A/N: Hmm. Next chapter will be some sad stuff. Then shit is gon' get real.
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:)

Disclaimer: I own nothing BDS.

"Oh, I'm a mess right now
Inside out
Searching for a sweet surrender
But this is not the end
I can't work it out
How going through the motions
Going through us
And, oh, I've known it for the longest time
And all of my hopes
All of my words
Are all over written on the signs
When you're on my road
Walking me home, home, home, home, home"

Chapter 13 : I'm A Mess

I shut the car door behind me, the folder in my hand feeling like a thousand pounds. Connor sat in the driver's seat, eyeing me. I knew they were both waiting for me to say something, but I couldn't find the words. If I opened my mouth, I would surely fall apart. It had only taken about half an hour to speak with Smecker. He'd spent all night printing off documents and Dad's will. He also had copies of Dad's documents and papers that could have any importance to me. Dad had been fully prepared. How long had he known he was in danger? My chest squeezed and I let out a shaky breath before rolling my window down and motioning for us to leave.

"Ye alrigh'?" Connor asked lowly, turning the key over and starting the car. His eyes were hidden behind his sunglasses. I looked at him and shook my head. He turned his face towards me for a moment before stopping at a stop light. My eyes looked ahead and I gripped the papers to my chest. Murphy was sitting behind me, quiet. Gently, I laid the folder into my lap and covered my face for a moment. Minuets later we pulled into the church parking lot. I needed to get myself together before I went inside. I set the papers on the dash board and clutched the rosary I had put back on this morning as I drank a cup of coffee.

"Want us te stay in 'ere?" Murphy asked, seeming to just want to clarify what he suspected.

"If y'all dont mind."

Connor reached for my hand, I accepted and let his warmth comfort me. He gave me a small smile and brought my knuckles to his lips. My dearest Connor, always so understanding. Murphy, not to be out done got out of the car and opened my door for me. I gave Connor's hand a squeeze and got out. Murphy kept the door open and made sure to envelope me in a hug.

"Father Sibeal isa nice guy, don' worry yerself." He too wore his sunglasses. It was a handsome look the brother's had. Black sunglasses, black coats. I leaned up on my tip toes and kissed his cheek.

"S'not the priest I'm worried about. It's what's in the folder. Gonna have to make a quick trip to Dad's bank after this. Mom can't know." My voice was shaky, but slowly it was evening out. Murphy's eye brows set in a way which told me he was wondering what I talking about. "I'll explain to y'all on the way to the bank. I'll be back." He let me go and I went up the stairs, through the big wooden doors.

The ride to get back to the apartment was fairly quiet, all of us were thinking. I no longer had the sick feeling in my stomach. My mind wasn't wrapped around what I had found out though, either. Dad had managed his finances very well, so well in fact I was sitting on a big chunk of change. Try 368,000 dollars and some odd cents. The FBI made sure he was well compensated for his efforts. All his final affairs and wishes were in black and white. He'd even written a sealed letter to whomever did his service. He'd made sure my stresses were as minimal as possible. I almost lost it when the teller at the bank went over the finances with me.

Dad had just a few hundred dollars worth of petty debt. I went ahead had that taken care of. The accounts were turned over to me and I put everything in savings except for five thousand dollars to have if needed. I felt a weight lifted off of me, I wouldn't be stuck with a bunch of final expenses to worry about. It would be done and over with. I licked my lips and took in the Boston air. It wasn't even 10:30 yet.

Connor was still in the driver's seat. We still had a few minuets before we got to the apartment, so I reached over into his coat pocket and pulled out his cigarettes. He didn't even bother to shoot me a glance, just asked me to light him one too. I put the filter to my lips and lit it, then reaching it over to him. He let it dangle while he got into another lane. Murphy chose to light one too. We smoked in silence for a moment before Connor spoke.

"I know ye got plans, lass, fer yer Da's service." He checked the review again and picked up where he left off. "But, I was wonderin' if ye'd like to have somethin' at McGinty's afterwards. Kinda honor Carrin the good ol' Irish way. Doc had mentioned somethin' about it, jus' didn' wanna ask." Connor inhaled his smoke and let it out, sending me hidden side glances. Again, he was reminding me why I adored them. They thought about these things. They had cared about my Dad. Hell, if it hadn't been for the respect they had for him I don't think they would have taken to me the way they have.

"Aye, let folks come te drink to his memory. He touched alotta people in his own way, Amelia." I took a deep breath and already knew I wanted to do what they were suggesting.

"Most definitely. Dad would have liked that. McGinty's was a huge part of him. This community was for that matter." I took a drawl off my cigarette and felt the morning sun warming my finger tips resting on the car door. "If y'all could give Doc the go ahead for me while Mom and I are getting Dad's arrangements in order...I'd love y'all forever." I felt a genuine smile form, knowing full well I'd love them regardless. Connor smiled and reached for my hand, kissing it again.

"In t'at case..." He teased and held it firmly. I gave Murphy a look in the mirror to my right. He too was smiling. "Kinda works out, was gonna ask ye if ye minded we go get Rocco. He's been askin' bout ye. We gotta talk about stuff, too."

I shrugged and flicked my cigarette out the window as we pulled into our parking space.

"I don't care, after all the important shit gets done today I need to go get stuff for dinner. Since we got company, figured it might be nice to have a nice sit down family meal." I didn't think nothing of what I said as I got out and shut the door. Murphy wrapped his arm around my shoulders, following Connor to the ground floor door.

"We got company?" Murphy asked, pushing the glasses up onto his head. I felt my cheeks turn red as Connor followed suit with his own glasses. I smiled and cleared my throat, trying to sound confident in what I said next.

"Well yeah, it's not just me anymore...it's us." My face got redder and redder with every word I spoke. They shared a look between them. I couldn't tell what they were thinking, but Connor spoke.

"Us?"

Murphy's arm remained lax on my shoulders, but his brother studied me. Connor's lighter blue eyes narrowed for a minuet. I looked away for just a second, debating on smacking him. Both of these men had a way of making me feel naked under their speculation sometimes. Don't care what anyone says, they have x-ray vision.

"Yes, us. We three." I motioned between all of us. "Thought you'd know this by now, darlin'." Inhale, exhale Amelia. This was never going to get easy for me. Wish I had more experience communicating how I felt towards people, more experience with adult matters. I was close to them but they were still shrouded in layers of mystery. Lot's of things I don't know and will probably never know. But deep down, I am okay with it. Life isn't scripted and it's not always perfect.

The brothers didn't say anything for a second. I wasn't expecting them to, just was hoping they'd accept it. Whatever we were, it was all three of us. I can't choose just one to get close to. I needed them both for their similarities and their differences. They were two sides of the same coin. Connor's eyes softened and he gently pulled me from Murphy. He cradled my face in his hands, tucking a strand of my unruly hair behind my ear.

"Ye haveta be one'a te most confoundin' lasses we 'ave ever met. Told ye b'fore ye were stuck wit us, but ye seem more sure t'is time." He paused and ran his thumbs along my cheeks softly. I felt my stomach turning, violently. My legs felt a bit shaky. Murphy must have noticed because he interlaced one of his hands in mine. My eyes were glued on Connors, feeling as if the world around me was going to shift again. Was I ready for another change? Did I understand myself enough to let Connor's face slowly get closer and closer to mine? My mind didn't have much time to over think it before my eyes closed on their own accord when his soft, warm lips lightly pressed against mine.

The world exploded. It was a slow rumble then I felt myself dissolve. I gripped Murphy's hand tighter, feeling Connor's lips innocently linger before pulling away. My heart was pounding loudly in my ears and I opened my eyes. The look on Connor's face said it all. Sincerity, amusement, and other emotions I couldn't put my finger on. Murphy too seemed to find the situation quite amusing. He tugged me back into him, placing a gentle kiss on my temple.

"Aye, t'ink te girl will keel over with any more excitement Con. Let's get 'er ta her Ma." I just stood there, blushing like a fool. I licked my lips and felt grateful to Murphy for recognizing my awkward moment. Connor winked and swung the door open, his twin gently pushing me forward. Suddenly, I felt self conscience about my jeans and how my butt might be looking. Good God, I was turning into THAT girl now. I exhaled loudly and tried to shake off the nerves as I unlocked the apartment door and let us in.

Mom and I sat in the waiting room of the funeral parlor. Dad's services had been arranged for Monday. It would nearly be an all day event. We picked out a handsome casket, it was a dark wood with a nice green lining. It wasn't fancy, but it was nice. Just like he had been. The director had told me I might want to opt for closed casket, the mortician would only be able to do so much he'd said...my chest squeezed and if it hadn't been for Mom's support I do think I would have lost it.

Father Sibeal would lead the services, he'd been given the letter from Dad this morning. Mom had asked a few questions about my errands without her, just gave her normal answers. 'It went well.' 'Already took care of it.' 'Dad made sure everything was nearly taken care of.' Thankfully, she didn't press the issues. Knowing my mother, she sensed how my emotions were teetering sense I had gotten home.

Right now we were waiting on the boys to get back with Rocco. Murphy had called me from McGintys to inform me Doc would be getting things ready for Monday night. I had asked him to forward my thanks and tell Doc the service details to pass along the next few nights to the patrons. They should be here soon.

"So, who's the friend again?" Mom asked, pushing her curled and hair sprayed mane out of her face. She wore a nice suit, looked ready for serious business. I on the other hand, kept my jeans and hoody from earlier today.

"Rocco, he's a funny guy." I answered. Mom's eyes were rimmed and red, she'd cried when we'd given the director of specific things that needed done by my father's wish. All I'd had to do was just hand him some papers, and that had cleared up a lot of things and solved most of our problems. We found out his burial plot was already paid for and most of the other expenses. I only ended up paying 1,600 some dollars for little things. Mom wanted to ask about the money, I just chalked it up to 'emergency money from Dad.'

"Hope he's actually funny, need a good laugh." Mom paused and I grinned.

"He's alright. Really close with the boys." Yeah, close enough kill people with them. I wanted to smack myself in the forehead. Here we are sitting in a funeral home and I am thinking about Murphy and Connor killing people.

"I think they are here, c'mon." Mom announced. We stood and I made sure to clutch the folder closely to my chest. She opened the intricately designed stain glass door and sure enough, there was the Buick. I seen Rocco sitting in the back seat with Murphy. We walked up and Mom took the front seat with Connor. I slid in next to Rocco. The scruffy man gave me a smile and fiddled with his hands.

"Hey Rocco." I said softly, mentally pushing back all the sad stuff. The man nodded and gave me a one armed hug, choosing the closeness to whisper to me.

"Hey kid, sorry about you Pop. Drank with him a few times. Good man. Was a bastard at cards though, spoke a lot about you sometimes." I smiled and gently pulled away, patting his hand.

"Thank you Roc. Oh! Shit, Rocco this is my mom..Annette. Mom, this is the funny guy." I introduced them casually.

On the way home we all chatted back and forth. They talked about the weather, Mom's career and we tried deciding what we wanted for dinner. It eventually was decided we all wanted something hearty to feel fat off of. I knew just what I wanted to make, was going to take these city boys to the country.

After we had time to sip on some coffee, Murphy volunteered to take me to the store. I of course didn't mind, but since Connor kissed me earlier I looked to him. The dark blonde twin must have seen the question in my face. He smiled tenderly and nodded. 'We'll talk later' he mouthed. I rewarded him a smile and kissed Mom on the cheek, quickly excusing myself with Murphy.

When we arrived at the small grocery store, he grabbed my hand. I felt my stomach flip and enjoyed the PDA. I'd never held a guy's hand in public until I'd met them. Though it was practically second nature by now, it didn't fail to bring out the girl in me. We walked around and I grabbed what I needed for dinner, encouraging the Irishman to pick out some snack food for him and his brother. Found out he didn't have to be told twice.

"So, seemed ta be pretty shook up earlier..." Murphy said to me casually as I eyed the cuts of meat. I grinned and shrugged, picking up a big beef roast. I knew exactly what he meant.

"Well, I hadn't been expectin' it if that's what your askin' me." I replied, humor coloring my voice. Murphy hugged his coat closer, grabbing a package of chicken breasts. I didn't question him as he placed them in the shopping cart.

"Too weird fer ya?" I didn't look at him, just continued looking at the cuts of meat and the prices. I picked up a package of steaks, tossing them in too. Mental note, make sure to get mushrooms.

"Honestly?" I asked him, looking up at him. Murphy stopped looking to look at me, serious. "I've never been kissed before. Not in a more than friends kinda way. I mean, that's what it was right? More than friends?" My insecurities got the best of me. Murphy's eye brows rose high and he chuckled.

"Aye, he t'inks yer somethin' special. I do, too." For once, he seemed pretty comfortable in verbalizing something like this. Yeah he was honest by nature, but, he was different than Connor in a lot of ways. Murphy had a charming side that made me see double but he was more subtle, sometimes. Never the same. "We've talked 'tween me an him. We both like ye. Wait, I've kissed ye 'fore!"

The only thing I could do was just breath. When had Murphy kissed me? I would remember that! My face must have given it away because he sighed. I bit my lip and thought hard. Oh yeah! I snapped my finger and giggled. It felt so good to be happy.

"You kissed more of my cheek than my lips, Murph." I teased, but it was true. That had been in the bathroom at McGinty's. I grabbed the shopping cart and pushed it forward slowly, waiting for his rebuttal.

"But it was close te yer mouth, tha's gotta count!" His voice was raised a little, and I shook my head.

"Nope. Connor sealed the deal for first kiss." I couldn't hide the smile off my face as we walked side by side, scanning for things we needed/wanted. I was teasing, but I really felt like a live wire. How could I not? Murphy seemed to brood, always in competition with one another. Sometimes it was frustrating, but sometimes I could use it to my advantage. I grabbed some chips and swung towards the fresh produce. Murphy split up from me for a few as he went to fetch 'the necessities'. AKA, beer. I loaded in the mushrooms and other things for later dinners the next few days.

We finally got the the check out, separating his alcohol from my stuff. My total was pricey, but it would be worth it. I just didn't look forward to carrying the bags upstairs. The bags got into my cart and Murphy grabbed his case. By the time we were on the road again, he seemed to have a quietness about him all the sudden. He's probably just thinking, I told myself. Surely he's not genuinely upset. Just in case, I reached over and grabbed his hand. A small grin tugged at his lips.

After dinner was served and everyone was full, I let out a groan. I watched Connor and Murphy pass Rocco and my Mom a beer. I gave her a grin as she cracked it open and took a drink. It has been a long time since I seen her drink anything. Considering how peaceful it had been with everyone here, I was feeling pretty content for the moment. The company made it easy for me to forget about Monday and the bloody hands in the room. Hands that I would hold through hell.

Rocco walked behind me on the couch and plopped a cold one into my lap. I held it up to him in thanks, twisting the top off and taking a cold drink. My Mom watched me, I just grinned sheepishly. She smiled back, clinking her bottle with mine.

"Seeing you with a beer, knowin' your so much the proper young woman now, makes me wanna tell embarrassing stories about you." She teased. I went pale.

"For the love of the Virgin Mary, Mom you won't." I begged, ignoring the excitement from the three men. Murphy squeezed in behind me, covering my mouth with his hand.

"Anne, if ye would be so kind ta tellus abou' lil Amelia here, we'd be in yer debt." His arms were holding me still and I growled. I narrowed my eyes at my mother as she took a long pull from her beer.

"Well..."

I growled again, and Connor lightly swatted the top of my head.

"Don' be rude, let yer Ma speak." I tried one last time to shake Murphy's hand, swearing I was going to box Connor's ears. Then he gave me that look from earlier, and I shut up. I considered it a kind of double win later. The boys and Rocco got a good laugh, I got to snuggle my back into Murphy while mom played story teller. Connor was never too far away, occasionally reaching for my hand and squeezing it before letting it go.

All and all, today had been good. I looked at them, all deep in conversation. Mom was genuinely smiling and pushing Rocco away as he sat in the floor in front of the couch. He too was laughing, Connor as well. I had a smile on my face, but I had grown quiet. Every few minuets I'd feel Murphy's chest behind me rumble from a good laugh. It would echo through me and sooth a soreness I knew hand't even came into being yet. I wished Dad was here for this. He'd be in his element, telling stories and teasing Mom.

The brother behind me interlaced his hand in mine, and I squeezed. They always knew. This was my happiness. I could be angry right now, deny myself some semblance of domestic happiness...but I wanted to smile and enjoy this. I can't be strong without them. I wasn't feel like the kid in the room now, I was just me. Least, that's how it feels. Murphy let out another laugh, hugging me from behind.

Like this, life was tolerable. I would enjoy this right now, because in two days I would be miserable.

**Ed Sheeran - I'm A Mess**