Author's Ramblings: Here we are with another chapter, as promised. Howard's POV this time. Well, half of it is, anyway. Flashbacks are in bog-standard third person narrative still. This part contains scenes of a sexual nature. I wasn't sure whether to up the rating or not, but I din't want to do that just because of one scene, so I've put in warning lines so you can skip past it if it's not your cuppa tea. You'll know when you hit them.

Anyway, this is by far my favourite chapter so far, so I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.

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'The Nightmare of Milky Joe' episode recap: The boys' plans to make their fortunes in America are put on hold when they end up marooned on a desert island. They quickly start blaming each other, and after 44 days, Howard begins to slowly lose his mind. Sensing that there is no rescue coming, he attempts to persuade Vince into 'offering himself up' as a meal. Unsurprisingly, Vince is less than taken by the idea, but in trying to escape finds some coconuts, which the two then feast on instead.

After filling themselves up they begin fighting again, Howard's negative and often depressing take on the situation clashing with Vince's optimistic outlook. Howard dismisses Vince as worthless, and Vince counters by mocking Howard's attempts to document their adventure. When he goes too far with jibes about the particularly touchy subject of Howard's love life, Howard draws a line in the sand between them. However, the joke is on him once again - all the trees are on Vince's side.

In the morning, Vince is cheerful as ever, having knocked himself up an impressive wooden hut overnight. Driven even deeper into despair, Howard notices a coconut lying on the ground with markings that resemble a face, and begins to make conversation with it. He names the coconut 'Milky Joe' and dresses him in a striped tea towel (he's French).

Vince overhears Howard and Milky Joe having an intellectual conversation and asks to join in. When he is rejected, he retaliates by making a female coconut called Ruby and dating her. Howard is immediately jealous, and attempts to patch things up with Vince again. Vince slams his hospitality - and the door - in Howard's face, and Howard becomes even more dejected than ever, reflecting on all his lost hopes and dreams that will never be realized.

Some time later, Vince walks past Howard's hut with Ruby and another coconut girl on his arm. Howard becomes even more jealous about it and asks Vince to 'put a word in' for him with the second girl, Precious. At first Vince refuses, claiming that he and Ruby have developed an open relationship and want to go for the 'coconut three-way', but then takes pity on the other man and invites him over to dinner so he can attempt to impress Precious.

Surprisingly, Howard is successful in the advances and falls into a relationship with Precious. However, things aren't as rosy as they first appear, as it is revealed that Precious is abusive when Vince invites Howard to a party. Vince threatens to have a word with her, but Howard tells him to leave it, so he goes to the party alone.

Howard watches Vince's party jealously from his hut. When Ruby questions him, he tries sticking up for himself as Vince suggested. He pushes her away, and she falls and hits her head on a rock. Realizing that he's killed her, Howard goes to Vince for help and the two of them bury the body, not seeing the cameraman that films the whole thing.

The police arrive on the scene, and, after a heated car chase, Vince and Howard find themselves on the dock. Milky Joe is called to the witness stand during their trial and describes them as violent men, saying he believes they both killed Precious. The judge finds Vince and Howard guilty and a coconut that looks suspiciously like the Hitcher encourages the others to take part in a coconut shy, in which Vince and Howard are the targets.

The scene suddenly changes to Vince and Howard lying on the beach surrounded by empty coconuts, and are awoken by a sailor throwing water over them. The sailor tells them that the coconuts they'd eaten were rancid, and everything that had happened since then was a hallucination.

Vince and Howard arrive back at the flat and tune into the Pieface Showcase, despite the fact that they didn't make it to their slot. The show is presented by a very over-enthusiastic Bob Fossil, and the boys are horrified to discover that the headlining act is 'Milky Joe and the Coconuts'.

Perspectives II

Howard

I'm confused.

It's not a feeling I'm used to. I'm Howard Moon; Man of Action, jazz maverick, spanner of genres, multi-instrumentalist and award-winning cream poet. Men like me don't have time for petty emotions like confusion.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm none of that stuff. I'm no-one.

But I am confused. I can't get some of the stuff that happened on that island out of my head. For one thing, I don't even know if it really did happen. That sailor, the one that looked a bit like Fossil, he seemed convinced it was just a hallucination because of the coconuts. But how would that explain Milky Joe being on the Pieface Showcase? It doesn't make sense. I get a headache just thinking about it.

But there's one particular event that I can't get out of my head, no matter how hard I try. It was a few weeks after I drew that line in the sand, after I had Milky Joe, but before Vince had Ruby. Every time I close my eyes, I see it replaying over and over again in my head like one of those old black and white movies.

"Hey."

Vince jumped a little, and Howard cursed himself for startling the other man. He relaxed a bit when he saw it was only Howard, but his eyes still remained guarded.

"Hey. What you doing here? Not having a meeting with the Coconut Lodge?"

Howard cringed as Vince made no attempt to hide his disdain. "Ah… no, actually. We've decided to have a break for tonight, so I'm all yours."

"Lucky me." Vince murmured, then went back to staring out at the ocean, as he had been before. After a moment's hesitation, Howard set down next to him. They were on a secluded section of the beach, tucked away behind a small grove of trees. The night was warm, but a cool breeze wafted gently through the air, preventing it from becoming uncomfortably hot. The moon was full and bright, but mercifully silent, and its rays lent an ethereal, silvery glow to the waters, to the sand, to Vince's hair. Despite how much Howard had gotten to loathe this place, it was beautiful.

"It's beautiful here, isn't it?" Vince asked suddenly, as though he'd looked right into Howard's brain and pulled the words right out.

"I thought you hated it here. No phones, no TV, no radio, nowhere to plug your straighteners in..."

"It's not so bad. It's the company I miss more than anything."

"What, Naboo and Bollo? They probably haven't even noticed we're missing. Or do you mean all your sad mates that you go out clubbing with? Yeah, I can see why you miss them -"

"Oh, Howard, isn't it obvious?" Vince interrupted suddenly, exasperated. "I miss you!"

Howard blinked. That didn't even make sense. "But…I'm here with you. If anything, we see more of each other out here than we did back at home!"

Vince shrugged almost shyly, trailing his fingers back and forth through the golden sand. "Yeah, but… we don't talk, do we? Even back at home, we never talk any more. When was the last time we really had a proper conversation? One that didn't involve us hurling insults at each other?"

Howard was about to point out whose fault that was, but stopped himself when Vince looked up at him. In this light, Vince's eyes seemed almost preternaturally blue, and the expression on his face was open, honest. Genuine. Without his usual defence mechanisms and three thousand or so layers of crap, he was no longer the bitchy, narcissistic, self-obsessed stranger that Howard flat-shared with back at home. He was just Vince; sweet, simple Vince, Howard's best mate.

"…listening to anything I'm saying, are you?" Vince demanded, and Howard realized too late that he was still talking. The look on his face was no longer sweet, just extremely pissed off.

"Um… yes!" Howard tried to sound indignant. "Of course I have."

"Really. What's the last thing I said, then?"

"Um… something about… cheese?"

Vince raised an eyebrow, then smirked and gave Howard a 'playful' shove, hard enough to send him sprawling into the sand.

"Hey! You'd just better watch it sir, or I'll come at you like a runaway train, like a rampaging bull in the pasture, like a -"

"Go on, then."

"What?"

"You're always saying that you'll 'come at me' like something. I want to see you do it."

"Right, you asked for it." Howard mumbled, before grabbing Vince and mercilessly tickling his ribs. The younger man squealed with a combination of surprise and delight, struggling in vain to break free.

"Howard! Let me go!"

Vince put up an impressive fight, kicking and writhing and clawing for all he was worth, but Howard was bigger and stronger, and he used it to his advantage, using the momentum of Vince's struggles to push him back into the sand, coming to rest with his knees either side of a slender waist and his hands pinning Vince's wrists above his head.

And then the scuffle came to an end, and the situation didn't seem quite so funny any more.

Howard's face was about an inch away from Vince's, and for the longest of moments, they just stared into one another's eyes, maintaining visual contact for the first time in months. Vince licked his lips as his penetrating blue gaze roved over Howard's face. Howard knew him well enough by now to know that the gesture was an unconscious one, but it still sent a bolt of desire the likes of which he'd never felt before shooting down his spine.

"You know," Vince broke the silence in a pretty passable American drawl, "A less honourable man than yourself could easily take advantage of a little ol' lady like me right now."

Though the comment was made in jest, the look in his eyes was serious, and something else, too. Could it be… pleading? Longing? Something like that.

"Well then," Howard replied, slipping into character without even thinking about it. "It's a good thing I'm an honourable man."

"Mmm…" Vince sighed non-commitally. His eyelids fluttered closed, the long, dark lashes brushing the sharp edge of his cheekbone. He really was exquisitely beautiful, Howard thought numbly, moving his hand to cup the other man's face. Vince managed to get one of his own hands free, and reached it behind Howard's neck, toying with the curls that grew there.

"Howard…"

Hearing his name uttered in that breathy whisper just about broke Howard's self control, and he released his death-grip on Vince's wrist, crushing their lips together with a force and desperation that surprised even him. Instantly, Vince's arms went around him as he returned the kiss with every bit as much passion, pulling their bodies as close together as it was possible for them to be with their clothes still on. And it still wasn't close enough. Howard moved his lips to explore Vince's neck, tearing strange whimpering cries from the younger man's throat that spurred him on even more.

I know what you're thinking. Don't think that. We didn't go all the way; that much I do know.

But we came close.

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Your warning lines
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Vince rolled them over to be on top, leaning down to undo the buttons on Howard's raggedy Hawaiian shirt with shaking fingers. He pushed the torn material off the bigger man's shoulders when the last one was undone, and Howard gasped as Vince began pouring kisses all over his chest and stomach. When he reached the waistband of Howard's trousers, he paused and looked up questioningly. Howard uttered his name, and that was all the reassurance he seemed to need, flashing a quick grin before unfastening the button and yanking down both the trousers and the boxer shorts underneath in one go.

Howard's arousal sprung free, and Vince took him into his mouth without warning, forcing Howard to make some kind of pathetic wail he was pretty sure a Man of Action like himself should be ashamed of. His hands found their way into Vince's hair, grasping at the strands so hard, he was sure it would have been painful. He half-expected Vince to stop what he was doing and yell at him, but he didn't, thankfully.

Howard jerked his hips without even meaning to, forcing himself all the way down Vince's throat. The younger man gagged slightly but quickly recovered, making little humming noises that cause Howard to thrust all the more.

He's done this before, Howard realized, with probably more anger than he had a right to feel. He may have been inexperienced, but he could tell that Vince was practiced. He wondered with a sick feeling in his gut how many times he had done this with faceless strangers in club toilets and alleyways, in return for favours or money or just not getting his face kicked in. It was that thought that led him to grasp Vince by the shoulders and pull him back up to face level.

"Together." He said simply. Vince nodded, clearly understanding Howard's wish and dropping his head onto Howard's shoulder as the older man sat up and put his arms around him again. After a few moments, Howard pulled away to lift off Vince's ridiculous leafy shirt. Vince moaned quietly as Howard ran his hands down over his ribs and up his back, eventually coming to grasp his shoulder blades as they fell back into the sand again in their original position.

Vince whined desperately and arched his back, pressing their lower bodies together in a way that made them both groan aloud as liquid fire shot through their systems. Howard could feel how badly Vince needed this, and he was pretty sure he couldn't last much longer without spontaneously combusting, so he moved down and pulled off the bamboo drainpipes, pausing along the way to drop several kisses on Vince's torso.

Howard paused a moment to appreciate the sheer beauty of the sight before him. Vince was stretched out naked on the beach, his pale skin burning brightly in the moonlight and his raven hair bleeding like a halo into the sand around his head. His eyes were heavy-lidded and almost blackened with desire, his fringe sticking to his forehead with sweat, his cheeks flushed and lips parted and swollen.

Then Vince spread his legs apart and spat in his hand, slicking Howard up in preparation. Howard pressed a kiss to his collarbone before leaning back to look his soon-to-be love in the eye.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Vince?"

"Yeah… I love you, Howard."

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End of mature scene
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With those words, Howard came jarring back to his senses so harshly, it was as though someone had ripped the needle off a cheesy romantic movie soundtrack. What the hell was he doing?! This was Vince. His friend. Barely even that, most of the time. He was meant to be mad at Vince. He certainly wasn't meant to be getting naked with him.

"Howard?" Vince's eyes snapped open, sensing Howard's hesitation, though he was still clearly hazy. "What are you doing?"

Howard couldn't look at him. Partly because of the guilt gnawing at the pit of his stomach, and partly because he was worried looking at him would send him into a frenzy of uncontrollable desire again. Instead he stood up, gathering his clothes and awkwardly getting back into them.

"Howard." This time Vince's voice was clearer, sharper as he sat up, levelling the other man with an even stare, eyes like blue slits in his face. It was clear he knew now that there was going to be no sex, but still confused as to why. "What are you doing? Where are you going?"

"I, uh… Actually, Milky Joe's calling me, so I'd better go see what he wants… I'll speak to you later though, yeah?"

With that, he turned and walked away, leaving Vince shivering, alone and unsatisfied on the beach.

I know. I know, you don't have to tell me. I shouldn't have left him like that. It was awful, inexcusable. I feel disgusted with myself. Though he got his revenge. The next day I was introduced to Ruby.

My only defence is that I know it didn't mean anything to him. Vince likes sex. Actually, that's an understatement - to say that Vince likes sex is like saying I like jazz. That is to say, Vince likes sex A LOT. I mean, I'm not stupid, I hear him at night time when he brings people home, thinking I'm asleep. He's not quiet. And neither are they, most of the time. I don't like to think what he does to them. Actually, that's a lie; I do like to think of it. I like to think of him doing it to me.

But I digress. The point is, he'd been stuck on a desert island for nearly fifty days. I was the only other human being in the vicinity, so I was the best he could do. As far as he was concerned, it was just sex. Or it would have been, had it actually happened. As for the 'I love you' thing, I don't know what that was about. I know he loves me as a friend, he's told me often enough. Maybe he's just lonely. Or maybe he says that to everyone he screws; I wouldn't know.

So I think it's fair to say that Vince's motives in the whole thing were pretty clear. It's my part in the events that I'm wondering about. As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango, and I instigated it. And yes, I've been having these certain, unnameable feelings for Vince for months now. And yes, they've been getting stronger and stronger recently. But…

I don't even know why I'm trying to justify this. It didn't even happen - it was just some warped, delusional fantasy caused by eating too many rancid coconuts. As far as Vince is concerned, it probably didn't happen. Part of me is dying to ask him if he remembers anything, but I'm too scared of being rejected. I can just imagine him saying it now, with that irritating little half-smirk on his face:

"Yeah, I'm tryin' to forget it, actually, Howard. Me and you? Ugh. Thank God it was only a dream, eh?"

All completely innocent, not knowing how much pain he'd be causing me. Christ, I've really got it bad for the little bastard, haven't I? I don't know what I did in a past life to deserve this, but it must have been something pretty terrible. Out of all the people I could go and fall in love with, I have to pick the one person who is incapable of loving me back. The one person who will never see me as anything more than a joke.

"Howard?"

I glance up at the sound of my own name. Vince had been lying on the sofa, buried in the latest copy of Cheekbone magazine, but now he's sitting up and looking at me with a peculiar expression on his face.

"Yeah?"

"Back on that island… or in the dream, whatever… did we… I mean, did we… fight a lot?"

I could swear that wasn't what he was going to say, but I don't push it. "No more than usual."

"Oh." And he goes back to his magazine.

"Right!" Naboo says suddenly, striding into the room and making us both jump to attention. For someone who's only about four feet tall, he has the presence of an army general. "I'm gettin' sick of you two slackers lazing around here, cluttering up the place and not getting any work done. Your rent's four weeks overdue. You said you were going to America to make your fortune, and you've come back empty handed - again!"

"That wasn't exactly our fault, Naboo." I point out. Vince doesn't say anything, just glances briefly over the top of the magazine before disappearing into its pages again.

"Maybe not, but unless you happened to take down the number of that captain while he was chasing you with a harpoon, that's not a lot of use. From tomorrow, I want you both working in the shop downstairs. You either earn your beds here, or you find somewhere else to live."

And he leaves again.

So, that's it. From tomorrow, we're starting work in Naboo's shady, probably highly illegal second-hand shop, which as far as I can tell is just a front for his even shadier, more illegal shamanistic activities. Can't exactly say I'm looking forward to it. Vince will probably do a minimal amount of work, flirt with the customers, pocket the contents of the cash register and find even more new and exciting ways to be a bitch, while I toil from nine to five for nothing but minimum wage and heaps of unnecessary ridicule. Still, at least it'll be a handy distraction from all my other problems.

Who wouldn't want to be me right now?

A/N: Heh.

Season three up next, so make sure your emotional safeguards are well and truly in place!

In the meantime... reviews, pretty please?