Chapter 14 – Moving Forward

Being in a hospital was strange. I never really had a fear of hospitals per se, but seeing all the buzzing machines and technology that went far beyond my intellect was definitely daunting. Who was I kidding? I was absolutely terrified.

In addition to my fears, the artificial lights above were giving me a migraine. How did people think straight under such conditions? Shouldn't a birth be in a more tranquil setting? – I could only imagine how traumatic it would be for a baby to go from a place that was warm and dark to such a cold and blindingly bright room like that.

At seven centimeters dilated, the pain became too much and an anesthesiologist was called in, which only scared me even more.

"Mom, I don't know if I can handle this," I said in a panic.

"Bella, you have to. Just take deep breaths; you'll be fine," Renee said soothingly.

But I didn't feel like I was going to be fine. I felt like I was going to pass out, especially after the doctor came in to administer the pain medication. One look at the needle and I felt like I was going to vomit.

"Bella, breathe," Renee said sharply.

"I'm ok," I tried convincing myself, but the moment the needle poked the skin, everything went black.

….

"Bella," I heard a voice say gently. "Bella, wake up."

"I can't watch it," I whined, refusing to open my eyes.

"What are you talking about?" I forced my eyes open, and was absolutely relieved to see Edward smirking back at me. "Bad dream?" he asked.

I looked around, still slightly dazed, before finally shaking my head clear. I was still inside our island cottage, nowhere near any hospitals.

"No, it wasn't a dream…Well it was, but not really; I was remembering something." I sat up and rubbed my belly while recalling the vivid memory. "My mom thought it would be a good experience if I witnessed my cousin giving birth. I think she wanted to scare me into never wanting to do it," I said with a chuckle.

"But?" he asked, knowing there was definitely a but.

"But I only made it to her seventh centimeter because once the anesthesiologist pushed the needle into her spine I fainted and missed the actual birth."

Edward stared at me in shock, and then broke down and started laughing. "Well, you don't have to worry about needles here," he said between his hysterics.

"Good thing," I said seriously.

But then he became serious as well. "Bella, you do realize that the pain of giving birth is going to be a lot worse than being poked by a needle."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Having a fear of needles is a normal thing. Even my cousin said that was the worst part."

"She was probably joking."

"No, I don't think so, she seemed serious."

"And she gave birth while full of pain meds," he pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. "A lot of people pick to have a natural childbirth. I've broken my arm, leg, several fingers, and I've been able to handle the pain of each."

Once again, he looked at me in shock. "Why the hell have you had so many broken bones?"

I shrugged sheepishly. "I went through an awkward phase where I was a little clumsy. It went on from when I was nine to around twelve."

"Being a little clumsy is accidently running into walls, not breaking bones," he argued.

"I wasn't use to the icy conditions of Forks. I lived in Arizona before that, so I never had to deal with it. I'd just run outside and slip on some ice and then…I guess I was more than just a little clumsy," I admitted. "Once I got into dance and cheerleading, I was able to keep better control of myself."

"But you still fell off that boat," he teased.

"Best fall I ever had," I said with a wink.

He shook his head. "You really are something else, do you know that?"

"Unfortunately, I do."

…

As my stomach grew, so did my desire to be more….domestic. I was constantly working on my weaving, and I'd spend every free minute I had trying to make the inside of the cottage absolutely perfect. I even made a bassinette which we hung from the ceiling so it could rock the baby after it was born. Edward had tested it out by putting rocks in it just to be sure it was safe, but we had other problems that we'd need to figure out as well.

"What are we going to do about clothes?"

"Huh?" Edward asked confused. "We have clothes."

"Yeah, but what are we going to put the baby in? I mean, sure he can be naked when he's little, but, you know, when he starts getting bigger he's going to want something to cover himself."

"Oh…yeah, I guess I didn't think about the baby getting older. Yeah, we're going to need something; maybe I should go looking for my shirt and we can try to make something out of that."

"Well, our clothes are eventually going to wear out and rip as well. Maybe we should try to make stuff…Sort of like this blanket," I said while holding up my weaving.

"Seems like it may chafe," he said while scrunching his face.

"I think the more I work it in, the softer it'll get. We'll just have to make it work."

"You're the fashion designer."

I laughed once. "You know, I used to think that may be something I wanted to do…be a designer." I shook my head. "I was such a moron."

"Why do you say that? There's nothing wrong with being a fashion designer," he said encouragingly.

"No, it was stupid. I used to think all that crap was so important, but it's all meaningless now."

"Now…here…But it would have been a good profession if we were back home. They make a decent salary."

"Maybe...I just think I'm over all that stuff. In fact, the very thought of it all is irritating."

"Can't really argue with you there."

….

By the time my bulge became a full, rounded belly, I had become a weaving pro and our little home was full of my various blankets and such. They weren't warm blankets or anything, but the smaller I made the dried palm strips and the tighter I was able to weave them together, the more water resistant they became.

"What do you think?" I asked Edward with a proud grin.

He smiled widely. "Is that a diaper?"

I nodded. "I'm making a bunch of them. They're not going to be completely leak proof, but I figured they'd give us enough time to clean the baby up without getting it all over us."

"That's awesome….and they even have little ties on the side," he said while examining it.

"Yeah, I made them from vine fibers; I figured they'd make it easier for quick removal. Plus we have no way of knowing the exact size the baby will be so the ties should make it work for all different sizes."

"See, you're way smarter than I am…I could never think of something like that."

I laughed. "No, I'm sure you'd just have the baby running around naked and peeing and pooping all over the place. We'd constantly be covered in feces."

"You're probably right. But this is great 'cause it solves the clothes issue as well; you'll just have to make bigger diapers as the kid grows."

"Diapers?" I challenged him. "Kids don't wear diapers."

"Diapers, clothes, same difference. It's going to cover their no nos, so it's the same thing."

"No nos?" I said with another laugh.

"You know what I mean," he said with a huff.

"No nos, that's cute. Is that what your mom used to call privates?"

"Yeah," he admitted.

"Let me guess, you were always playing with it so your mom would say 'no, no'."

"Whatever, laugh it up. You're a girl so you don't know what it's like. If you had a penis you wouldn't think it was so funny."

"But I do have a penis," I said suggestively before reaching over to grab his crotch over his shorts.

"Hey," he said while blocking my hand. "You can't just take away my manhood and claim my parts as your own."

"But they are my own. As your wife I own you and your parts," I said with mock seriousness.

"You're right," he said after a moment. "I'm at your mercy."

I smiled widely, and then crawled over him, forcing him to lie on his back by doing so. I leaned down and kissed him playfully, but then…..

"Oh my god, feel this," I said excitedly and grabbed his hand to place it on my suddenly animated stomach.

"Whoa, was that?" he asked, at a loss for words.

"Our baby's moving…Do you feel it?"

He nodded, seemingly unable to speak at the moment.

It was a heavily emotional few minutes for both of us, and we just sat together in an out of body daze from the gravity of it. It wasn't that feeling the baby made it more real, but it was definitely just one step closer to becoming parents.

After a night of giggling from every little movement, Edward left early in the morning but was back before I even got out of bed…and he had a surprise for me.

"Ugh. I'm not sure I want what you have," I semi-whined. None of his gifts ever turned out badly, but I still had that moment of dread every time he brought me something new. And since being pregnant, I wasn't sure I could stomach whatever he wanted me to eat.

Except, that morning, he didn't have a new food item…

"Is that a…?"

"I've been working on this for a while now. I had to soak the twine in ocean water, and then dry it for a few days before it would be hard enough to hold its shape," he explained.

"Edward…it's a r-ring," I stuttered.

"Yeah, I figured, you know, we're having a baby and we're basically married anyway…I mean, I know it's sort of a joke, but I thought…"

"I love it," I interrupted his rambling.

His island-made ring was made of dry hardened twine, which had been wrapped intricately around a pearl. He obviously spent a lot of time on it, making it just right so the pearl was secure, and it was honestly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

"It fits," I said while wiping a tear off my cheek as he placed it on my finger.

"Yeah, I measured you while you were sleeping one night. Of course, I had to factor in that drying the twine would make it smaller so I had to make those adjustments." – God, I loved it when he got all brainy.

"Thank you," I said emotionally. "Not just for this, which is beautiful, but I've never really thanked you for everything you've done for me. You saved my life…more than once, and you forgave me for being such a bitch when you had no reason to. I'm really afraid of what I would have become without you."

"You would have been absolutely fine," he said while wrapping his arms around me tenderly. "You have always had a good heart, and you would have realized it with or without me."

"No, see you're wrong….My heart only became good because of you."

"When will you ever see yourself clearly?" he said with his crooked smile that I loved so much. He leaned in and kissed me sweetly, before rubbing my belly and humming loud enough for the baby to hear through my skin.

"Mmm, I love when you hum," I murmured.

"Really?" he asked surprised.

"Yeah, you're really good at it. It really calms me too."

"Well, that's good to know – I'll make sure to hum for you when you're huffing through labor pains," he said with a laugh.

"Good, I hope you do," I said sincerely. I was planning to come up with a snarky comeback, but I honestly did love when he hummed and I really thought it may help during that time.

"Then I will," he said softly, catching on to my serious mood. He was looking so intensely into my eyes that I nearly forgot to breathe, and then suddenly I was ravenous.

"I think we need to have sex now," I said seriously.

"Yeah, definitely," he agreed in a husky voice.

Our sex life hadn't faltered since my pregnancy, but my larger stomach did make it a little more difficult so we had to become creative with our positioning.

I climbed onto his lap, and desperately planted my lips to his. We couldn't get our shorts off fast enough, and he was obviously just as ready as I was. He grabbed my bare hips with his hands, and guided me over him before pulling me down on his length.

There was no greater feeling in the world than when he filled me completely in those first few moments each time we made love. It was even better than the orgasm itself, and perhaps had nothing to do with the physicality of sex. It was about fully connecting and the feeling of being complete; as if without him I was missing a limb or a vital organ. It was almost like I stopped breathing every time we were apart, and the moment he was inside me again it was a sharp intake of precious air into my lungs. Having him inside me was a drink in the desert, an umbrella in the rain, or even a pillow to lie on after a tiring day. It was a relief in an odd way, and I wondered if that feeling would ever go away – I hoped it didn't.

After another moment passed, Edward used his grip on my hips to lift me up, and then pull me right back down onto him. I began moving, taking the work onto myself but he could never yield the control completely, which was perfectly fine by me - sex was always the best when we were both able to contribute to the cadence of our motions. But to intensify the feeling even further, he brought his hands inward and began rubbing achingly glorious little circles on my sensitivity with his thumbs.

"Oh Edward," I moaned, though I wasn't sure if the words were intelligible. I could feel it building, the tightening in my stomach that spread through my entire body.

"Bella," he huffed gruffly, and I knew exactly what he wanted; what he needed. So I forced myself off of him, and then rolled over onto my side so he could finish by pounding into me from behind. It was something I had almost come to expect since my stomach had gotten in the way of our simpler positions. He didn't always ask me to roll over in that way, but sometimes he just couldn't stay pinned underneath me – the feeling was so intense that he needed to thrust through it.

After our position change, it wasn't long before I couldn't hold on anymore and I erupted into a fit of sizzling warmth that completely devoured me. His grip tightened on my hips as he stiffened with a grunt, and then we both relaxed in a languid pool of afterglow bliss before he finally pulled out of me.

And like always after we had sex, he asked "Are you ok?"

I smiled widely. "Oh yeah."

It was such a silly question because how could I not be ok after something like that, but at the same time, I loved hearing it because it was just one more way that he showed how much he cared about me.

He kissed my hair and wrapped his arms around me securely, and we just laid there and spooned for hours. Having nothing to do really had its perks, especially in amazingly lazy times like that.

…

As the months rolled on, our bond and closeness only grew. In fact, we became so close that I honestly couldn't remember what my life was like before him. Was I even alive before coming to the island? I found it hard to believe. I must have been a hallow shell before Edward filled me both physically and emotionally, and I was so grateful for my sudden bout of clumsiness that made me fall off that boat that day. Everything before that moment was a blur, and everything after was the path I needed to take to truly come alive. In a way, I felt like a new born – looking at the world like a new place, just as my baby soon would be. We'd grow up together; the three of us would make our world exactly the way it should be.

"How much longer, do you think?" I asked one evening as we laid in our bed and felt the baby move from inside me.

"I'm not sure. It just keeps getting bigger," he said with a chuckle. "Are you getting tired of it?"

"No, I love having him inside of me, but I am getting a bit…uncomfortable."

He took a deep breath. Edward always seemed to take a deep breath anytime I mentioned the baby being born, and I knew it was because he was still so nervous. But he was staying strong because he knew that was what I needed him to be. He was my strength, and he needed to stay in control for all three of our sakes.

"You know what?" I said, thinking of something. "We haven't picked out a name yet."

"We don't technically need a name for him. I mean, it's not like he's going to school or living in a society where a name is important. We could just call him Baby, and when he gets older we'll call him Kid. 'Hey honey, where's the kid?'- I think that would work."

I stared at him incredulously.

"Babe, I'm kidding," he said with a laugh.

"Har har," I said, trying to keep my glare but smirking despite myself. "Seriously though, we need to think of a name. We have no idea how much longer until it's born and this is the only thing left we haven't done."

"Ok, so what name do you like?"

"I don't know…Do you have any ideas?"

He shrugged. "How about Alistair? That's cool."

I scrunched my face. "I don't like that."

"Ok, you pick something."

"How about…Garrett?" I suggested.

"Garrett? No way, how could he ever show his face around the island with a name like that? All the birds will make fun of him. 'Garrett the carrot' and stuff like that."

I shook my head at him. "Fine, it's your turn to suggest something."

"Um…how about Benjamin, like you know, after Benjamin Franklin."

I thought about it for a moment. "I actually kind of like Benjamin. We could call him Benny."

"Op, that one's out!" he said quickly.

"Why, you don't like Benny?"

"No way, it sounds like something you would name a pet."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh Edward," I said with a sigh. And then – "That's it! Edward."

"What?" he said confused.

"Edward Jr. and we can call him EJ. AWW, that's so perfect!" - And like a sign, the baby kicked right at that moment. "See? You like that name, don't you EJ?" I asked my stomach while rubbing it.

Edward didn't look too thrilled about naming the baby after him, but by that point I had already fallen in love with the idea so he accepted because he knew just how much I wanted it. He really was the sweetest person in the world.

"Well, we need a girl name too," he said, trying to get off the 'EJ' topic.

I was convinced we were having a boy so a girl's name wasn't really necessary, but just to humor him, I threw out some ideas. "Jane."

"No, that's the name of a doll or something," Edward said. "How about Victoria?"

"Ew, I've always hated that name. I think that since we decided on a meaningful name for a boy, we should do the same for a girl."

"Bella Junior, and we can call her BJ," Edward said mockingly.

"No," I said after pretending to think about it seriously. "BJ isn't a good name for teenagers."

"Not that that matters here," Edward said under his breath.

I shook my head again. "Still don't like it. Besides my name is Isabella so that would be IJ and that doesn't sound right."

"Your name is Isabella?" he asked surprised.

"You didn't know that?"

"No…Wow, I guess that sucks of me. I didn't even know your real name."

"Well, I don't know your middle name."

"It's Anthony – Well, Anthony Masen."

"You have two middle names?" I asked confused.

"No, well, kind of. My dad's last name was Masen, but then my grandma remarried when he was little and they both took her husband's name Cullen."

"Oh, so they decided to hyphenate your last name?"

"Well, my dad's name was Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, so I was named after him."

"So…our baby would be the third?" I asked.

Edward nodded.

"Can we still call him EJ if he's not technically a junior?"

"We can do whatever you want," Edward said carelessly.

"Ok, good," I said excited again. But all the talk about his dad gave me an idea. "What's your mom's full name?"

"Esme Elizabeth Cullen. Why?"

"Well, my mom's name is Renee Marie Swan, so maybe we can like, combine their names somehow for a girl's name. Esme Renee Cullen."

"Not a fan of my mom's name," Edward said honestly. "I don't think I could ever call my kid Esme."

"Ok, how about Renee Esme Cullen….No, that doesn't sound right either. Hmmm, how about smushing them together….Renesmee. Oh, I like that!"

"Maybe we should just wait and think about it for a while before we decide on anything," Edward said carefully.

"You don't like it?" I asked disappointedly. "Too weird?"

"No, I think Rapunzel is fine, I'm just…"

"It's Renesmee," I corrected him. "Like Renee and Esme combined."

"Oh, that's what I meant. I think its fine; whatever you want is fine. I mean, we can always think of a nick name. Ren, May, Nes."

I stared at him for a minute in disgust. I still liked Renesmee, but if he was going to give our baby a nick name like one of those then there was no way I'd ever want to name her that.

I shook my head at him and figured that deciding on a girl's name wasn't all that important because I was so sure it was going to be a boy.

The days dragged on, and when my walking had turned into waddling, I seriously had enough.

"Come on EJ, don't you want to come out soon?" I'd often asked my stomach.

"Let's just let him come out when he's ready," Edward would reply nervously. I knew he was scared, and truthfully, I was beginning to be as well, but I still couldn't wait. I was uncomfortable and ached all over, not to mention the fact that I didn't even feel like having sex anymore, which was a major blow to me. Edward was fine and supportive about it, but I just wanted to reclaim my body as my own and I honestly missed making love to him.

There were times when I felt like I had been pregnant for far too long, but other times, when the baby was moving around inside of me, I felt so much love that I wanted to keep him inside me forever. But when my water finally did break, I realized just how naïve I had been about the entire thing….