THE MAN HE USED TO BE

CHAPTER 14

Rachel gently brushed her fingers against her son's cheek, checking his temperature. His fever had finally broken and the antibiotics seemed to bringing the pneumonia under control. His breathing wasn't as labored and the ventilator had been replaced with the nasal cannula. His eyes were closed and, even though his face was still lined with pain, he appeared to be sleeping peacefully. For that, Rachel was grateful.

She was still afraid, so afraid, of losing her eldest son. She had sent him away years ago to protect him, to keep him safe, but there was little she could do to keep him safe now. It was out of her hands. Now it was in the hands of God and the medical profession. Her eyes burned with tears as she thought about what lay ahead. Even if her David survived, he faced months and months of painful recovery.

"Rest, my darling," she whispered. "Mama's here to watch over you." Softly, she began to sing an old familiar lullaby. As she sang, she found herself wondering about her place in her son's life. He wasn't a little boy anymore. He didn't need a mommy. He had a life that had nothing to do with her, one she didn't fit into the way Hutch did.

As she sang, her mind drifted back to the phone call she had received earlier that morning. She had to return to New York. Nicholas was in trouble again and this time it affected her directly. He had forged her name to several checks and drained her check account. She would have to return to New York to straighten it all out.

Unnoticed, Abby stepped into the room. She paused in the doorway, smiling as she listened to Rachel singing to her son. Unwilling to disturb the private moment between the mother and her child, she quietly stepped back into the hallway.

As she turned to walk back towards the nursing station, she saw Hutch walking towards her. She nodded a greeting.

"How's he doing?" Hutch asked. He had came to the hospital straight from the airport without even taking the time to rest.

"Better," Abby said. "The doctor took him off the ventilator this morning. He still has some congestion in his lungs and an infection in one of the surgical incisions. But, he seems to be responding well to treatment."

"Thank God," Hutch said, relieved to finally hear some good news.

"If he remains stable, they may be able to move him out of the ICU at the end of the week. His mother is with him right now."

"Thank you," Hutch said, continuing into his partner's room.

Rachel was still singing softly as he entered the room. She stopped when she noticed him. "Ken, I wasn't expecting you back so soon. How did it go?"

"We got the bastard. They'll be bringing him to L.A. in a few days as soon as all the paperwork is ready." Hutch walked over to his partner's side and leaned down so his mouth was close to Starsky's ear. "Hey, buddy…how ya doing?" he asked, using the soft gentle voice he reserved for Starsky when he was hurt. Starsky's eyes fluttered open at the sound of Hutch's voice and he made a feeble attempt at a smile. "Hey, welcome back…" Hutch said.

Starsky's lips moved, silently mouthing Hutch's name. His throat was too sore and he was still too weak to speak. His eyes drifted shut again. It was too much effort for him to stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time.

"Ken," Rachel said quietly. "As soon as they move David out of the ICU…I need to go back to New York. But I'm going to come back out to stay for a few weeks when he gets out of the hospital."

Hutch gave her a puzzled look, waiting for her to explain. "Is anything wrong?"

"Nicky is in trouble again. He forged my name to some checks and I have to go back to straighten things out with the bank."

Hutch held his tongue. Typical behavior for Nicholas Starsky. Even with his brother lying in a hospital, critically injured, all Nick thought about was himself. "I'm sorry," He told Rachel. "I know you wanted to stay longer."

"Yes, I did but he'll need me more after he goes home than he does now." A sad smile crossed the older woman's face. "Right now, all he needs is you…not his mother. I know you'll take good care of him until I get back."

"I've already had Captain Dobey reassign all of our active cases. The only case I'll still be involved in is the one against Gunther. I'm going to make sure he goes down hard for what he tried to do."

"I'm sure you will." She looked at her sleeping son with deep regret etched on her face. "The doctor said he thinks David is out of immediate danger. When he gets stronger and goes home, then he and I can talk…about what happened when his father died. We've never really talked about it. God, knows I did the best I could…"

"He knows that." Hutch tried to reassure her, to ease some of the doubts she had about the relationship with her eldest son.

"He's grown into a man any mother would be proud of and I didn't have anything to do with that."

"You did what you had to do to protect him. He knows that."

"But I still hurt him by sending him away."

"He doesn't hold that against you."

"I know he doesn't." A bitter tone crept into her voice. "At least I didn't fail him the way I failed Nicholas."

"You didn't fail Nick. Nick made his own choices."

"A mother still blames herself for the way her children turn out." She sighed heavily. "I know what Nicholas has become…and I know if I hadn't sent David away, the same thing would have happened to him."

Hutch looked into her sapphire eyes, eyes that were just as expressive as her son's. He could see the regret and the guilt reflected there. She had made the ultimate sacrifice for her eldest son, an unselfish act of love. Hutch admired her for her courage and her inner strength. Now he knew where Starsky got it from.

"Here I am rambling on…" she said, gathering up the bag with her half finished afghan. "And I'm sure you must be anxious to spend some time alone with David. I think I'll go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat. Then I'll go back to David's for a while and get some rest."

"I'll call right away if there's any change," Hutch promised her.

"I know you will, dear. Why don't you come by later and I'll fix us a nice dinner? You look like you could use a good home cooked meal."

"I'll do that," Hutch said "Around seven?"

Rachel nodded. "I'll see you then."

Hutch settled down in the chair beside the bed as Rachel left the room. Leaning forward, he spoke to his sleeping partner. "I did it, buddy…I got James Gunther. And he's going to pay for what he did to you. I'm going to make sure of that." Pausing, he took a deep breath. "God, Starsk…you don't know how much I wanted to just pull the trigger and blow that smug bastard away. I wanted to splatter his God-damned brains all over his big expensive desk." He sighed and ran his hand over his face wearily. "I'm still not sure what stopped me…it scared me, Gordo. I never wanted to kill somebody so badly before in my life. But when it came right down to it, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill the bastard in cold blood." He reached out and rubbed his thumb against the back of Starsky's right hand. "Now I know how you felt when Prudholm killed Terri…how bad you wanted to pull that trigger and murder the son of a bitch."

A single teardrop found its way down his cheek. "I need you, Starsky…I need for you to be okay. I'll be right here beside you every step of the way and I swear that I'll never let anything like this happen to you again." Hutch choked back a sob and closed his eyes, struggling to control his raging emotions.

He started when he felt Starsky's fingers twitch beneath his hand. Opening his eyes, he noticed that Starsky was awake and looking back at him. Unsure how much of his heartfelt confession the dark haired man had heard or understood, Hutch smiled shakily. "Hey, buddy…you doing all right?"

The silent communication flowed between them as they locked eyes.

"I'm gonna be okay."

"I know you are."

"Are you okay?"

"I will be now."

"Need to sleep now."

"Go ahead. I'll be here when you wake up."

Starsky's eyes closed as Hutch tightened his fingers around Starsky's hand, squeezing gently, silently offering the smaller man some of his own strength.

When Abby came into the room to check Starsky's vital signs, she smiled to see both men sleeping peacefully. Hutch still had Starsky's hand clasped tightly in his own fingers and his head was resting on the edge of the bed. Moving quietly so she wouldn't disturb the two men, she went about her duties and left them alone.