Chapter twelve: Honesty

NPOV

March 31, Sunday

Today me and Tina would do something fun and relaxing. We hadn't planned anything yet.

I told her all about Jake yesterday. How I had followed him, how he had hurt me but then promised to come back. We both didn't know what to think of all that. I didn't know how I felt about him either. Me and him, we both had changed. I only knew my life had been empty without him.

I needed my sunshine back, and I believed he could be my sun again.

Even if there was never a chance for love.

I was up early and decided to let Tina sleep in. Her work made her more tired than mine did.

So I called Jasper for an update. Told him everything as well.

Whenever we called he went to the cabin. Yes, they had built a cabin near the mountain house as well, especially used by Emmett and Rose, who tended to get loud sometimes. Jasper went there if he didn't want to be overheard while talking to me. And to get comfortable, as far as vampires need it, because our calls tend to be long, now we can't speak in real life for a while.

"He said he would be back next week."

"Ness honey, he will hurt you. Why are you doing this?"

"Because I can't not do it. Going on without him. God knows I've tried."

"I know you've tried too. And it's been hard. But this will be even harder. It's going to hurt a lot more."

"I guess that's what I need. Before I can move on as well."

"I disagree. I think you believe that he will change his mind once he realizes you love him now."

"I don't believe that. And I won't tell him. I know it's too late. I had my chance. He's married now."

"Exactly, you think that it will be easier going on without him if you let him hurt you again?"

"I think it will be easier if I knew for sure that he is happy."

"What if he was happy until you came back in his life?"

"But I won't affect his life. I won't interfere."

"You're wrong. You said he fell out against you, lost control, you are already affecting him, just by being there."

"This was only a first conversation, it will get better. He needs time."

"Stubborn."

"Jazz, are you jealous?"

"That's low Ness. Of course I'm jealous. But this is just me being concerned. Honestly."

"I'm sorry. Just don't talk me out of this. I need you to be on my side. Even if this turns out to be the biggest mistake of my life. I need to know you'll still be there if I mess up completely."

"You know I will." I knew indeed.

"And you don't have to be jealous."

"Sure I do. He's going to sweep you off your feet again, just like he always has."

"I think you turned things upside down. You are the sweeping one. "

"Wrong, I am the dazzling one."

"Ha." Jasper-humor.

I thought for a while. "I didn't know you felt that way."

"It's no big deal. And it has nothing to do with our thing. Is has been there from the day you were born. I used to wish I was somebody's sun like he is yours."

"You're Alice's sun."

"Alice is her own sun. She loves me, but she doesn't need me."

"I recall having a crush on you when I was little. Not on Jake."

"Ness, I think you are the only one that didn't realize how much you loved him."

"I took him for granted."

"Probably."

"I won't do that now."

"He won't give you another chance the way he has before."

We were silent again, thinking.

"This is all such a mess. And it's worse than the other times, " I said suddenly.

"What is?"

"Us."

"Huh? I thought we were talking about Jacob."

"I kinda like that you are jealous. I'm evil."

"Always said you were. Are you jealous of Alice?"

"Sometimes."

"Hmm."

"What?"

"You're not evil. I kinda like it too."

"Maybe we're both evil then. You know you shouldn't say such things to me."

"You said it first."

"Yes. But I'm allowed to, I'm free. Besides, you were always the more collected one. The denying one."

"You think me being honest makes it worse?"

"Yes. And you make me more evil."

"How so?

"Make me want to be honest as well."

"Aren't you then?"

"Yes, but I could be even more."

"Try."

"You don't want that."

"Says who? I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Never mind."

"Now that is evil."

"Okay you asked for it. If I am completely honest with you I would tell you that sometimes I wish vampires were not monogamous. That I still think about that kiss. That I hear you moaning my name in my dreams, and doing a lot more than that too. Want me to go on?"

"Yes and no."

"Let's go for no. You got the point I think."

"So it's worse than other times."

"Yes..."

"Damn."

"Indeed."

"It's worse for me too. If you were here right now…"

"Don't say it."

"I wasn't going to."

" I really can't lose you as a friend right now, Jazz."

"You won't."

"I don't know. You're dazzling me on the phone now as well."

"I'm sorry. I'll behave better. You can't cut off contact completely."

"You know I need you."

"You'll have your wolf back."

"I won't. Even if I do, I'll still need you. Always have."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

For the first time I thought that I might be in love with him.

And I would not meet him until this was over. No secrets for an empath.

Although somehow I had a feeling that he felt the same way.

I would not say it though. We had been honest enough. Too much, actually.

"I should hang up now." I didn't want to, but it was the sensible thing to do.

"You should."

"Hmm." I couldn't.

"I'll hang up. I said I would behave. I'm sorry if I confuse you."

"That's okay, you're only human."

"Haha."

"Bye Jazz."

"Bye Nessie."

I took a cold shower to get both men out of my head. In vain.

But where I failed, there was Tina to count on.

We decided we both could do with some shopping. When we were practically out of money we put our bags in the car and went to Burger King.

She talked about her feelings for Emmett, which resembled my feelings for Jasper a bit. So I told her about my little crush.

She was not surprised, she knows me well enough.

Here we were. Both longing for our dazzling vampires, who felt something for us as well, but who both had gorgeous girlfriends they would never leave.

We didn't feel sorry for ourselves though. They were just crushes.

Instead we bought a massive load of pop corn and held a comedy marathon at home. When we had too much pop corn we leaned back in the couch, against each other, and we held our stomachs every time we had to laugh.

Tina could do that.

Let me see things in their right proportions. Make me genuinely happy.

I think I would talk to Carlisle about changing her. Or at least letting her in on the secret.

I wanted to be a full part of the Cullens, a vampire part, but not if it meant leaving Tina.

For her I would fight.

AN: Things are getting complicated...