*Yes, yes, we just had to continue since many of you said you'd find us and go all 'Evil Regal' on us if we didn't. Aha! Here's the next installment! Hope you enjoy!*
Entry Four: Part Four
Title: The Stable Girl
Preview:
I cried myself to sleep that night hugging Henry in my arms. And he just held me there, so small and innocent, so smart and kind to me. That's why I loved my son. No matter how many bad things he thought of me, he would still love me and have no one hurt me.
"She loves you, mom", he said softly, next to me.
"No she doesn't, Henry", I said sadly.
"She just is having a difficult time accepting it. I know it. It's just that if you had treated her better before, then she wouldn't have been so hurt."
Love isn't always perfect. It isn't a fairytale or a storybook. And it doesn't always come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on & never letting go. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, & impossible to live without. Love is work, but most of all, Love is realizing that every hour, every minute, & every second was worth it because you did it together.
[Regina]
She had kissed me.
I loved it and I wanted more. I could feel the aftermath of the change in my figure and the returning feelings of desire for her consuming me. But why was she running away from me? Why was she lengthening the distance between us like this? My eyes began to burn with threatening tears, and soon after, I was standing there, alone. Empty. I wanted her to come back to me, to stand before me and gaze into my eyes. My heart was beating again. I was not dead. I could feel the familiar dull thud in my chest. And I knew the blackness that had consumed me like a disease was slowing evaporating like a mist arising from a deranged and hopeless land.
All I could feel was complete shock from what she had done. Emma had succeeded in breaking my curse which meant only one thing. She truly and utterly felt some amount of love for me. A little or a lot. I was completely consumed by shock. This had been uncalled for yet it had occurred quite the opposite to how I had imagined it. Two days before when I had been faced with the dreaded situation of having Henry being poisoned by my hand, I had hated the very fact that I had any feelings for Miss Swan. I had detested the slight possibility of me giving into lustful desires for her at all. There had been conflict. I had been confused and lost.
She had lashed out at me as I had initiated the round of anger. And then she had colored my personality with cold words: ignorant, cold hearted, conceited, arrogant. Hate. No love and no compassion. Not a hint of desire or want. In other words, I had been the very last source to deserve any hint of love from her. So I had blatantly accused her of being a criminal, a heartless mother and as cold as she accused me to be. She had succeeded in forcing anguished tears from within me. I never cried easily. Yet every time she threatened to break my walls down, tears came. And I was reduced to the person I was before I had become the person they made me.
She was my weakness.
Standing on the spot, a bitten apple lying near my bare feet, I suddenly grew dizzy as a rush of memories like whispers flooded my mind. Flashes of visions, whirlwinds of memories. And new feelings awakened. Innocent flirtations, the feeling of wanting to touch and be touched, fingers trailing paths through long hair. Then I could hear myself laugh, tease, and her eyes widened from my bold advances. I was being touched and held close in her arms, she was combing my hair, and caressing my face then my body, shaking and wet was being hugged by her. The closeness of her I could not feel but I saw like a film. The way I saw she touched the younger version of me made my mind become deranged from knowing what it had felt like because I could only remember the movie. But I wasn't able to feel any of it.
Suddenly, a sharp pain flashed across my chest and I doubled over, gasping for air. No air. I couldn't breathe. My heart was on fire and I was growing nauseous, my head dizzy, hands beginning to shake. Holding them out before me, I gazed at them with bewildered eyes and felt the inner change. I knew what was happening to me but it was too much for me to handle. This had been the price of the curse and I was now being forced to pay it. Now I began to realize how twisted Gold's mind had been when he had composed this form of destruction. He had carefully enacted a poisonous end result that was expected to torture me. By now he had the last laugh and I had the worst pain to endure.
Being in love with someone who wasn't in love with you.
Was she in love with me? I wanted to know. All these memories and flashbacks, were they real? Had she actually grown to love the person I was before I became the person her mother had poisoned me into becoming? So this meant I stood no chance when I became my current self again. She'd never love me now. But I wanted to know. I had to discover the truth because if I didn't, my heart would never stop bleeding hurt in my chest. And I couldn't live through it. She'd succeed in undoing me by ending my existence. And I'd die of a broken heart, twice as much shattered than it had been when I had lost Daniel.
Struggling to get up, I walked slowly towards my beloved apple tree and bending down, gasping as pain shot through my chest, I picked up my boots. Then I made my way around my house and towards my front door. Had we made love when I was cursed? I thought as I ventured slowly inside, my hand briefly moving behind me to push it close. She had touched me but there were no recollections of feelings. And that tore at my heart the most. Climb the stairs, Regina. My knuckles appeared white and my knees were weak. Yet when I pushed open my bedroom door, I instantly felt her presence that lingered there. The smell of her perfume, and her face in my newly added memories, the way she had stood in front of my closet and gazed at my clothes. I moved there now and stood right where my memories reminded me she had stood. And I could feel her like a ghost standing there with me.
"Emma", I whispered hoarsely, reaching out a hand to allow my fingers to touch the very same red shirt of mine she had wantonly chosen to caress.
I remembered when I had worn that exact shirt. It had been the very day when I had chosen to frequent the Sheriff's office. Just to see her. Sitting on the desk awaiting her arrival like many other occasions. But that time it had been much more wanting of me. It had been a terrible night for me, my mind wrapped around nightmares and waking up shaking. And I had to see her. She had somehow become the cure to my dark emotions. She was capable of sucking out the poison from within me with just one gaze of understanding and acceptance. There I sat, discovering that I must cross my legs, I must allow my skirt to reveal more of my upper legs than was called for because I wanted to get a rise out of her. I wanted to see if she'd somehow gaze at me and confess with her eyes that she desired me.
And she had chosen to consider me and my position with an intrigued gaze.
Then I had proceeded to greet her and offered to smile. There always was a return smile from her.
"Good morning, Miss Swan."
"Good morning, Madame Mayor", she said with her eyes on me, moving to rest her cup of coffee on her work desk. "What are you doing here?"
"I felt compelled to check up on the new Sheriff."
"I can do my job", she admitted firmly, suddenly avoiding my eyes. "You don't need to check up on me."
"Well I wanted to. I trust you're fitting in well because you're still here in my town."
"I'm here for Henry and you know it", she said, still standing up. "And last time I checked, you don't own this town, you're Mayor."
"I oversee things. It's my job, Miss Swan. It's called for my involvement in everything this town does."
"I'd think you'd have better things to do than to come here so often to make sure I'm doing my job", and she considered me, her eyes never leaving mine. "Graham's not here anymore, so why come here as if you're still expecting to get something from him?"
"I'm here for you, Miss Swan."
"What do you expect to get from me?"
I allowed my eyes to desirably roam her body from her lips to her neck then all the way down to her legs. And then gazing up at her, I sighed, and rose from the desk. Then with my eyes fixated on her, I walked out of the room.
I found myself madly pulling off the red shirt from its hanger. Trying as fast as I could to be rid of the exposing jersey, no bra on, I stripped myself of those ridiculous clothes then got dressed properly. Same red shirt, same black skirt, pulling up black stockings, then pushing sore feet into knee high boots, pulling up zips, applying red lipstick, hands shaky, fingers aching. I smudged on my first application and groaned in frustration because I never was that sloppy. Foundation, spray of perfume, I moved to my vanity to pick up the brush I had kept for many years with me that my father had presented me with. And standing in front of my mirror, I combed the knots out of my tangled hair, allowing some to fall in my face.
Was I even beautiful to her?
After all the uncalled for efforts I had made, upon reflex to get her to notice me, no feelings had ever been returned. Gazes, flickering of her eyes and nothing more. Could I really be worthy of having her consider me the fairest of them all? Was I capable of getting a rise out of her even now? My body ached to remember what it must have felt like to be touched by her before when I was cursed. I wanted to remember yet that was the purpose of it all. Memories and no recollections of feelings. Yet she had done enough to shake all the hate from me. I no longer hated the fact that I loved her. I loved her so much that I wanted no one else but her.
Then suddenly, my eyes moved to rest on the creased pillow cases on my bed. And visions of her intimately close to the younger version of me flooded my mind. I could see her gazing at me as I slept, curled up against her, her finger reaching out to lightly brush my hair away from my face, a smile on her lips. And I was drawn to my bed by the ghost of her lying there beside me. With my heartbeat fluttering without a steady rhythm, I sat there, eyes downcast, reaching out a hand, fingers touching the pillow where she rested her head. A tear slid down my cheek, and my heart ached. I caressed the pillow case as if it was her face there. And I cried, sobbed, dying to know how it had felt to have her that close to me.
The closet in proximity she had ever been to me was that one time when she had rescued me from the fire within the Mayor's office. Hands reaching around my waist, the fierce look in her eyes, her strong hold on me as she assisted me out of there and the end result had been me behaving stubborn and childish. All I had wanted was to be held by her a little longer but close to forever. Yet as soon as I had begun to react to her touch, her hand was withdrawn. And I was left to only want more, suffering in my own selfish silence.
I had to see her.
But there was one other twisted person I had to pay a visit to. Demented imp, selfish bastard, liar and a cheat. Yet when I got behind the wheel of my car, I couldn't drive. Everything ached, my hands, legs, neck, my eyes burnt, head grew dizzy. I pulled the key out of the slot and groaned, then chose to rest my forehead upon the steering wheel. Double times the feeling you had when your body was on fire, fever, triple times worse than the flu. Was this a recorded illness, to suffer so terribly from a broken hearted curse? Shaking, I pushed open my car door and stepped out, my eyes darting about, yet no one was around. And I pushed it close then chose to tentatively take steps towards my opened gate, dreading the meeting of any resident of Storybrooke for that matter.
There was the pavement, walk, slowly, the soft whisper of the afternoon wind chilling my bones that felt on fire. I was sick. I needed to lie down and here I was going after my weakness. Her. I needed to. It was miraculous that I reached Gold's shop without anyone attacking me, and pushing the door open with as much anger as I could muster up, I stalked inside, my eyes flaring.
"Gold!"
He was nowhere to be seen at the front, yet I could sense his presence. I wanted to take something up and lash out at his displayed items, shatter his glass counters and destroy his shop. Yet I only chose to stride further inside the shop, my blood boiling with rage. It was called for when I swiped my right hand with force over his counter, sending a wooden box crashing to the floor. And then I picked up his cash register and flung it against the wall, with all the energy I had inside me.
"Your Majesty", he said coolly, coming in from behind the shop, his eyes on me. "What a surprise."
"You bastard", I hissed, "you twisted bastard."
"Good afternoon to you too", he said moving to stand behind the counter, his eyes resting on the cash register on the floor, "good to see you've returned."
"Why the hell would you do this to me?" I asked furiously, my eyes wide, and I grimaced as pain shot through my chest when I moved to lean over the counter.
His eyes danced with glee as he observed me, "you're still paying the price, how does it feel now to have all the blackness you worked yourself into to suddenly commence in eating away at you?"
I looked up, terrorized. "Make it stop", I demanded.
"Your Majesty", he began, considering me with amused eyes, "I'm doing nothing, on the contrary, it's all your doing not mine."
"Why the hell would I want to be in such pain?" I asked, my eyes watering, searching his. "You and your little payback…"
"To truly break the curse, you know what you have to do", and his eyes flickered to the articles I had thrown onto the ground, "I wish you the best of luck in that, of course."
"She'd never…"
"But she must have done it to bring you back."
"And if she doesn't kiss me again?"
"Then", and he smiled, the twisted imp, "then you will continue to feel the way you do."
"You will do something to stop this!" I demanded of him, glaring at him, "you will make this stop right now!"
"I will do no such thing, because you still owe me, your Majesty."
"What the hell are you getting out of this?" I asked of him, searching his eyes, "why are you doing this to me, why did you plan this?"
"You mean other than wanting to see you meet your demise?" he asked, smiling, "let's see, reconciliation with you and your enemies, plus the pleasure of watching you realize that after them giving you so many chances to start over, now you will have to fight to win their acceptance even more."
"They will never accept me as family if this happens!" I declared, heatedly.
"Oh but they wouldn't have a choice now will they, if you succeed? You might be surprised as to what will unfold" and he began to move the back of his shop, stopping just by the doorway, "oh and might I add it's actually time for you to fight for what you want. You're good at fighting, but are you willing to change as well."
My eyes widened as realization kicked in and the image of Snow White's face played in my mind. But did I still want revenge on her after all these years. Deep thinking things, vengeance still remaining… My head was throbbing as I thought about it. Revenge, vengeance and hurt… Reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ears, turning to face the doorway, my mind set, determined, I couldn't care less about what would happen to The Charmings. When I wanted something, I wanted it, I wanted her, I wanted her love, I wanted her to come to terms with what she had done, I wanted the truth, and I wanted her to be with me. And I'd make sure I got what I wanted.
But faith seemed to want to torment me even more.
I left Gold's shop and managed to get as far as Granny's and because I was in such a tormented state, my senses appeared to have been malfunctioning. As soon as I moved to step across an alleyway, a hand reached out and pulled me forcefully away from the sidewalk. Eyes wide, adrenaline kicking in, heart racing, I grew faint and gasped.
"Your Majesty…" Whale began. "So nice of you to show up."
"You can't hide from us!" demanded Jefferson, glaring at me.
What the hell was this about? I weakly allowed my glare to move over their faces: Jefferson and his stupid attire, Whale and his ridiculous demands.
"If you want to live", Whale began, his face close to mine, anger in his eyes, "you'll bring him back."
"I don't know what you're talking about", I declared, my voice strained.
"Bring him back!" he demanded angrily, "you use your magic and bring him back!"
"You took her away from me", Jefferson said, coming closer, fast, moving in, and he reached out to grab me around my neck, making me gag, "you took Grace away from me."
"She's…alive", I choked, and reaching out weakly, I managed to maintain a grip on the front of Whale's shirt, "let…me…go."
"She doesn't know who I am! And you knew this would happen! You planned it like this, for me to remember and her to forget! You've ripped out too many hearts and destroyed too many happy endings", Jefferson declared, and he tightened his grip around my neck. My head was throbbing terribly, I couldn't breathe, I was growing dizzy. "Now it's time for you to die."
"Leave her alone!" someone demanded from behind them but my vision was too blurry to register a face. Suddenly hands were being lashed away.
"She deserves to die!" Whale demanded.
"You have no right to determine that." And I knew that voice had I been anywhere. Blinking, my eyes focused on Charming standing before me. There was no hate, no cold glares, no ignorance. Taking my arm, he began to lead me away from where I was, and unto the sidewalk. We only stopped when we had walked a fair distance away. "You really are looking to get killed, aren't you?" he asked, stopping to consider me.
I could only try to compose myself. I felt weak, drained and almost dead. He had stepped in and saved me. Why had he done that? After all I had done to him and his family, after what I had been thinking minutes ago about him and his wife, having my revenge by taking away their daughter's heart and wanting it. Feeling behind me, my fingertips brushed a wall and I leant back, growing dizzy. Try to avoid his eyes, don't look at him.
"Thank you", I said looking down, bending my head over and resting both my palms upon the front of my skirt, leaning against the wall for support.
"So Emma breaks the curse, you suddenly transform into the younger version of yourself, she chooses to spend all the time in the world with you, she wants to save you", and he stopped, looking at me, "what's going on here really, Regina?"
I chose not to answer.
"How did you transform from an innocent, happy young woman to such a vengeful woman in just a matter of years?"
"You're going to stand there and ask that", I said, looking up at him.
"You both lost someone dear to you by each other's own doing, this should have ended years ago."
"A broken heart", I said in a hoarse voice, looking at him, "can make a woman do unspeakable things."
He chose to remain silent as he considered it. Conflicted eyes, then a flicker of understanding, acceptance…
"What has my daughter got to do with you paying the price for the curse you enacted?" he asked and when I gazed at him with wide eyes, bewildered, he sighed, "I'm not stupid, Regina. I know this has to do with the curse. Nothing comes free from Rumplestiltskin."
I looked around, eyes searching, wandering, seeking out. No one was listening yet I felt unsafe.
"We cannot discuss that here", I declared, then looked back at him. "And you would never understand anyway."
I moved myself from leaning on the wall and began to walk away slowly, lifting a hand to my throbbing forehead, and closing my eyes. Then when he chose to follow me, a small part of me detested his advance, yet I welcomed it as a sign that he wanted to learn more willingly and he wanted to understand. Yet why did I even trust him so easily?
"Try me", he said, stepping in pace with me.
"Since when are you not resorting to killing me as you have the chance?" I asked of him, turning to look into his eyes. "After all that I've done to you."
"My daughter trusts you", he declared, looking at me, "and as much as Snow and I would love to kill you this time around, Emma has forced us to promise that we will not do that because she wants to give you a chance."
"So the only thing stopping you from killing me is your daughter", I stated, considering him.
"What price did you have to pay for the curse", he asked, completely sidestepping my statement.
Should I tell him? There was a loss of options for me, no way back, just one way forward. No denial anymore, but acceptance, and as much as I wanted to hit him with the truth and believe he'd suffer, I knew once I said it, there was no turning back or taking my words back. Either way he'd discover what was happening here.
"Your daughter", I began, slowly, feeling dread wash over me, and I avoided his eyes, "Emma…she's my undoing."
He only remained silent.
"Gold…he planned his price to have his revenge on me by seeing the future and manipulating it to his advantage to destroy me", and I stopped.
"She will be her undoing…" he said suddenly, his eyes distant.
"What?" I asked, staring at him in disbelief.
"Your unborn child will break the curse on her 28th birthday and then he asked for her name", and his eyes widened as he looked up at me, "when we visited his cell, when we were walking out, he said 'she will be her undoing, she will unite foes by being the savior of love."
"He said that to you?" I asked, flabbergasted.
"He said many things to us that we never paid attention to", he stated, looking at me. "But it all makes sense now. She's the savior in more ways than one."
"I have to go", I said, and tried to sidestep around him but he grabbed my arm. "Let go of me", I demanded.
"I want answers." And he glared at me.
"I have nothing else to say to you", I snapped, returning his glare.
"After all you've done to us, after I just saved your life, you owe me."
"Are you sure you can handle the truth because I doubt whether you or your wife can at the moment", I said, smiling, considering him. And when he registered my sudden change in face expression, his eyes widened and a confused look moved into an almost nervous, afraid look.
"This curse, the price I have to pay, what Gold foresaw, all of it, ever since I met her", I said moving closer to him, smiling wickedly, fixating my gaze on him, "I fell in love with your daughter. And because I never confessed my feelings to her before the curse was broken, when it was broken by Emma, I was transformed back into my younger self." His eyes widened as I remained close, "and in order for her to change me back into my current self, do you know what she had to do?"
He chose not to answer, but swallowed.
"That's right", I said softly, gazing into his eyes, "she kissed me. And I don't think you'd be that blind to figure that one out."
"But she doesn't love you", he stated, staring at me with wide eyes. "After the way you treated her since she came here, she'd never love you."
"I need to find out."
"No", he said firmly, now choosing to glare at me, "you think you can just take away all our happiness just like that and then continue to do the same again?"
"What happens to my happiness?" I demanded, glaring at him, feeling hurt, "has anyone ever considered my happiness? All you've tried to do, all of you, you've tried to destroy me and you fail to realize that I just want to be happy!"
"This is not the way!"
"Stop sounding like your pathetic wife and get out of my way", I declared, glaring at him, "because I will not allow you to stand in my way or prevent me from…"
"Regina, just stop it", he said quietly, and sighed. "No one wants to destroy your happiness. Can't you see you brought all this upon yourself? This isn't anyone's fault but yours. Stop blaming others for what has happened to you and come to terms with what you've done."
"Where is she?" I asked, ignoring him, growing dizzy and becoming consumed with anger.
"She was waiting for the younger version of you to show up at Snow's apartment and when you didn't, she went looking for you…"
I reached up to run my fingers through my hair in frustration and looked around frantically.
"Wait, she doesn't know you're back to your old self?"
I shook my head and turned around to look back up the sidewalk from whence I had come. There was no sign of her. I felt frustrated and still weak, bewildered and frightened.
"Please tell me where she is", I said breathless, feeling my chest contract.
"Is the curse doing this to you?" he asked, observing me as I gasped for air, resting a palm on my chest as I doubled over, grimacing. "Gold is a twisted bastard."
"You've tried to kill me before", I reminded him in a whisper, "You all want to see me suffer after what I did. To you, I deserve this, all of this."
"No one deserves to suffer anymore", he said grabbing a hold of my shoulders and trying to steady me. "You really need to get some rest…Maybe you should…"
And he stopped.
I tried to control my breathing, my head throbbing and my insides on fire still. This needed to stop. It was just growing worse by the minute. If it continued, I'd be hopeless. I'd never find her and I'd never get her to…
"Dad…"
I remembered standing there not fully upright filled with the torment of pain. There was the determination in me to find her. Yet I knew not what I was going to say to her. How would she react to seeing me? But upon hearing her voice behind me, it cooled my blood to almost freezing point. I forgot how to breathe as I stood with my back to her, my eyes widening, my hair falling in my face.
"Emma…" it was Charming. "Where were you…"
"Regina?" she inquired, cutting him off, the sound of disbelief in her voice.
Gathering as much composure as I could, I straightened up and slowly turned around to face her, gripping my skirt with both hands almost too tight. And then our eyes met. Right there and then, all my barriers collapsed and I found myself becoming utterly vulnerable before her. I couldn't believe how different she appeared before me now. It was her. It was really her. All of her standing in front of me. Feeling my eyes burn, I couldn't even allow them to roam her beautiful body but was completely denied any further scrutiny when her expression registered disbelief and confusion. She continued to stare at me, her eyes wide.
"How did you…" she began and stopped.
"Emma…" I began.
"I left you…what the hell happened? Is the curse broken?"
I nodded, and for the first time in my life apart from my mother's effect on me, I realized that Emma had the power to reduce me to my weakest form. As she stood there, I found myself hanging unto every word she uttered almost as if my life depended on it. And it did. I grew nervous and shaky, eyes wide and difficulty in breathing. She was breathtaking in more ways than one and I wanted to slap myself for denying it before on so many occasions. I wanted to rewind time and change my behavior towards her so that this wouldn't be so hard for me to just stand in front of her and know that one word from her could shatter my already dying heart forever.
"How did…"
"You kissed me", I said in a strained voice, the words tasting bitter on my tongue.
And she continued to gaze at me, her eyes moving to my red shirt and then roaming further below. Then returning her gaze to look me in my eyes, she began to shake her head, her expression moving from disbelief to conflict, denial and hurt.
"No…" she said diverting her eyes from mine to look elsewhere, to look at her father. "I can't…"
"Emma…" I said stepping towards her tentatively, feeling my chest contract with pain. "Please…"
"You know, I've been thinking about it as I was searching for the younger version of you, the nicer version of you. And my life, has become a total mess because of the people I am supposed to hold dear to me. I wish all of you would just stop making me a fool!" she demanded, glaring from me to her father, "I never asked for any of this, I should have never come here! None of this was called for. You", she said, moving her eyes to Charming, "you chose to push me in a wardrobe and leave me without parents for 28 years, and you want me to suddenly consider you as family."
"Emma, we had no choice…"
"Everyone has a choice", she said. And when I moved closer to her, she chose to step back, creating more distance, distance that killed me. "You chose to hate me", she said looking at me, tears in her eyes, "you're no better than my parents because you never had my best interests in mind. No", she said as I tried to reach out to take her hand, and she moved her arm away, "I'm fed up with this, all of this."
And she just turned around and ran.
"Emma, wait!" I called after her, but after running only about three feet, the most intense pain shot through my chest and I doubled over, clutching at my chest. Then coughing, I found myself falling upon my knees onto the sidewalk.
"Regina…" David said, coming to stoop beside me, and when he tried to touch me, I just started to cry.
"This is all your fault", I whispered, "you and Snow White."
"There you go blaming us again!"
"You want me to suffer", I said coughing, and groaning from the pain in my chest. My demise was near. And it frightened me terribly to come to terms with it. So I was dying, and the more she pushed me away, the closer I'd move to death, and the more I'd suffer. More than this? I wanted to die right there and then if the pain was to get worse than it currently was.
"We really need to get you to a hospital", he said taking a hold of my arm and pulling me up. "That doesn't look good."
"This isn't medical", I whispered hoarsely, trying to stand up, "it's magic."
"Well we need to do something before it gets worse", he demanded, and he began to walk with me, his arm around my waist. "Look, I'm sorry for behaving like an ass before", he confessed, walking slowly.
"Why the confession now?" I said, and my throat burnt. "It's not…new to me."
"Well she hates us both now", he said, "and if you and I both want what's best for us and her, we need to work together."
"I'm afraid it's too late for me", I said.
"It's never too late for anything", he said like a fool, and walking with me, his arm around me, he took me to the apartment belonging to the woman I had hated for almost all my life.
"Regina…"
I had become so weak that I had been drifting in and out of consciousness for almost three hours. And lying there upon a bed in her apartment, I couldn't even register what was happening around me. But when I heard that voice, I knew who it was without second thinking it. Yet I chose to remain there with my eyes closed. Go away, I thought silently. Just leave me be, I don't want to see you.
"Are you awake?" Snow asked softly, "I made soup."
She made what? Why was she telling me that? It reminded me of instantly of the time when I had disguised myself to hunt her down. And then she had nursed my wounds, aided me in becoming better. Then she had made soup. I couldn't deny that her soup tasted delicious. Yet I just wanted to be left alone to wallow in my own pain and silence.
"I saw that", she said suddenly. "Your eyes fluttered. Don't pretend you're sleeping or unconscious."
"What do you want?" I asked hoarsely, barely opening my eyes to consider her sitting on the bed next to me.
"Soup?"
"Go away", I whispered. "I'm not hungry."
"Sit up, Regina", she ordered. "Or else I will force feed it to you."
"You wouldn't dare."
"Look, I'm just trying to help", she said quietly, and my eyes moved from hers to the bowl on her lap, a spoon poised in midair. "Open your mouth."
"What else do you want me to do?" I asked of her, "roll over?"
"You know you love my soup", she said smiling and that shocked me, "as I can remember, a long time ago, you really, really enjoyed it."
Accepting defeat, I chose to just shut up and pushing my elbows into the bed, I moved barely to sit up, groaning.
"David told me about your feelings for Emma", she said and I suddenly decided to keep the soup in my mouth, not daring to swallow it, fearing that she had poisoned it. She must want me dead now for sure. "I actually find it easy to accept than I imagined."
I swallowed hard and stared at her. "You do?"
"Regina, when that curse happened, just now, the one that made you change back into your younger self", and she considered me, stirring the soup in the bowl slowly, "it made me realize that no matter how you try to hurt anyone, how you try to be this evil person, you're just a very misunderstood woman who just wants love."
"You're going to kill me, aren't you?" I asked, searching her eyes, wondering what she had planned.
She chose to laugh and then sighed, shaking her head, "I would never kill you. I thought you realized that a very long time ago."
"I killed your father", I said watching her closely.
"Not directly, just as I didn't directly kill your first true love." And she moved the spoon to my mouth again. "But what exactly has happened to make you weak and in pain like this?" she asked, frowning.
"Ignorance", I said.
"How so?"
"How much did David tell you?" I asked quietly, looking at her.
"He told me that since you didn't confess your feelings for Emma, this curse happened to you, and it's somehow involved in you paying the price for the other curse. And you claim you truly love Emma. She returned you back to your current self by kissing the younger version of you. But now she seems to want nothing to do with you."
My head throbbed more by her words.
"Regina, magic is killing you", she said softly, looking at me with worried eyes, "stop using magic because it only hurts you. This curse that you enacted to hurt all of us, we've been hurt yes, but now you're the one that's suffering the most because of it."
"Nothing matters anyway", I said hoarsely, saddened, "because your daughter doesn't love me at all."
"How do you know that?" she asked frowning, and the bowl of soup was forgotten of as her eyes searched mine. "She does love you, she kissed you."
"Like David pointed out", I said and gasped as a sharp pain shot through my chest, "she kissed the person I was before I became this person. That is not me."
"But that is you!"
"I have told you constantly before that I am not that person anymore."
"Regina, so you're telling me that you're not kind, you do not love, you are not caring, you don't have a heart, you're not capable of loving anyone, and you're not capable of smiling anymore."
"I…"
But that was exactly what I was, all of it. I could be kind, I loved both Henry and Emma, I cared for both of them, I could feel my heart as it painfully continued to beat in my chest, and I was capable of loving because I loved her daughter so much. Capable of smiling: not so sure. That was one that was hard to come by.
"I am willing to forgive you if you forgive me, Regina", she said looking at me.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked confused, searching her eyes. "Why are you being so nice to me?"
"Because I am a nice person", she stated, smiling. "No more hate, no more revenge, no more hurt, agreed?"
I didn't answer.
"Regina, do you love my daughter?" she asked, looking at me, her hands in her lap. Did I love Emma? I loved Emma more than I wanted to accept it.
"Yes", I said, looking at her, my eyes never wavering.
"How much?"
It took a while for me to answer because I couldn't explain how much that easily.
"More than I loved Daniel", I said finally, and when she realized what I had said, her eyes widened.
"Oh my…" and she suddenly smiled softly, comfort and warmth in her eyes, "That is a lot."
"You're lucky to have succeeded in having your happy ending", I said sadly, "even though I tried to take it all away from you."
"That's because good always wins", she said stirring the soup in the bowl, her eyes downcast, "that's why I'm asking you to forgive me and you do the same."
"I was never evil", I said, hurt by her words. "You added evil to my name."
"Prove to me that you were never ever evil by forgiving me and welcoming me as your family", she said, gazing at me. "I'll forget about everything else, as hard as it is, and we will be friends. And I will speak to Emma, because I know how much you loved Daniel, if you say you love her more than him, I know how much that is. And I will help you."
"You would do that for me?" I asked, searching her eyes.
"Truce?" and she held out her right hand. I was tempted to ask her what was her price, what she was getting in return but she wasn't Gold.
"Please", I said, begging her with my eyes, "don't trick me, because right now, I can't take any more pain. I am suffering enough."
"No more tricks", she stated, "no more games. Emma is suffering too, and the only way you can both heal is if you come to terms with what's going on between the two of you."
I slowly lifted my hand, realizing how heavy it felt, my arm, and I shook her hand in truce. That was unbelievable. This was surreal. I had actually agreed to truce with the one person I had grown to hate deeply. And it hadn't been that difficult for me to come by. Just forgiveness. One step. And I had found it easy to accept because Emma was involved and she was a direct link to her. Yet could I trust her, could I trust anyone?
I cannot recall for how long I slept after Charming and Snow had invited the Blue Fairy over to heal me. Or at least try to. It did ease the aches across my body, but it could not stop my heart from being crushed. And it did not cease the existence of desiring that one person that was trying her best to avoid me. Because she never came back directly to see me…And she never showed her face in more than twenty four hours as I lay on the bed suffering by her being the result of all of this.
I cried myself to sleep that night hugging Henry in my arms. And he just held me there, so small and innocent, so smart and kind to me. That's why I loved my son. No matter how many bad things he thought of me, he would still love me and have no one hurt me.
"She loves you, mom", he said softly, next to me.
"No she doesn't, Henry", I said sadly.
"She just is having a difficult time accepting it. I know it. It's just that if you had treated her better before, then she wouldn't have been so hurt."
That was the truth.
"All the times I called you evil, that isn't true at all because you are capable of love. You love her and you love me."
I just pulled him close and kissed the top of his head, savoring the love of someone I held dear. Yet he was part of her, and he reminded me of her. His bravery and how compassionate he was. That was Emma.
"She'll come and tell you she loves you", he said innocently, looking up at me, "you deserve your happy ending too."
"I just want to be happy", I said with tears in my eyes.
"You will be tomorrow", he said smiling. "You will see."
But that wasn't the case at all. One day went by without a word from her, and then three days. Days turned into nights and then a week went past without us even speaking to each other. And it shocked me still that Mary Margaret was trying so hard to get Emma to speak to me. She had even teamed up with Charming to get Whale and the others to cease attacking me. I wondered how things could unfold like this. From hate to love, especially during the aftermath of the curse being broken. I expected to be killed by now but I was still alive.
I was alive and I was broken.
I could even venture into Granny's without having anyone challenge me. All they'd resort to was to stare in my direction with hate and then all attention on me would diminish within seconds upon my arrival. And sitting by my window seat, I'd sulk all morning, staring at the newspaper, not reading, staring, my mind elsewhere. My mind on her. Where was she? What was she doing? She hated me. And when I thought about her hating me, tears filled my eyes and I had to hide my face, blinking away the hot tears before anyone gazed over and noticed how weak I had become.
Lifting my eyes to gaze at the door when the bell tinkled upon someone's arrival, in she came with her mother following, the latter deep in conversation with the former who was lost in thought. And as always, I would stop breathing, only to find myself gazing at Emma as I felt my heart quicken its pace, sending bolts of pain through my chest. She walked in, wearing her usual red leather jacket, and then her eyes suddenly turned to meet mine. And she held her gaze. The whole world around me just collapsed when she looked at me, and she chose to do so for more than five seconds. Yet when she chose to turn away, appearing deeply hurt, I only was left to gaze after her as she went to sit in front of the counter, her back to me.
"Hello!" Snow said, beaming down at me as she came to stand near the table. "How are we feeling today?"
I considered her, in disbelief at first, then I couldn't care less. "You should have killed me when you had the chance", I muttered, resting my face in my hands, my elbows on the table.
"Regina, stop being so negative."
"How can I be anything but negative?" I asked, looking at her.
"I think what you need to do is to up your game", she said firmly, and she leant in, raising a hand to shield any view of her moving mouth, "you need to do what she said the younger version of yourself was doing and boldly try to win her heart."
"By doing what exactly?" I asked, staring at her.
"Like going over there and being the brave Queen we all know you as. Maybe just by saying hi."
"Saying 'hi' is not exactly my style, dear", I said warily.
"Suck it up, Regina", she said firmly, giving me a serious look. "Because if you want her, you have to fight to get her. And you're good at fighting for what you want, we both know that more than anyone else. You need to tell her how you truly feel about her."
I sighed.
"I can't believe this, I'm actually trying to set my daughter up with a woman. What kind of mother am I, really?" she asked, then sighed. Getting up, she bid me farewell and then ventured over to sit next to Emma.
Up my game? Seriously? This wasn't a game. This was my life. And my heart was at stake. How could I let Emma know how I truly felt if she wouldn't give me a chance to explain myself? What was I supposed to do? I suddenly remembered my father had once told me that if you cannot say it, you write it down: better to get it out in some way than keep it in forever. So pulling my handbag towards me, I pawed around inside for a pen, and then pulled out my Journal. After tearing a page out neatly, my eyes on her, I rested it down upon book and started to compose words within my head.
I chose to begin with just her name but guiltily added 'Dearest' before it, meaning to sound formal as it is. As it was… And then I began to write, surprised at how easily the words came to be penned on paper. And before I knew it, I had written on both sides and was tearing out another only to fill one side and a half with what my heart truly wanted to say to her. I wrote the truth, things I had never told anyone before in my life, and I wrote all of it. I even penned my guilt and my pain, how I felt currently as I considered her sitting there, ignoring me. And when I was finished, or believed myself to be finished, it was surprising that I had an envelope tucked within my Journal as well.
Taking it out, I folded the two sheets of paper neatly then tucked them both inside and sealed it firmly. Then with my pen poised just above the front of the envelope, I just wrote 'Emma'. And I sat there, trying to gather composure. Then without skipping a beat, I picked up Journal and slipped it inside my bag. Then I slowly rose, trying to breathe. With my eyes on the back of her head, I walked towards her, feeling as nervous as a teenager about to ask her crush out on a date.
"Good day, Miss Swan", I said, standing before her, building up my walls so that I wouldn't break before her. Should I have called her by her first name instead?
She looked up from the newspaper she was reading, and her eyes widened when she saw me standing there. Those eyes of hers. And without awaiting a response, I lifted my right hand and slid the envelope over the counter and under her fingertips nervously. I could see my hand was shaking, and I knew she saw too. Yet she chose to then consider the envelope, and before her perfume could dare threaten to poison me, I turned on my heels and walked out of the diner, never looking back. But I could feel her eyes on me even as I got into my car and closed the door.
And when I drove away, I somewhat felt relieved because I had eliminated that one part for now, spilling the truth, everything, my feelings in its entirety. It was up to her now to either stop my suffering or allow me to die with a broken heart by her hand. But her mother was right in declaring that love would never come easy, even by my standards And after two days without a reply or an acknowledgement from her, I was forced to, how had she put it, 'up my game'.
A/N – Enough to digest in just one chapter? So we had to cut off the bottom of this one and start a new chapter. There will be another one after this for sure now that you all requested us to continue.