A/N: Sorry for the long wait, real life sucks.

I think I may have fainted, or maybe my legs just gave out. My head pounded out a disjointed rhythm that matched the pulse of my heart. My throat constricted while I attempted to create sound, I wasn't sure what I was trying to say.

The room spun all around me and Esme's dark caramel eyes seemed distant. I could feel the air gently rushing by me as I fell, in which direction I wasn't sure. Every particle that passed my ear made a screaming whistle as my eyes rolled back into my head.

Cold objects wrapped around my torso to support me. I could feel the ground beneath me, but I was in a horrible shock. My body shivered and I could feel the bile rising in my throat. Oh no.

I heard the gurgle in my stomach and suddenly there was a pail before me. My hands pulled it closer to me, allowing my face to duck inside and not force Esme to watch me vomit out my insides.

I dry heaved after the first bought. I hadn't eaten in a while, and that had slipped my mind until now. My throat became dry and raw quickly with each pass of acid. The smell was worse than blood, so much saltier that it stung at my nose and prickled at my eyes.

Esme's calming hands caressed my hair gently as I tried to calm down my body. I was still shaking, my insides screaming in silent protest. Had this all happened in a matter of a minute?

When I was positive I wouldn't wretch anymore, I pushed the pail away from me and pulled my legs to my chest. My lungs felt as if they were on fire. Taking in a deep, painful sigh, I looked back at Esme. Her face etched with worry as she looked me on. Her eyebrows were pulled down in the middle, her nose scrunched in pain.

Carlisle told me they didn't eat, so this must have been ten times worse for her than it was for me. I grimaced and tried to smile apologetically, but I started to cry instead. What was going on with me?

"Bella, honey," she cooed, her arms wrapping around me and pulling me into her lap.

"I don't know," I sobbed loudly. I was crying into her shoulder, wanting to relieve the stressful pain that was tormenting my body.

"Be calm, when the time is right you can decide."

"There is no right time!" I cried, looking up at her. "You said it yourself, Edward's in there – suffering – and changing. When he wakes up he won't be the same! He'll want to kill me, and that will only make things worse for him. If I stay here, I'll be his first meal, but if I – if I…" my voice trailed off and I was sobbing again.

"I know, I know," she murmured. Her body moved in a motion that soothed me. My eyes drooped a bit before I sat up, looking at the door where Edward was.

"I don't... know." I sniffled and looked back at Esme.

"It's complicated. Most people don't get the opportunity to decide. You should know, though." She looked at me wearily. "There are very few of our kind that enjoy what we are. Living off blood and the lust that comes with it isn't at all what most people would think it to be. Carlisle spent years upon years perfecting his control so that he could work around humans."

"Then won't Edward be like that? He'll be scared and alone and confused. Even if I do… do this, won't I be away from him when he's awake?"

"Yes, but it will be so much with two newborns to handle, it might be best for us to handle Edward for a day or two before you." She paused and looked at me sadly. "Tomorrow should be his last day to endure the process of the change; you'll need to decide by tonight. Your scent needs to be removed from the area."

Tonight… was that all the time I had to decide? My throat closed up a bit and I tried to swallow. My heart gave a loud thud before I thought over that meaning. Tonight I would have to decide. It should have been obvious… but it wasn't. I loved Edward, of course, but to have an eternity of blood lust and pain, always thinking back on the what ifs and the horrible memories...

I wouldn't be able to see my family anymore. I'd promised my mother that I'd come and visit her as soon as I left the hospital. The few letters I received from her were packed full of ideas, she wanted to come and see me. Charlie had no one to look after him, no one to keep him company.

I couldn't make amends with any of my friends. I wouldn't be able to say I was sorry about lashing out at Jacob or blowing off everyone when I was so depressed and stuck in my own little world.

I'd have to forever live with the image of Alice 's face staring me down in her room. The image of her blood soaked face eyes and accusatory expression that was all in my mind. Everyone I'd become close with was dead; I'd see their pale skin and sickly bodies in my head for the rest of my life.

But… I'd have something that meant more than life to me. I had promised only a few weeks ago that if it came down to it, I would gladly give up my life for Edward. No, there wasn't a doubt in my mind even as I thought about it now. The thought of my life being gone had always meant a different world, maybe heaven or hell or even just a life of a coma.

I wouldn't have to worry about not getting into heaven anymore; I could live forever out with the man that I loved. Carlisle would help us, he would be with us whenever we needed him, and Esme seemed like the perfect mother figure. Would it be possible to have a little happiness with this alternative?

They say time heals all wounds. Maybe, with all the time I'd have I could have all my wounds healed. It had been only a few months and Edward had sewn me up into a girl again, not just a shell.

I could manage the pain; it would be three days to trade away for an eternity. If it meant that I could be with Edward… I would gladly throw my life away.

"Esme?" I asked quietly.

"Yes, Bella?"

"When will Carlisle be back?"

"You're sure about this, Bella?" Carlisle placed a hand on my shoulder, soothing the tense muscle.

I nodded mutely; I hadn't spoken since I'd left Edward's room. His skin was harder when I kissed his cheek, he wasn't as warm anymore either. His features had become sharper, every muscle had definition.

Carlisle had taken me to a cabin in the woods about fifty miles away from the house. Esme had agreed to watch over Edward. The way her eyes darkened at the thought of my blood spilling gave me the hint that her control wasn't near Carlisle 's.

Carlisle pumped morphine into me. If I wasn't about to have his venom in me, I would probably die by nightfall. The morphine relaxed all my muscles, lulling me into a peaceful state. My eyelids slid shut just a bit; I could see Edward's face. He was smiling at me, and I couldn't help but smile back.

I felt Carlisle 's lips at my neck and I started. Before I could wriggle around or change my mind, his teeth pierced the skin. It felt like the razorblade on my wrist again, but this time the pain was magnified, like someone had rubbed it with salt a hundred times over.

The fire dulled a bit, being replaced by the morphine. I wondered briefly how long that would last before it burned up. Carlisle hoped it was enough for a day or two, but I could feel the pain slowly piercing through.

My jaw locked up and I closed my eyes tightly. I focused on Edward's face behind my lids instead of the pain. I could feel incisions in my wrists, moving over the many cuts. My ankles throbbed before I figured out that he was biting me, working from all angles.

I breathed in deeply through my nose to avoid the searing flames that swam through my veins. The morphine kicked in then, numbing me over, but somehow not dimming the pain any. My body just gave out, the pain still very present. I could feel it as I slipped into a morphine induced sleep.

My eyes were on fire, sending hot tears down my cheeks. My jaw had unlocked long ago, sending screams and whimpers out into the air. I couldn't control the writhing my body made. Carlisle was beside me the entire time, talking about anything that came to his mind.

It was on my suggestion that he did. I focused on his words, trying to decipher them. I heard Edward's name every now and then, always bringing back my focus. He always saved me from the depths of hell.

Waves crashed over me, molten lava trying to drag me under, but I focused, wanting to hear more. Carlisle was talking about Edward's progress. Esme was at home with him, bringing in deer and elk that happened to pass by.

"He's doing well, you would be proud." I tuned out, hearing the high shrieking in my ears that was my own voice. I opened my eyes and peered out at him. His eyes were sad, but he continued on. "He'll be going on his first hunt outside of the house today. Esme will be taking him, the animals are about to go into hibernation so they'll be easier to attack."

I zoned out, not being able to focus on anything but the searing pain in my lungs. I was drowning but I focused on keeping my head above water. I wasn't sure if the pain had intensified over time or not, but whatever distinction I thought of couldn't describe this. I could scream all I wanted but it wouldn't make things better.

I thought about little things to keep myself sane. I thought about Edward mostly. I imagined his face and his smile, his laugh and voice; I could see him grinning at me. I saw the way his eyes lit up when we talked, the way he would kiss me with gentle lips. I saw his expression as he rested above me, whispering sweet nothings as we rocked into oblivion.

I wanted to be with him for the rest of eternity to be able to share all of these things with him for all of time. I wanted to see all of his features and have them engrained in my head so that I never forgot the way his hair fell so perfectly in front of his emerald green eyes.

I imagined his face with amber eyes, maybe even red like the newborns. I could see his profile vaguely, the defining shape and the way he'd look older than he really was, and I couldn't see it very well.

This helped me through my time in the fiery depths of hell. I wanted to survive so that I could see him and be with him. We wouldn't have to worry about sleep, or eating or the mundane things that took away from our time together.

I'd never thought like this before. The thought of him now made my whole body light up with a fire of devotion instead of pain. I felt so much stronger for him now than before.

"…He asked about you before." I heard Carlisle 's voice speak, bringing me back up, forcing my deafening ears to perk up. "He asked where you were and if you were safe. He was in a near state of panic. I'm not surprised, though. Most mates can't stand to be away from another for more than an hour or two, especially when there was previous affection in the human life. All of our senses are multiplied…"

I fell out, my ears no longer able to hear. I had gone deaf. The pain strangled my ear drums and forced out horrible rhythms that made a scream escape my throat. Something cold touched my forehead, nursing me through the pain. My eyes opened, but all I saw was black.

I was losing myself. I couldn't think clearly anymore. I couldn't see or hear. I was becoming inanimate. Was this supposed to happen? I had always thought Edward heard me nursing him through. A disjointed rhythm caught my attention.

I could feel it throughout my body, overlapping the pain. Panic swelled in my chest as I felt the constricting pain. My hand went to my heart, my throat desperately gasped for air, trying to make it slow down.

It pounded to an extreme I had never before felt. My back arched as I felt the scream rise in my throat. As quickly as my heart had sped… it stopped.

I panicked quickly, my mind swirled around the possibilities, coming up with nothing. I tried to process it. Maybe it was a dream? I only now realized I'd stopped breathing, and had been for some time.

I could feel the pain seep slowly, creeping from my toes to my ankles, passing over each inch of flesh. Slowly it descended out of my body, all but a throbbing pain in the back of my throat. It was understandable. I had been screaming for three days straight, I wouldn't be surprised if my throat had been completely raw.

Every bone in my back cracked as the pain slowly left my body. The sickening sound made me wince; it was all too familiar. My body fell limp and I opened my eyes for the first time in three days without the pain.

I could see the dim light of a sixty watt light bulb, and each piece of dust that floated through the air. My eyes flittered to each object in the room, analyzing the patterns and materials.

"Good morning," I looked to my side; Carlisle was sitting there, his eyes fringed with red and a tired expression on his face. I sat up, much quicker than I had expected.

I looked him over, every feature became clearer. I could see the smooth skin of his face, the light burgundy that permeated his usually golden eyes. He smiled at me, allowing me to rudely look him over.

My eyes went to his right hand immediately. He had a thick, large thermos in his hand. My throat enflamed at the sight, painful pulsing and scraping itched me grab the damn thing from his hand. Carlisle , graciously, handed me the thermos and had the cap off in the same instant.

My lips were around the top in a second, not wasting any time in devouring the whole thing. I greedily swallowed the contents; the fire dulled a bit but didn't retreat. I had to have more; I could hear a steady pulse from the front of the cabin.

"There's a bear out front. It's sleeping at the moment." Carlisle murmured, his eyes moving to the door.

I was on my feet in an instant. The door was left open, probably best since I was ready to run right through it. A large grizzly bear was chained up to a tree, a large collar around its neck. I focused in on the steady pulse of blood.

My hands were around its neck in no time, crushing the femur and the windpipe quickly. I heard a short dry rasp before the bear dropped in my arms. My lips attached to the pulse point and I bit into it deeply. The fresh, warm and sweet flow of blood swam in my mouth. I wasted not one drop as I swallowed all of the warmth from its body.

The ache in my throat dulled considerably, but I still craved more. I pulled more, sucking it dry. I could feel the warmth pooling through my body. I liked the feeling more than I should have, but I was focused on the pain more than moral thinking.

I stepped away from the body and licked my lips, finding that I had not spilled a single drop. I heard a noise from behind me and turned. Carlisle was leaned up against the house.

"That should be enough to get back home. We can make the trip within sunrise." He took off running from the house; I followed along, right on his heels without a thought.

"To Edward?" I asked quickly, my body tingled at the thought of seeing him.

"Yes, and Esme. There's a lion two miles from here, we'll stop there, you'll need all you can get in this state."

I felt the flames lick at my throat at the mention of retaining more blood, but I kept my mind focused. Edward. I was going to see him again.

A/N: Slight cliffy, but the next chapter's complete so it honestly shouldn't be long.

Thank you all for your patience and kind words, this story is like my baby, and I love it unconditionally.

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