Disclaimer: Even after so long, I still don't own anything. Tite Kubo is the rightful owner of everything involving Bleach and I really hope he doesn't mind too much if I'm borrowing these two guys for a little while.
Fourteen
Cracked
There was a burning hunger within the depth of his entire spirit, each press of lips doing nothing but feeding that hunger. His bones and muscles were burning with the desire to get closer to the older man, dig deep within his body and stay there for an eternity. He grabbed fistfuls of Byakuya's uniform, his body so close. Every emotion that Ichigo hid for so long was in that kiss.
His first kiss.
He could have lost himself in the feeling, he could have kissed Byakuya eternally, the way he used to dream every now and then, when he would picture sunny afternoons spent in the garden or in the bedroom, with elegant fingers trailing along his body. His lips would be raw and swollen from too much kissing, too much love pouring through each embrace. He would love completely every touch, every whisper, every honest detail of their love.
How was it that a kiss could break his heart in so many pieces, Ichigo wondered as he tore himself away from Byakuya gasping for air. Everything he has ever wanted was there, in front of him, within his reach and yet he knew without a shadow of a doubt that Byakuya didn't really want him. His heart gave such a painful lurch at that simple thought that Ichigo gasped in pain. Which promptly made Byakuya frown deeper in concern.
"You shouldn't have done that," Ichigo mumbled as he tried to compose himself, to make sense of whatever has happened barely seconds ago. His lips tingled with the ghost of the kiss, spreading within the core of his body. It was a sweet poison and Ichigo would have gladly given his life to it. What has always been horrible when it came to unrequited love was the fact that it always came with the hope that one day that person might begin to feel something for you. The desire was almost palpable in the air and Ichigo would have continued the kiss.
But it would have been for wrong reasons. Selfish reasons.
"Then how was this supposed to happen?" A tinge of disappointment crept into Byakuya's voice and a thousand nuances of that simple little thing made Ichigo tremble in response, composure avoiding him. The older man was still furious, his rage boiling into his onyx eyes, in the tensed posture, even in those barely kissed lips. Ichigo has never seen Byakuya so disheveled, a sight which now appealed so much to him. It proved to him that Byakuya was human after all, that a minimum sense of an emotion could be guessed behind those so often blank eyes.
And yet, no matter how often he has pictured kissing the Kuchiki heir, he has never imagined that he would do it like this, in a moment of utter despair and fury, that he would actually say no and would try to escape it.
"We can't pretend anymore that there is nothing here, Ichigo." Byakuya stated such matter-of-factly that Ichigo burst into a sudden unhappy laugh.
"Oh, man, this is so not how I pictured things would go." He stuttered, inhaling deeply, and then looked at Byakuya determined. "There is nothing to talk about because there is nothing here."
"Excuse me?" Walls were back in place and Byakuya's face gave nothing away as he continued in his cold normal voice. "Nothing? Then I am very curious to hear, Kurosaki, as to how you explain the things you told me before disappearing."
Ichigo honest to God flinched because that had been the second toughest moment in his life, besides his mother's death, and this man was bringing it back so casually that it made Ichigo angry. Byakuya's hands tightened in fists when he saw the reaction.
Both men stood opposite each with their own reasons to fear everything; both had so much to lose and yet so much to gain. However, Ichigo had thought for so long that he couldn't have this that it didn't even once crossed his mind that this might happen after all.
"Call it a moment's madness."
"I won't put such a trivial name to that moment when we both know that this is far from the truth. "
"What the hell do you want then?" Ichigo lashed back, his reiatsu suddenly boiling with all the untold story of his unrequited feelings. "What do you want me to tell you? That what I said back then is true? That I have been so pathetic? Well, it is! Everything is true! So what? Poor stupid Ichigo fell in love with a man, who tried to kill him, who never sees him, who constantly reminds him that soul Society is not his home. Joke on me, right?"
"You know as well as I that I am not that person anymore, that I try to change, I hope that some changes can be already perceived by the people around me." Byakuya looked a little hurt making Ichigo want to swallow his words back.
"I am not saying that you haven't change but so what? How does this change anything between us?"
"Did it ever occur to you that I might feel the same?" Byakuya's so simple question stunned Ichigo into silence. The hope of having his feelings returned has always been there but it has been pointless in believing in it.
"No, it actually never did." He admitted with all the bitterness that he was capable of. "Look, it's not your fault that I fell in love with you. These type of feelings are my responsibility, not yours." Disappointment and hopelessness tinged every word that Ichigo uttered next. "I never asked you for anything Byakuya, but I am asking you this now. Please, drop this off. It's done. Let it be buried forever between us and never speak of it again."
They looked at each other, weighing each other's determination in pursuing this discussion, while Ichigo was trying to send almost telepathic messages to Byakuya to leave him alone, to not continue this conversation. It might have killed him and it wasn't an exaggeration. He had lost too much in a far too short time and he didn't think he could handle losing whatever little friendship Byakuya could give him at the moment.
"I have never pictured you a coward." The older man stated decisively, and judging by the way he was slowly approaching Ichigo, the discussion was far from over.
"I am not a coward. I am just a man with a little sense of self-preservation left in his bones."
"Ichigo, ever since I met you, you never had a sense of self-preservation. You can't even begin to comprehend what that entitles."
"What do you want from me then, Byakuya?" Ichigo said, tiredly raking his fingers through his beautiful orange hair.
"I want you to offer me a chance."
"A chance for what?"
"A chance at this, at whatever is building between the two of us and before you say anything else, I think I am entitled to be listened as well." Byakuya took a step closer and he cupped Ichigo's cheek. The younger man sighed in bitter surrender. "You died." Byakuya murmured bone-wearily. "You died and I was so angry, kept thinking it was impossible for you to just disappear like it was nothing, like you were never there."
"I have never felt so relieved in my life." Ichigo sobbed, completely undone by Byakuya's confession. He couldn't be strong anymore; all his emotions too strong, and too damn hopeless erupted at the surface with a genuine force behind them.
"I know, and I wish you wouldn't feel that way because you were missed. You were terribly missed among your friends and family, among the people you constantly helped and protected. I missed you." Byakuya softly admitted, taking another step, his body so close to Ichigo's, that the orange haired savior could feel its warmth. Still, their only connection was that callous and exquisite hand on his cheek. "You never asked yourself why I was the only person who believed that you were alive. You never asked yourself why I was the only one able to find you. Other people have tried, Ichigo, but I was the only one to do it."
"What?"
"Don't look so perplexed." There was a hint of amusement in Byakuya's voice. "Rukia and your father had used the Moon Rock before me, and yet only I found you. In that darkness, the only thing that kept me going and trust the voice if only for a moment was the hope that I might get you, Ichigo Kurosaki."
"I didn't know that."
"How could you when at every step you dismiss me? You are so convinced that this is never going to happen that you do not bother to look properly. Haven't I told you that I am trying to be better, more humane for you? Haven't I proven myself if only for a little that I can have your trust, that I can take care of you?"
"Byakuya, please, I can't-"
'Yes, you can." The hand went away to grab his nape and force him to look into the captain's unwavering eyes. "This is what I am trying to tell you, Ichigo Kurosaki. Give me a chance. You are the only person that makes me feel alive, that makes me feel. I have never met a person like you. Do not dismiss me so easily and misinterpret things when they are far from the truth."
Ichigo's arms snaked around Byakuya's waist pulling him closer still, grabbing desperately fists of his uniform. The older man tensed for a moment before relaxing completely and hugged Ichigo just as hard, their bodies flushed against each other's. They breathed in unison, sheltering each other from black thoughts and doubts.
Maybe he could have this. Maybe he could try.
"If we are doing this, then you must be all in." He pleaded brokenly. "I can't lose whatever little I have of you, even if it's just your friendship or your respect. Or even just your annoyance."
Byakuya's lips almost touched Ichigo's ear shell, sending delicious shivers down his body, as he whispered.
"I believe I am more convinced of this then you are. But I promise you, Ichigo, that you will never lose me, even if you decided that you don't want a man like me. Even if you decide on something else, you will always have my support. For the first time in my life, I am able to say at last that I have found someone that I genuinely want to protect and be with and that is you, Ichigo Kurosaki. So we shall take it slow."
"Slow?" Ichigo raised his head, a naughty glint in his eyes. "How slow?"
Byakuya's eyes lightened up as he answered in a gruff voice: "Not that slow."
When the second kiss came, Ichigo was prepared. He opened his mouth and let generously the other man map every inch of it. What he wasn't prepared for was the care with which Byakuya was doing it. It had none of the previous hunger and yet it was just as deeper, if not even more intense. Byakuya's tongue would sooth each small nip, each hard press, and Ichigo found himself whimpering each time they would stop for breath, following Byakuya's lips greedily.
When they finally pulled away, both of them were disheveled and Ichigo smiled gently seeing Byakuya so informal, all the previous rage gone as if Ichigo's touch has healed every scar. And maybe they could heal each other.
"Now I want to know what has happened and why you disappeared completely." Byakuya ordered and Ichigo couldn't do anything but obey. They both stood completely silent after Ichigo finished his story and whatever the voice has told him, musing over the details and trying to figure out what was going on.
"Who is the person that you bonded with?" Byakuya queried and Ichigo shrugged.
"It said that everything happened at the time of my disappearance. There were only four other people besides me there: you, Rukia, Renji and Urahara-san."
"And Aizen."
"Aizen?" Ichigo almost spit the word. "But he was already sealed. It is impossible to have bonded with him."
"But then again if we think about it there is some evidence that might suggest the opposite." Byakuya's forehead creased even more. "He knew many things about you and how you felt during battle, he even knew that you were alive, even your reasons for disappearing."
"Yeah, okay, but still-" Nothing appalled Ichigo more than the possibility of being linked in any way to Aizen, even an accidental bonding as this one. And the fact that the voice didn't know about this person's identity made him even more suspicious and uncomfortable. "That is just great." He sputtered petulantly. "Not only do I get to see the psycho again but now I might be bonded to him as well? My life can't suck more than that."
"At the moment there is something that troubles me more than your possible bond with Aizen and that is the identity of the voice. It had kept you away from the real world and it had the power to make your reiatsu, actually your entire being, disappear completely from this world." In spite of the bleak prospects that Byakuya kept mentioning, Ichigo found himself smiling stupidly at the older man, who only frowned upon seeing such unnatural reaction. "What is it, Ichigo?"
"Man, I think I have never mentioned this but you are kind of awesome when you go into your professional mode."
"This is what actually troubles you right now?" Incredulity marred Byakuya's beautiful features.
"Yes, as a matter a fact, I would rather think of that then thinking about all the other things. Truth be told, I don't want to consider the voice as my enemy. It as been far from being so and I'd like to keep it that way. I believe that if its intentions had been to harm me, it would have done so from the very beginning and not heal me and help you guys find me instead."
"But its reasons defy any logic. What are its motivations?"
Ichigo actually blushed a little, making Byakuya's eyes narrow in suspicion.
"It said that it wanted to be with me."
"Wanted to be with you?"
"That's what it said when I questions its motifs." Ichigo had a far away look when he added. "I could feel its presence, like it hugged me."
Byakuya said nothing in response and nothing could be read on his face. Ichigo knew that he shouldn't have been so honest about the voice and whatever nonsense had told him but there were some things that just didn't add up and at this point he was more than willing to rely if only for a little while on others.
"I have to return to the division," Byakuya said abruptly.
"Okay, but do try not to kill Renji or any of the new recruits."
"I can't promise you anything." The tone of the voice was so serious that Ichigo wondered if the older man was joking or not. Nevertheless, when those beautiful grey eyes settled on Ichigo, they were full of warmth. "I will see you tonight at dinner."
"Yes," he replied breathless. And Byakuya seemed for a moment that he might kiss him, but at the last minute he changed his mind and left. Ichigo sighed in frustration.
The following day, Ichigo reported to the sotaichou what has happened and the old man promised him that he would make Urahara send all his research regarding the Hogyokou to Ichigo, but the young shinigami had little hope of finding out too many relevant things out of it.
The trouble was that the small chance of being bonded to Aizen troubled Ichigo quite a lot, especially since he thought that they were quite similar. Both Rukia and Renji had debated strongly and at length that such a thing would be impossible, but Ichigo wasn't so sure. Byakuya had tried to dissuade him from thinking about it as well, through his small touches and his almost there smiles were working miracles on him. And Ichigo was happy to finally have all that but the possibility of being so deeply connected to Aizen made his skin crawl with disgust.
Therefore, about a week later, he decided that he couldn't take it any longer and would visit the fallen captain again. This time he made sure that he left a note to Byakuya where he was, although he cunningly avoided in telling him face to face and he actually had to skip a class for this. Instead he brought Renji with him, who realized half way there that he might have been in bigger trouble than he thought initially.
"The captain doesn't know where going there, does he?" Defeat poured with every spark of reiatsu.
"Nope."
"Oh, man, I am so going to die, and it will be because of you, you stupid orange brat!" Renji slapped him over the back of his head. Hard.
"Hey, why did you do that for?" Petulantly, Ichigo added. "Just so you know, I left him a message, stupid pineapple head. So when he comes home, he'll know where we are."
"I hope that it crossed your stupid mind not to mention my name."
Ichigo thought about the small written message left on Byakuya's desk Gone with Renji to see Aizen. I'll be back in a few and then looked guiltily at his friend. Renji might have exploded violently if they hadn't arrived at the prison.
"Do you want me in there with you?" His best friend asked in a very serious tone of voice and Ichigo appreciated both his concern and determination.
"Yeah."
There were no other words exchanged between them as they entered the black building. Truth be told, none of them had the disposition anymore anyway. This time the keeper of the gates just signaled the guards and didn't make conversation with either of them. He already knew that Ichigo wanted to visit probably the most despised prisoner in there and the red haired lieutenant was allowed in as well only because he was accompanying the young new shinigami.
As a matter of fact, Renji wasn't to keen on being there. At all. Ichigo could tell that by his tensed posture and the way his eyes kept darting around him with a clearly horrified look on his face. There were certain things in Soul Society that were better left unsaid and uncovered. But something told Ichigo that he wasn't going to be spared any time soon.
"You came to me again." Aizen said when he was unsealed, his voice gravely from misuse.
"Yeah," Ichigo raked his fingers through his hair again, "because I need a lesson in Hogyokou's history."
"That is interesting coming from you. I thought that we were done."
"Apparently, we are not." Ichigo looked carefully at the prisoner, see if he could gauge any feeling, any profound connection between the two of them. But there was nothing that he could feel, other than anger and resentment, and that confused him more.
"Something else is troubling you." Aizen's gravelly voice turned to a longing whisper and that made both shinigamis wince in their lack of subtlety.
"Yeah, it does, but I don't think you will be much of help now."
"Don't be so sure, Ichigo Kurosaki. For some people that seem to have all the answers, you spend a lot of time here asking me questions. What is it now? Don't tell me that it is still about the voice."
"I don't want to-"
"Please, Ichigo," Aizen muttered harshly, "spare me. While I have all the time in the world to waste, you seem to have none. And the longer you stay here, the more chances for your icy protector to come here too. Also, you're making your ignorant friend uncomfortable." Aizen ignored Renji's sharp shut up, traitor and continued. "So what do you want to know?"
"Why are you so keen in answering any question that I might have?"
"Again a stupid question but I will answer it this time." Aizen's calculating eyes bore into Ichigo with an unsettling intensity. "Because you are the only person in this filthy society to worth my time. So what is it that you want to know?"
"Are we bonded?" Ichigo asked straight away, making Renji sputter in the corner and Aizen's eyes widen in surprise.
"Why do you want to know that?"
"Just answer the question."
"Yes, I could do that, but the problem is if you will be able to handle the answer."
"I can handle anything at this point."
"Then yes, Ichigo," Aizen answered, his voice full of poison, "we are bonded."
A/N: Pitiful excuses for not updating in some time can be found on my profile if you're interested at all. I just want to thank you for your unwavering support during my absence, for still reading and taking your time to leave a few words or just enjoy my story. I humbly thank you. I apologize for any mistakes left (also I am sure that every now and then a letter might be missing, due to my stupid keyboard but never mind that).