When One's World is Shaken

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Chapter 13: The Realization of Being Forever Changed Yet the Same

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

Warning: This contains sexual assault and the recovery processes of such an assault. While not all reactions and such are the same depending on the situation, the recovery process used in this fiction follows the clinical and other circumstantial processes. The processes and reactions in this fiction were thoroughly researched.

The Realization of Being Forever Changed Yet the Same

Roy and Riza soon arrived at the diner and walked up to the door. He opened it first to let her in before going in himself. She tensed slightly when he came in behind her but it wasn't anything that someone who didn't know her would notice. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "It's almost the same," Roy said. "I figured it would change a lot more than it has in the two years since we've been here."

"Yeah," she said looking around. The place was still as lovely and casual as it always was. The floors were the same brown laminate that they'd always been but had a bit more of a shine to them. The walls were still the light blue with tons of pictures of various types of flowers hanging on them. The booths were moved slightly down to make room for a jukebox machine against the far wall and a small dance floor. The music was slowly drifting through the diner making everything seem even calmer.

Roy nodded over to a booth beside the jukebox. "There's our old spot," he said.

She looked up at him and smiled. "You remember where we used to sit?"

"Of course," he said. "I'm a hopeless romantic, remember?"

They walked over and took a seat at the booth. Riza sat across from him as she used to do.

Almost as soon as they sat down, a waitress came up to the table. She smiled brightly at the two. "Well! I remember you two! It's been a long time! Colonel Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye right?"

"Actually it's Lieutenant Mustang down," Riza said.

"So you two tied the knot! It's about time. We waitresses had a running pool going on whether you two would ever get married. Looks like I won!" she said with glee.

"You are Marge right?" Roy questioned.

"Yes, right! Glad you remember me. Now, what can I get you?"

Roy lifted his menu and gazed at it for just a moment. "A club sandwich and a glass of milk would be fine for me."

"I just want some…give me a chocolate milkshake," Riza said, suddenly changing her mind.

Roy looked at her and smiled.

"You got it," Marge said, leaving the two alone.

"A chocolate milkshake?" Roy questioned with a humorous underlying tone.

"It looked so good on the menu that I couldn't resist. You know I have a love for chocolate," she said.

"Yes, but it seems so…not you to order that. You are usually more health conscious."

Riza frowned and looked back down at the menu. "I can always just cancel that and order tea," she said softly, as if he hurt her feelings.

Roy's eyes widened. He didn't mean to make her feel bad. God he needed to think more about the repercussions of his words before he spoke. He stood and moved over to the side she was sitting on. He sat down beside her, wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and pulled her closer.

"No, don't do that. What I said didn't sound right. What I meant was the fact you ordered that, took me off guard. You did say you wanted tea before. There's quite a difference between tea and a milkshake. And you usually never have sweets when you don't have dinner first."

"Are you saying I shouldn't have it because I'm fat?" she snapped.

Roy looked at her incredulously. She went from a sad demeanor to a grumpy one. "I didn't say that!" He was quite confused, as to where she got that.

"I mean I know I don't have a model type body like those women in the magazines you used to read, but I am not fat," she said, her tone back down to a lower, less anger filled one.

"I didn't say anything about fat," he said, his voice rising slightly. "Riza… you are confusing the hell out of me."

She turned to look at Roy sadly. "God, I'm sorry. I know you didn't mean that by those things you said. I am being such a mood killer. You have been nothing but sweet to me today and I am repaying you by being a moody bitch."

Roy hugged her. "Don't worry about it Riza. You have a perfect right to be moody," he said, leaving out the bitch part. "I mean look what you've been through today. Hell, what you've been through these past few weeks."

She glared at him. "You weren't supposed to agree with me."

He backed away slightly, thinking she was serious. That glare usually meant she was prepared to maim someone.

"Um...should I leave?" he questioned.

She shook her head, laughed lightly, and cuddled closer to him. She had to admit, she was a bit uncomfortable with this much public display of affection, but she needed it nonetheless. "All this had to come when I'm PMSing." Riza muttered.

Roy laughed and hugged her closer. His gaze drifted over to the jukebox and he got an idea.

"Want to dance?" he questioned.

She leaned up to look at him oddly. "What?" she asked incredulously.

"Do you want to dance?"

"Here?" she questioned.

"Sure, why not?"

"There's no one else dancing," she said.

"So?" he said.

"People will stare."

"So?" he replied with a grin. He walked over to the jukebox and took a coin out of his pocket. After going through the songs, he found the perfect one and pressed the button corresponding with the track. A sweet country ballad came over the speakers and he walked back over to her extending his hand. She blinked at it then looked up to his face to see a small smirk. He knew that she couldn't say no when he looked at her like that.

She smiled at him and put her hand in his as he led her over to the small dance floor. He wrapped his arms around her waist as hers folded around his neck. He pulled her against him tightly and felt her tense for a moment before relaxing minimally. She was nervous at being up there dancing in front of people. He bent his head to her hair and took a deep breath, taking in her sweet scent. He felt her breath against his neck as she rested her head on his shoulder, hiding her face. He knew it was likely that she was blushing. He knew all the others in the diner were smiling sweetly at them. They weren't looking at them with any kind of negative emotion like Riza thought they were.

He bent his head down slightly so he could sing the lyrics to her lowly, in her ear, his smooth voice giving her chills. "So I wait, and I try. I confess like a child. She's my kind of rain, like love from a drunken sky. Confetti falling down all night. She's my kind of rain. "

Riza felt overwhelmed with emotions as he sung the beautiful song. She hugged him tighter as he continued to sing the lyrics. Her body relaxed against his as butterflies filled her stomach. She felt like it was the first time she'd ever danced with him. She forgot about all the people watching them and just drifted off into her own world where it was she and Roy, dancing alone. In a world where everything was perfect and no one got hurt. She knew when the song ended they would be thrust back to harsh reality but until then, she would enjoy and treasure this solitary moment in time.

The song ended and Riza pulled away from Roy and blushed. She looked down at the ground as everyone in the diner clapped and a few "awww's" and "lucky girl" were heard from the women. Roy took her hand and led her back to their booth.

"Everyone was staring," she said.

"Yes, but it was good staring," he said.

She looked up at him and smiled slightly. "Yes."

Marge walked up to the table with their orders. "That was so adorable," she squealed. "You've got yourself quite a catch here honey," she said to Riza, while sitting the chocolate shake down on the table in front of her.

"Yes I do," she said and was surprised to see a blush appear on Roy's cheeks.

Marge sat Roy's sandwich and milk down in front of him. "Got any brothers?"

He looked up at her with surprise. "Sorry, just three sisters," he said.

"Damn, the good ones never have brothers," she said, and walked away. Roy blushed even redder at the comment the waitress made. Suddenly, Riza started to laugh. Roy looked up at her quizzically.

"What's wrong?" he questioned.

"I've never seen you blush before."

"Really?" he asked. He took a drink of his milk then a bite of his sandwich.

"In all the years I've known you and all this time we've been together you've never done it."

"I must have," he said.

"No, you haven't," she replied. She took a sip of her milkshake, which turned out to be one of the best things she ever drank before in her life. She chalked it up to the fact she was so thirsty, PMSing, and craving chocolate. They didn't speak another word until Roy was finished with his lunch and Riza was finished with her milkshake.

"You ready to go?" he asked.

"Yes," she answered.

They both stood and walked over to the register to get their bill when Marge didn't bring it over.

"We'd like our bill," Roy said to her.

"You don't have one," she said.

Roy and Riza looked surprised at her words.

"An elderly couple that was here loved watching your dance so much that they paid for your lunch. They said it reminded them of their first date."

"Are they regulars here?" Riza asked.

"Yes, they come in for lunch once a week," she said.

"Will you thank them for us?" Riza questioned.

"You act like you won't be coming back here for a while. Please don't be strangers. And yes, I will thank them for you."

"We'll be back," Roy said, wrapping his arms around Riza's waist.

They left the diner and began the walk back to headquarters.

"That was sweet of those customers," Riza said.

"Yeah, I agree. This feels like a date doesn't it?" he questioned.

"Yes, it does," she said. "It's nice. The milkshakes there are great."

Roy laughed. "You just enjoyed the milkshake?"

"Not only that," she said with a shake of her head.

"I would hope that wasn't the only thing you enjoyed."

"No it wasn't the only thing. I mean the booth seat was comfortable and the service was excellent," Riza said.

He looked at her with a fake pout, causing her to laugh.

"The company was the best part," she said moving her arm around his waist. She loved walking close to him. Not only because she felt protected but also because she loved being near him. She'd always known, even before they'd been able to date publicly, that he loved her. Neither of them had been able to express their love publicly due to the fraternization laws.

As soon as those laws were lifted, it had shocked Riza when she saw how affectionate Roy actually was. She was also proud to say that she was the object of said affection. Even during his "playboy" days, she noticed that he never kissed or held the hands of the women he dated at all. Those women hadn't been military so the frat laws hadn't applied to them. Therefore, she was surprised at the way he acted around her on their first date.

On their dates, he couldn't keep his arms from encircling her body or keep from kissing her every few minutes. He did sweet things like give her flowers in public and yell I love you out in the park, getting everyone's attention. The dance back at the diner was her new favorite. Especially him singing to her softly.

"I take that back," she said.

"Take what back," he questioned.

"The company isn't just the best part. I really liked you singing to me. Would you ever …" she cut herself off and scolded herself for thinking of the silly question that she was about to ask.

"Would I ever what?" he questioned.

"It's nothing, never mind. Forget I said anything."

"What were you going to say?"

"It can wait."

"Riza! Come on," he said in almost a whiny manner. "I am an alchemist. Curiosity is in my genes. You can't just leave me hanging like that. If you do I will be thinking about it all day."

Riza looked down and blushed lightly. "It was silly," she said.

The two crossed the street and walked through the gates of headquarters. Roy stopped her and pulled her behind one of the stone pillars.

"What is it?" he asked. "It can't be that silly."

Riza looked at him. "Promise you won't laugh?"

"I promise," he said.

"I was going to ask if you'd ever consider singing for me again. Not just when we are dancing like that, but when we are alone too. Maybe when we are listening to the radio or something."

Roy grinned. "I don't know why you want to hear this voice of mine but I'll sing to you anytime."

She smiled and kissed him on the side of his mouth. It was a small kiss that she didn't give him often. She called it a sugar kiss and she gave it to him when he was looking or acting particularly sweet. He certainly earned it today. Roy never understood why she thought the kiss was so special. She probably would never tell him why, or the little nickname she had for it.

"What is with that kiss?" he asked.

"I'll never tell," she said teasingly.

"I'll get it out of you someday."

"Don't count on it," she replied.

He took her hand and smiled. They walked out from behind the pillar and Riza suddenly froze when she saw the big stone building of Central Headquarters.

"I… oh god I feel so stupid," she said suddenly. She jerked her hand away from his and went back behind the pillar. Roy blinked with surprise and followed her.

"Riza?" he questioned as he looked down at his wife.

She was sitting on the ground, her back leaning against the stone pillar and her knees were pulled up to her chest.

"I am so stupid," she said again. "My emotions are just…ugh."

Roy took a seat beside her. "Why? Why are you calling yourself stupid Riza?"

"Because I let the pleasure of the last couple of hours cloud reality. I let it all give me the illusion that everything was all right in the world. That nothing changed." She turned to look at him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Things have changed Roy. They've irrevocably changed."

Roy lifted his hand to take the one she rested on his shoulder. He brought it to his mouth and kissed it. "I am not going to lie to you Riza and say they haven't. I am not even going to try and fool myself into believing nothing's changed either."

"There's nothing we can do to fix it!" she said. "It's forever going to hang over us like some thick horrible fog. I'm forever changed Roy. I…I'll never be the woman you fell in love with again." Tears slowly dripped from her eyes. She pulled her hand away from his and wiped them away. "I am so damn tired of being moody. I am tired of making everyone miserable."

She looked down. "Maybe it would be better if we…maybe we should end this."

Roy's eyes widened and his heart began speeding up. Surely, she couldn't mean what he thought she did.

"En…End what?"

"Our marriage," she said. "You…you wouldn't be nearly as…"

"Just fucking stop your words and thoughts right there Mrs. Riza Mustang," he snapped, his anger resonating vividly through his voice's tone. He knew he should have restrained his anger but damn it. To hear the words end and marriage in such a close proximity pissed him off.

Riza was shocked at his tone. Roy had never spoken to her like that before. "Roy…"

She was taken by surprise when he grabbed her arm and pulled her into his embrace.

"You told me to be honest with you at all times and I am going to do just that. I want you to stop talking like a damned idiot," he said, this time his voice softer but the anger still evident.

"I am not an idiot," she protested. "I'm being realistic."

Doctor Lawson had told him that there would be shifts in mood and relapses but he never imagined that she would suggest a divorce.

"Hush and listen to me," he said. "And I want you to listen well. I don't care how many times I have to say this to drill it into your head but I love you. I love every single part of you and nothing is going to change that. You will always be the woman I love Riza, even though this damned rape happened. This is just a part of your past, a bad part that will forever exist. Things have changed yes, but you are still the kind, strong, brave Riza that I have always admired and loved. I am not going to stop loving you for changing because it's a part of life."

He kissed the top of her head before continuing.

"Human beings are always changing. While this and Ishbal were experiences that changed you, hell they changed us both, and so did our marriage. Did it not?"

Riza pulled away slightly to look at his face. "I don't understand. Are you saying our marriage is bad? That you regret it?" She was scared for a moment. Despite her saying that they should end it, she didn't really want to. It hurt to think for a moment that he thought their wedding was a mistake.

"No, that's not what I am saying. I am saying that our wedding was something wonderful for us. It changed the events of our lives and it changed us. Instead of living for just one person, we are now tied to each other through our vows, not just military ranks or goals. And if we ever have a child, we will be changed again. I took my vows at that wedding for better or worse. I love you so much, that I will let you go if you decide you would be happier without me. If you decide you don't want me in your life and if you don't love me. It will hurt but I want to see you happy. Do you love me?"

"More than anything in the world Roy. That's why I offered to let you go. I don't want you to be unhappy," she said and laughed bitterly. "We've been through this before haven't we?"

Yes, we have. I want you to remember something though."

"What's that?" she questioned.

"I would never be unhappy with you. Now I want you stop the ridiculous talk about divorce, me leaving, and my love for you. Anytime you get to feeling that way just come to me and let me hold you and tell you how much I care, all right?"

She nodded and sighed. "I… I don't think I want to go in there today. I don't think I can face him right now. I need to go home and regain some of my composure before I see the bastard that raped me."

"Let's go in and tell Armstrong that you aren't ready. He can hold Gregory in there for as long as he wants. He has probably cause."

They both got to their feet.

"Could you go and let me wait here? I don't want to set foot in there right now. I can't."

Roy nodded. "I'll go. Are you sure you will be alright here by yourself?"

"Yes, I am sure," she said.

Roy nodded and kissed her gently before leaving her.

Riza leaned against the pillar for a moment before she heard something behind the wall nearby. Fear shot through her as she stared at the wall beside the pillar.

She opened her purse and reached in it to grasp a small pistol she remembered having. She didn't want to touch another gun for a while as evident by not wearing her holster. However, her grandfather had insisted that she at least carry one in her purse. She complied with his insistence, more for his peace of mind than her own.

"You behind the wall! Come out with your hands over your head." she said, holding her gun so she could make a quick shot if needed. She screamed at herself. She should have ran away. What if she froze again like the night of her rape. What if she failed again and put Roy and everyone around her through even more grief. Her hands were shaking and she suddenly held the gun tighter to still her hand.

She couldn't freeze; she wouldn't do that ever again. Her life and the lives of those around her depended on her steady mind. She took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes at the wall when no one came out.

"Come out right now! I know you are there!"

Her eyes widened when Maria and Rebecca came out, hands above their heads and shocked looks on their faces. Riza blanched.

"How much did you hear?" she asked in an almost fearful tone. What if they found out about her rape? She would lose her friends! She loosened her grip on the gun.

"Everything," Rebecca said. "We heard everything."

AN: I was struggling with how Maria and Rebecca were to find out if they did. Suddenly I just started typing and it came out this way. Sometimes life takes a turn and things happen that you don't want to and you find out things in a way less than convenient.