So it's been a month since I have last written. Things haven't been fun. As if my life wasn't complicated enough. Xavier has made me start seeing him two times a week. Psychoanalyzing me and trying to make me speak to him.

I still don't know why I had such a drastic digression of self just from a dream.

I don't think the Professor knows either. He just sits there listening to my filler words, (stuff I consider OK to talk about, but not too personal) offers me long drawn out remarks and comments while he sits there looking at me with such compassion and caring that I feel sorry sometimes that I can't be more forthcoming about my emotions and problems.

McCoy tried to put me on antidepressants. Nobody seems to understand that I seem to be doing a lot better than I have in a long time. I am even able to handle the stuff inside me better. I mean whenever I absorb someone, sometimes it does start out like other voices in my head, but eventually it just end up being certain thoughts that aren't mine, dreams that aren't mind, desires, cravings, lusts, hungers, etc. that aren't mine.

It sometimes gets to the point where I eat things I don't like, want things I don't care for and do things I don't understand. But it had been clear lately. Not so much muddle. Yes, those personalities, psyches as the Professor likes to call them are still there, it's just that now when I recall them, it is like I am reading a book or watching a movie. Not like I have lived what they have lived, or survived or been through what they have been through.

There are a couple important things that have happened. One that I probably should have started out talking about at the beginning. A week after the little "Dream incident/don't know who I am incident" Ororo came to me. The minute I opened the door, and saw her worried expression and the way she held her hands I knew she had something important to tell me. Something she didn't quite now how to tell me. Letting her in my bedroom she sat down on my mini couch I had and looked me over silently. She didn't look angry. I knew she hadn't been mad at me for what I had done to her. Hitting her with the fence and all. After all I hadn't been myself.

But I couldn't figure out what she wanted. Probably something to do with Logan. My first thought was maybe Logan proposed to her or something. But I threw that thought away almost as instantly as it made its self known in my head.

I sat down on the bed crossed my legs nervously and waited for her to speak. What she told me left me stunned. Stunned and confused. Stunned because she told me that during the point where I had pushed her off of me, I had done it with a bare hand and that my power had never kicked in. Confused because I didn't know why it took her so long to tell me about it. But she didn't offer me any explanations.

Apparently the Professor had known all along, his next session started out with a raised eyebrow.

One than I knew well.

"What does it mean Professor?" I asked knowing full well he knew what was on my mind. And I knew what was on his.

I remember sitting there quietly, my eyes on him quite attentively, and I couldn't stop holding my hands together; they were so tightly clasped together that I was starting to hurt myself. He told me it had something to do with my subconscious, the fact that me believing I was Erik and able to touch, meant that some way, somehow, there was a way for me, as Rogue, to be able to learn how to also. Strange, you think hearing that I would be giddy. Feel alive and vivacious. Feel.. Feel something. But I didn't really feel anything. I felt, I felt, well, alone.

I no longer had Bobby, Logan was with Ororo. And me, me the still untouchable had nobody. And maybe that is the way it is destined to stay...

Another session the Professor had invited McCoy into it. It lead to them both trying to persuade me to take some anti depressants. I think I mentioned that earlier? But I refused. I told them I had enough foreign things going on in my mind, I didn't need any further confusion. They finally left me alone when I agree to try some natural vitamins and minerals or some such stuff.

I DON'T NEED DRUGS. Don't need antidepressants. I feel fine. At the moment anyway. I guess they are afraid I might have another of, I quote the Professor "Lost Moments."

So things continued. And not very well.

Since that day I have been getting hushed whispers all around me, people stop talking when I enter the room. I feel people watching me, and some of the bolder residents actually stare outright at me.

I am getting sick of it.

And the next person that asks me how I am doing is going to get my fist up their nose. Not that it is as bad as it was, the way the people I don't really know are treating me. You think they would be a little more understanding, them being obviously different themselves, (Why else would they be here!) but of course the younger students haven't really learned that lesson in their life yet.

I have scared some of them. Yes scared them. All I had to do was remove my gloves while there were watching me and them pass them by slowly. I could hear there intake of breath as I walked by them. And there eyes on my bare hands.

Served them right.

Although it got me a stern talking to the next day by the Professor. Made me feel like a two year old.

It was worth it though.

Another thing that happened was about a week ago; Mike, Jubilee's boyfriend, broke up with her. Seems he found out that she was a mutant. And according to Jubilee he isn't mutant tolerant. She came crying to me that day. I guess he meant a lot to her, and she was in a lot of pain. More than I have ever seen her in.

"It's not fair!" Jubilee told me in between her sobbing. "I shouldn't have to hide that I am a mutant! And it shouldn't matter that I am!"

I hugged her tightly and told her she was right.

Haven't done anything in a while since Jubilee is not up to going out, that in itself it a testament to how badly the breakup is getting to her. How come I didn't feel that about Bobby? All heartbroken, and the need to not stop crying. Sure, I shed a few tears, but I think they were more self centered tears. For I would have nobody to be with. To try to love me. To touch me every once and a while.

But not everyone has been standoffish around me. Been spending a lot of time with Logan, even more time with Scott. And Jubilee has been a great rock for me. And now me to her.

I still feel kinda mad. Yes, Mad. You see everyone is babying me. It's not like before where I injured and bruised myself pushing Jubilee out of the way of a car. That was just physical. And I was more than happy to get the princess treatment then.

But now. Now it sickens me. Probably because what is supposedly wrong with me is mental. In my head. Something harder to heal. Wish they would stop doing that. I something feel too much of all their pity. I want to scream at them, but stop myself from doing so. (For the most part) Hit them but manage not to. (Although I did slap Gambit across his face, he just wouldn't shut up, but he doesn't really count since I don't like him.)

Although I went a little crazy with Logan one day. About two weeks ago.

I had been walking down the hallway humming a song I couldn't remember the name to. Perfectly fine. At that moment anyway. I was meeting Jubilee and Kitty for lunch, (Yes I have been spending time with her again.) I realized I had forgotten my wallet and went back to my room to retrieve it. I was grabbing it off my dresser when there was a slight knock on the door. The door was open, so when I turned Logan was already inside my room.

"How you doing Marie?" He asked me the concern dripping from every word.

I just stood there a minute; I swear if I was a cartoon, steam would have come out of my ears. I turned to face him. My expression stern, my lips in a thin line.

"Well enough that people need t'stop askin' me that question!" I told him bitterly while trying to walk by him, trying since he grabbed my arm and stopped me. I yanked out of his hold an stood there glaring at him.

"You've been distant lately."

I've been distant! I've been!

I think I told him something like that with those words in it. Only I was angry at that point and a couple colorful words might have been mixed in. He actually took that opportunity to look embarrassed. Logan embarrassed. Not a pretty sight. Scary actually.

"Ororo and I.."

I put a hand out and pushed him away.

"I'm fine Logan, FINE!"

He grabbed me again.

"Marie!"

I narrowed my eyes, defiantly lifted up my head and stared him down.

"We haven't talked since... since... the incident." He finally said.

"Logan we haven't talked in a very long time."

"It doesn't have to be like that."

"It was your choice not mine."

He dropped my arm finally and started looking out my window which was several feet away.

"How long have you been angry at me?" Logan asked my so quietly that I nearly didn't pick it up. Unfortunately I had. And he wanted an answer. His eyes now upon me.

"What makes y'say that?"

"Ever since Ororo and I.."

"Stop right there," I told him pushing him away from me. "if you are trying to insinuate that I am jealous than you're wrong," My next words became a little less harsh. "I'm happy for y'really I am, it's just that..."

"That?"

"I just wish that things could be like they were."

"Things are always changing Marie."

"Believe me, I know!"

I tried to pass him again but he blocked me.

"Please move."

"Not until you tell me why you're mad at me."

It was then that I realized I wasn't. Not really. I was more angry at everybody than just him as an individual. And he had been treating me more decent than usual.

"I'm not really angry at y'Logan. And I do know things have t'change.. it's just.. just.. I don't know.. complicated."

He finally let me pass him, a part of me was wanted to see if I could move him with force. I think I could have if I wanted to. Well maybe that talk wasn't as bad as I started to make it out to be, and we have had more personal ones since then. As personal as a person like Logan, and well, like me can get.

Blackbird lessons have finally continued with Scott, although they didn't start back up until a week ago, when the Professor finally said it was OK. Maybe he thought I would have a lost moment and accidentally crash his multi-million dollar jet. Yes, Jubilee and I are up to the point where we are flying the real thing, although we always have Scott as a copilot in case we screw up, and we never really do much, or go very far.

Haven't been on a mission since forever and took a lot of begging for me to be able to even do danger room sessions again. The first time was about two and a half weeks ago. I was paired off with Scott. At first Scott tried to pawn me off onto Gambit, but after I gave him a look that should have fried him extra crispy. He though better of his decision.

Never really fought beside him before. He usually stands over us all in the control center, giving us directions and tips... He's not all optic blasts that man. Scott knows how to fight hand to hand as well.

I felt strange, fighting so openly, since I was trying to keep that all under wraps while I was still learning. But it was only Kitty, Bobby, McCoy, Scott, Gambit and myself. I guess a part of me doesn't want Logan to know I can fight. Or maybe I don't think I am good enough for him to see yet.

Who knows with my mind.

After the Danger room session was over, I had an odd sense that I was being watched. I am starting to hate that feeling, yet I am to the point where I know really well when someone is staring at me.

I turned around.

Everybody was looking at me with surprise, except for Scott of course... Even Gambit who likes to hide his emotions behind silly grins and flirtatious manners. We'll now they know. Rogue isn't quite the little defenseless baby they make her out to be.

"That was great everyone, well done... " Scott started offering people some comments and observations, lastly he turned to where Bobby and Kitty were sitting on a bench. "Kitty next time try paying more attention to you opponent than your boyfriend. This isn't a game."

I remember she turned beat red. I actually started to laugh. Bobby gently squeezed her arm; looking over at him they shared a smile.

Gambit snickered.

So everyone headed off to the showers. I headed to my room. Still am not comfortable showering and changing in front of everyone. Don't even think that is because of my mutation. Probably more due to my upbringing.

I just got out of the bathtub.. most times I prefer the bath to the shower.. when there was a knock on my door. Sometimes I wish I was telepathic; so that I could know who was behind the door and what there intentions were.

"Just a second." I yelled, grabbed some comfortable green sweats out of a drawer and quickly got dressed.

It was Scott. He obviously had just taken a shower. His clothes were sticking to his well defined body, his hair combed and parted, although still quite wet.

"You did really well today Rogue, wanted you to know that."

I left him at the door and grabbed a brush, sat down on the bed and started brushing through my wet tangled hair. I indicated that it was OK for him to come in, since he looked like he wanted to, and he did so. Scott sat down backwards at my computer chair and swiveled around to face me.

"Are you hungry Rogue?" I stopped brushing my hair and looked over at him.

"Yes, was just about t'head downstairs t'get somethin' t'eat."

"Would you like to go out for lunch?"

"With you?" I said in what must have been an astonished manner.

"Why not?"

"Why not.. " I repeated as if trying to figure out an answer.

"Sure... let me.." I stopped mid sentence threw the brush on the bed behind me and pulled my hair into a ponytail which I secured with a green hair band. I then got off the bed and stretched a little. "OK, ready?"

This time he seemed a little taken aback. He stood up and looked at me queerly.

"You're going like that?"

I looked at my clothes. I couldn't see anything wrong. I told him so. He started to laugh when he saw I was getting defensive.

"Its just Jean.." He pause for a minute as his eyebrows furrowed into a painful expression .. "She always took forever to get ready, makeup, clothes, just picking out what shoes to wear..."

"I've always been able to get ready fast." I told him. "Are you paying?" I asked not rudely, just wanted to know if I had to bring any money or credit cards.

"Yes." He didn't seem offended.

We started heading out of the room after I grabbed my sunglasses. That was when Jubilee popped in.

"Gong somewhere?" She looked at the glasses in my hands and then up at me. Then she looked over at Scott.

"We're goin' out t'lunch."

"Great! I'm starving!" I didn't think anything of it, Jubilee is always doing things like that, inviting herself along and such. But I happened to be looking in my mirror at the time; just making sure if my room was neat enough, and everything in order when I saw Scott's expression.

Pure disappointment.

But what did that mean really? Probably nothing. I read to much in things.

"Give me a minute to put some makeup on," She looked down at her jean shorts and yellow tank top, and then at her bare feet. "and to change my clothes.. it will only take a second, I'll be right back!"

It took her forty five minutes. But it was OK. Both Scott and I knew how long she took to get ready. I guess Jean isn't the only one that is like that. We played gin. He beat me a couple times. But I won in the end after we tallied up the totals. Scott can be quite funny. The way he pouted when he lost. It was actually quite cute.

So we went out to lunch. Afterwards, Jubilee convinced both of us to go with her to the mall. There was a jacket she had her eye on that she finally saved enough money up to buy. But them when we got there, she was so full of indecision about whether or not to get it, that I finally grabbed the money out of her pocket, snatched the coat out of her hands and bought it for her. I know she was really glad I did that.

Have I ever said that I don't like the mall? Well I don't, good thing we weren't there long. After Jubilee got her coat, she found out after I gave her some money back and the receipt, that it had been on sale and she had enough money left over to get matching shoes. Boy was that punishment. Took her an hour to find ones she liked. Meanwhile, Scott and I had left her and went to the electronics. After that I found I was craving some chocolate so we headed to the candy store. I guess it wasn't that bad. Scott bought himself some black licorice. Yuck. I bought Jubilee and me chocolate covered almonds. Those are her favorites. Mine too sometimes.

So that is the more important things that have happened since my little digression to thinking I was a young Erik, a victim of the holocaust. Been spending a lot more time with Scott, and not just with Jet lessons. Jubilee always seems to show up, so we are never really alone. But why would I notice that/ Do I want to be alone with Scott? And if I do what does that mean?

One thing I have noticed. He has started to hug me differently. I know touches. Since I am unable to touch skin to skin, it seems that that has heightened my senses, made me more aware of any form of physical contact. They have become more warm, more affectionate, not as brotherly like they used to be, or parental like Xavier's can be.

More intimate.

Oh, crap, one of my least favorite words. But there it is. We have become good friends these past months. So that is all that is, just friendship. Just cordial platonic affection...

There is something I saved for last. Since, well, it kinda frightens me.

I remember that dream of Erik's. I remember the way he felt sometimes around things metal. I have been feeling it to. When I focus my attention on anything metal I feel that low hum. And if I concentrate really hard... Well, at one point I was able to pick up a pen and move it across a room.

This started the last couple days. Since everything in my head has started to resurface. Although it isn't as severe as it could be, in fact everything is more controllable. Easier to handle...

There is something else. Yesterday I had a pretty physical and strenuous lesson with Xing, I believe he is one of those people that believes keeping busy solves a lot of problems.. Anyway, I cut myself pretty bad at one point. We had been practicing with the staffs, I didn't block fast enough, and wham, right across the knee. You wouldn't think a little stick could cause so much damage, but my knee would disagree. I had to go see Doctor McCoy, he wanted to give me stitches, but after he saw my expression, he told me we could start with a bandage, and if it started healing properly we wouldn't have to do the needlework.

Here's the interesting part... I woke up this morning, my knee was itching terribly. It got to the point where I ripped off the bandage and started scratching with a vengeance. It took me two quick seconds to realize that there was no longer a cut. Only a little pinkish area, and a very minuscule little line where the cut had been.

It had healed over night. Somehow I had used Logan's healing ability. But how?

I did something kinda silly after I saw my healed wound. I raced over to my desk, took out a pair of scissors and lightly slashed myself in the palm of my hand. It bled a little. I sat down on my bed and watched the cut. But nothing happened.

Nothing.

Why can't I do anything? Why can't I call the power forth? What is happening to me?

So I traded one large bandage on my knee for a small one on my hand. Wish I knew what was going on. I am going to have to talk to the Professor.

But tomorrow maybe, I need a little time to think.