Disclaimer: I don't own Hey Arnold, or anything else that I've mentioned.
Summary: After waking up to a bizarre series of events, Helga finds herself back in Hillwood, after a 3 year absence, and just in time for her senior year of high school. But maybe a particular, lovable, football headed guy can make her return worthwhile. Oh, if things were only that simple, and with Helga and Arnold, they never are.
A/N: Okay, I've mentioned before, probably several times in this, that I loved the movies: The Hot Chick and Mean Girls when I was a teen. Even now, they're still a once a year watch for me. There is a party scene in the middle of this, and if you really want to appreciate Helga being ridiculous in the beginning of it, go to youtube and search Hot Chick Dance Scenes. After you read this, you'll know which one it is when you see it. It's just so...Helga. Lol.
Hordor would like Ice Cream.
Please.
It was early for him to be getting up. For a non-school day, during Christmas break anyway. And especially early considering he'd probably laid in bed half the night, staring at the ceiling with his mind speeding along at about a thousand miles an hour with about as equally as many thoughts bumper to bumper on those mental highways of his.
As he was dragging himself out of bed, he really felt like he had slept for five minutes. It's a coffee morning. He thought as he trudged down to the kitchen.
He and Helga had kissed under a wad of mistletoe as he was leaving the prior night. It had been a dare, after all. Or well, he was considering it a dare. Even though he had teased her about it, he had been entirely kidding. And there had been chanting, peer pressure, and a guy named Carl, so...it qualified as a dare in his book. Something was weird about it though. Not bad weird but...good weird. She'd kissed him back, although he was positive it had been a knee jerk reaction on her part and not something she had willingly intended to do.
Everything had been cool right after, she laughed, he laughed, everybody laughed, but there had been that brief second right after, where they had just locked eyes for a moment. A nano moment in the chaos were they both wordlessly agreed that everything made scary perfect sense with all that.
Or at least he thought she might have thought that too. Eh, who was he kidding. He was so brain muddled by it all he couldn't make heads or tails of anything.
"Shortman, what in the blue blazes is hanging off of your chest?" Arnold snapped out of his head, realizing that, his grandpa and all the other male boarders were sitting at the kitchen table. He saw Phil giving him an odd look and he looked down, noticing that he had nothing on but his pajama pants...and that that was the first time his family had seen his chest candy.
He sighed tiredly and reached for a fresh coffee cup, "They're nipple rings, grandpa."
Ernie could be heard snickering while his grandfather's face morphed into an even more confused state, "Nipple rings? Why would anybody want that?" Arnold opened his mouth to answer but was promptly cut off with Phil continuing, "Well, better hope they don't freeze off while were out chopping down the family Christmas tree today."
"If they do, we'll just hang them on the tree when we get home."
The young man groaned and slouched against the kitchen counter top, sighing in defeat. It was too early for this.
Two Days Later.
If Arnold thought he was having restless sleep, he needed to take a look at Helga's nocturnal tossing and turning and possibly reevaluate. Because she was absolutely in knots over that freakin' kiss too. Literally, part of her had thought seriously about tip toeing up the stairs of her house and firmly placing a pillow over Owen's face...and just...holding it there.
Until he was no more.
The problem with that would be it would make her a murderer, and her sister a widow...but mostly just a murderer. The thing is, she knew that he knew what he was doing when he put it there. She didn't know how, but he was always one step ahead of her. Like he thought he was going to play match maker in his own weird little way. Jeez, why did she have to be blessed with a brother-in-law that was a better evil sibling than her own sister could have ever been?
But that kiss though. She'd loved every micro-second of it. And she hated that she did! Because he had a girlfriend! And he was terrible under pressure! And she knew it didn't mean anything to him. Though, a tiny part of her knew that that wasn't entirely true. There was something there, she thought she saw it in his eyes. That wowed look of realizing that, the way you've been going about things was just all wrong because you finally found something that made sense.
Sure, Helga. Whatever you say.
Crimeny, she didn't want to have feelings for him again. That was a rabbit hole that she'd been very successful at climbing her way out of and had been happier for it. Un-reciprocated infatuation was torture. And she would know, since she'd spent a few adolescent years infatuated with him before. It was something she'd been teetering on the brink of again since they had gotten a little real on the floor after the Halloween party.
These were the things that her mind toiled over the day after and her entire flight back to Virginia, and after successfully thinking herself into twenty seven different circles, she decided to not let it ruin her break.
She was over it...for now. And she was sure that spending a little time away, and more importantly, some time with Jaime would nip this internal typhoon in the bud.
Helga walked out of the airport, towing her suitcase, looking up just in time to see her two friends skipping comically towards her. Goofballs. "It's the Helga-nator!"
The blonde flipped her shades on, "I'm bock mother truckers!" She announced and held her arms out. She, Teegan and Nikki circled around in a group hug before agreeing that continuing to stand out in the snow was a stupid idea. The trio scurried off to Teegan's SUV where they loaded up Helga's things and headed towards the suburbs.
Nikki turned around in her seat, "So, are you still hating Hillwood?"
Helga snorted, "It's not so bad anymore. Now that I don't have that stupid cast on."
"How crazy is that? Dude just runs you over like that. What a bloody idiot," Teegan remarked with her classy little British accent.
"Hey, he's not that bad. We're actually good friends now." Friend-zoned. Burn. Shut up.
"Friends huh?" Nikki wagged her eyebrows, and Helga leaned forward and shoved her.
"Friends, Guttermind. I am capable of that you know," Helga taunted back, "Speaking of which, Teegan, where is your brother at? I'm surprised he didn't come with," She asked, referring to Jaime.
"That would be because he flew in from London last night. He was visiting Grandmother."
"Ah, to grandmother's house he went," She sat back in the seat, "Alright, so fill me in. Has everything degenerated into chaos without me as I suspected it would?"
Nikki turned back around, "So...remember Christie Boner?" Helga nodded, "Well, homegirl got expelled from school for getting caught snorting xanax—"
"—Well, that escalated quickly."
"Off of that hot gym teacher that started junior year's—"
"—Okay then," She clapped her hands together, "Disgusting...but also impressive," Helga trailed off in amusement to herself, eventually looking up to see Teegan in the rear view with a curiously raised eyebrow, "I mean if you think about the balance required to pull off such a feat."
"True..."
"So, any rumors about me?"
Nikki snorted but Teegan responded with, "Only that you're in the witness protection on the west coast for some gangsta-ness."
Helga smirked, and proudly nodded, "Nice. I like it. Oh! Hey, swing by my house...I want to see if they've like...torn it down."
"Torn it down? Why would they do that? It's a nice house."
"I have this theory that my parent's were making meth...even though I have absolutely no proof of it."
"Uh huh..." Nikki comically thinned her eyes at her friend. "You're mom was terrible at cooking. Like unrealistically terrible."
Helga's face lit up, "Right?!" She held her arm with an open hand out, "See! It all makes sense!"
Teegan had turned off into Helga's old neighborhood as her two friends were still elaborately chatting about the schematics of Miriam Pataki's life of crime and her potentially being a real life Walter White. They both ceased their chatting when they drove by Helga's still abandoned old house, complete with her car still sitting in the driveway. Only, a little different than the way she'd left it. For now it had some very inappropriate messages scribbled all over it with car chalk marker.
Helga tipped an eyebrow, amused like and began reading, "Helga Pataki can go suck..." Her eyes narrowed, "Noodleman."
"Claire? How do you know she did that," Nikki asked.
"Oh, I uh...I may have called her parents right before I left and pretended to be the doctor's office with her STD results."
"Wow..."
"Homegirl did a doughnut in my yard and my dad blamed me for it—You know what, drive to her house!"
Teegan sighed boredly, "Really?"
"It's just one street over."
"I'm amazed that you two still have this duel going. I admire the the spirit though. Most people would have given up sixty-seven pranks ago," Teegan turned her SUV around in the cul-de-sac and drove the one street over in the neighborhood and pulled to the curb at the house that Helga had instructed her to. The blonde hurriedly got out the car and trudged through the snow to stand in the front yard before shouting, "Hey! Noodleman! I know you're in there!"
Sure enough, shortly after she yelled at the house, the upstairs window pushed open and a very perturbed short haired, dirty blonde Claire Noodleman hung her upper body out, with her hands planted on the window pane, "Pataki..." She uttered.
"I saw what you did to my car," Helga perched her hands on her hips.
"Yeah, and?"
"Well played."
Claire snorted, "You back for good?"
"Just visiting. You coming to the party tomorrow?"
"Yep."
"Good. It's back on."
"See you in hell, Pataki." She said and then tried to dramatically shut the window, but it got a little stuck as she tried to shove it closed.
Helga gave her the chopped, stiff arm gesture and walked back to the car, getting inside to the bemused stares of her two best friends, "What?"
The Next Night.
Helga stood on the balcony looking through her sunglasses at her friend's massive downstairs. The party was in full swing, and mullets galore! And it was packed. Success! She wasn't going to lie, she was pretty proud of her own wind blown, blonde mullet wig and classic 80's apparel to accompany it with. She'd been sure to text Phoebe a picture of herself, just to rub it in.
One, 'I hate you,' text later and she was on top of the world.
So when Derek dropped an oldie but a goodie on the vinyl, she couldn't help but want to move. She strutted her way down the grand staircase, past the people loitering in conversation against the railing, backing her booty up on some people at the base and then shimmy-ing through the rest of the crowd to get to the 'bar.' She danced up to the counter and coolly flipped of her shades, and folded them into her shirt collar, grabbing one of the red solo cups that was out and already filled with cheap beer and taking a hefty few gulps. Got to loosen up for the night!
"Whoa, is the queen of Egypt planning a return tonight?" Jaime said, strolling up beside her, decked out in his redneck attire. A British redneck, now that was a sight, "Because it might be a bit hard to get those trousers on your head," He finished with a smirk and a chuckle.
Helga feigned him an unamused stare, "No. There will be no repeat of that. Ever."
"Oh, I don't know," He draped his arm over her shoulder, "There was something kind of endearing about it. Once you got past the dancing."
"Hey now, drunk me thought I was moving it like Lady Gaga," She stated, and as the pair were walking away from the bar, she caught a glimpse of her arch nemesis chatting up some kids from school by the fireplace. But more importantly, she saw said nemesis sit her red solo cup down on a corner table as she got animated in conversation. "Hold on a second," She said, extracting herself from Jaime, but leaving her beer in his custody, "I've got somebody I need to go sabotage."
Jaime chuckled while playfully rolling her eyes, and then shooing her away. Helga slithered through the maze of people all around, already having reached in her pocket for the item she intended to pay Claire back with. She sneaked around the couch that they were standing near, making sure they were all looking away before plopping the thing in her beer, evilly laughing—on the inside of course—and then slinking off like the sly fox that she was.
She returned to her male counter part with a satisfied expression marring her face, successfully soliciting a raised brow from him, "What did you do?"
"You'll find out. Now we just play the waiting game," Helga rubbed her hands together like a cartoon villain before taking her beverage back.
"Well, in the meantime. Let's go mingle, yeah?" He shimmied his shoulders and held out his hand for her to take, which she did and the pair dove into the vast sea of people.
Fourth-five minutes later, while Helga and Jaime were in mid conversation with some people that he knew, she felt a tap on her shoulder. When she turned she saw a very dejected Claire, glaring at her with swollen duck lips that looked like she'd had some bad plastic surgery. Like real bad. Helga had to catch herself from bursting out laughing on the spot.
"Impressive prank, Pataki" She growled. "You knew this would make me look like Janice Dickinson," She said, referring to her mild allergy that she knew Helga was well aware of.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Really?"
"Yup."
"A cashew in my beer."
"What? Who would do such a thing?"
Claire held up the cashew, "With the very tiny intials 'HP' carved into both sides of it," She pointed to the nut. "Who does that?!"
Helga swallowed and then held her arms out wide and popped her head from side to side, "Boom."
"You're nuts, you know that?"
"I mean..." Helga trailed off with a chuckle.
"Yes, the pun was intended!" Claire pointed to her, "Sleep with one eye open."
"Bring it."
"I will. Don't you worry," The other girl said and backed into the crowd around them, as if she were stealthily disappearing into the night.
"I can still see you!"
The Following Morning.
It was a God awful noise. God awful to wake up to anyway. Helga shot up from her slumber, wide eyed and panicked, only to see a four piece mariachi band standing at the foot of the bed. She looked around, not seeing Jaime anywhere. Nobody, but this band that quickly stopped playing and began smiling super cheesy like at her. "Senorita Helga! We serenade you. All day!" The leader of the band proudly declared.
As they went to start playing again, Helga lunged forward onto her knees, and motioned for them to stop with her hands, "Wait, wait, wait! Who sent you here?!"
The mustached man gave her another toothy smile, "Oh, Senorita Claire."
Helga's eyes immediately narrowed and she looked off while uttering, "Noodleman..." The band began playing again, leaving her to flee from the room in a hurried pace, which did absolutely no good, because they followed her.
Crimeny! Girl didn't play.
She stomped down the stairs and through the main living room, seeing a few people still asleep on couches. Well, they weren't going to be after this band plowed through behind her. Ole'! Sorry peeps! She didn't see Teegan or Nikki anywhere, but she knew where they might be if not still asleep. She walked to the very back of the house and into the indoor pool, indeed seeing her two friends sitting on the beach chairs drinking mimosas.
Marching across the expanse, both her friends had already started rolling in their chairs they were laughing so hard. Helga stopped in front of them and crossed her arms with a huff. "Noodleman?" Teegan asked.
"Noodleman..." Helga seethed with a nod, cutting an annoyed glance at the band, playing away beside her.
"She's good."
"Too good."
"You've created a monster."
"I seem to be an expert at that as of late," Helga begrudgingly agreed.
"Yeah, she definitely got you good this time," Nikki agreed with a snort.
Helga rolled her eyes, "I'm going to go find some food," Helga sighed and turned, walking through the foursome and them quickly trailing behind her like puppy dogs. She walked back into the house and made her way to the kitchen. When she walked through the door, she saw Jaime leaning against the counter, washing down a glass of orange juice.
He stared at her. She stared at him. The band jovially played behind her.
"I'm not even going to ask," He declared, looking like he was trying to fight laughter.
Helga tightly smiled and rapidly nodded.
Hillwood.
Arnold was laying in his bed that night, scrolling through his Facebook feed while Steve laid beside him, grooming his bushy little tail. As he was flicking along, he saw quite a few new photos get uploaded to Helga's page. It warranted an eyebrow quirk from him as he clicked into the gallery, first seeing a selfie with her looking comically shocked and a mariachi band in the back ground. Interesting.
The next were the latest party. Everybody had mullets, and Helga being Helga, she of course had the 80's rocker flare mullet. "A mullet party? That's cool," He jealously mused and Steve paused on his tail grooming to look at the screen, "Do these kids have parents? That are ever home?" He paused before noting, "They all look like they're mid twenty year olds pretending to be high schoolers in a 90's movie." Steve chattered and Arnold nodded in agreement, "Yes, exactly like the movie 'She's All That'."
He finished flipping through all the party pictures, realizing there was a video at the end. She did like mini-vids, for sure. Somebody else was holding her phone, because she was in it, with a group of other people, all swaying with their arms draped over each others shoulders like they were at a football game and singing together, "Cutting it short on top! I want that for me! Growing it long in the back! So savage and so free!" He assumed they were singing along to some song or whatever. The view point then spun around to who was holding the phone which was...Jaime. He was red faced and laughing hysterically before the phone got removed from him.
He remained the focus. Him in his sleeveless Budweiser, redneck tee shirt and his terrible black jeans. God, it was prefect mullet attire. Arnold jealously thinned his eyes as he continued watching. He heard Helga say something, but he couldn't make it out, but Jaime replied with, "Oi! You think that's funny, yeah?" Beaming widely with a glaringly British accent, "I'll make you go uh, uh, oh, all night long."
Arnold's eyes narrowed even further, and he was sure his expression had fallen into resting bitch face. He saw Helga's arm reach out and smack Jaime before the video cut out. The boy grumbled a bit to himself and moused up to click on Jaime's post tag.
"Jaime, Jaime, Jaime..." His page loaded, "Jaime Watson..." Yep, he was totally facebook stalking Helga's boy toy. Nothing at all odd about that. He wasn't sizing him up or anything. He was just curious. Yep, that was all it was. Totally fine. He began flipping through the boy's various albums, seeing him on yachts, in fancy restaurants, and at the beach constantly...and, jeez, this dude had an album called, 'Speed' filled with nothing but sports cars of the exceptionally expensive variety and driving them on race tracks. "So he's her friend's older brother, he's British, the life of a party and rich? That's like every girls dream guy. How am I suppose to compete with that?" He absently said aloud, looking very disgruntled. That was when Steve perked up, and Arnold, realizing what had just popped out of his mouth, quickly snapped his laptop closed with enormous eyes.
Steve squeaked, but Arnold only threw him an newly unconcerned look, reopening his laptop, but choosing to exit out of that page and open up a cooking blog he liked, "It's just a figure of speech, alright?" He insisted, but his squirrel chattered back at him. "It is. What I meant was, if she decides that she wants to get with him permanently, that means she's going to move back across the country, and we'll probably never see her again."
Steve squeaked and Arnold gave him a pointed look, "Or worse, she'll take you with her and I'll never see you or her again." His pet gasped with a squeak, "See! All I'm saying is that it would be in our best interest for her to find a similar guy here." If squirrels could laugh, Steve would have been doing so in between his back chattering. Arnold finally rolled his eyes, "I'm not jealous of—What am I doing? I'm arguing with a squirrel..."
Virginia. Days later.
Across the country, Helga was laying in bed, finding it almost impossible to sleep, again. And on top of her bout of...exercise that night too. Which was so unlike her. Seriously. She slept like a rock no matter what, but especially after some sexy time. But there it was, a little past 2:00am in the morning, and her stomach was in knots while she was tossing and turning. She seemed to be doing a whole lot of that as of late. And the light little bit of snoring on the other side of the bed was a hundred percent of the reason why. At least partially.
Jaime.
But all she could still think about was Arnold.
It sucked. It absolutely, positively, without question, sucked.
Really? You're whining about which great guy you want most? Get a grip. First world probs much?
Shut. Up.
Honestly, this is why we can't have nice things.
Zip it! She huffed in frustration. Her mind was gabbing, her stomach was twisting, and her heart was being contorted somewhere in the middle of all that. In the midst of everything, she finally rolled over to the edge of the bed and grabbed her phone off of his bedside table. She felt bad for potentially waking up her friend but...they were on Christmas break so...chances were high that Phoebe probably was still awake. It was only like...what? Midnight in Hillwood?
She texted, 'I miss him. :-/' To her friend and just waited. Hoping that she'd get a response.
To her relief, Phoebe replied back a few minutes later, 'Ice cream or cheese cake?'
Helga lightly rolled her eyes, 'Ice cream.' Did she think she typoed present tense? The heck?
'Cheese cake not do it for you?' Their code word for Jaime. Why the heck was every guy in her life, that she was romantically interested in referred to as a dessert item?
Actually...nevermind.
'No. Keep thinking about ice cream.'
'I see.'
'We kissed before I left.'
'Okay, you failed to mention THAT! Explain. Now.'
'Sorry. I mean, it's not a big deal. Really. Owen had mistletoe hanging at their Christmas party and we just kind of...got caught up underneath it.'
'What did IC say?'
Helga sighed. Quite frankly, she hated long conversations via text, but she couldn't exactly call Phoebe right then and there. 'Nothing! He didn't say anything about it, and neither did I. But...he didn't act like he hated it.'
'That's a positive.'
'Like he WOULD though.'
'Well, crazy idea (not) but...why don't you talk to him and tell him how you feel?'
'You mean, open Pandora's box and ruin a good friendship. I'd rather eat strawberries.'
'So, you're just going to let this fester into a mental illness then?'
'Funny. One word: Lila.'
'It doesn't mean that he isn't having feelings for you too. It shouldn't be that way, but sometimes things aren't black and white.'
'I realize that.' Helga replied. Ticking her thumbs for a second before biting her lip and quickly sending, 'I just don't know if I want to go through this again is all.'
'This is nothing like last time.'
'How so? Me getting stupidly attached, wishing he'd feel the same way? Seems pretty IDENTICAL to me.'
'You two are together almost every waking moment! How is that ANYTHING like before? Honestly from an outsiders POV, the amount of time that you two spend together, by yourselves, is ODD considering you aren't together.'
'Yeah...'
'He likes you.'
'...as a friend.'
'You're impossible.'
Christmas Day.
Dinner had been eaten, presents exchanged which left Helga lounging on the couch in Teegan's house, aka: her hotel for the break, while Jaime was out in the garage doing something to a new sports car of his, and her friend was still on a skype chat with Grandma England. She was spending her own time doing some mindless scrolling on her phone—Yes, Buzzfeed, of course I want to find out what kind of sandwich I am. And of course, everybody and their brother felt the need to post their generic 'Merry Christmas' all over social media.
She thought it were ridiculous...but then again she thought a lot of things were ridiculous. It did, however, make her think about Arnold, and how his Christmas day was going. He'd made not a peep to her the entire time she'd been away, and she wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
Probably a bad thing.
But...maybe she should send him a text. A cautionary text. Just a simple Merry Christmas to see what happened. Or...perhaps you just leave the guy alone? You've got cheese cake right outside.
Helga rolled her eyes and flipped over to her messages and typed a quick, 'Merry Christmas!' with a Santa emoji. No emoji! Lame! She deleted the emoji and sent it with a suddenly pounding heart that made her feel too hot inside.
Then she waited, and waited, feeling the dread beginning to pool in the pit of her stomach, despite trying to assure herself that he was probably just busy with his family and hadn't even seen it.
But finally...
'Merry Christmas! What's up?'
Helga cracked a smile, 'Nothing much. Just chilling. Haven't heard from you.'
'Yeah, I know. Didn't really want to bother you is all.'
'Eh, you're never bothering me.' Errr...that sounded...bleh. She quickly texted, 'You having a good Christmas? Santa bring you everything you wanted? ;-)'
'Lol. Mostly. No bags of coal.'
'Shocking! I thought for sure you'd been bad enough for at least a pocket full.'
'Hey! I'm a good boy!'
'Suuuurrrreee.'
'Hahaha. Honestly my favorite thing I've gotten is the 311 tickets. It was kind of hard to top those.'
'Well, hey, making dreams come true is how I roll. Lol.'
'What about you? Having a good Christmas?'
'Yup. Got my usual shipment of coal for the year.'
'A whole sleigh full then?'
'Haha...yeah. I use it to fuel my unyielding sarcasm the rest of the year.'
'LOL. It all makes sense now.'
End of December.
Helga didn't want to leave Virginia, and her reasons were plenty. She hated to leave her friends. AGAIN. And she also dreaded having to go back to Hillwood and face a possible awkward co-habitation with Arnold. She knew one thing. She wouldn't be taking any of Phoebe's advice that was for sure. She couldn't out herself like that! There was no way she could afford to take a chance like that. God bless Phoebe and all, but she had no idea what she was talking about in this particular situation. None. Not a clue.
If she strolled up to him and told him how hard she was starting to crush—crush? Are we in middle school again? You know what, whatever, keep keeping it real
—he'd trip over himself running for the hills like murder victims did in horror movie. Like where they were so frightened they seemed to just...fall over a twig or something? Yeah that.
Hopefully he wouldn't still be thinking anything of their kiss. Then again, hopefully she wouldn't go all fifth-degree awkward on him if he breathed on her or something. She just had to play it cool. Nothing had changed! Technically. They were friends before, they were friends after. He was still liking her facebook post and texting her so that meant everything was good. Right?
Yes. Of course it did. They were Helga and Arnold. Friends. Good Friends. Great friends. The friendiest friends in all of friendom.
Dear God...She groaned and placed her head against the plane's window.
She'd only been back home for a couple days when she was back to work. Owen certainly didn't believe in jet lag, or he would have let her chill for a few more days. But no. Oh no. She was back in the restaurant where she knew, one hundred percent, that Arnold would be too because Owen always scheduled them together. Helga could swear that he got his enjoyment out of watching her writhe. Oh who was she kidding? She knew he did!
She was extremely surprised when, while standing in the kitchen, munching on a piece of buttered bread, a pair of arms wrapped around her from behind and lifted her up off the ground, lightly squeezing her. It could have only been one person in that building. "You came back, just like a lost dog." He teased and sat her back down.
Helga spun around, throwing Arnold a cool smirk, "Bow wow. Well, hey you. Missed me that much I guess."
"Everything's been pretty boring without you," He admitted with a grin, "You had some fun I saw."
"You would know. You're my number one Facebook stalker right?" She snorted.
"You know it," He crossed his arms, still grinning, "So, do me a favor huh? Next time you decide to throw another cool themed party, invite me."
"Look at you. You go to one insane Halloween party and now you're a party animal," She started laughing.
"And that was the best Halloween party Rhonda has ever thrown."
"What can I say, good things happen when I'm involved," She coolly held up her hand and glanced at her nail. "Well if it's on the east coast, you'll have to figure out that one, Bro Man."
"I'll sneak into your luggage."
"Oh, okay. I'm sure you'll fit great in my carry on," She chortled once more and leaned back against the stainless steel prep counter, still peering at him, "So, have you been holding down the shenanigan fort in this place with me gone?"
Arnold cracked a lopsided grin, "Uh, it's a little bit harder for me, I don't see the public. Generally."
"Yeah, yeah. So what you want to do tonight? I've been around Brits for like...three weeks, so I'm thinking about pretending I'm British to all my tables."
He nodded, "Yes. And make it totally overdone."
Helga snapped her fingers that went into an index point at him, as she winked, "'Ello governor! Would you fancy a bit of refreshment to start off?"
"That was terrible...do it!"
January.
Well, that went to hell in a hand basket.
"Okay, so...I just remembered that I've got to help Gerald with something," Arnold said, trying to extract himself from her bed as quickly as possible without seeming weird. Something bad had happened. Something...
...God he felt like a douchebag. A real douchebag. And he couldn't get out of there fast enough, which made him feel even more like a too, because he wasn't the bone and fly type. He was a total cuddler after sex. Normally. Heck, he was a cuddler period. But...gah! He yanked his pants back on and was busy attempting to quickly tie his shoes, sitting on the edge of her bed, when he felt Lila slide up behind him, kissing him on the back of the neck. He reflexively recoiled away from her, jumping up from the bed. "Are you okay?" She asked, giving him a mildly aggravated stare.
He looked at her, rubbing the back of his neck while nervously laughing, "Uh, yeah...I just...like I said, I forget that I had that thing to do for my grandpa," He hastily repeated.
"I thought you said Gerald?"
Arnold's eyes widened as his mouth parted, "Uh...yeah...Gerald, and my grandpa," He gestured into the air, "It's this thing. That we sometimes do. On Wednesday nights. Okay bye!" He said and hurried out of her door, practically rolling down her grand staircase, barreling out of her house and into the sanctity of his car where he practically shouted, "What was that all about?!" to himself. Whoa, buddy. You nearly got yourself busted.
He wasn't even sure what had happened. Okay, yes he was aware of what had happened, but it just kind of...came out of left field for him. One minute he'd been trying to feign off Lila's advances, because he really wasn't in the mood, getting roped into...the deed anyway, mostly to shut her up, and while trying to make the best of something he didn't really feel like doing in the first place, here comes Helga, popping up in his mind and doing just the trick. Good lord did she do the trick...
Oh boy...
You're an animal you know that? Thinking about her that way. "I know..." He groaned aloud. "I'm sure...other guys think about...other girls while they're with their girlfriends too," He tried to reason with himself, though he probably sounded insane talking to himself that way. Oh I'm sure. But it's probably a super model. Not their best friend who happens to be a girl! "It's fine...it's cool. It was a one time thing and I was desperate and...she's the only other constant female in my life and...so, yeah."
Friday Night.
Alright something was off. Incredibly off. She'd been at the restaurant for over two hours and Arnold hadn't said a word to her. Hadn't come out of the kitchen once to talk to her, and when she was back there, he seemed to purposefully find a reason to be on the opposite side so they couldn't cross paths.
Helga had kept an eye on him most of the night, trying to figure out if he was sick or...had finally come to his senses, or...worse, was being threatened by the former business partners of her parent's meth manufacturing scheme until she gave up their whereabouts. She'd get home that night and as she walked through the door, the corner light would flip on, revealing a guy who went by 'The Cheeseman', sitting in the recliner, tapping his finger tips together, while drawling, "Well, well, well..." And then dramatically folding down the leg rest.
Arnold, blink once if you're in trouble!
Okay...you need to chill out...
Helga sighed as she walked up to one of her tables that had just been seated by the hostess, putting on a cheery face, "Good evening guys. My names Helga, I'll be your waitress tonight. Can I start you guys off with—"
"Hey, weren't you British last week?" The man skeptically stared at her.
Her eyes slightly widened and she glanced around for a millisecond before squinting back at him, "Oi...two glasses of white wine, on the house, then! Right-O!" She hurriedly scampered off to the bar to get them to start prepping that for her. While that was happening she peeked into the kitchen, seeing Arnold busy doing something. She was actively searching for a good way to corner him and confront him. And that sounded a little obsessive. Do you want him to put the lotion on the skin too?
Zip it!
She dropped the wine off, took their orders and then proceeded to trail Arnold into the far end of the kitchen to retrieve some supplies or whatever. As he was turning around she crossed her arms and said, "Are you avoiding me?"
Arnold jumped, surprised to see her standing right behind him. "Jeez! How are you that quiet?" He scolded, clutching his chest in fright.
Helga rolled her eyes, "Well duh, when you're trying to corner somebody, typically you don't want them to hear you coming. So what's up? You haven't spoken to me all night. What gives?" She immediately hoped she didn't come off as being needy. Ah, crap...she probably just sounded weird and needy. Good job Helga, good job. I warned you...
Arnold swallowed. He feared that his unintentional cold shoulder wouldn't go unnoticed to her. And it hadn't. Especially at work. He couldn't tell her the truth though! Because the truth was, since his little...incident with Lila the other day, he was having a real hard time looking at Helga the same way. Or in anyway that was strictly platonic. For the time being anyway. And so he was just trying his best to stay away from her until it all blew over. Because all he could see was...not just his friend but, his friend...whom he'd imagined doing some very naughty things to him...and he just couldn't.
It just felt so wrong for him to be thinking about her that way. And he'd felt even worse about getting a lot of pleasure out of thinking about her that way too.
Just shoot me please. He mentally groaned.
He finally reached up and ran his hand over his head a few times before letting go of the breath he'd been holding in, "Okay, this is going to sound a little weird but: I had a dream about you the other night and you were trying to kill me and it was incredibly vivid so I'm just feeling a little...eh, about you right now because of it," He lied, "I'm sorry...I am, but I can't help it. It's nothing personal and I'm sure I'll be A-okay by tomorrow."
Helga snorted, dropping her arms and looking off with a smile, "I had one of those about my friend Nikki once," She looked back at him, "Weirdest thing ever."
"Yeah," Arnold agreed, nodding his head with a small forced smile. "Wild stuff."
"I couldn't be around her for a day either," She admitted and then shrugged, "All right, I'll leave you alone then," Turning she began to walk off before calling over her shoulder, "Let me know when I'm not Ted Bundy anymore!" She teased.
Arnold was not A-okay by the following day.
Thankfully he didn't have to see her on Saturday until later in the evening at work. Maybe he could put on a happy, non-awkward face by then. Hopefully. In the mean time, he was absolutely going crazy. So when Gerald invited him to go shoot some hoops at the indoor community basketball court that mid-morning, he was more than eager to go blow off the steam, figuring it might help clear his head and get a grip on himself.
They played a pick up game with some other kids for awhile and then found themselves just shooting hoops alone. Arnold, finding himself spending much of the time mulling over whether to illicit some advice from his best friend. He was almost too embarrassed to even bother bringing it up, but his stormy like insides got the better of him. Gerald had just swooshed a two pointer when Arnold, hands perched on his hips in windedness, walked up beside him and said, "Hey, uh...can we talk for a second? I've got a serious question."
Gerald looked over at him and nodded, pulling his shirt up and wiping the sweat from his face, "Yeah. What's up?"
"You better not tell anybody why I'm asking either," Arnold lifted his brow and pointed at the boy.
Gerald rolled his eyes and dramatically looked off, "Damn bro, you coming out or something?" He chuckled as he went and retrieved his ball.
The blonde rolled his eyes, "I'm serious."
"Okay..."
"Do you ever...fantasize about...other girls while you and Phoebe are...you know..." He gestured in a way the suggested Gerald fill in the blanks himself because he wasn't going to say it.
His friend slowly turned towards the blonde with an eyebrow raised way high, walking back to him, "What?"
"I'm asking."
"No. Nah, man. She's 100 percent enough for me." At that, Arnold had shifted into that 'crap, now what do I do,' face which made his friend sigh, and pull out the bro card, "I almost wish I weren't required to ask, but...why?"
"Well, the other day, Lila and I were boning and, I really wasn't that into it. Anyway...after awhile I find myself...thinking about...Helga, and I get really carried away with that, and I mean: Really. Carried. Away. To the point where I'm about to...you know, and her name is about to come flying out of my mouth so I have to catch myself and...I'm on my back so I can't dive bomb into a pillow so I kind of just yell, 'He—ordor!' instead," He finished, really sounding like he was on edge about the whole thing. Um...because he was!
"You want to tap Pataki? And not with your car," Gerald snorted, and then doubled over, having himself a good long laugh, "Man, oh man that is golden," He finally said, wiping a few tears from his eyes.
Arnold huffed, blushing just slightly while rolling his eyes in annoyance, "Are you done?"
"No!" Gerald burst into a second bought of laughter as his friend crossed his arms and waited. Grabbing his sides, he took a deep breath and finally continued, "Okay...okay I'm done. Oh bro...I needed that. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile."
"You're welcome...I guess."
"On top of that, Lila probably thinks you were having some sort of wack Game of Thrones fantasy."
Arnold scoffed, "Dany is pretty smoking hot though."
Gerald deadpanned, "You said hordor!" He laughed again, "But! You wanted to say Helga. Because you've got the hots for Pataki. I knew it."
"I wouldn't say hots..."
Gerald held both arms out, palms up in a gesture of perplexity. "Dude."
"Look, my head is all a mess right now," Arnold sighed, running his hands through his hair. "I don't know what I'm feeling."
"Really? You don't know what you're feeling? Bro, you're sexing up your girl, but thinking about Helga to get your rocks off. What about that doesn't suggest that you have at least thought about tapping her?"
"I don't think I've consciously had the thought," Arnold countered.
Gerald gave him a flat look, straightening his hands, and gesturing slightly to the left, "Banging Lila," He then gestured slightly to right, "While thinking about Helga," He was trying to make it as clear as day to his friend. Which was harder than it should have been.
"I mean, yeah, I've definitely checked her out a few times. I'm a guy," He then thought about how he had tried to bone her when he was drunk on Halloween.
His friend thinned his eyes, "Man, you want to get with Helga! End of story."
And with that thought settling in his mind he sighed, "I guess maybe it's just because I'm around her non-stop. And that inner primal urge to...just be a savage is getting a little...loud."
Gerald snorted, always impressed by his friends ability to sugar coat the nitty gritty, "So, what now? You going to go ask Lila for a hall pass to get it out of your system?"
Arnold shot him disgusted look, and shook his head, "I could never do that to either of them. Helga's like...my other best friend and...I'm just being a guy."
His friend momentarily frowned, "And you don't think that's odd either?" What Gerald was suddenly thinking warranted being brought up. If Arnold was going to mention it in the first place anyway.
"What? That deep down, I apparently want to bone her? So much so that I was wishing she were Lila? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you!"
Gerald rolled his own eyes as his thick headed friend had begun to answer his own questions, "That she's your other best friend! You know who my other best friend is?" Arnold blinked at him, "Phoebe. You want to know why? Because she's my girl, and I love being with her all the time. Lila is your girl, but isn't your other best friend. Helga is."
"It's not like I planned that. Helga just...gets me. And...I don't know, I guess I get her too. We just...mesh well I think."
This was going nowhere. "Alright, you want some serious, opinionated advice?" Gerald finally just came out and asked.
Arnold cast him a bored face, "Yeah, it's basically the whole reason I told you about this."
"Maybe the reason why you're thinking about Helga while you're with Lila, is your inner self's way of telling you that you're with the wrong girl."
Friday Afternoon.
"Maybe the reason why you're thinking about Helga while you're with Lila, is your inner self's way of telling you that you're with the wrong girl."
Gerald's voice just kept echoing around in his head. For days this went on until finally, while so lost in his mental battle, he broke down in the middle of class and snapped a pencil in his hand because he was squeezing it so hard. The snap might as well have been a gunshot because it felt like the entire classroom turned around and looked at him. He quickly tossed his peers one of his famous smiles and ducked his head back down to his notebook.
He had to get out of there.
No, not the classroom. Out of his relationship with Lila. While he may not have been quite ready to consciously admit to himself that it was because he was coming down with a bad case of the Helga, he knew that Lila wasn't going to be the cure for him anymore. He and Lila didn't make sense. He could see that now. He could also see that being with her didn't make him even remotely happy anymore. And he wasn't about to be one of those couples that just went through the motions for the sake of living up to what was expected of by their peers.
They were one of the couples at P.S. 120. Not anymore.
He nodded his head to himself. He was breaking up with her, and as soon as possible. End of story.
Like, that afternoon as soon as possible, in fact.
Oh boy. He could already feel the hot sweats just thinking about it, but holy moly did he already feel better just knowing he was going to be free of her soon. Ugh, and that made him feel bad too. Lila wasn't a bad person...she was a much changed person, but he didn't think there was anything wrong with her. She was just wrong for him.
He went through the rest of the afternoon, coming up with a million ways he was going to break it off with her. It almost felt like he was planning a murder, as weird as that may have sounded, but he finally just settled on the easiest method. Face to Face. He texted her right after school got out, and told her he would be stopping by her house an hour from then. There was a lot of dread about knowing that he was probably going to ruin her Friday night. Possibly even entire weekend. Especially since he and Helga were about to have a fantastic Saturday night at the Iration concert.
Now that thought gave him a warm bubbly feeling inside.
Arnold pushed it to the back of his mind. It was what it was. There would never be a good time.
An hour was ten minutes when one dreaded having to do something. It went by quick, and next thing he knew, he was at her house, with his heart pounding out of his chest as he was walking with her up to her bedroom. Once inside, he closed the door behind them and she turned and gave him a quirked brow and asked, "So, what's on your mind?"
He felt his mind go all jumbly and his mouth turn into a desert. God was he ever terrible under pressure. Snap out of it, and get it over with! Arnold blinked and shook his head, peering at the floor, "Look, Lila I...uh..." He picked his head up and gave her a resolute look, "I'm calling us quits."
She didn't have any immediate reaction, though her face did look taken-aback. She slowly nodded, "You're breaking up with me."
"Yeah," He nodded too, "I am."
"Because of H—"
"—Don't even. Please?" He cut her off, more harshly than he'd intended. "Can this be about me? And what I want?"
Lila thinned her eyes at him, "You want her."
Arnold had to fight an eye roll, "Lila, I'm breaking up with you because I don't think we make sense together and I'm not happy with you anymore. I'm sorry. I really am! But that's the way it is."
The redhead crossed her arms and looked off, muttering, "I knew this would happen..." Arnold could barely make out a third of what she'd said, and before he could ask her to speak up, she looked back at him, "Alright. If that's what you want."
"It is...it's what I want," He nodded, and cleared his throat, "I'm uh...going to get going."
"Please," Lila quipped.
The blonde turned and reached for the door knob before stopping, and turning back to her, suddenly reminded that he needed something important back from her, "Could I have my ring back?"
His now ex-girlfriend tilted her head at him, shooting him an incredulous stare, "Get out of my house, Arnold," She calmly, but forcefully demanded.
"Look, I'm not being a jerk. That was my grandmother's, and you know it," He reminded her, though he was growing a tad angry about it the whole thing.
"No. You don't get to give a gift and then take it back. Please leave," She calmly reasserted her demand. Against his own desire, his better judgment budged him from the room, convincing himself that it was a losing battle. At least for the time being. Once the dust settled, he would try again.
Because lord knew, his grandmother would be incredibly disappointed if she knew he had wasted such a precious family jewel on a girl he'd just broken up with.
God he was so stupid. But how was he suppose to know that Helga would come barging—to be fair, he was technically the one who came barging into her life—and make the status quo an undesirable heap? Nobody could have predicted it he supposed. He was just glad to be over it. Now, the only thing he was looking forward to was Seattle with Helga tomorrow.
Ah, yes. He felt so giddy just thinking about it.
Saturday.
It was quite possibly, the slowest day of the entire year. The entire year! Helga had paced around all day, waiting for their departure hour to Seattle to see a band that had been on her long list of live shows to experience. She also got to spend time with Arnold. Alone. Which both excited and terrified her at the same time. Ah fear. Good ole' fear. Let's one know they're alive! She trusted herself not to do anything weird. She knew he wouldn't. He still had a Lila...while she, on the other hand, sat firmly in the friend zone.
Like a piece of furniture. Maybe a lamp. Yeah...a lamp. She could do a lamp. A majestic piece of room decor' that was hard to live without. Yeah, that described her perfectly! Especially the majestic part. And she was always game for getting turned on. Oh! She was full of jokes!
But for real, she was so glad when five O'clock rolled around and Arnold pulled into her driveway. She grabbed her jacket and announced, "I'm off the see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of OZ..." to Owen and Olga who were...probably in the kitchen or something. She didn't wait for a reply, bounding out the door, through the snow and into his car.
Arnold was grinning, "Well, you're certainly excited. I didn't even have to come fetch you like normal."
Helga blushed, "I am excited. Embrace the excitement, Bro Man. This is going to be like a pre-game concert for you before 311."
"Is that right, master of the live show?" He gave her a sideways glance as he pulled out of her street and onto the road. "I do love a good pre-game."
"Good, good. Let the music flow through you," She chuckled, using her best gremliny voice. Arnold snorted and shook his head. Her phone chirped and while she was checking the text, he began feeling that creeping hot sweat feeling seeping over his back. He was wondering if news had spread of him and Lila's breakup the night before.
He didn't want her to find out through the gossip grape vine, he wanted to tell her. He didn't even really know why it was so important, but it was for some reason. probably because he was still fighting with himself about the true reason he wanted out from under Lila. Well, that's some damn irony. Assuming she didn't already know. But he figured she would have asked already. He cleared his throat, "So uh...I...broke it off with Lila last night."
Helga very slowly turned her head and stared at him. I'm sorry, what did he just say? Catching her look gave Arnold so many butterflies in his stomach that he was glad he had a seat belt on, because he was sure he would have drifted away.
He's single. He said he's single. Maybe looking to mingle...with lamps.
She swallowed.
Their trip just got a little more complicated.
A/N: OMG...I can't get the next chapter wrapped up FAST enough. I don't know about everybody else on here, but I lay my stories out before writing them, so I have my structure in place. And since day one I've been looking forward to fleshing out the last chapter, this chapter and the next the most. Of course I've got a lot goodies planned for the end of this too. No worries!
But hey! At least Arnold has finally come to his sense with Lila. Again, I feel the need to stress this: Yes, she was being a jerk by not giving his grandmother's ring back but, put yourself in her shoes. She's feeling stung and just lashing out. I said before, ill say it again. She's going to have her 'Come to Jesus' moment by the time this wraps. I NEVER intended to ruin her character or make her into a villain.
How about Helga and Claire? I thought she needed a good rivalry to pick up with back in Virginia. Seemed like something she'd do.
Cheers!