YOU AND ME

FOURTEEN

Twenty four hours after Troy had fled from Gabriella's room, he found himself returning.

It wasn't the first time that Troy had shown up at Gabriella's balcony. He'd come there on multiple occasions, often in times of sadness; sometimes in times where his calls weren't being taken, when she wasn't prepared to allow him through the front door. Troy hadn't wanted to abuse the entry via the tree and the balcony, as Gabriella's mother had made abundantly clear that she wasn't stupid and she knew when he'd been there at times when he thought he'd been sneaky. There had only been a handful of occasions where he'd taken advantage of the alternative access to the house for less than pure reasons.

It seemed to be a trend though that when he was upset, or when she was upset, or when they were angry with each other - that he would appear when he wanted to talk. She'd turned him away once - it had been a silly fight, taken place in the month or so between her agreeing that she was going to attend Stanford University and when he accepted that she was meant to be out east. They'd had a fight which, at the time, had been about the colour of her prom dress and a discussion about whether the boys ties should or shouldn't match. In hindsight it was a symbolic argument, representing pent up annoyances and frustrations. He'd come to her balcony with a flower; she'd trod on the flower and asked him to leave.

When Troy appeared on the balcony, she felt his unmistakable presence. She wasn't sure if it was just the sensation that someone was at her balcony or if her intuition was exclusive to Troy's presence. But even curled up in bed clutching to her stuffed monkey Arnie with a box of tissues beside her, she knew that he was there. In all of the fights they'd had, he'd never seen her like this - he'd never seen her at this precise point of her grieving. That point that many girls go through, when only crying and ice-cream have the ability to make things seem even slightly brighter, but even then the crying and ice-cream would sometimes just lead to more crying.

For Troy, seeing her like that hurt like a bitch, it pained, it stung - but in a way, it relieved him. A tiny part of his soul, that part which was violently angry at her, felt vindicated. So she should cry. She deserved to cry, to feel pain, because she'd made him feel that pain and it wasn't fair that she should get off unscathed. However more importantly, was that seeing her made him realise that it hadn't been easy. That was, in many ways, his biggest worry, his biggest hang up - that she had found it easy to do, that saying the words was simple and had no meaning to her. That everything that they'd been through was just a sham, that she'd been lying all of the times she'd said she loved him. It was plainly observed in that moment, as he stood staring at her, privy to her world and her emotion, that she was experiencing pain and misery too.

However despite his gradual understanding, he couldn't quash the angry part of him, which bubbled on the surface.

The door of the balcony wasn't locked, and he just opened the door and stepped into the room. He could see her flinch, knew that she knew he was there.

"You're upset," he observed, monotone.

She sniffled, rolling over to face him. She had tear stained cheeks, glossy red eyes and was clutching onto a tissue.

"Yes," she said simply.

"If it makes you feel like this... it... it makes no sense," he managed to say.

His fists were clenched together. She didn't blame him for being upset, for being angry. She had expected a reaction, but she hadn't quite comprehended just what seeing his reaction would do to her.

He stepped toward her, slowly, carefully.

"Right now, I don't know if I love you or hate you," he whispered. "Anyone who can make me feel like this... if we can do this to each other, this can't be good for us. Maybe the fact that we've let it come to this... maybe that's a sign that we were never meant to be."

"Please don't say that," Gabriella implored, her eyes tearing up again. "You have been the most important part of my high school experience. The most important part of my whole adolescence."

He restrained from rolling his eyes, from shouting at her. "You have to get that I'm not exactly in a place to believe you when you say things like that. How can this be important, and yet you throw it all away? I just... I don't get it."

"I didn't explain myself very well," she admitted, sitting up in her bed.

Troy hesitated, and conceded, "I guess I didn't let you."

As hard as it was to be rational and calm and to listen to her, Troy knew that he needed to understand – he couldn't handle the not knowing or not comprehending. He sensed that it was over. He sensed the finality in the air. Somewhere deep down, he intuitively knew that understanding her reasons would be instrumental to him handling the situation. He took a few more steps forward, kicked his shoes off by the edge of her bed, and sat down on her bed. Legs crossed in front of him, he looked straight at her.

"Are you ending this because you're scared of it not working? Because you're scared of long distance relationships?" he asked.

She dragged the blanket which had been over her to be in her lap. She met his gaze, and shook her head. "No. I mean... I am. I am terrified of that. But I was always being truthful when I said that I was willing to try, for us. So... that's not my reason."

He swallowed. He'd suspected she would say that. He took a deep breath, and asked quietly, "Then why?"

She took a deep breath. The air in the room was calmer than it had been the last time they'd interacted – screamed, shouted, cried at one another. She gave herself a moment, wanting to be careful to articulate herself properly.

"The last couple of weeks, I've been here as our friends are getting ready to move on with the next stage of life. There was a time when I was so excited about college and all the possibilities that come with this time in our lives. It's this time when you can redefine yourself and see things differently and learn and soak up the world. That excites me. As much as I knew that I would miss you, I had been excited about going to the east coast. I'm excited about my internship, and I'm excited about being so close to New York City. College is about figuring out what I wanna be, you know?"

"Okay..." Troy said slowly.

"I feel like everything that you and I have experienced together has been... magical. A fairytale. It hasn't been perfect, especially not the last six months. But when I'm with you... it's like nothing else matters. You've been such an important part of me finally being happy. Happy with myself, with who I am. I'm not scared to be true to myself."

Troy was following every word she was saying, but at the same time, not quite understanding how it was leading to her feeling the need to end their relationship.

"I can't help but be unsure if my happiness is driven by me or whether it is dependent on you. I want to be the kind of person who can love herself, wholly, and completely – without needing to have you holding my hand. I need time, for me, to learn who I am. And... I can't do that with you in my life. You cloud my vision. I realise that this is going to sound absolutely ridiculous to you right now, but if I didn't love you as much as I do, then I wouldn't be feeling the need to do this."

Gabriella looked carefully at him. She saw the roll of his eyes, but persevered regardless.

"It's because I love you so much that sometimes I hardly know where I end and you begin... that's the thing that scares me. At first I thought that maybe I'd just ask if we can have a break or something. But I know I'm not strong enough to do that. I know I'll call you as soon as I have a bad day because I need you. We're only 18, and I don't think it's a good thing that I need you to be happy. I don't think it's healthy. Maybe I'm overanalysing..."

"You are. All of this is coming from the girl who has spent the last twelve months insisting upon living in the moment," Troy observed.

"I was trying to follow my heart, I guess. Like you do."

"And now?"

"And now my heart is confused. So... I'm listening to my head."

Troy exhaled. "What if... what if we take six months? Spend some time apart, focus on school and making new friends and..."

She reached out her hand, cupping his chin and pressing her index finger to his lips. "It doesn't work like that."

He took her hand in his, eyes closing as he tried to process the information. "You know how you and me are different?" he asked softly. "We're different because you, in thinking that maybe the only way you can be happy with me – take that as some sort of challenge to make yourself happy. Whereas I, in thinking that the only way I can be happy is with you – don't want to ever let you out of my sight."

"Troy..."

"Gabriella, has it occurred to you that being happy isn't such a bad thing?" he asked. "Fuck, all you and I have ever done is prove the status quo wrong. You might say that I'm romantic and idealistic, but if you'd told me two years ago that I'd fall properly in love in high school then I think I would've questioned the reality. When I found out out that Paula was gonna be going to UT to be with Marcus, I couldn't help but roll my eyes and wonder if she'll regret it in six months time when they've broken up. I think that Chad and Taylor are a ticking time bomb. But you and I... we're different. I never thought that the next four years was going to be easy, but for you, I was prepared to make it work because you make me happy."

"This isn't about the long distance thing, it really isn't," Gabriella insisted.

"So... if you'd wanted to go to Stanford, you think you would've found yourself feeling this way?" he dared to ask.

She considered it for a moment, and then answered honestly. "Yes."

"Guess it's really a good thing you didn't compromise yourself and accept at Stanford then," he said, his tone undeniably bitter. He rubbed his eyes, flopping back on the bed. "Why are you so concerned about this need to figure out who you are? Do you think anyone knows who they are at our age? I think the only person I know who has their life planned out is Sharpay, and her life plan is ridiculous."

Gabriella couldn't help but smile wryly. "True. But I just... I feel like this is something I need to figure out on my own."

He sat up, looking her in the eye. "Do you know how ridiculous this is? The idea that after all that we've been through, that the reason you want to break up is because... is because you love me too much?" Troy was somewhat incredulous.

"You make it sound like it's simple. Please don't think it is."

"I know that it is complex. If it was simple, then do you think I'd be able to sit here and have this conversation without being ridiculously angry?"

"I guess not," she conceded. She sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Please don't say that."

"But I am."

"I know you are, but I really don't want to hear it."

"You have to believe me though, that I am."

The air went quiet. Gabriella wasn't sure what she could say. A calm had come over Troy. He was undoubtedly hurt and angry, but she felt as though to a point, he was able to see her point of view. She waited for him to speak.

"I'm not sure I get it. I'm not sure that I understand. But... I get that it is real, that this is happening. I get that you didn't know you'd feel this way. Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed at you. After you go to Massachusetts, I'm gonna get drunk and tell everyone what a bitch you are and probably listen to some emo music and slam a bunch of doors and maybe even make a voodoo doll or something."

Gabriella couldn't help but laugh a little at the image, and at Troy's wry confession to how he would react.

"But... right now, there's just a few days until you step onto that plane and I wanna make the most of these last few days. You and me, we've been through so much and I feel like it would just be the worst thing possible for you to go out east and for us to end with you crying and me throwing shit around."

She felt more tears began to slide down her cheeks. She couldn't imagine anything better herself, than being able to spend time with him and somehow, get some sort of finality and closure.

"For the record, after I go east and you're telling everyone what I bitch I am, I'll be sitting around crying feeling like a bitch."

"Good. You should feel like that. But... can we just put it off?"

"Please."

Troy nodded, and felt the burgeoning tears in his eyes begin to slip down his cheeks. He and Gabriella were breaking up. In a few days time, their relationship would be over. He had a matter of hours to hold her, to kiss her, to take in every nuance of her voice and posture and laugh. After that – he didn't know when he would see her again.

He had a matter of days to say goodbye.

"I love you so much," he choked out.

"I love you too."

Softly, tenderly, they began to kiss. They hadn't taken a moments pause to contemplate who was present in the house, what the time constraints upon their privacy were. None of it mattered. Because in a matter of days, the reality in which they both existed was going to be ripped apart. Everything they'd planned for the next few years, all of the coping mechanisms laid out - it was all gone. Back to square one. And all they had was each other, in that moment.

The path that I'm walking I must go alone

I must take the baby steps til I'm full grown

Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending do they

And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know, that this is nothing to do with you

It's personal, myself and I

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket

But I've got to get a move on with my life

It's time to be a big girl now and big girls don't cry

Fergie 'Big Girls Don't Cry'