Sam woke with a gasping breath to the bright lights streaming through the window and for a moment panicked. But then she saw the pictures on the mantel, her fireplace, her living room… her house. Her house. She had fallen asleep on the couch... again. A little, or maybe, no definitely more than a little too much wine. She was pretty sure they were only nightmares haunting her this morning. No way to be certain. The fire had died out and it was now even colder in the house. A typical January in Colorado, she assured herself.
The remnants of her dreams still the force pounding her heart in her chest, but she pushed herself up the stairs. She looked at the undisturbed bed. A reminder that no one wanted to be there. She turned on the shower and filled the cup on the bathroom counter, so she could overcome a bit of the cotton mouth and dehydration headache. In the shower, she ran her hand over where a scar used to mark her abdomen. If someone had asked her if she wanted to erase the reminder, she thinks she might have agreed, but that no one asked and that the marks were disappearing without her consent, felt like a violation of not just her body, but mind and soul and her chance to process her grief and let go. "Welcome to day 106, Sam." She noted of the days since she had lost the baby, then mentally forced herself passed it and washed away her disappointment and inadequacies, for now. Caffeine, soon… very soon… was a necessity.
It was not long before she was standing in line at her favorite coffee shop.
"Your coffee lines remind me of old Russian bread lines." She heard barely above a whisper from behind her.
She rolled her eyes, okay that was painful. 'Don't do that again,' she chastised herself. She did not want to be social, just get her coffee and get out, but his voice compelled her to turn around. A deep, Russian voice and something even more familiar than that. Maybe?
"Eastern Russia?" She asked, curiously looking over her sunglasses and squinting a little. Rethinking that decision, she pushed the glasses back up for protection.
"Da, Yakutsk. You speak Russian?"
She could see him analyzing her face, trying to perhaps determine her reason for the sunglasses here inside the coffee shop or the overreaction of the squinting, "No, not well anyway. I just spent a few months in grad school at the Institute of Cosmophysical Research in Yakutsk. I met a boy studying Russian and Eastern European dialects, he taught me a few things."
"So, you know my birthplace?"
She paused and recalled, Yakutsk was the coldest inhabited place on earth, though her memories were of green summer months. It was the most beautiful view of the Milky Way from earth, but it could be cold and nearly uninhabitable located in the harsh environments of Siberia. The memories almost a brochure of a place she once thought about visiting, "It was a very... very long time ago, but from what I remember, it was lovely."
"Da, you must have come in the few more moderate months? No one thinks fondly of a Yakutsk Winter."
"I remember a lot of anxiety to get us out ahead of the early onset of winter, hard to forget that kind of panic. I think I almost got to spend Winter there too. I did a little skiing when we first got there, explored the region with new friends, met a boy, oh and I got to experience a lovely swarm of mosquitoes before we left." She smiled.
"Ahhh, the tourist months." He looked nostalgic, holding his hand to his heart.
"And, hikes along the Lena River."
"With that boy?" he pried.
"Sometimes." She laughed and took herself by surprise.
"You have a beautiful laugh."
"Thank you." She smiled self consciously and tried to remember the boy's name, but it was not coming to her. "Fascinating area. Aside from my cosmology studies, my friends were studying the Lena River, permafrost and cryogenics." The memories were all so vivid.
"Perhaps our paths crossed."
"Perhaps." She noted and smiled again, he was likely close to her age, but she was never good at those things.
"So, cosmologist?"
"Astrophysicist. Dr. Carter." She gave him a small smile and stretched out her hand to introduce herself.
"Ahhh. Beautiful and Smart. Did you ever see the night sky in Yakutsk?"
This time she held her hand to her heart, "I lost many nights of sleep in Yakutsk. We camped along the river and watched the Galaxy pass by, and even splurged and took a night cruise once. When I close my eyes, I can still see the Milky Way crossing over the river." She closed her eyes and blushed, she could not remember the last time a man made her blush. Must have been the heat of still wearing her jacket and scarf inside. She removed the scarf. "What brings you to Colorado Springs? Or do you live here now?" She moved ahead as the line moved forward.
"Oh, I am Psychiatrist specializing in combat stress. We have some visiting soldiers here in Colorado Springs, with one of your American programs. I was sent to evaluate their mental state. I am Dr. Ruslanovich."
"Nice to meet you, Doctor."
"Please, call me Nikolay."
"Then you should call me, Sam." She smiled more fully and finally removed her sunglasses and her leather jacket. The aspirin seemed to be kicking in and she was now feeling very warm.
He bought her coffee and bagel, despite her protest. He explained that it had been years, since he had been home, and he relished the opportunity to talk to someone who shared his appreciation for his homeland. They sat down and talked more about Yakutsk, the Russian Academy of Sciences and the Lena River. She recollected the beautiful architecture there and experiences with the warm, friendly people. Such a stark contrast to the harsh, cold weather they endured. She felt such a warm fondness for them.
She was enjoying the conversation and his attention. She felt alive for the first time in too long or maybe just in 106 days. He had intrigued her, and she felt flushed.
He was a really good-looking man. He reminded her of someone, but she couldn't place it. He was well dressed, in a well fitted, dark suit. His hair was almost as dark as his suit. His face bore a few lines and his mysterious, dark eyes revealed just enough to intrigue her. His clothes and looks, almost had a monochrome look, but he bore it quite well. He had a strong jaw and shoulders and was several inches taller than her even with her in heels. His strength spread though his broad shoulders, it was both imposing and comforting. The term sexy even crossed her mind as he spoke, but she tried to not think of him that way. She was after all married.
Jack! She looked at her watch, "Oh no! I am so sorry, I really need to get to work." She stood rapidly, gathered her things, and pulled her jacket and scarf back on in a hurry before he could stand to help her.
He reached for her hand and kissed it. His hands were reassuring and his lips were warm and barely grazed her hand. "It was my pleasure. Thank you for walking on memory lane with me. This has been a most unexpected and wonderful treat this morning."
She felt a blush rise to her cheeks again. She pulled her scarf tighter and smiled, "Thank you for the coffee and the reminiscing. It was really nice to meet you." She pulled herself away from the moment and rushed out. She felt unsettled as she walked from the coffee shop. Part of her felt pulled to stay and talk more; part of her was concerned how much she wanted to stay. Grateful for the cold air against her flushed skin, she loosened the scarf outside and took it back off hoping it would cool her skin. She was a married woman and not only had she been flirted with, she had not discouraged it. It was not that she was unhappily married… or maybe it was. It didn't feel like she was married at all. She took a deep breath as she put her car in gear. That's not even the point Sam, she censured herself.
As she drove to work, she tried to remember if she had ever told Jack about her travels and experiences before she joined the SGC, mostly in her cosmology studies, but she used to travel and take in the world she spent so much time saving now. She laughed at herself, imagine your frequent flyer miles now. Still she was not happy with the direction her thoughts were taking. Part of her was starting to feel resentful at how long he was taking, but she also knew she had not made any attempts with him lately either. Perhaps they had both given up, she thought sadly and not for the first time.
She reached her parking space at the mountain, still holding the steering wheel tightly with two hands she lunged herself forward, dropping her head to rest on it. You can do this, Sam. She sighed. You are over-reacting, again. She pushed herself back in the seat, drummed her fingers on the steering wheel in succession. Felt her breathing even out. She could feel his bare feet against hers in the hammock, sun on her skin... Her pride battled with her desire to change the direction they were heading. She pulled out her phone and gazed at it, then started to put it away, but her wedding ring in the car tray caught her eye and her fingers started texting before she allowed herself to put anymore thought into it: 'Thinking of you.' She sent the simple message and picked up the wedding band and put it on. It was an effort and maybe it would make the video call with HomeWorld Command a bit more pleasant this morning if he caught sight of it. Is that what you want? She slid the phone back into her purse and left the safety of her warm car for the dead of Winter on the Colorado mountain.
Standing in the conference room, more than 15 minutes had passed after their scheduled start time, as they waited for a meeting with General Landry. He was in his office on the phone. The video call with HomeWorld Command had been postponed to this afternoon, and Landry had been on the phone since they had arrived for the scheduled debriefing. Daniel and Colonel Mitchell sat at the table, looking through the files and fidgeting impatiently, respectively. Sam was standing at the window looking down on the Gateroom. Siler was checking the power breakers on the wall. But she was much farther away than even the Gateroom. She was laying on a sleeping bag along the Lena River, looking up, at the vivid display of stars. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in and tried to identify constellations, feel the cool night breeze on her skin, smell the trees and flowers indigenous to the area, hear the sound of the water lapping at the shore, and feel that boy's hand intertwined with hers… what was his name?
"So, you're really gonna join us on this one?" Mitchell was suddenly standing next to her, interrupting her thoughts.
She looked over at him oddly, the words eventually penetrated her reverie. "Yes. Why?" There it was. She had forgotten and now the nagging question was back but coming out of his mouth instead of just in her head.
"Well, it's just that... you know, you haven't been out in the field since-."
"Since, I resigned from SG-1, Cam?"
"Exactly."
"I'm fine, thanks for asking." She answered defensively and looked over to Daniel self-consciously. Their eyes met briefly, he raised a brow admonishing her sharp response, but he refocused on the file in front of him. The emotional distance he was putting between them was almost as painful as the distance between her and Jack and just as insurmountable.
"Just thought maybe you were getting a little comfortable there with the desk time, serving as Landry's Second in Command and your little research projects, Colonel." His hands danced in front of her.
"Little research projects? I saved your team's ass last week."
He nodded his head and grimaced. "Noted."
"I've been through the gate numerous times to the training site, Gamma site, even to inspect a few scientific discoveries." She defended and smiled in appreciation for his not forcing the subject any deeper. As the team leader he had to ask, she respected that, and truth be known she wasn't exactly sure if she was ready for an actual mission, but she needed to find out and it was an easy mission... easy mission, echoed in her head and she bit her lip. Her heart raced, "I'd really like to see this thing."
"Yeah, he said you wouldn't be able to resist."
She rolled her eyes, wondering if he was talking about Jack or Daniel. But she was not going to take the bait. She felt defensive and uneasy enough.
"We missed you at team night, last night." He continued, nudging her shoulder.
She looked over at Daniel again, but he didn't meet her eyes this time. Team night was not only about SG-1 anymore, Cam liked to invite other teams and it had been good for relations at the SGC, but she was not ready for that just yet, "Yeah, sorry about that, I uhh..." - 'had to drink a bottle or two of wine by myself until I passed out.' She finished in her head.
"Colonels... Dr. Jackson…. Vala? Vala!?"
"Oh here, General." Vala peered around the corner from the Sergeant's office across the room.
"Sorry to keep you all waiting, I read the report and I think we can dispense with the usual briefing, you have a go." He waved them on and started back out of the room.
Sam, Daniel, Vala and Mitchell looked at one another shocked. It was a rare occurrence to not run through a mission with the General.
"Seriously?" Daniel replied.
"Really?" Mitchell asked, surprised. "Sir." He finished, but Landry just ignored him.
"Do you not have the confidence that you have addressed all of the angles?" He asked with his back still to the room.
"No, Sir. I mean, yes, Sir. We're ready."
He turned back, "Carter already gave me the summary report and green light, so let's not waste any more time. The Gate is yours at 08:00 tomorrow."
"Yes Sir." Mitchell turned to the others. "So, lunch?"
"Sure." Daniel answered.
"Oh, me too." Vala responded, raising her hand and joined them again.
Sam was about to go, hoping she could make some progress with Daniel, when Landry called her back.
"Colonel Carter, a moment?"
"Right." She nodded, waved to them and followed Landry into his office.
"It's official, we will have 2 new teams," he informed her.
"That's great!"
He held up his hand, "Both new international teams. Another Chinese team and the other will be a multi-national contingent that will rotate." He informed her, putting on his glasses and pulling up his notes.
"So, we'll have to include them all in the May training schedule?"
"March."
"But that's already-"
"I know, we have our orders." He sighed. "We need to process 8 new recruits to be ready to leave to the Training site with the March group and 8 more in the May group. The Russians were not happy when the Chinese got the green light for a second team. So, another Russian team is coming soon with the rest of the members of the multinational contingent in May."
"Yes, Sir. Dixon is overseeing the March Training, and Reynolds in May; I'll brief them. Do you want to scale back our teams?"
"No, it was fully funded by the IOA. So, we will just need to add more training personnel to the rotation. These are very seasoned training groups, they should be able to handle it." He smiled tightly. "Not regretting your decision to leave SG-1 are you?"
"No sir, this is what I want. It will be nice to get off-world tomorrow, but I am enjoying my new roles and responsibilities."
He stood and walked around the desk, "Well then, you should know it's official."
"Sir?"
"My retirement date; 8 months, well September 1st."
"I'm sorry to hear that, Sir."
He nodded his head, "Don't be. I feel confident I am leaving the SGC in better hands. Your return to the SGC and focus on leadership has made it easy for the IOA to select the next SGC leader. They really like the idea of having someone with a focus on research and development in charge. Your extensive experience with the program, notwithstanding, you are certainly the most qualified. Congratulations, Colonel. It will come with the requisite promotion and parking space."
She smiled fully. "Thank you, Sir."
As she walked to the commissary to catch up with SG-1. Sam contemplated the change in the air. Landry had been treating her as if this was all official for months now. If he did not make sure she was in the room with him on 'phone calls' and meetings, he often debriefed her after and included her in much of the planning and follow through. And, she had been attending more leadership training as well. She remembered Jack spending more time with Hammond in the years before he was promoted. She was both thrilled and concerned. This was what she wanted. Of course, it was, wasn't it?
Nearing the commissary, she heard a newly familiar voice out of context, "Sam?... I mean, Dr. -, I did not-"
"Dr. Ruslanovich," she greeted him, surprised. Dr. Lam had been introducing him to Daniel, Vala and Cam. "You're here to evaluate the mental state of your Russian teams here at the SGC." She easily put together from their earlier conversation.
"How do you know, Colonel Carter?" Daniel asked the Dr.
"Colonel. Carter?" He responded to the different title as he took her hand and covered it with both of his strong hands. The others all taking note of the unusually intimate gesture and how close they stood.
"Yes, but you can still call me Sam."
"You are full of surprises. Sam, very nice to see you again. I enjoyed our coffee this morning. Since then my mind has been unable to wonder far from the shores of the Lena River." He leaned in a bit more and lowered his voice with his confession.
She blushed at their shared distraction. "Mine too."
Daniel raised his eyebrows at their encounter and looked to Vala. "Lena River…. this... morning?"
Vala's eyebrows arched even higher as she shrugged.
As Sam made her way to her office after lunch, she wondered about this new player, Nickolay Rushlanovich. How did he fit into Izmaylov's plans? What was his role? How had he disarmed her so easily, and how had he gained clearance into the most secret and secure facility on the planet? Was he a distraction from the real plan or was there something more destructive yet to come from this player?
The place of her nightmares flashed before her eyes: gray walls, the smell of blood and the pain. Through the open door she could see him. Nickolay was there when they tortured her. Her phone vibrated and she tensed, but it was not another threat from 'them'. It was a text from Jack inviting her to come for the weekend starting Friday. She tried to breathe through the spike of adrenaline now coursing through her veins and she looked up at the camera and then at the SF's making their way through the hall. But an anxiety of a different form has now surfaced; she will see Jack for the first time since Christmas when he had asked for space to deal with his grief. She took a deep breath and forced herself past over-thinking and simply responded, "I look forward to it."