Chapter fourteen already, I feel like wow!
Also hit more than a Thousand views in total, you guys make me so happy, I really appreciate you reading this!
So, not a full sad chapter!
This takes place right after the previous one, again.
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I hope you enjoy!
Would you forgive me?
They still are looking confused to me, this time astonished.
'Dís, what are you talking about? How can this be your fault?' Dwalin asks as he gets up from his seat as well and looks questioning at me.
'Y-you said that they were revenging some orcs… I killed them.' I stumble, panic coming through my voice, not able to conceal it.
'Dís, we all kill orcs, they're our enemy, so I still don't really get-'
'I hang them up those trees and smashed them open! I was taking Grodri with me earlier this day to say I would be training knife daggers but I, I…' I was not going to say that. 'When I was finished Grodri asked me if I shouldn't take them down, but I refused to. Now look what's happened! The orcs found them with smashed open bodies, so they took their revenge on other dwarves, who are now dead because of me!' My voice cracks and I try not to scream and go mental. If Thorin woke and heard his little sister scream like a maniac, it wouldn't really help.
But this knowledge kills me inside, that I am the reason dwarves had died. Only because I was lazy, and mostly, sinister. The reason I didn't want to take them down was because I liked them hanging there dead, with smashed open bodies. Living in a place where attacks was a weekly thing, I had become more violent. But since Frerin was killed by these creatures, I realize now, I was getting sinister. Something that was actually the opposite of Frerin, who thought that every dead creature was a waist. Than why did I become like this?
There was a heavy silence hanging in the room, and both dwarves looked at me. I couldn't read their minds, and I give them a puzzled look, hating the silence. Why didn't they say something, shout at me for being the most stupid dwarf on earth?
'I didn't mean too, really! If I had known that this would happen, I really would not have even started. But I can't undo it now, and those dwarves are dead, Thorin is dying and – my breath falters – those orcs are still hanging there, I need to hide them before any others find them!' I realize, hoping, praying that no one has, not an orc or a dwarf.
But when I run off Dwalin stops me, pulling me back. 'Dís, everyone will know that you didn't mean this to happen, but sadly it did now.' I'm not sure if he speaks the truth, because there is such an angry tone in his voice. 'But if Thorin wakes up, you'll need to be there with him.' I know that he's right, but those orcs needed to be gone right now. What if other orcs were wondering where the others went, and they would find them? And how big is the change that Thorin stays awake?
'But you know I need to, we can't have another orc attack at the moment. Please, let me go!' I beg.
'Fine, but you need to take someone with you. I'll go with you.' He says while he releases my arm.
'No, please, stay with my brother. He needs a familiar face when he wakes up, but you don't know where the orcs are and telling you takes to much time, so you stay with him. Don't worry, I'll take someone else with me; someone who knows where they are.' I say, and with a nod of Dwalin and Óin, both not very happy about it, I take up my brother's weapons and run away from the house.
The concerning feeling makes me sicker and sicker and my stomach roll. Please, be home, I think when I knock with my brother's blood covered hands on the door.
I just wanted to kick the door open, since no one was opening it, but before I could (luckily) someone opened it.
'Grodri, I need your help, please come with me right now!' I say, more commanding than asking.
'What on earth is the matter, Dís?' He suddenly notices the blood on my hands. 'By Mahal, are you alright?' He says worryingly as he grabs my hands with his.
'I'm-' fine, I wanted to say, but that's not true. You can't be fine if your brother is dying and you're the reason why.
'It's not my blood; it's Thorin's. There was an orc attack because of me, because I'm a ridiculous, sinister fool, and I need help from you again to clean up my dirty mess; I'm sorry, I'll repay you later. But we need to hurry, maybe even more lives can go.'
I'm already turning around, but he seizes my wrist and turns me around. 'Is Thorin dead? And Dís, what are you talking about, what mistakes, and what do you mean more lives can go?' he asks, not having the slightest clue from what's going on and I feel sorry for him, but we really haven't got time for that.
'Thorin's alive, but unconscious and he maybe isn't even going to make it. Than I've killed my own brother, though not by my own hands. I mean that we can be attacked any minute again if we do not hurry, so please, hold your questions and come with me.' I demand, freeing my wrist and running away, hoping that he would follow. Lucikly, he does.
I keep running, and keep cursing myself for what I've done. But before there's another disaster, I should stop it. Oh, how heroic, though it would be my fault if another disaster happens. Oh, how ironic.
Because the place was reasonably far away from where the dwarves live, and dwarves aren't known for being the best runners in the world, I was a little out of breath when I arrive at the place. The smashed up orc corpses are still there, smelling even worse this time.
'We… We need to hide them, somewhere they can't be found, especially not by orcs. I say lets burry them.' I say, slowly regaining my breath.
Grodri frowns, looking at the orcs he had seen earlier this day, but doesn't say anything. I start untying the ropes from where I had bound them together against the trees, but eventually take the sword to cut them through. We haven't got ages, and I'm still lazy. But mostly it helps with my anger to cut the ropes through. I would prefer to stick the sword in their bodies again and again and again for what they've done now, almost killed my other brother, the only one I have left, but that would probably one make it worse.
As the last orc is freed, he falls on the ground with a dull sound. But not that loud that I couldn't hear that noise which doesn't belong here. I slowly turn around, fear knotted in my body, and before me are standing even more orcs.
'Grodri?' I whisper between my teeth, and I hear him turn around, hearing a very little gasp. I wonder if they had already seen the dead orc bodies on the floor; they surely would have.
'Now?' I ask, waiting for his approval.
'Now.' He says, and with that word he takes his beloved sword, where Frerin and he were always talking about, and with a scream we run forward; with a not strange fury I slice their heads off, cut their arms or legs of, or pierce my sword through their body.
Was it strange to enjoy this? Shouldn't killing other things make you feel bad? But how could you possibly feel bad about killing these murderous creatures, especially if they murdered most of your family.
Luckily, it were not too many orcs. I have only some cuts and bruises, and a very slight wound that I hardly feel. Grodri even looks like he could also just have come back from a training session. 'Shall we bury them with the other orcs?' I ask, and after I approving nod I start digging.
I didn't bring anything like a shuffle, so I simply start with my hand, and Grodri does the same. After half an hour all the orcs are buried quite deep in the ground, and our hand and fingernails are completely black. I look around if there's one we had missed, but the space is orc-free. Well, except for the ones underneath the ground, than.
On our way home I explain everything to him, and I thought he would have shouted at me, or get really angry, or do something else like that which he has the full right to do so – but he does nothing, except from listening to the story and give me a compassionate stare.
'Why are you looking like that to me? I'm a monster.' I say with a disgusted voice.
'You really are not a monster, Dís. You didn't know this would happen, and blaming yourself doesn't have much use.' He simply says.
'What do you mean with that? It's my fault, no one else is to be blamed but me. Even you, Grodri, are not blamed for this. I should've listened to you but as usual, I didn't.'
He even chuckles at that, to my surprise. 'Actually, I would be highly surprised if you listened to anyone. You're more stubborn that Mahal himself. But, well, it is your fault, but still, blaming yourself doesn't have any use. You can't get any further with that. You haven't cried either, I can see that, since you know that's not useful. Why would this be useful than?'
I shake my head in disbelief. 'I've had years training not to cry, what are you thinking? And these are two totally different things, you really should see that.'
He opens hit mouth to react, but I change the subject. 'Are you coming with me to Thorin? I don't think he has woken since I was gone, but he might have and he'll probably wants to see you.' I say, and suddenly realize something, something worse than I could ever imagine.
'Mahal- As soon as he knows the truth, he would never want to face me again. He'll despise me for what I've done, and that he's dying because of what I've done!' I freak out, keen on banging my head to the tree over there.
'Dís, he is not going to despise you for that!' he says and takes my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes as he shakes me through.
'How would you know that?!' I yell alarming.
'I don't hate you either right now, and I'm your friend. He's your brother. I know he will understand.' He says calmly, looking very sure of himself.
'But you aren't dying.' I say this time, though the words strangle me, I quiet down a bit.
'No, I'm not.' Is all he says and drags me along with him, finally arriving at Thorin's house.
'Are you ready?' he asks and lays his grip on the doorknob.
'No.' I reply.
Like he didn't hear me say that, he opens the door and walks through the hallway into the living room and says hello to the two other dwarves.
'We have buried the orcs, along with others we have killed who were attacking us.' I inform, feeling a bit stronger again, regaining back into my position as a princess.
'Have you checked Thorin yet? Is he awake already, or did something else happen?' I ask carefully, afraid of the answer. What if he had died in the time I was gone? But before I could think that, Óin luckily answers.
'We have checked him, but nothing has happened. He's still unconscious and we have given him a new bandage over his head, that's it.' He says.
It makes me feel relieved and horrible at the same time. He didn't get any worse, but he didn't get any better either.
'What do we do now?' I ask, already knowing the answer.
'Just wait.' Óin says, sitting down on a chair, followed by Dwalin and Grodri.
'I hate waiting.' I mumble as I sit down myself.
Óin stayed inside the house, checking Thorin every twenty minutes to see if something happened, but nothing ever did. I had made food for all of us, but we barely ate. Dwalin and Grodri left when the sun started to rise, and I went to Thorin's room. I brushed his hair away, looking at his close eyes. Please, wake up. Come back for me, don't die! I pleaded, but no reaction came.
I had sat myself down in a chair, keeping my face fixed on his. Óin had arrived to check him one last time, before he had to excuse himself. The battle claimed more lives from dwarves, and some were also heavily wounded, and he really needed to go away. He had said that I should call him whenever I needed him. I know he had to go away, but it makes me feel extra helpless, because I couldn't do everything he could. He assured me that I wouldn't get in trouble, that Thorin seemed to be unconscious for a while.
Now I'm still watching at his face, or more staring at it without actually seeing anything, my mind far away. If he dies, than it'll be your fault, a particular annoying voice keeps saying in my head.
But my thoughts are interrupted when he suddenly stirs. 'Thorin?' I ask hopefully, flying out of my chair and carefully sit on the edge of his bed, cupping his cheek.
'Dís?' his voice cracks and his very soft, but I lean closer to him and take his hand in mine.
'Hush, don't talk.' I whisper, suddenly realizing that's quite stupid because he is only half conscious, and there's a bandage over one of his ears, so he probably didn't hear me.
'I've such a headache.' He mumbles, blinking his eyes, staring into mine.
'I know, that's why you need to stop talking. I take care of you; don't worry.' I say louder this time, and he seems to hear it. My bottom lip begins to tremble uncontrollably and my eyes get watery. 'Please, don't die. Will you ever forgive me?' I do everything I can not to cry, because I know it will make him upset to see me cry. How much longer will he care about that, when he finds out the truth? Maybe he's going to kill me right away, if he survives this.
'I'm fighting for you, Dís. But what do you mean, forgive me? You've done nothing wrong.' He says, not-understanding.
'Yes I have.' I bite my lip until I taste blood, but Thorin loses his conscious again and slowly closes his eyes. I watch his chest rise and fall, steadily.
How long will he have to go on like this? Dying, not knowing the truth? And he said he's fighting for me, but if he wins that fight and finds out that I'm not worth it? Will he stop fighting than? That can't happen!
I kiss his hand and lay it back on the bed. No, I won't let that happen.
Later that day, Óin came again and said that I need to get some sleep. It's true that I haven't slept since yesterday, unless you count the short while from tonight where I was having horrible nightmares, which I will have now as well, without a doubt.
Looking for the one person who can comfort me, at least the only one who's conscious, I give Thorin a kiss on the forehead as I leave him to Óin to examine him.
I sit down on the couch, Grodri sitting next to me, looking at me with worried eyes when I tell him my own worries. I honestly don't know a single reason why he always wants to listen to my annoying whining, but he said every time that he didn't care, so I slowly was feeling okay with it.
'How on earth am I going to tell him this, Grodri? I don't want him to hate me, but how else could he if he knows the truth. I despise myself for it as well, so why wouldn't he?' I put down the cup on the table with a hard sound and lay my head in my hands, helplessly thinking of something. 'He said he was fighting for me, and I know why: I'm all he has. But he has nothing than, and for whom should he be fighting than, apart for himself? Erebor, perhaps. But I can't live either if he's hating me, that would be the most horrible thing in the world.' I sigh and look at Grodri, who seems to be thinking.
'If the situations were turned around, he did what you did and you were in his position?' he asks, looking up me. I look back into his blue-green eyes, and I suddenly feel so keen to push my face into his chest and cry it all out. But not only that, also to hold him close to me and never let him go.
'Well, Thorin wouldn't be such a fool as me and he wouldn't even have the orc bodies smashed open. And even if he would do that, he still would be cleverer that me and hide them. He would've listened to you.'
'Really?' he asks now, a amusing undertone in his voice. 'I know him as much as you do, so you should know that he's very much like you in that way and wouldn't listen to me either. I wouldn't even listen to myself.' He says.
I shrug, though he's probably right about that. Suddenly something comes to my mind.
'But, I just don't understand- we kill orcs all the time, and they found other dead orc bodies more than once as well. And orcs never care about each other, they even kill each other sometimes. Why would they revenge them?' I feel a sudden flinch of hope in me. Maybe this wasn't my fault, and the orc was just lying.
'Well, you know… You really are quite sinister, and their bodies were completely smashed open; it was a horrible look, I still don't get how I didn't vomit.' He admits.
I look at him, but unwillingly the corners of my mouth go a little upwards.
'You're a sissy, you know that?' I say, shaking my head.
'Perhaps. But I'm not sure if I'd rather be a sissy than sinister, to be honest.' He says.
'I don't want to be sinister either! It's just, I was always violent, but since Frerin died it had gotten beyond that; I want to see those damn orcs hurt, thinking about what they've done to my family.' My hands tighten into fists and my knuckles turn white.
He takes my fists and unfolds them again, probably just on time before my fingernails would make the inside of my hand bleed. 'Calm down, now.' He says, laying my hand on my knees.
'I know what you mean, and I feel that way as well. I know a lot of dwarves feel that.' He says in a hushed tone that makes me almost sleepy, and the urge that I want to lay against him gets annoyingly bigger, almost unbearable. I really couldn't have that right now.
'Than why I'm the only one being so sinister?' I ask irritated.
'Because you express it. You don't want to listen to anyone to tell you what to do, you do whatever you want and break the rules, remember?' he says, somehow making it sound logical and sweet at the same time.
I look up into his blue-green eyes again. 'I like that.' He says with a small smile.
Really unable to hold it back anymore, I fall against his side, my head resting upon his shoulder. But it was like this isn't close enough, and my heart seems to beat only faster, only a bigger desire entering my mind, heart and body. What on earth is the matter with me?
He puts two finger under my chin and make me look into those eyes again. Suddenly I know.
'Hey, don't worry. We'll figure something out and make Thorin healthy again. I'm sure he won't be mad at you.' He says with such a gentle tone it sends a shiver down my spine.
'I think it's time I need to go back to him.' I quickly say, ready to move, but he stops me.
'Not before I've done this.' He says with a sweet, big smile. Finally, I feel those warm, soft lips touching mine. And I can't do anything else but throwing my arms around my neck to lean closer to him, close my eyes and enjoy this one moment where I kiss him back.