Author's Note: Hello! Sorry it took me a long time to update this. *Dodges brick that was thrown at head*
Zeref and Natsu's laws in this chapter were suggested by Daygon Yuuki.
Also, a few laws in this chapter are solely for the purpose of explaining things that happened in this fanfiction that make no sense, such as the people from Veronica being in Fiore or Mirajane absorbing Sayla when Tartarus was enslaved by Mickey (meaning that most of the Tartarus arc actually didn't happen in this fanfiction).
All members of Tartarus – I don't care who wrote it, whether it was one of you or "Mard Geer Trainor". Just please stop singing "All About That Face". Nobody likes it except you.
Achnologia – Becoming a human does not change anything. Please go home.
Alzack Connell – A tiny argument over an electric fan is an incredibly stupid reason to get divorced. Please discuss this with your wife and think more deeply about this.
Arcadios – If you do not stop singing this instant, the song "Rude" by Magic! will be permanently banned from Fiore.
Aria – No, you may not form the "Crying Club" with War Cry and Zeref.
Asuka Connell – I'm sorry, but you can't join Team Natsu, even if your parents do get divorced.
August – The month wasn't named after you, you were named after the month.
Azeal Lamur - No more of this "Darude – Sandstorm". Please. I'm begging you.
Azuma – You are a tree. In your current state, you cannot move, let alone become a superhero. If you were able to, then yes, you could join Yukino's "superhero squad", but you can't.
Bacchus Groh – As the one who caused this, it is your responsibility to go (along with Cana) and talk Edolas Cana into coming out of hiding.
Badd Mann – Nobody believes that you are actually the result of a project involving humans mating with onions.
Belno – Stop freaking out over Gajeel's piercings. He's not your son, and not your problem.
Bisca Connell – A tiny argument over an electric fan is an incredibly stupid reason to get divorced. Please discuss this with your husband and think more deeply about this.
Bluenote Stingers – Since there are three-hundred and two of you right now due to Gildarts's magic, you will be referred to as a plural until the problem is fixed.
Bob – If Kageyama doesn't want to join Blue Pegasus, he doesn't want to. Please leave him alone.
Bora – A rivalry is like a relationship. You may not declare Leo your rival without his consent.
Boze – Stop demanding that people feel your "smooth, shiny bald head".
Brandish – I'm sorry, but I can't be bothered to spend hours trying to find a way to type your last name. This isn't a big deal. It's nothing to start a war over, nor is it a good reason to make the current war even worse.
Cana Alberona – As the one who caused this, it is your responsibility to go (along with Bacchus) and talk Edolas Cana into coming out of hiding.
Cana (Edolas) – You are not "impure" just because you were tied down and forced to drink alcohol by Bacchus and your Earthland counterpart. You are still allowed to show your face in public.
Cancer – Stop trying to infect people with cancer. You are Cancer the star sign, not cancer the disease.
Capricorn – Let me assure you that the goat in the "I Knew You Were Trouble: Goat Version" YouTube video is not your long-lost brother.
Celestial Spirit King – Please. You are possibly the only person who can control the two of them. Just get Mard Geer to stop bragging about his hair before Leo "goes Eclipse". No, this is not funny!
Chase – Actually, yes, I do have power over you. In case you forgot, Veronica was dissolved after what you call the "phoenix incident". You live here now.
Chico C Hammitt – The phrase is "cheese it", not "ham it" – oh. Oh, I get it now. "Ham it", "Hammitt". Very funny.
Coco (Edolas) – Stop telling everyone that you were "raised by dogs" then sniffing them to prove it. You're only encouraging your Earthland counterpart.
Coordinator – You are not going to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for wearing "toilet paper armor".
Crawford Seam – You are dead, Crawford. And I'm fairly sure neither Lyon nor Sherry brought you back. Now please stop lying to yourself and go back to… wherever dead people go. Wait a minute, people can come back to life just by telling themselves that they're alive?
Cream – Carbuncle is a guild, and therefore they don't have to do anything you say unless you pay them. Stop taking their belongings and flushing them down the toilet "as a punishment for not obeying you".
Dan Straight – No, there will not be a "shrinking competition" between you and Brandish. Fiore might be accidentally stepped on by whoever manages to avoid your magic.
Dimaria Yesta – Your last name is not just a misspelled version of "yeast". You are not descended from fungi, nor are you descended from bread. Now stop addressing that loaf of bread as "grandfather".
Doranbolt – Yes, you may join Yukino's squad. No, you cannot call yourself the "Spiky-Haired Possibly-a-Pedophile Teleporting Life-Saving Awesome Cool Great Bolt Guy". Please, unless you don't want anyone to even try saying your name, choose something shorter.
Dyst – Actually, yes, it is creepy that you have preserved the corpse of your pet weasel in your freezer for the past eight years. Extremely creepy. Please bury it.
Éclair – Stop covering yourself in chocolate icing and whipped cream, lying in a box and then declaring yourself a pastry. If you stop doing this, I will grant you permission to join Yukino's squad as "The Mighty Dessert", which you have expressed a desire to do.
Elfman Strauss – Stop declaring "To the MAN-MOBILE!" before you get into your car. It might have been a bit funny the first time, but it's getting old now.
Enno – Please stop slapping Romeo's friends whenever they use the "your mother" comeback on him. Yes, they do need to grow up, but slapping people is never the answer unless the person you are slapping is from Alvarez.
Erik – When you hear Kinana singing "Anaconda", please don't encourage her. And yes, saying "Plot twist: you are the anaconda!" still counts as encouraging her.
Erza Knightwalker – Yes, some superhero names are just too long. The same goes for song titles. If you want to name your song "Look, I'm Sorry I Blew a Hole in Your Stomach, Okay? Can We Still Be Friends?", that's fine, but it's incredibly long and nobody will want to say it. Also, it will be difficult to find on Google.
Eve Tearm – Don't freeze people half to death just because they acted a bit surprised when they found out that you were actually twenty-three. While it may be annoying, it's true that you look younger than you actually are. Honestly, for the first few months of writings these rules, I thought you were about twelve. Wait – no – I am your king! Do not freeze me!
Evergreen – The British will probably be offended if you parody their national anthem, even if it is called "Ankhseram Save Erza".
Faust – Thank you. It's nice to see that you've finally shut up. Truce?
Flare Corona – Lucy might like being serenaded, but her neighbors don't particularly appreciate it.
Franmalth – That was horrifying. Don't ever watch Soul Eater again.
Freed Justine – From now on, it is an official law in Ishgar that you may only party for three days after Senpai Notices You. No, seriously. You've been partying for nearly a month now. Stop.
Frosch – I'm sorry, but you can't turn into a prince, not even if Hisui kisses you.
Fukuro – Stop attacking Simon Cowell. What's he still doing here, anyway? I thought we sent everyone from That Place back where they came from.
Gajeel Redfox – You may not arrest people for the following reasons: Having a face like that, having an ass like that, trying to steal your pot pie, playing Darude – Sandstorm (though it is annoying… I might reconsider that one), flying, being tiny, or jaywalking.
Gemini – Your "technique" may have worked on a few people in the past, but it will not work on the Spriggan 12. Well… probably not. At this point, I'd be willing to try just about anything to get rid of them.
Gildarts Clive – Right, that's it. Find all the Bluenotes, gather them into the bag I have given you, and return them to normal. If you do not follow orders, you will face severe punishments, such as being forced to lie still while tiny Bluenotes pound their fists into your skull.
God Serena – Fabulousness does not help you get away with everything.
Gray Fullbuster – Just because you have never seen Silver, Eve, Ultear or Invel strip does not mean that they aren't "true ice/snow mages".
Happy – Just this once, I will give you permission to use the live, poisonous beetles. But only on those who are from Alvarez. And that doesn't include the Connell family.
Hisui E. Fiore – Zancrow is your butler, not your hostage. Stop holding a knife to his throat and threatening to kill him if we don't leave your paper kingdom alone. Besides, he's a ghost. That won't work.
Horologium – Please let Dimaria and "Grandfather Bread" out – actually, keep them. One down, eleven plus Zeref to go.
Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki – Stop giving out "free sparkles". How does that even work?! By the way, they're not "free" if you have to pay for them.
Ikaruga – That's just a regular sword. It's not a "diamond sword" and it will not become one, no matter how much you swing it while singing that song.
Invel – Nobody is "throwing off Emperor Spriggan's groove". Stop punishing people for things they didn't do. Does Zeref even have a groove? What's a groove, anyway?
Ivan Dreyar – I asked you to dispose of that banner, not give it to Makarov. It's not even Father's Day anymore.
Jason – No. The Alvarez Empire is not "cool". We are at war with them.
Jellal Fernandez – Wendy is not your sister. Juvia is also not your sister. Yuka is not your brother. Aquarius is not your mother. Macao is not your uncle. And how on Earthland could Happy be your son?! Honestly, just because you all have blue hair/fur doesn't mean you're related.
Jenny Realight – Mirajane is not: A goddess, Satan, a shitty OC, someone from That Place, your mother, your father, your spirit animal, in love with Laxus, in love with Freed, in love with you, or your left shoe.
Juvia Loxar – I refuse to grant you permission to start a guild made up entirely of people with crushes on Gray. I also refuse to grant you permission to make Cancer "go eclipse".
Kageyama – Stop crawling around after Erigor and cleaning up his footprints.
Kagura Mikazuchi – Please calm down and do not destroy anything. We will return your sword to you as soon as possible.
Kamika – Stop making obscene things out of origami and then placing them in Hisui's paper kingdom.
Keyes – If there really is going to be a skeleton war this October, I should warn you that your side will lose badly. Mostly because you're the only known living skeleton in Fiore.
Kinana – You're not an anaconda.
Kyouka – As I said to Mavis a while ago, wings on the side of your head will not help you fly. You may jump off of that building, but Mickey will probably be upset to have lost one of her slaves.
Laki Olietta – Stop making obscene things out of wood and giving them to innocent children.
Laxus Dreyar – You are no longer a member of Blue Pegasus. You're not being forced to hit on anyone.
Leo – Stop threatening to "go eclipse" again if Mard Geer doesn't stop bragging about his hair.
Levy McGarden – Please stop asking people to re-enact scenes from your favourite books with you. Especially the more… adult novels.
Lisanna Strauss – I don't know what possessed you to turn into a turkey on Thanksgiving. Please, for your own safety, never do that again.
Lucy Heartfilia – Take off the hat, the sunglasses, and the gold chains. Just because people ship you with literally everyone does not mean that you are a pimp, nor should you become one.
Lyon Vastia – The "TM13: Ice Beam" will not work on you, Gray, Ur, Eve, or any other ice/snow wizard I might have forgotten, no matter how much you try.
Macbeth – What are TMs, anyway? And why do you keep trying to use "Dream Eater" on yourself?
Makarov Dreyar – No, it is not 100% guaranteed that you are going to die in this war. You may not dig a grave for yourself or hold a pre-funeral party until we are sure.
Mard Geer – Stop bragging about your hair before Leo "goes eclipse" again.
Mavis Vermillion – Stop kissing everyone you hate. Just because Zeref (accidentally) killed you by kissing you doesn't mean that you can also kill people by kissing them.
Max Alors – I don't know what that… half-human… half-broom… thing is, but congratulations, I suppose... Actually, I've just been informed of the real situation. Please remove the bristles from that baby's head and return it to its real parents. And never pretend that the broom is pregnant again. You traumatized everyone.
Mickey Chickentiger – Please use your slaves appropriately.
Minerva Orlando – Please stop asking Kyouka to form the "Sadistic Bitches Club" with you.
Mirajane Strauss – Stop turning into Sayla in front of Kyouka. Being cruel to her makes you no better than her, you know. Don't sink to that level. Also, "she stole my cake" is not a good reason to absorb someone. Mickey now has one less slave – actually, that's not a bad thing. Good job.
Mystogan – You are not the King of Mustard, the King of Bluenettes, the King of This Tiny Three-Foot-Square Island I Found off the Coast of Ishgar, or the king of anything that isn't Edolas. Now stop declaring yourself the king of everything.
Natsu Dragneel – Stop ripping the rules you find funny off of the board and collecting them. If you refuse to stop, I will have a mage cast a spell on all the laws so that something horrible happens when you touch them. Also, you may want to avoid Zeref. I don't know what he wants from you, but it can't be good.
Neppa – No. You must never use acid in cooking. Ever.
Obra – Unless you can prove that you are one of the Spriggan 12, stop claiming to be one of them.
Pantherlily – Don't join the "diamond-sword-swinging" insanity Ikaruga has started up. Please.
Plue – You're not a snowman. Please go indoors before you freeze.
Reedus Jonah – Art can metaphorically be an explosion, and it can be an image of an explosion, but please, unless you are fighting an enemy, do not make art that is literally an explosion.
Richard Buchanan – No, I'm not done with the book yet. You can't have it back until I've discovered all of its secrets.
Romeo Conbolt – Stop trying to find ways to kill Totomaru. You can't kill/melt him by throwing a bucket of water over him, by the way.
Rufus Lore – Stop pretending to be one of the Three Musketeers, and more importantly, give the sword back to Kagura. Please. Before she… does something horrible. (Insert written equivalent of a shudder of fear)
Scorpio – Aquarius didn't die. You can still visit her in the spirit world. You weren't "tragically separated by your master's cruelty".
Silver Fullbuster – Actually, no, you haven't broken the world record for "most revived person". You've only been brought back from the dead twice. The record is 1,724 times. Keep trying.
Sting Eucliffe – Dressing as a bee for Halloween is fine. Having a real stinger that could actually harm someone, and will kill you at the same time if it does, is not fine.
Sue – There's no such thing as an "everything dragon slayer". You can't become one. Sorry.
Tempesta – I thought you only lost your memories when you regenerated, not every other minute. Stop greeting people and then pretending that you don't know them five minutes later. What are you trying to accomplish?
Totomaru – Stop trying to find ways to kill Romeo.
Virgo – Stop offering to dig holes for people to die in.
Wendy Marvell – Is getting motion sickness an accomplishment as a dragon slayer or something? If so, congratulations. If not, why is everyone congratulating you for it?
Yukino Aguria – Mickey doesn't need saving, but she thanks you for the thought. Those demons are her slaves, by the way.
Zancrow – One of your duties as a butler is to protect Hisui from random frogs who want to kiss her in order to become princes. You have failed in your mission.
Zeref Dragneel – Please stop stalking your brother. I don't know what you want from him, but knowing you, it can't possibly be good.