Wherever you go

I always know

July 2022:

Izzy approached the field, a feeling of trepidation settling in the depth of his stomach. He weaved through the remaining children, apologizing for bumping into the small bodies without expecting a response. The retired-teacher-turned-volunteer-coach was standing by the far goal, and from the look on his face, Izzy knew the ride home would be quiet.

"Coach Toriyumi," Izzy greeted when he approached. He had to resist the urge to rub the scar at the base of his throat, even now. "How was practice?" He held out his arm, and the small redheaded child clutched the dirty soccer ball tighter, wandering into his embrace. She wasn't speaking, another bad sign.

"We've seen better, especially out of Miss. Jaciru here." The older man tried to smile at the little girl, to bring out the grin he was so familiar with, from both her and Tai, but she just pouted and buried her face in her father's thigh.

"I apologize," Izzy said softly with a bow. "But with the recent accident..."

Ito Toriyumi nodded. "I understand. If you need any time off just let me know. I'll miss my best player, however."

"I'll be sure to make the proper arrangements before the next match." He put his hand on Jaciru's head, petting her long hair back into some semblance of the ponytail she'd had before practice, the small white scars bright even under her bangs. Junior soccer sure was physically demanding for seven year olds, he thought somewhere in the back of his mind. He gave her a pat on the back and she gave the barest hint of a bow before turning away.

Her fingers dug into the dirty ball, tossing it angrily into the back seat when she made it to the car. Her uniform, usually caked with dirt and grass by now, still smelled fresh from the dryer and the scent of detergent irritated her nose. Izzy waited patiently for her to buckle in, starting the car as she rested her forehead against the passenger window. The radio was silent, as Izzy preferred using car rides to contemplate or discuss with his passengers.

"Do you want to go back to practice tomorrow?" he asked, adjusting his glasses. Though she was young, he felt it good to let her be responsible for her own actions. "Coach Toriyumi would be sad you if you didn't."

"I don't care," Jaciru pouted as she watched the street pass by. "Coach Toriyumi is a jerk, anyway."

"Coach Toriyumi is an old friend, so do not speak ill of him," Izzy gently reprimanded. "You can be upset, but that's not an excuse to lash out at others. I expect you to apologize when we see him next."

"Yes, sir," Jaciru sniffled and Izzy immediately felt bad. His daughter was upset and all he'd done was make her feel worse. He tapped his habitually painted nails on the steering wheel and contemplated how to rectify the situation, but knew he was lost. He was still unused to conveying his feelings despite years of marriage to an outgoing personality. He would have reached out to pat her on the shoulder, the only reassuring gesture he knew, but he was just as bad at driving as he was at comforting. The best he could do was get them home in one piece.

The sound of the road filled the minivan, mingling with soft sniffles and worried sighs. The soccer ball bounced on the floorboards in the back, rattling amongst junk food wrappers Izzy had yet to remove. As though cleaning up the mess would steal away the memories from before...

The house before them wasn't large, exactly, but it was better than a cramped apartment. Izzy could still see the jealous look on Kari's face as her toddlers ran around the living room, the young bride playfully contemplating a move from the expensive city to a place where a teacher and a novelist could afford something anywhere nearly as nice. Izzy pulled into the driveway and the moment the car was placed in park, Jaciru flung her door open, flying inside despite her father squawking after her, "Do not exit the car while the ignition is running!"

Izzy snatched the keys from the engine, for once not taking the time to readjust the seat to a neutral position, and ran after Jaciru. He closed the front door behind him and looked around. The little girl was already nowhere to be seen, the only sign of life in the large house being her brunette twin on the couch. His warm oak eyes looked up from Animal Farm and he gave an unsure smile.

"Jaci went out back," he said, recognizing the look on Izzy's face. "I think she was crying."

Izzy sighed deeply. There was only one person who could talk to her when she was like this. "Have you seen your Papa today, Kaya?"

Nakayama shook his head, burying his nose back in his book. "Not yet, Mama. He hasn't even come out of his room for lunch."

Izzy smiled as best he could, ruffling the child's fluffy hair as he passed. He knew the young boy was worried about his sister, and the gentle touch was his promise that everything would be ok. He walked down the hallway from the living room, passing by the terrifyingly normal framed team photos, the newspaper clippings announcing victory, the dusty trophies sitting untouched. There was no memorial to the accident, though the image would never leave his mind. The frantic scream of the announcer over the television, the simultaneous call from a terrified manager.

Izzy opened the door to the master bedroom, blinking in the darkness. The curtains were drawn shut against the bright afternoon sun, and the table side lamps looked like they hadn't been touched in days. The prone figure in the bed didn't even shift as Izzy stepped inside, though the pained breathing told him he was awake.

"You promised you wouldn't let these things overwhelm you again," Izzy chastised, crossing the room in upset strides. He grabbed the curtains and flung them open, listening with distressed joy as his lover hissed at the invading brightness. "The doctor said you need to get fresh air and exercise."

"I pr'mise a lot of crap," Tai slurred, shoving himself on his side, facing what little darkness was left. "Besides, wha's it matter anyway?"

"It could very well mean complete amputation of the limb, if you're not careful." Izzy cracked the window open. The staleness of the room wavered and the smell of summer poured in. The redhead closed his eyes, feeling his own darkness trying to form. But he shoved it away, remembering that vow they'd made four years ago to themselves and their children. The sound of an empty pill bottle falling to the floor jerked him back to the present and he moved to sit on the large bed. He reached out, letting his fingertips rest on the hard cast that bound Tai to his depression.

"You know," he said, attempting a new tactic, "Jaciru's thinking about quitting soccer."

"Wha'?" Tai turned to look over his shoulder, blinking heavily through his medication. "No she's not – Bug loves s'ccer."

Izzy shook his head. "No, she loves her Papa. And you are a popular soccer star ("Was," Tai grumbled through his haze.) and all she wanted was to share something with you. And now, you've decided you hate soccer and she isn't sure why. All she knows is that you're hurting and it because of something you two used to love."

Tai shook his head and sat up too suddenly, making himself dizzy. The medicine made it hard to think, much less talk, and he fought to make himself understood. "You don' understand, soccer was my life." He swallowed hard, his world becoming clearer in his anger. "You know it was the only reason I even had a place to live during high school! And now, because of this damn leg, they're forcing me to retire..."

"That could be a good thing," Izzy told him quickly. It was a good sign that Tai was speaking this much, and he grasped the opportunity. "You won't be traveling as much, you'll get to spend more time with me and the kids. Jaciru especially misses you."

Tai twisted his lips into grimace as he tried to smile, tried to find the self that he kept burying under his own self-pity. "I guess... I should go talk to her, huh?"

"She needs to know that she's done nothing wrong." Izzy suddenly reached out to hug Tai, looking past him to the gold band that sat on his finger. "And so do you."

"Thanks, Izzy. You always know how to straighten me out." The brunette lingered in the embrace for a moment, dimly realizing just how grimy he was after days of depression. Izzy had always been so meticulous with the laundry, but he'd been rolling around in the same sheets for days now.

Izzy watched as Tai pushed himself up, swinging his cast over the side of the mattress with a heavy whump. The pain was throbbing from his ankle all the way to his spine, and he cursed that he'd used all his vicodin, their effects wearing off quickly now. His next refill wouldn't be for a few more days. He reached out with a shaking hand, in pain despite the medication still coursing through his system, grabbing the untouched crutch and hauled himself out of bed. The redhead wanted to reach out, to help steady him, but he knew that would only send Tai back into his depression. He had to learn how to do this on his own again, just like before.

The crutch and the cast tapped on the floor as he wobbled down the hall. He paused for a moment, looking at the same memorabilia that decorated the walls that his husband had looked at before. The gnawing emptiness in the pit of his stomach made him ill, though that could have been because he hadn't eaten properly in a few days.

He turned away, ignoring the crash and shatter of glass as his framed team photo was tossed carelessly to the ground. No matter what he said to Izzy, it would still take time.

Nakayama was still curled on the couch with his book, though he looked up as his father entered the room. He gave a tiny smile, though it didn't warm his eyes any less. Even though he was older now, he was still rather shy and quiet, but the child noticed right away the way Tai paused at the end of the hall.

"Papa," he said with the same softness as his other father. "I'm glad you're up."

"Thanks, Kaya." Tai tried to smile, but it felt more like a grimace as his leg began to throb, the stitches itching. Maybe once he felt better, he could take his kids on a picnic. It had been a while since they'd all gone out as a family. "D... D'ya know where Bug went?"

"She went out back when Mama came home. I think she's yelling at the goal net." Nakayama didn't like yelling. It reminded him of his Auntie Kari's when they had to visit on Sundays.

Tai nodded, limping heavily across the floor. It was a struggle to get up the half-step that lead to the kitchen (damned architect and his steps and arches and dumb half-walls that were more trouble than they were worth), but he was determined to make it to the back yard. He could see through the sliding glass door as the redheaded child sat on the porch, head cradled in her hands. Her tiny shoulders were shaking and, as he balanced on his crutch to open the door, he heard her scream into the sky.

"Little Bug, little Bug?" he sang cautiously, the misquoted lullaby stirring a buried warmth in his chest. It felt like forever since he'd been there to tuck his kids in. The same summer smell of fresh grass and lost adventures surrounded him. It was hard to be depressed with that familiar scent filling his lungs.

"Papa?" Jaciru blew her nose in her jersey, looking over her shoulder. Her eyes were red and puffy, her hair sticking to her face, revealing her scars. She gave a hiccuping sob, reaching out as Tai hobbled over, slowly lowering himself into a sitting position he knew he would need help getting out of later. His daughter instantly threw herself against his side, crying out. As quiet as Nakayama still was, his twin was just as loud.

"Hey, hey." Tai set his crutch aside, gathering Jaciru into his arms. "What's up? Don't be sad, Bug."

"I'm sorry, Papa." She snotted all over his shirt, reminding him again that he needed to change. "I don't want to be sad, but..." She screwed up her face.

Jaciru didn't know what had happened a few days ago. She'd been watching TV with Mama, cheering her Papa on to win the World Cup when everyone started yelling. Mama had gotten a call from Sissy Yuki-chan and her and Kaya were suddenly dropped off with Grammy and Grampy. The next thing she knew, Papa was out of that scarey hospital and in bed, eating his special vitamins that made him not want to love her anymore, and he said he hated soccer. He said They were making him tired and he still had a few good years left, damnit! (Mama didn't know she knew that word and he always frowned when Papa said it.)

Tai rubbed her back soothingly as she wailed, "I-I don't w-want you to hate me-e!"

"Hate you?" Tai dragged her into his lap, wincing as she shifted her weight onto his bad thigh. "Why would I hate you?"

"B-because..." She was wheezing, blubbering against his neck. "You stopped loving soccer and I still love it and if you hate soccer then you must hate me!"

He rocked Jaciru, smothering the top of her head with kisses, humming their out of key lullaby as she sniveled and whimpered. His leg was throbbing, wave after wave of pain fogging his mind. He held his daughter close, biting his lip to keep from crying as much as she was.

"I could never hate you," he told her, swallowing the pain that tried to escape through his voice. "You're my Little Bug, Jaciru."

"But what about soccer?" She settled herself in his lap, feeling his cast digging into her uncomfortably.

Tai took a breath. He could still hear Yukiko's voice ringing in his ears. She had been unable to meet his eye, standing uneasily at his bedside in the hospital.

"The doctors say you'll never play again. A decision has been made..."

He shook his head. It still hurt, he was sure it always would. But the pain in his daughter's voice, the desperate need for her father's affection, was strong enough to pull him from his own darkness, just as his son had before.

"That doesn't affect how I feel about you, Bug. If you're happy playing, then I'm happy." He gave her the biggest grin he could manage.

"Really?" She coughed and he wiped her eyes. "You mean it?"

"I mean it." He hugged Jaciru tightly, squeezing the breath from her lungs. "And, hey, Sissy Yuki-chan said that once my cast is off, they're gonna hold a big party for me and all my teammates are gonna be there. You wanna go?"

"I can go to Papa's party?" Jaciru squealed and threw herself against him, burrowing into his chest before frowning. "I don't have to wear a dress like when Uncy TK takes me to Church, do I?"

"No way," Tai laughed, not sure if that particular wave of pain was from his leg or the mention of the young man's name. "I think Sissy Yuki-chan would love to see your uniform much more than some dumb old dress."

Jaciru cheered, pulling herself to her feet and running inside the house, hollering at her brother, "Papa's taking me to a party! Jealous?!"

Izzy laughed as his suddenly much happier daughter playfully wrestled her brother, dragging him off the couch and into her re-energized world. He quietly approached his husband who was trying to still pained breathing.

"So you decided to attend your own retirement party after all?"

Tai grabbed his crutch and reached out, Izzy hauling him to his feet. The brunette wobbled for a moment before shrugging. "Why not? It'll help Bug feel better about herself." He gave a wry smile at the look Izzy was giving him. "And... it'll help me feel better about myself."