Learning to Laugh
Fears of the Past
c.1059-1060 TA- Lórien
The feast the next day was joyous, but Lalaith sighed halfway through it. Glorfindel raised an eyebrow. "You sigh?"
"I would not call this a feast." Lalaith said. "More like a fancy dinner."
"And what are feasts like in Greenwood?"
"You shall have to see one day." Lalaith said. "After all we agreed you would see the palace someday as well."
"Is this going to be all in one day? Because I fear I will be quite overwhelmed by all of this."
"Knowing my father, yes." Lalaith said.
"Great." Glorfindel muttered and Lalaith smiled as Haldir slipped into a seat beside her.
"You look bored." He commented. Lalaith rolled her eyes.
"Your astute observation is duly noted."
Haldir glared at her and then looked at her untouched goblet. "The wine might make you feel better." He said waving it in front of her face.
"I doubt it." Her nose crinkled at the smell. "Besides, it's not even the best wine."
"You have been around your father too much." Glorfindel muttered on the other side of her. Haldir smirked and set down the goblet.
"You have not even danced once."
"That is not dancing." Lalaith said.
"Now you sound like Beinion." Glorfindel said quietly even as Haldir looked confused between the two. Lalaith's mouth opened to reply but then she narrowed her eyes at him. He quite purposely picked up his goblet and took a sip out of it. Lalaith had been right, the wine was not the best he had ever tasted, but he would not tell her that.
"Who is Beinion?" Haldir asked curiously. He then questioned Lalaith in their own tongue and Lalaith laughed. She shook her head and replied before looking at Glorfindel.
"Perhaps, but you will understand. Why do you think my father always looked bored? We do not take feasting lightly."
Haldir laughed at that. "I remember that. I do not think I have seen anything like that after I came back here."
"Yes, I doubt anywhere else would have the same. I suppose it was too much to hope. I was counting on your kin to have riled up these high-elves a little."
"The lord and lady? Or our king?" Haldir asked amused. "Because if anything I think they have mellowed him out. Amroth used to be more like Thranduil."
"Ah. But do none of you throw your own feasts?"
"No. We have lived under their refined elegance too long. No offence." He added quickly to Glorfindel who looked quite amused.
"None taken." Glorfindel said. "I know the differences between our kin well enough."
Haldir said something else to Lalaith whose lips parted when she heard it. "Haldir!" She scolded while he looked quite delighted.
Glorfindel, for whatever reason, believed what he said had to do with him. "Is that because you hung around her father for so long?" Haldir asked him, looking delighted with himself.
"Mostly," Glorfindel answered.
"Well, we are not all that crazy, but some of us are." Haldir said smiling as he nudged his cousin.
"I believe you are in that category as well." Lalaith muttered and she finally decided to take a sip of wine that she immediately regretted.
"Perhaps." Haldir admitted. Suddenly a red-faced ellon sidled up to the other side of Haldir and smiled dreamily. He murmured something in their tongue and both Haldir and Lalaith looked at him surprised. Haldir looked apologetic. "Er, this is my brother." He told both of them. He said something that sounded a little harsher to his brother who did not register it.
"I do not think he cares about the vintage of the wine." Glorfindel said to Lalaith who glared at him.
"I do not care to lose control of myself liken to that either." Lalaith said and looked at Haldir who was fruitlessly trying to get his brother off of him. "What is his name?"
"Rúmil." Haldir said. "He has barely come of age. He was only allowed to have more than one glass a few years ago." A few minutes later Nemirben appeared on Rúmil's other side. He and Haldir had a quick conversation before Nemirben coaxed Rúmil into his arms and pulled him away. Haldir sighed. "He has not learned when to stop yet."
"I can see that." Lalaith said.
"And, for the record, he's never had any vintage liken to what your father stores."
"You have?" Glorfindel asked.
Lalaith giggled. "We may have snuck some out when he was in Greenwood."
"Your father was right about the two of you causing havoc."
"The two of us?" Haldir asked incredulously. "It was Legolas' idea."
"Legolas?"
Lalaith nodded. "Yes. I would have never done it."
"Never?" Haldir asked.
"Well, maybe eventually I would have. But it was only one glass for each of us."
"What kind of wine was it?" Glorfindel asked.
"Dorwinion." Haldir admitted. "One glass was more than enough. At least for me. You two seemed to have a better time of it."
"Are you kidding? Legolas was passed out on the ground. You at least made it to your room."
"And you?" Glorfindel asked.
"She was the one caught." Haldir said. "With three empty glasses. I was already gone, having somehow stumbled out when I heard the king's voice."
"What did he do?"
"He actually thought I had tricked Legolas into downing all three glasses." Lalaith admitted. "I told him I had only given him one glass. Apparently my only difference is obsessive giggling. Which is why I do not do what your brother just did." She told Haldir who was laughing.
Glorfindel sighed. "Well at least you learned."
"One better than my dear brother." Haldir said rolling his eyes. "My other brother is a little more wise."
"Where is he?" Lalaith asked.
"Orophin?" Haldir glanced around the clearing and his eyes scanned the couples dancing. "They must have left already. He was married a few years ago. He is actually probably the calmest of all of us." Haldir admitted.
"Is that why you remain unmarried?" Lalaith asked.
"No." Haldir said.
"Oh? And so give me an excuse."
Haldir straightened his tunic. "Typically I have been known to stay away from ellith."
"So you run away?"
"No. I just- do not feel it best." Haldir said but his tone betrayed him.
"So you run away." Lalaith said and this time it was not a question. Glorfindel heard Haldir respond coldly in their tongue and he half listened as they began arguing in their tongue. After a few minutes of this, Haldir got up, said one last thing, and disappeared. Lalaith looked quite amused. "Apparently ellith scare him."
"You do not."
"Yes, but he met me before he actually had to be more serious around us." She paused. "And we're cousins." She added and then smiled.
"Did you tell him who Beinion was?" Glorfindel asked.
"Has it been bothering you this whole time?" Lalaith asked. "No, but I told him he was wrong."
"I would not say 'bothering' exactly."
Lalaith rolled her eyes. "You are too used to these games. Now come, I want to get out of here." She said and he followed her as they slipped into the forest. There was song and laughter high up in the trees near the clearing, but as they got away from the heart of Caras Galadhon, silence became more common. They too walked silently although occasionally Lalaith would begin humming.
They found a small stream and Lalaith seemed to brighten at the sight of a deer sipping the water. She started singing, again in her own tongue, and Glorfindel listened curiously. She approached the deer who allowed her to touch her and he saw Lalaith hold something else to the deer's mouth that it took before it sipped the water once more and bounded into the forest. She then sat on the bank of the stream and took off her circlet. Then she began braiding her hair into one long braid although she still sang to herself.
Glorfindel watched for a moment entranced before he sat next to her. "Would you teach me your words?"
"So that you can eavesdrop on Haldir?"
"Well, perhaps that would be amusing, but that is not what I was thinking." She looked at him curiously.
"What were you thinking?"
Glorfindel looked away, unsure if he should broach the topic, but decided he might as well now. "Did you not stay so we could know each other better?" He asked. "Your tongue is important to you, as important to who you are as the fact that you do not see the feast here like the feast in your home. And," he hesitated, "And I want to know the words you sing."
She was watching him intensely now, and he looked away, feeling that his ears were probably burning. He pushed down the urge to check that his hair covered them. "Yes, I did." She finally said. "But why the words I sing?"
Glorfindel looked at her, and she saw the slight blush on his cheeks. He shrugged. "They sound beautiful." He said simply.
"They are simple." Lalaith said quietly but on the inside she felt something else change within her. "But I suppose I have asked much of you."
"Asking me everything I remember of Aman much?" Glorfindel asked, a now teasing tone in his voice.
"Yes, I see your point." Lalaith said sighing. "I will teach you." She said and her eyes met his again. He was not sure what was in them, but something inside of him leapt at the sight. "And since you asked for songs, that is how I will teach you." She ended smiling.
"Hannon le." Glorfindel said, his voice quiet and gentle. Something about it softened Lalaith's hesitation as well.
The winter passed quietly and quickly. There was no snow in Lórien, something Lalaith lamented, but still the weather was cool. Occasionally she would be found running through the woods like an elfling with Haldir, or laughing with Arwen, but most often she spent her time with Glorfindel, and Amroth had laughed when he figured out what was really going on. "Thranduil's child with a prince of Gondolin? Who knew?" He said laughing to himself. But though to everyone else it looked like they would be as Elladan predicted, no engagement was forthcoming, and they were not even formally courting.
But something had changed over the course of the winter. They had spent hours telling each other of what they knew, she teaching him the woodland tongue, and he telling her about distant lands. In the course of such innocent conversation, however, deeper and more personal stories had been told as well.
In fact, she had finally, and a little tearfully, told him herself of Nibenon. He had listened, outwardly calm and understanding though inwardly it stirred something inside of him that felt as angry as he suspected Thranduil had been. Her version of the story held none of the mistrust Thranduil's had, and through hers he saw the side of the story that had been deceived. She told him she was sorry for it now, and that she wished he had never come.
His anger was directed at the young ellon, wondering who could possibly wish to willfully deceive her and lead her on, while never once considering the consequence of misguiding her love and trust. Her story ended with something that Thranduil had not said, and that she told him her father never knew. She looked at him guiltily.
"I never told my father. I thought perhaps he would still show up, and I knew if Ada had known he would have made sure to catch him and chase him away first. Now that I know the truth, I feel horrible about it. I should have realized something was wrong. But it is common in the Greenwood and- well, you once told me I deserved the truth, and now I think you do as well." She bit her lip and her eyes grew full of sorrow and self-guilt.
She herself wondered if Glorfindel would change his mind after this, and perhaps he would be glad no promise existed between them yet. She took a deep breath and could not convince herself to look Glorfindel in the eye. "He knew my father did not trust him. He said he loved me, that he wished to marry me. I told him he would have to talk to my father about that. He sighed. 'You know your father does not like me. He will never allow us to marry.' I told him that was not true, that my father would reconsider and that it might be a little while, but he would eventually give in. He did not look too happy about it. He, he told me if we bonded then and there it would not matter."
Glorfindel found it harder to stay calm.
"I might have been deceived, but I knew I could not do it. I told him that I couldn't, that I loved my father too much. After that he told me to think about it, that if we married there was nothing my father could say, it would be done. Part of me believed him, but before he could convince me the Spiders came… Lately I have been thanking the Spiders more than cursing them. I cannot say if it were otherwise I might not have been convinced. I am sorry, I did not know-." She broke off and sighed. "Anyway, you know what happened." She paused again and then her voice sounded weaker. "Do you hate me now?"
Glorfindel's eyes snapped to hers at that. "Valar, no." He said and moved closer to her. He took her hand and she felt that his spirit held anger.
"You are angry." She said, shrinking slightly from him.
"Not at you, Lalaith, never at you." Glorfindel swallowed and then spoke again. "At him, yes. It is a good thing he has disappeared now."
Lalaith's fearful eyes turned to his. "You do not hate me for believing him?"
"How could I? You were innocent, and had no reason to believe otherwise." He felt like cursing but he knew that would only scare her farther. He fought to choke back his anger before he spoke again. "I- Have you heard of Turgon's sister?"
"Aredhel? Yes."
"Eöl's name has been a curse since then." Glorfindel said quietly. "He drew her in using trickery and deception the same way this ellon did to you. Is it any wonder I am angry? Turgon could have torn Morgoth apart in that moment. Once he figured out what had happened, well, it was quite similar to your situation. I am only relieved you were spared her fate, and that your father was there to protect you."
Lalaith sniffed once. "But I-."
"Believed him, yes. Just the way Aredhel believed him. Do not blame yourself." He said quietly and hesitantly wrapped his arm around her waist. To his surprise, she curled her legs up and leaned her head on his shoulder.
"You still love me?"
"I could not stop, whatever else may happen." Glorfindel said kissing her forehead. She shivered once and he pulled his cloak around her. She had fallen asleep on him that evening.
On the other side, he had told her everything he remembered of himself, making sure she knew what she would get into if she did reciprocate her feelings. Like he had been indignant that she thought he would hate her for Nibenon's crime, she thought his fear of his past was stupid, though she still did not admit she loved him yet. He did not care, he was patient, and after what she had admitted to him he did not wish to push her. Though when she dryly told him that, "Fear of your past? Everyone has nightmares in their past, excepting elflings. If you were too scared of your past to marry you should have stayed with Mandos," he had felt surprised at her bluntness and he vaguely remembered Thranduil telling him Alassiel had once said the same to him.
"I do not want to hurt anyone." Glorfindel had explained quietly.
"I think we have already discovered that we have both hurt each other already. You are asking for something only achieved by a superficial marriage, one that could only be done by mortals who do not bond quite as strongly as we." Her words had rang with truth that he had never thought about.
"How would you know?"
"My mother spoke to me once, telling me this. It was a few months after he disappeared and she told me what I had learned on a harder path."
Glorfindel sighed. "I suppose she was right."
Lalaith rolled her eyes. "If you are allowed to not blame me for what happened, I am allowed to not fear your past."
He could not contradict her there.
Glorfindel found that year that the break of spring brought Lalaith alive like little else might. He watched amused as she skipped through the woods, utterly content with singing softly to herself and dancing to music that only she heard. He followed her, slower in pace and watching her more than paying attention to the season. He had seen beautiful springs and sorrowful ones, and he had been in many different countries where spring held more beauty than most poets could describe.
This was different, however, and he had no inclination to watch the leaves change colors when such a beautiful flower blossomed before his eyes. Lalaith was at peace with the world around her, far more than he had seen but so short a time ago. "What is it?" She asked him.
He broke out of his reverie to blink at her. "What?"
"You look deep in thought about something." She said, narrowing her eyes at him.
He blushed slightly. "I noticed that you are far more content and joyous now than you were last year."
She cocked her head and then smiled. "I have enjoyed being in Lórien. This time of peace has settled my mind and soul, at least in regard to the attack." She said and then glanced at him more closely. "And then there's you of course."
"Me?"
"You have been patient with me." She said and he could see the sincerity in her eyes. "It has done wonders for me."
"I am glad to help." He said taking her hand and kissing it gently. They turned slightly away from each other and began to stroll through the woods once more. She was singing a song under her breath, and he realized he did not recognize it. "The song," he started, "You are singing it in Sindar, but I do not recognize it. Is it from Doriath? Or did you translate it?"
Lalaith suddenly tensed in his arm and he frowned and glanced at her. "What's wrong?" Her mouth opened but she said nothing at first. She finally glanced at him but there was a slight trace of fear in her eyes.
"Oh, nothing, sorry I was caught off guard." She finished the sentence hurriedly as if out of breath.
"Are you sure?"
"Oh yes." She paused and cocked her head. "Do you know any songs?"
"Me?" He asked but inwardly questioned the quick change of topic. Something did not seem right with it, but he decided it might be best to let it go.
"Yes you."
"That you do not?" He asked and she nodded. "Perhaps, most of them are in Quenya."
She shrugged. "Go ahead, sing. I will listen. One of these days you'll have to teach me."
"Quenya?"
"Of course."
"Why is that?"
"Because I want to read all the books in Elrond's library currently unaccessible."
Glorfindel laughed. "Very well, but perhaps you should speak to your father first. It was his king that banned Quenya."
Lalaith snorted. "Yes, but he knows it himself. He learned it before Thingol banned it."
"Why did he not teach you?"
"Because I did not think to ask. Besides I never paid much attention to my studies."
"That I believe."
"What makes you say that?"
"If you are truly like your father I do not see you sitting still long enough to learn a lesson."
"I see your point." Lalaith said thinking about it. "Ah well, I have matured slightly since then. I can now learn things I truly wish too."
"Good. Else we will never get through a single lesson."
"You have already taught me much, and I have taught you the basics of my own language! That should prove something."
"It proves that you are curious." He conceded.
"Very." She said. "Now sing something!"
"And stubborn." He added. She playfully hit him.
"Sing!"
"Oh very well, give me a moment." He said sighing. "Just do not think of me too badly after I slaughter the melody."
"You won't."
"I beg to differ."
A/N: Aredhel- Turgon was the king of Gondolin in the First Age and also one of Elrond's Ancestors. Gondolin was a hidden city and no one was allowed in or out but Aredhel convinced him that she could leave because she was restless and all that. She left and Eol loved her (ish) and Tolkien changed the account at least once but the final version was that Eol used his dark magic to trick her into loving him and they had a kid but eventually Aredhel wanted to return home and she snuck away but he followed her and they all ended up in Gondolin and he hated being trapped and decided he would kill himself and their son to get away but Aredhel stepped in front of the spear and died. Turgon became furious and he and a few guards/warriors seized Eol and threw him over one of the walls. Anyway... Nibenon was not quite as bad but it worked as a parallel with Glorfindel's past at least. :D