I'm I Hurting You?

Chapter 14

Aria

A Few Months Later…

Aria was already showing but not by much. She rubbed invisible circles on her slightly swollen bump, rejoicing in the feeling that a baby was growing inside her. She could scarcely believe it herself. He or she was her miracle child, a child she thought she'd never have. She hugged her belly fiercely, vowing to give her child all the things she never had. Every day she felt her child growing inside her. It was all new to her. She was going to take it a step at a time.

Her pregnancy was going accordingly so her doctor had said. She was beginning to love Dr. Anne Stevens. Dr. Stevens made her feel comfortable and cared for. The African American woman with the kind dark eyes was wonderful. She always asked about Aria's life and took her feelings into consideration. To doctor Stevens, she mattered. Her child included. She loved that.

She was still getting used to being pregnant. She loved it, but she didn't love the morning sickness, fatigue, or constantly going to the bathroom to pee. In the past few months, she'd watched as her body changed. She didn't consider them bad changes. Not in the least.

Her face was rounder and had a glow to it, her breasts rounder and fuller than before and her nipples grew darker in color and puckered out, and her body had become voluptuous in all the right places. She was still becoming accustomed to her new physique. In all fairness, pregnancy looked good on her. She felt lighter, healthier as she followed all Anne Stevens instructions. She had something to look forward to, something to love and cherish.

Yes, her ankles swelled occasionally, but that was nothing compared to morning sickness, being tired, and peeing a lot. She didn't even mind that she had put on weight. She knew that was expected with being pregnant. She didn't complain. She was one of the lucky ones. She had gotten her wish. She was going to be someone's mother. That thought alone still blew her mind.

She just hoped she carried this baby to full term. She would die if she miscarried. This could be her only chance at having a child. This child gave her a new lease on life. She didn't have to be alone anymore. This child gave her hope.

Aria wasn't a religious person, but she prayed every night that god watched over this baby, this small life inside her. She had never wanted anything more than to have this baby. For once in her life, she had faith. She trusted the lord would do the right thing, would give her someone she could love unconditionally, someone just for her. God knew her struggles.

She wasn't asking for much. Just to have her baby, to get the chance to hold him or her in her arms, and to peer down into its little face. She knew that childbirth was dangerous, but she didn't care. The only thing that mattered was that her child be born healthy. That's all she asked. She wanted this child, the one she had helped to create with every fiber in her being. She desperately wanted to experience motherhood. She had never had a mother.

Aria didn't want to even think of Mr. Fitz. He confused her. He made her question what she wanted out of life. He forced her to see him as a man, a hot-blooded one. She hadn't seen him since she'd told him she was pregnant with his baby. He hadn't believed her. To him, she was a liar. Did he really think so low of her? Apparently he did.

She wasn't trying to complicate his life. She wasn't asking for anything. He didn't have to take part in their child's life. Their child didn't have to know him. She could be her kid's mother and father. She was capable of doing it. She wouldn't allow her child to suffer. He or she was innocent.

Their child hadn't asked to be born. She only wanted Mr. Fitz to acknowledge that this was his baby. She didn't get pregnant all on her own. He was just as responsible as she was. They both shared the blame. She hadn't been on birth control. She had seen no reason to take it if she couldn't have any children. Her menstrual cycle had always been regular.

Condoms hadn't been on her mind when she'd slept with Mr. Fitz twice. It had been reckless of her. She wasn't a reckless person. Honestly, she wasn't. She'd always embraced caution and took really good care of her body. She knew all the risk to having unprotected sex. She wasn't looking for anything that she couldn't get rid of. She was highly aware of Mr. Fitz's reputation for sleeping around.

Not that she thought Mr. Fitz would intentionally harm her. He struck her as a guy who used condoms. He just didn't with her. Why was that? Had he thought her special? He loved his single status. He liked not being attached to anyone. Who was the woman who had hurt him? She had caused deep-rooted issues in him. He feared getting close to people of the opposite sex. She felt for him.

She didn't know Mr. Fitz's situation. He was just a mystery like she was to him. She really didn't know anything about him. She wished she could be open with him. She had a desire to tell him about her past, about what had happened to her. She hadn't always been this way. Being raped had changed her as a person. Old Aria wasn't ever coming back.

Would she ever be comfortable around a guy again? Would sex always fill her with shame? The thought of making love terrified her. It would expose her aching soul. She was nothing. Damaged goods couldn't be a more suited word to describe her. Being raped made her feel worthless. She wished she could erase what Detective Wilden had done to her. He had taken everything from her. He had made her feel helpless as a woman.

She hadn't been able to protect herself. Tears of despair fell down her cheeks and she quickly brushed them away. She wouldn't become emotional again. She wouldn't allow Detective Wilden to win, to have some kind of power over her. She had won. He had been caught. He was the one who was locked away. She was insanely grateful for the distance between them.

Detective Wilden would never get the chance to harm another woman again. She hadn't been his first victim. He had raped two other women before her. They had been too scared to report him. He had threatened them. She'd been the only one brave enough to defy him. The whole entire community had been rocked by their resident Detective's heinous acts. She still couldn't understand why he'd targeted her. Just how long had he stalked her? Just thinking about it made her shudder.

She shook her head clear and ran a hand through her long dark hair, her fingers twirling around the silky locks. Detective Wilden couldn't hurt her. Not anymore. The rat bastard was out of her life for good. She wished there would come a day when she didn't have to think about him. Why was the rape still fresh in her mind? Wasn't three years long enough? She pushed to her feet and padded into the kitchen to get a glass of water. She hummed as the cool water rushed down her throat and curled her fingers around the glass. She chewed her lip and sat the glass down on the countertop.

She'd had another restless night. Sleep had eluded her yet again. She knew she had bags under her eyes. Being sleep deprive wasn't good in her condition. Did her baby feel how stressed she was? She hoped not.

She shivered and ran her hands up and down her arms, nestling deep in her robe. When had it become cold? It was summer. She was glad she didn't have to go to work tomorrow. School was out on summer break. She had plans.

There was much to be done. She had to turn her spare bedroom into a nursery. She didn't know what she was having so she couldn't decide on which color to paint the walls. She didn't know why green, yellow, and eggshell white came to mind. She would head to the local Lowe's tomorrow to get some paint swatches. It was too early for her to start baby shopping. She wasn't that far along yet. She had to remember that patience was the key.

Aria blew out a breath and closed her arms over her chest and headed out the kitchen. She wandered around her apartment before curling up on the couch. Her lovely big brown eyes framed by inky thick lashes looked out the window and stared into the night. She couldn't believe how dark it was outside. She itched for daylight. She hated the dark. It was too quiet, much too quiet. She flicked on the TV and browsed through the channels, not seeing anything she liked.

After three minutes, she flicked the TV back off. She instantly tensed when someone knocked on her door. Who could it be at this hour; she thought and got up from the couch. She walked cautiously to the door. Whoever it was, they were very persistent. Her icy fingers flew through her hair as she crept closer to the door. She pressed her ear up against the door as the person on the other side spoke incoherently. She sagged with relief and leaned heavily towards the door as she deciphered the voice.

She opened up the door after three long hard knocks. Her wide ruby mouth fell open at the state of him. He looked terrible. He was obviously drunk as his steel blue eyes looked down at her hard and slightly unfocused. He swayed on his feet and caught his balance by bracing his hands on either side of the doorframe.

She had never seen him like this. His drunken state unnerved her. She was afraid to invite him into her apartment. She didn't know what to expect from him in his very intoxicated state. She continued to look him over, noting his rumpled clothes and bloody knuckles as though he'd been into a bar fight. His eyes were as intense as they roamed over her stunning face and then down her body, stopping at her small bump. She didn't know why, but she wrapped protective arms around her bulging belly. Would he harm their child?

Fear washed over her in great waves when he entered her apartment without waiting for her permission. She shivered inwardly when he bushed up against her on his way inside. She stepped back and ignored the sizzling tingle that zapped through her veins and stilled her breath. She couldn't ignore the tension between them or their attraction to one another as she felt the full impact of his blazing gaze. What was he doing to her? Big brown eyes met steel blue in the hope of dispelling the insane chemistry between them. It didn't help, she was still very aware of him.

His Ivy League good looks were something to be envied. How could a guy have such delicate features? But she wasn't attracted to his physical appearance. She was attracted to the lost soul beneath. They both had been hurt before. She felt a connection to him, some undeniable pull that made her able to read him. What was it about him that made her unafraid of him at this moment? She could feel his pain as though it was hers. He was wounded and broken. She had never seen he looked so vulnerable, out his element.

Aria walked over to him and felt her trepidation of him dial down. Somehow, she knew he wouldn't hurt her. Yeah, he was drunk, but he wasn't dangerous. She led him into the kitchen to wash the blood off his hands at the sink. He grimaced when her small fingers ran over his sensitive knuckles. All the while she felt his eyes on her. She kept her focus and doctored him up, using cotton balls and peroxide. She only moved away long enough to make a pot of coffee to sober him up.

Her long dark hair fell down around her face as she blew on his abused knuckles to reduce the stinging sensation he felt. She was standing so close to him, her small body dwarfed next to his. She inhaled his pleasant scent, the inside of her belly doing backflips as she took in the musk, spice, and alcohol mix. The warmth that flowed through her had her flustered and her hands skittered across his skin as a result. Did he know how he affected her? His nearness, touch, and kisses inflamed her scenes. She couldn't think whenever he was around her.

Mr. Fitz groaned as he sniffed her hair and laid his head against hers. His heated breath tousled her luxurious tresses. Did he still want her? She didn't want to think about it. She had to think of their child, her child. He or she was the only thing that mattered. He could mentally hurt her, but not their child.

When she was done cleaning out his small cuts, he stumbled over to the table and sat down. She went to go get him a cup of coffee, and then she joined him at the kitchen table. She watched him as he drank the strong black coffee, his steel blue eyes becoming clearer. They sat in silence for a while. She didn't mind. She knew he would talk when he was ready. She didn't push him. He would only clam up if she did.

What had caused his reaction? He didn't look to be a drinker. He sipped on his coffee and used one hand to massage his temple. She could only imagine that he had a headache. She winced slightly and got up to get him a bottle of Advil. He swallowed the oval-shaped pills back to back and threw back more coffee to wash them down. The strain left his mouth as the tablets took effect.

Aria glanced down at her fingernails, and then looked back up to meet his eyes. She couldn't look away. A silent message passed between them and she felt her walls crumbling a little. She wanted to let him in. She recognized his pain. Her heart ached for him. She knew what it was like to feel unloved, abandoned. They both were damaged. What an odd pair they made.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Aria asked as she got up to get him more coffee. "I'm a really good listener".

Indecisiveness played over his face.

"Why?" he asked in a gravelly voice and shifted in his chair. "My problems are my own".

Why was he so guarded?

"Because I can see that you're hurting and I want to help if I can," Aria said calmly, her eyes holding his. "Why come to my house if you don't want to talk?"

He hunched his shoulders and offered her a lopsided smile.

"Do you see me as a study case, teacher?" he asked with sarcasm, trying to mask his emotions. "I didn't know you studied psychology".

He was baiting her, trying to make her angry. She didn't take the bait.

"No, I see you as a person who is hurting deeply," Aria said softly and smiled sadly at him. "And I took a psychology course in college. I actually loved it".

Interest sparked in his eyes.

He wanted to know more about her.

Should she tell him about herself?

She had always kept to herself.

No one could hurt her if she didn't give them ammunition to use against her.

"This is the first time you've told me something personal about yourself. I like it. I want to know more about you, about your roots". The sound of his voice made her shiver and she wrapped her robe tighter about herself. "What I want to know is, is why do you care about me? I'm nothing to you. If it's pity, then I don't want it. I'm just fine without it".

The way he said that touched something deep inside her.

She had a desire to comfort him.

She didn't pity him.

She felt what he felt.

She'd been hurt too.

Didn't he see that?

"I just wanted to share something with you. I don't make a habit of talking about myself as you can tell. I like my privacy". She looked away from him. His eyes were too intense, too intimate. "That's not true. You're my student. I care. I care about all my students. I don't pity you".

He shook his head and took a swig of his coffee.

He didn't like her reply.

"But I'm not just one of your students, am I?" he asked with a hint of anger in his voice. "I know you intimately. I've be inside you. I've made you come".

Her cheeks flushed at his candidness and she wanted to hide her face.

"Don't". She didn't want to think of them in that way. It couldn't happen again. "Can we just keep it neutral between us?"

His beautiful steel blue eyes narrowed and became colder at her request.

"Am I that forgettable to you?" he questioned. Could she lie to him? She didn't want to, but she didn't want to talk about it. "Because when it comes to me, I can't forget. You're a hard woman to forget".

She wanted to bring up the baby.

Did he still not believe her?

Her fingers stroked her small baby bump and so much love filled her heart. She carried a piece of him inside her. It didn't matter if he didn't believe her. She had proof. And that was all that mattered to her. She wouldn't regret their baby, their child. Their child was a miracle. She loved her unborn child so much.

"Did you know I couldn't have children at first?" she didn't look at him when she asked this. It was hard to admit her failure as a woman. "A man hurt me badly and as a result, I was told I would never be able to bear children. The news shattered me. I felt like half a woman. I've always wanted children. And when my doctor told me that I was pregnant, I felt a rush of emotions grip me. So no, I didn't lie to you. This child is yours, ours".

She looked up at him in a show of courage she felt. She was stronger now. She knew that. She could read so many emotions swirling around behind his eyes. He wanted answers. She could literally see the questions forming inside his head. Could she tell him everything? She didn't think she could, at least not tonight. She didn't want to even mention Detective Wilden. She was done thinking about him.

Her eyes dropped once more and she stared at his hands. She liked the way he touched her. His hand fisted the cup of coffee angrily. He didn't like that a man had hurt her. Did that mean he cared about her? She couldn't tell with him. He didn't do relationships.

"Is that why you don't like to be touched?" Mr. Fitz asked as he got up to crouch down in front of her. He didn't touch her and she was grateful for that. She didn't think she wanted to be touched at the moment. "This fucker, did he also bring on your fear of men?"

She stared down into his face and nodded her head, running stiff fingers through her lengthy dark hair.

If she spoke her voice would crack.

She didn't want to cry in front of him.

She had cried too many times in front of him.

She didn't want him to think she was weak.

She didn't want him to see that being raped still plagued her thoughts.

She wasn't that helpless woman anymore.

Detective Wilden was out of her life forever.

"He raped you, didn't he?" he already knew the truth but he wanted to hear her say it, to admit it out loud. "I knew something bad happened to you. I could feel it. Was the fucker ever caught? Who is he? I need to know".

Should she tell him?

Could it hurt?

Would it help him to best understand her?

"Yes, he was caught," she said in a soft voice, loving his closeness. She didn't know why, but she felt safe whenever he was around. It was weird. She still feared him, but she felt at ease with his proximity. "And he was a Detective back in the town I moved from. You don't need to know his name".

He nodded with understanding.

His concern for her safety pierced her heart. It made her wonder. Could she trust him?

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "You must have gone through hell".

What did he have to be sorry for, he wasn't the guy that had raped her? Her being raped wasn't his fault.

"Don't be, it wasn't' your fault. You weren't the guy". Was it crazy for her to want him to touch her, to hold her? "I did, but I don't want to talk about it anymore".

He didn't her pressure into saying anything more.

"Can I touch you?" he asked, feeling her body as it tensed. "I just want to hold you".

Uncertainty must have shown on her face because he smiled up at her, coaxing her up to her feet. She went. He maneuvered them so that he was sitting down in the chair now with her on his lap, and then he wrapped her up in his strong arms, mindful of her bulging belly. He'd never held her before. She reminded herself not to flinch. He wasn't going to hurt her. He wasn't Detective Wilden. All men weren't the same. She had to remember that.

Mr. Fitz was safe, good. He was also different. She felt a bond with him. They shared a bond, their child. She wanted him to accept their baby, his baby.

"Why did you really come here tonight?" Aria asked, gasping when his fingers unconsciously grazed her belly. "What happened?"

Would he tell her?

"Doesn't matter anymore," he said as he tightened his arms around her. "I'm I hurting you?"

She could tell that something was obviously bothering him.

Had she said something wrong?

"N-No," She stammered. Him just holding her felt nice. "It feels nice, you holding me I mean".

She relinquished control and reclined back against his chest, her big brown eyes lifting up to collide with his. When had steel blue become her favorite color? She shook the thought from her head. She couldn't get too comfortable with him. He didn't do attachments. She had to think of the baby. She had to protect her child. She wouldn't allow it to get hurt. Her baby counted on her.

"Can I stay here?" his breath ruffled her silky hair. "It would be just for tonight".

Sorry to leave you guys like that lol. I wonder what would be Aria's answer. I guess you guys will find that out in the next chapter. I hoped you loved this lengthy chapter for a change. So, what did you think? Please review and let me know your thoughts! I honestly liked how Aria opened up a little bit to him. Will Ezra do the same? You'll find that out in the next chapter too. Again, thanks for all the love and support this story alone has gotten. I really do appreciate.