Chapter 14 – Tris

As I stand in the kitchen making a couple of cups of coffee I smile to myself thinking how well today has gone and how I can hear Ruby's laugh bounce off the walls from Tobias most likely pulling funny faces at her. I didn't realise how attractive it is to see the father of your child interact with what you both have created and add that to his piercing blue eyes, light stubble and well...everything else, it is hard not to flush red as soon as you lay eyes on him. Stop thinking like that Tris, I have to scold myself as I can't go there not whilst I am with Uriah because he doesn't deserve it.

Since I talked to Christina quite a few days ago I have been confused as to how I feel about both of the men in my life. I kept myself busy at work so I didn't have to face up to my feelings or either of them. It was unfair on them both but to ease my conscience I sent Tobias a few pictures of Ruby and gave basic updates to Uriah.

I absentmindedly glide my fingers over the ravens just below my collarbone whilst staring into the backyard as it is times like this where I miss my mother the most as she would help guide me in the right direction and say exactly what I needed to hear. I had the three ravens tattooed a few months after my parents passed and they soon became four after Ruby was born to represent all my family and I wish they were all here in physical form.

I was planning on avoiding both Uriah and Tobias over the weekend as well but when Christina came over this morning she told me in no uncertain terms to woman up and face up to the cards I have been dealt. I feel like that is all she has been saying to me since Tobias came back and the heavy conversations are dragging me down as they're so emotionally draining. I just want things to feel normal again so when he texted earlier today asking to meet up I was hesitant at first but ultimately I knew I had to and needed to, and I feel Christina would have shoved me out of the door anyways.

In hindsight I am glad I didn't talk myself out of it because we were able to talk with no interruptions and he opened up to me, which I know is incredibly hard for him to do. He usually bottles everything up and is like a ticking time bomb until he explodes so I needed to express how thankful I was for his openness. I couldn't have planned it better if I am honest as he was also able to quash some of my lingering doubts about him staying when he told me he now has a place of his own. I was instantly emotional after he told me that as it proves his intentions are to stay and I can't falter him for that.

I now also know the extent of Marcus' involvement in why he left and hearing what he went through almost broke my heart. I knew what Marcus was capable of but this was beyond belief, I don't know how he could do that to his own flesh and blood and I'm I was in no way sorry to hear that he isn't alive anymore.

All of this doesn't mean I have forgotten or forgiven what Tobias has done and what he has missed out on, but it does put us on a road of recovery where I can begin to put this behind me.

I sigh as I realise I have to re-make the coffee as I have been lost in my thoughts for way too long that the coffee is now more cold than it is hot. I finally manage to make them and begin taking them into the living room when Tobias pops out from the room, "there you are..let me help" he says whilst rushing to me to take his cup. I smile appreciatively at him before following him back into the room where I see Ruby sprawled out on her play mat with only a hundred and one toys surrounding her. "Tobias" I say accusingly whilst staring in disbelief at the amount of toys and he sheepishly replies "sorry..I just wanted her to have a selection." I can't help but laugh at his reasoning and shake my head at him, "a selection...more like an accumulation of everything she possesses" and I then use my hands to gesture her having him wrapped around his little finger. It's his turn to laugh as he agrees with my assessment.

We both decide to take a seat so we can drink our coffee and watch Ruby play with her 'selection' of toys at the same time. "So Christina was welcoming as always" he states sarcastically out of the blue and I laugh quietly before replying, "well you know her, subtlety isn't exactly her strong suit." It has taken longer than I thought for him to bring up his less than joyful experience with Christina when we came back from the park. As she was here earlier she offered to watch Ruby whilst I met him and I completely forgot they'd yet to see each other since he got back so it was a rather explosive first encounter when we reached my house. She was unpleasant to say the least and I can't say I didn't completely disagree with what she said but I was thankful Ruby was there because it prevented it from escalating any further.

"Was she right about what she said about you?" he asks solemnly, I nod stiffly and I instantly see the pain etched on his face.

"You broke her Four she was completely unrecognisable and then she nearly lost Ruby! Tris could seriously have died as well and where were you, huh!? You left her when she needed you the most you piece of sh-" and that is where I had to intervene.

She had said a lot more before that but when she started talking about my pregnancy which took a turn for the worse I had to stop her. It was too much to relive and I had to ask her to leave before anymore could be said. She wasn't happy but after giving Tobias a stern warning and a look which could kill she was on her way.

I know he is hurting and part of me wants to revel in that, but the greater part of me hates seeing him in pain so I try my best to reassure him. "Tobias, we are here now and both of us are perfectly fine" I say whilst gesturing towards Ruby who has a stern look of concentration as she attempts to figure out her animal peg set. He smiles apologetically and I quietly mutter "I know..I know."

I decide to let him be alone with his thoughts for now whilst I take my place next to Ruby on the floor and spend some time playing with her, and her wide array of toys.

I was playing with Ruby for a while before I noticed Tobias had fallen asleep on the couch. He looked so peaceful and without worry that I couldn't bear to wake him up as he looked like he desperately needed some rest. "Whilst daddy is sleeping why don't we get you fed, bathed and ready for bed missy" I cooed down at Ruby. I was surprised after I had done all of that he was still asleep, as much as I didn't want to wake him up I knew he wouldn't want to miss out on saying goodnight to Ruby. I slowly approached him and sat on the edge of the couch and took a moment to appreciate him. His hair is a lot longer than I remember as I sweep a stray strand that has fallen across his face to the side and rub his shoulder whilst saying, "Tobiaaass...wakey wakey." I see his eyes flutter open and I greet him with a smile and tell him "I thought you may want to say goodnight to Ruby and help tuck her in?" He simply nods and sluggishly gets up and follows me into her room.

I take a step back and let him take the lead but he looks back at me like a deer in the headlights and I try encouraging him by giving him a firm nod and words of confidence. He nervously approaches her as she is flicking through a picture book and attempts to get her into bed and for his first time I think he is doing exceptionally well as she can be very stubborn. I watch with a smile on my face at the scene which is unfolding before me and despite him continually looking at me for assurance I can't help the way my heart is swelling and the desire which flows through me.

After I gave my own cuddles and kisses goodnight, both Tobias and I make our way back to the living room and make ourselves comfortable on opposite sides of the couch. "You did really well with her tonight you know" I say and he smiles gratefully in return.

We are gazing at one another when he says, "you have done an amazing job Tris, she is...exceptional and it is all down to you. You're an incredible mother." I immediately choke up as a result and manage to stutter out a simple thank you before I am unable to speak and I am then unexpectedly wrapped in his embrace. For the third time today I find myself in his arms and I have to admit it feels right but it is unfortunately bringing my relationship with Uriah to the fore and I need to talk to Tobias about it.

I reluctantly manoeuvre myself out of his hold and turn to face him. He seems confused at first but as my expression becomes more serious he appears to realise that another important conversation is about to unfold. "I'm really glad you're back, but I just I want you to know..I am happy with Uriah and he is good to me and Ruby" I don't sound entirely convincing but I see his Four mask start to conceal his emotions and I don't want to be shut out so I gently place my hand on his cheek and plead to him, "please Tobias don't shut me out, I-"

"How long have you been together?" he interjects rather firmly and it causes me to drop my hand and reply, "almost six months."

His jaw clenches and he ruffles his hair in what I am assuming is frustration, "I just...Uriah? I know he is a great guy and would never hurt you...but why him Tris, why?"

"He is good to me Tobias and he was there for me when I needed it the most" I reply and his eyebrows furrow, "so you're with him because he was just there?" his asks rather accusingly.

I scoff, "no Tobias, I am with him because he makes me happy and I know he will always be there for me and won't just leave me!" We are both starting to get agitated and I am starting to regret initiating the conversation but I suppose this was bound to happen.

"So he made you feel good so you jumped straight into bed with him-" he doesn't get to finish before I have slapped him across the face and started pounding my feet around the living room. I am beyond furious with him for insinuating I merely slept with him to feel better and thus began a relationship simply because it was for comfort. Despite how angry I am I try to keep my voice down so Ruby doesn't wake and I spit back at him "how dare you! You know how hard intimacy is for me...and even though you have no right to know, I haven't even slept with him yet!"

Through my red haze I manage to see his jaw slack and remorse start to take its place across his face.

I put my face in my hands and feel the tears start to fall as yet another day has turned sour. I feel him take a hold of my forearms trying to pull my hands from my face but I just thrash around in an attempt to make him relinquish his grip. It is to no avail as he is much stronger than I am but noticing my resistance he changes his tact and pulls me into his chest despite my protests and mutters over and over "I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry Tris."

I feel as though the apology isn't only for what he just said but for everything that has happened from when he left up until now. I know deep down I want to accept his apology because I don't want to harbour this pain any longer, but I just don't know how to so I tell him through my tears that, "it is going to take time Tobias...I will try to forgive you but it will take time."

Thank you again for all your reviews and kind words it really encourages me to write so I hope you enjoyed this one as well