the second time around. You should have seen your face."
Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. How does anyone put up with her? "Wait, don't go!"
"Thought you wanted me to fuck off?" she asks with a raised brow.
Bella sighs. Lays back in the snow to stare up at a black, empty sky. "Can you just. Can you just tell me what I'm supposed to do?"
"It's your life, kid. Do what you want with it… but if you want your advice? Stop punishing people." She shakes her head. "That's not your job, the world will take care of it. Put aside your anger long enough to remember that you love them."
"They left me," Bella whispers.
This time it's the vampire who scoffs. "And you left them. And maybe they will leave again. And maybe they'll die or maybe you will. What does that matter in the end? You want to be with them now. So do it."
"But she's with Jasper…"
And the vampire laughs, a sort of disbelieving laugh and hooks her hands on the back of her neck to stare up at the sky. "Jesus, do I have to solve all of your problems for you? Look at the way you are with the human and look at what you do with the vampire. How will she ever remember you when you're two different people?"
Bella leans up to snarl at the vampire, "It's not that simple!"
Who lifts her arms up to showcase the field. "We are sitting in the crack that runs the length of time. We are sitting in the vein of the universe, right here and now. Beyond comprehension and logic, beyond the laws of known physics. We simultaneously exist in every moment of every second that there ever was or will be… and not at all." She leans down again, red eyes burning into the human's. "But you, you're trying to tell me that the most complicated thing here is your love for a girl."
"… a pretty spectacular girl," Bella quips quietly.
"Believe me. I know."
The vampire gets up again and starts wandering to the only tree as far as the eye can see - completely white with frost and ice. "Where are you going?" Bella calls after her.
"Back."
"Back where?"
Utterly carefree in the moment, the vampire twirls with a wide grin on her face. "To a spectacular girl." She raises a hand to wave, walking backwards through the snow. "Take care, me. Try to lighten up and don't let the others give Victoria too hard a time. It was mostly our fault."
"Wait!" Bella shouts and reaches out again. "Wait, who's going to help me?"
"You are!" the vampire calls back.
"No, you're not! You asshole." She drops back in the snow when the vampire blips out of sight, sighing roughly. "What an absolutely unpleasant experience."
What a vexatious, sarcastic, infuriating vampire she is.
What a supremely bad day she's having.
Perhaps it's a little nice to know, however, that it seems like she's at least marginally happier in the future. It plants a small seed of hope in Bella's chest that she ever so gently cradles close to protect.
It makes her, maybe, a little more inclined to find a way back. Dying here, in the crack of the universe, where time does and does not exist simultaneously, doesn't sound as pleasant as it did a few minutes ago. It's not until the choice is threatened to be taken from her that she finally makes it and…
Jesus. She misses the Cullens. It's been so long since she's allowed herself to miss them. Clutching to her anger like it might save her and it's the thing that's been killing her this whole time. Poetic irony, she supposes.
Poetic irony is almost worth dying for.
Almost.
.
.
.
.
"Where is she?!" Alice snarls like an animal.
Victoria pulls her hand back a little, startled eyes gazing down at Bella in surprise. "Bella!" she gasps and for half a second, there isn't anything else.
Just an old friend looking down at her in relief - no dead sisters and lifelong vengeance, no betrayal and rage, no broken hearts.
Just Freckle and Little Fist.
"I'm sorry," Bella croaks.
Some of that pain, of that hurt cracks through the red of Victoria's eyes. She shakes her head ever so slightly, smiling sadly down at Bella. No words come though, she's not sure there are any. What do you even say when you find out the woman you've been chasing for hundreds of years to avenge your sister's death and kill… only tricked you just to save your sister?
All that time. All those years, chasing and hunting and waiting to kill someone, to torture them and hurt them as badly as they hurt you - stolen. In a moment. How do you go back to what it was before? How do you go back to friends? How do you reconcile the betrayal? And how do you not when you know it was to save the one person you love most in the world?
So Victoria sits back in the grass. Just stares at an old enemy and an even older friend. Doesn't even feel the big one wrench her arms behind her back, or hear the shouting around them. She just sits there, trying to string together the events of her life. All the things she's done to get here. Tries to make sense of the person she became because of it.
Tries to measure and balance everything she knows and decide what it means for the two of them.
Alice drops to her knees in Bella's line of sight to her old friend. She blinks bleary eyes up at the pixie, realizes that she can't actually feel Alice cradling her face or hear the words she can read on her lips. Her eyebrows pinch together. "What?"
"... not even a little fu… so if you think you can… going to be fine, I prom…" Alice shakes her head, pulls Bella into her lap. "And this is not getting you out of trouble for holding my past hostage, okay? So you're going to pull through because I'm not done being mad."
Bella's lips twitch up into a smile. She brushes her bloody, burnt fingers against Alice's cheek, watches her eyes flutter as she leans into Bella's hand. "Mary Alice Brandon, I can't help but love you."
"It's going to be okay," Alice promises her. Those eyes. Those eyes have chased her hundreds of years. Those eyes are beyond time. "Carlisle is going to fix everything, okay? You're going to be fine. He's going to fix it, he's going to help you. Bella? Bella, hey, look at me."
Those eyes… now they're worth dying for.
"Bella. Bella!" Alice looks up at Carlisle in alarm - a frazzled doctor inspecting the rod still punctured through the girl. "Do something! You let - we can't let. Carlisle." She looks over her shoulder only long enough to snarl at a numb looking Victoria. "You better pray to your god that she lives!"
Esme drops to the ground, carefully cradles Bella's head on her lap. Gently tries to rouse her. "Bella, honey. Bella, open your eyes. Bella. Bella, please."
"Bite her." Edward throws the new redhead to the ground, shoving through his siblings to look at the dying human. "Bite her, Carlisle."
Rosalie steps into his path, stopping him from getting too close, staring at his black eyes. "She wants nothing to do with us, don't you dare force that on her."
"You don't know her!" he growls.
She steps closer, lifts her chin. "Wait for her to say the words, Edward."
"Oh, this is no time for-" he runs his hands through his hair, pacing just outside the shed. "She hates us already, what's the difference!"
"This isn't about hate!" Rosalie snarls and shoves him farther back into the field.
Alice leans down, drags her bottom lip over Bella's neck and feels her fangs throb. "This is about love."
And sinks them into her best friend.
.
.
.
Regret and indecision churn like chaos and acid in her head. It's not something she has to deal with all that often - knowing the outcome of your choices is kind of like a cheat code to life, and she's always been liberal with its use. Certainty is like a shield or armour she uses to protect herself from a sharp and callous universe, and it's given her the grace everyone so often compliments.
She only ever fumbles when indecision seeps into her world like a plague. Shadows of the unknown whispering secrets she can't hear, ready to drown her if she gets too close. Blindspots. They're crippling. They're frightening.
And she really doesn't know if she did the right thing this time, blind instinct fueling her actions. The desperate plea for her wife that was so painfully torn from her throat, from the very depths of her being. Her wife? Making a decision - one with such a heavy weight behind it, in that state, in her confusion and panic... it wasn't right. She should have waited. But how could she? And now, god, now who knows how Bella will react. She is oh so difficult to anticipate. Alice sighs, tucks a lock of Bella's rich, vibrant hair behind her ear. Drags her fingertips along a pale cheek, feeling the edge of a rigid scar turned smooth - small, hardly noticeable, but Alice notices everything about Bella.
She knew Bella would be pretty. All vampires are and Bella was beautiful to begin with, even at the end when she looked so… drained. So tired and absent. But now? Enchanting. She's not sure if she's biased - probably, she can admit to herself, but dear god Bella could give Rosalie a run for her money.
Give me my wife!
"I'm not sure how I keep driving people away," she says into the quiet room. It's the spare, Esme wasn't sure where to put Bella while they waited. Each choice seemed… complicated, and so she was given the spare up on the top floor. Nice. White. Comfy. But bare and lacking anything - personal. "I mean, I know how, literally, I just am uncertain how I keep doing it, again and again."
Alice stares down at that face - the most peaceful she's seen it since before they left. Before they abandoned her and the seed of hate was planted. When life was like a dream and felt so good. "First it was you and, Bella, I think you had the most right, but still I didn't learn my lesson. Rosalie isn't speaking to me right now, she's quite upset. The most upset she's ever been at one of us, actually. I stole your life and your death, how talented I am."
Furious. Rosalie is absolutely furious with her, to the point she won't even look at Alice and hasn't stepped out of her room in days. Her fury isn't something Alice has ever felt before and… and she thinks she may, perhaps, be breaking her own family.
Give me my wife!
"Jasper won't talk to me because… well, I need not elaborate there. I don't think I could, it's so. Complicated. I worry that maybe by the end of the day, I won't have anyone left and that's my greatest fear, Bella," she whispers to the unconscious girl. Holds a hand in her own and counts the scars she can see. "I've never told anyone that before. I spent so many years looking for my family, searching and searching, missing… something."
Golden eyes study the elegant angles of a face perfected. "Someone. Always there, in the back of my head, wondering where they are, who they are. Do you want to know a bigger secret?" Her smile is as soft as it is heartbroken. "I stopped wondering when I met you. I stopped searching the future because I found it, I found my future. I knew that, on some level, I knew. That makes it worse, that I left. That I spent so long looking for you and then I left. I'm not sure who I hurt more, doing that."
Give me mywife!
Another shard in her heart and who can she blame? Who can she blame other than herself? All the evidence is there; her life crumbles before her eyes and in her hand is the mighty hammer she used to shatter it all. In fear of making the wrong choice, she's made none at all, and it's ruining her.
How did she get here?
"I've found you to be quite difficult to hate."
Alice looks down with a start. Red eyes stare back up at her, aglow with newborn vitality, and if she needed breath Alice would be suffocating. Mesmerizing. There isn't a word strong enough to explain the effect Bella has on her. "That's because you're in love with me."
"Yeah. Probably." The smile on her face is radiant - untouched by the cruelty that feeds on her life. Alice is almost afraid to speak and turn this beautiful thing to ash as well. "But they love you too, I think you'll be fine."
"I hope so. I don't know how to fix it."
Those red eyes blink a few times and Alice watches the marvel that enters them, watches as Bella looks around the room they're in. To the position she didn't even think to adjust - Bella cradled close, tucked into Alice's side and resting in the pillows. "Shockingly, most things are out of our control," Bella tells her distractedly. "It's a concept I'm struggling with but fighting it led to a fire poker punched through my stomach like a human shish kabob." Alice chuckles and Bella's smile broadens. "So. Maybe take my advice and try not to force things that can't be forced."
Definitely not what the pixie was expecting - no snarling and shouting, she hasn't been thrown through a wall yet. Bella Hard To Anticipate Swan strikes again. "You're in an oddly good mood for having woken up dead."
"And that is a weird way to phrase things." A dark brow raises curiously and Alice flashes a playful smile. Bella sighs wistfully. "I lied before when I said I was tired of being angry. I wasn't. I wanted to be angry, I was angry. And scared." Bella sits up against the headboard, more like Alice, and looks at her hopefully. Alice's breath catches again. "I am tired now. And done and… I don't want to lose you again, Alice. I just want you to be happy and I just want to be in your life, in any capacity you'll have me."
She can't help herself, not really. Not when Bella is being so kind and gentle, not when half her family won't talk to her, not when she's been so strong for so long, and has fought this with everything she has… just to end up here anyway. Alice brushes her fingertips along Bella's chilly cheek (which in and of itself doesn't make sense, she shouldn't be cold to the touch) and down to her chin. That scar. That scar that looks so… right there. Like it belongs, like it was always supposed to be there. "How did we get here?"
"I'm not sure." Bella takes Alice's hand, brings it back to her cheek to hold it there. "Literally. I have a bunch of years all jumbled up in my head and I don't think they're in the right order."
Alice chuckles and shakes her head. "It's a lot of information to process and can be confusing at first. It will settle, you'll find a groove soon."
"Okay."
"You really are beautiful, Bella," Alice murmurs thoughtfully. Another thing she cannot help, that refuses to be buried any longer.
"H… you bit me." And she says it like she's only just now realizing that.
Alice's brows furrow in concern. "Yes." Is the hate finally catching up? Is her dream snatched away from her yet again?
"You bit me," Bella states blankly.
"I-I'm sorry, Bella. I couldn't, I just couldn't lose you," Alice begins quickly, fully prepared to apologize until the end of time.
But Bella still holds her hand against her cheek, still stares at her with soft wonder. "You want me. You want me in your life, you all do. They let you bite me."
Alice's head tilts. Her heart clenches in her chest and the agony of regret burns her more and more. "Bella, we always - It was such a devastating mistake we made, leaving you," she tells her vehemently. Fiercely. "If I could take anything in my life back, it would be that. I'm so sorry we ever made you doubt that we love you. I'll make it up to you, even if it takes forever, B-ella." Rather unexpectedly, Bella surges forward to almost tackle Alice right out of the bed, pressing her down against the mattress. "What… what are you doing, Bella?"
"You smell like bubblegum." She drags her nose across Alice's neck and a soft, continuous rumble comes from her chest.
Alice swallows a mouthful of venom and blinks up at the ceiling. Bad. Bad. Breathe. Okay. "And you're running on pure instinct right now, newborn instinct. Just breathe, Bella, just! Okay!" she gasps at Bella's lips against her neck, the tips of her fangs scraping against Alice's skin. "Space, you need space. I need space. We need space. Bella, Jasper is still - god, there's the pheromones. Fuck, Bella."
At the guttural groan coming from her pixie, Bella sinks into the bed, melds to her body until there's nothing but clothes between them. "You smell so good…" she whispers against Alice's shoulder.
"Those are." Alice takes a shaky breath, tries to keep her eyes open and digs her fingers into Bella's strong back. Hears, feels Bella moan and has to bite her lip and grab the bed beneath her instead. "Those are my pheromones. Oh god, Bella, please stop. Please. I don't want to hurt anyone else."
To the shock of both delirious girls, Bella's body stiffens. The pheromones that were pouring out of her in tantalizing waves cut off like a floodgate was slammed shut on them. She slides her hands off of Alice's body, digging her fingers into the mattress, and pushes herself up until there's room to breathe. Black eyes blink at the lamp on the bedside table. "A difficult burden to bear," she whispers in a rough voice. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I… sorry."
"Don't. Don't apologize," Alice tells her and sits up - too fast. Bella's in her lap and their noses almost bump, the ghost of Bella's lips on hers. All she has to do is tilt her head, just a twitch of movement and they'd be kissing. Alice squeezes her eyes shut and pulls back. "It's not your fault, it was never your fault, Bella."
"Al-" Bella's shoulders droop, looking at Alice across the room with her hand on the door. "It's not your fault, either."
The pixie nods, smiles feebly and opens the door. "I need to speak with Jasper. Who do you want me to send in?"
"Edward, maybe. I can't be alone, can I?"
Her answer is another small, apologetic smile before Alice ducks out of the room and Edward pokes his head in not a second later.
Bella sighs roughly, sitting back on her heels in the bed. "Sup, Eddie."
"Bella, your visage could make angels weep," he tells her so damn charmingly.
Bella smiles sweetly. "Cram it up your ass, Edward."
"Why did you even ask for me if you're going to be this way?" he huffs and the smile on his face drops.
She chuckles as some of her memories rearrange themselves in the correct order. "Because I'm as strong as you now, you creepy bastard. You're a scary dude and I don't want you pursuing me anymore, got it?" It's not the gentle discussion she was hoping to have, a reasonable conversaion to set boundaries between them. She owes him that... but then again, he left with them all the same.
"It was never my intention to make you uncomfortable!" he gasps with a horrified face.
She shrugs. "And it wasn't my intention to ruin your family but look where we are. Now back off, Bedhead." She stretches her back, sliding backwards out of the bed - and right out through the wall on the third floor. She lands in a heap down below, a mess of wood and debris. "Fuck!"
Esme is there when she blinks, looks back up at the giant fucking hole in the side of the house. Nothing but golden concern shining down at her and… no. What? Why was she avoiding Esme? "Bella! Are you alright?"
You need to tell Esme, for you, Bella. It's not good, keeping it in like that.
Blue eyes beg her, beg her to go home and tell Esme the truth.
But Bella shakes her head. Blindly reaches out for Esme's hand. "Yes. No. Oh no." Memories flash through her mind in the time it takes for Esme to pull her up to her feet again. She stares down at her hands, half expecting them to be dripping with her biological father's blood. "No, oh no, no, no!"
"What's wrong?" Esme asks. Her alarm rings out through the yard, to the point that Emmett pokes his head out a window.
But Bella hardly notices. Information and years catch up to her - she looks at her arms and the ink still etched beneath her diamond hardened skin. A map that will never fade but never be added to. "James. Victoria - Anne! Oh my god, no. Fuck. There's so much to do, to set up."
"Bella, wait-" Esme tries to grab her hand again but-
Bella's across the yard and smashing through the front door. She blows a puff of dusty air, wiping the front of her shirt. "Jesus. Sorry! That's fast."
"Bella, you need to adjust still," Carlisle tells her slowly, holding up his hands as he closes in. "I know your mind must be racing but your body is vastly different now."
"I have to go."
Emmett wraps his arms around her, squeezing tighter than he's ever been allowed before - and still, she barely feels it. "Just hold on a second, Boo. You're not in control yet and you're gonna hurt someone."
"You don't understand," she tries to explain and grabs his hand, pulling one of his arms loose. He winces and she drops him, stepping out of his grasp - and into another wall. But she doesn't go all the way through it this time, so that's progress.
Rosalie rolls her eyes and hops the railing of the stairs, landing in the foyer down below. "Alright, Bull, take it easy," she snaps. Her muscles tense a moment, eyes closing, and when they open Bella watches a brilliant red crack its way through the gold.
Her grip is much, much tighter than Emmett's and Bella finds that, actually, she's having a hard time wiggling loose. "The psychotic sisters are fine, Jasper's watching them in the basement," Rosalie grunts and wrenches her closer, locking her wrists.
"Holy fuck, try to keep up, she's still human! I haven't changed her yet!"
"She's a damn vampire!"
"I was human, I'm only now a vampire, she hasn't been changed because I didn't have venom until now! What is difficult about this?!"
Rosalie looks to the others for help but they merely shrug. She sighs sharply. "I hate to admit it but we need another Time Voodoo Specialist. Someone get Alice."
"There's-" Bella grabs Rosalie's arms, "no-" plants her feet, "time!" she gasps and flips the blonde over her shoulders.
The pins and needles come much easier this time and a whole lot quicker. Free as a bird, Bella knows there's nobody in the world who can catch her… so imagine her horror when Rosalie tackles her back through the wall in the same moment.