Warning: Strong language

Humanity Is Vulnerable-14e

Roy sat up swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and began to put his boots back on.

Hank hesitated for a moment thinking Roy would ask him what he wanted to discuss. He watched as Roy silently laced up his boots but never questioned his captain.

"Roy, is there something going on I need to know about?"

Roy's hands finished their task of tying his laces but his eyes never looked up. Instead he lingered with his elbows on his knees. "Uh….don't think so. Why?"

Hank licked his lips. "Because you don't look so good…..and it isn't like you to lie down in the middle of the day unless you've had a bad run."

"Just a little tired is all." Roy shrugged his shoulders but Hank noticed he never made eye contact.

Hank saw his opportunity and chose to dive in. "Too tired to drive the squad?"

Roy felt a sense of dread creeping up his spine. He finally found the courage to look his captain in the eye. "What'd Gage tell you?"

Hank didn't like looking down at his men unless he needed to exert his authority. This was not one of those times so he chose to sit on Johnny's bunk so he would be on the same level as his paramedic. He hoped that position would foster a feeling of equality and openness. "Yes, I did talk to John. But I'd rather hear what you have to say."

Roy inhaled a shaky breath and exhaled audibly. Frustration swirled with anger inside his gut making him feel queasy again. He pressed his lips together while he tried to think of something to say.

Hank watched Roy's jaw muscles flexing repeatedly and knew the man was on the brink of discussing the subject at hand; whether he would talk openly with his captain or whether he'd fire a barrage of angry bullets at him remained to be seen. He decided to let the silence work its magic with his paramedic.

Roy grew increasingly uncomfortable with the quiescence knowing that Cap was waiting on him to break it. His nostrils flared briefly. "Ok…I haven't been feeling well lately."

"Well, have you been checked out by a doctor?"

Roy only shook his head. "No need, Cap." His shoulders became more rounded. "It's just stress."

"Stress can kill you, Roy. You know that as well as I do." Hank watched as Roy only nodded his agreement.

"You look like you've lost weight."

"I have a little."

Hank began to feel exasperated. Getting Roy to talk was like mowing the lawn with a pair of scissors so he decided to just lay it all out. "Is it that kid, Peter?"

Roy froze. Now he knew that Johnny had told their captain what had happened earlier. Johnny thought that Peter having HIV was what had Roy so upset and Roy had never told him any differently. That meant that Johnny had told Cap. But had he also told him about Roy's near miss pulling into traffic from Rampart?

"I know that when kids are involved it's tough; especially for us as fathers." Hank hoped he could make a connection with Roy. "This isn't like you, Pal. You aren't normally this shaken up by a patient….and it's certainly never impacted your ability to focus before."

Hank watched as Roy gripped the side of his bed. He noted how rapidly he was breathing now and Hank knew he'd hit a raw nerve.

"What exactly did that bastard Gage tell you?" Roy seethed; his blood shot eyes burning as he stared down his superior.

"Calm down, Roy. My conversation with John is between the two of us…just like this conversation."

Roy stood up and began to pace and tremble. He wanted to be anywhere but in this room with this man at this moment. He wanted to kick something, throw something and punch something…or someone…..all at the same time. "That sonofabitch." Roy muttered running his hands through his hair.

"Roy…..have a seat."

"How could he do this to me? I have one lousy bad day and he runs to you to tattletale on me like some little snot-nosed schoolboy."

Hank knew he had to stop what was happening. He stood up to his full height of six feet four inches and stared down at the slightly shorter man. "Stand down, Roy…..that's an order!"

Roy gulped; he hadn't been spoken to like that since he'd left the service over a decade earlier. His weak knees nearly gave way as he stepped back closer to his bed and sat back down. "Yes, sir." He reached up and wiped his sweaty brow.

"Johnny and I did discuss you…..your health. He's deeply concerned for you as am I. Just so you know….I'm the one who initiated the conversation by asking John what was wrong with you because I happened to see him backing the squad in earlier. He did NOT run to me as a 'tattletale' as you say. And I'll even say this much…..the man was not at all comfortable discussing you with me. "

Then he should've kept his damn mouth shut! Roy thought to himself. He figured he was already in enough trouble so he didn't dare verbalize his thoughts to his captain.

Now, I'll ask you again….what's going on? I'd like to help you but I can't if you won't trust me."

Roy looked up into the eyes of the man he respected like a father. "With all due respect, Captain Stanley…..you can't help me."

Hank looked his man up and down noting the changes in his appearance over recent weeks. "I see….…then I have no choice but to dismiss you and call in a replacement until next shift." He watched as Roy gritted his teeth together and began working his jaw muscles. "Now, take the next few days to get yourself together…..see a doctor if you need to….I can refer you to the department psychologist if you'd like…..then come back here next shift….or whenever….. ready to work. We need you at your best…and right now….you are not at your best."

Roy stiffened his back but dared not look at Hank. He thinks I'm a fucking wack job! Goddamn you, John Gage!

"Any questions?"

"No….sir." He said somewhat sarcastically.

"Very well…..dismissed." Hank waited while the younger man got up and made his way toward the locker room to change. Roy got halfway across the dorm room when Hank called out to him. "Roy…." The younger man paused but didn't turn around. "I'm always available to you….any time day or night on duty or off." He saw Roy drop his head down looking deflated. He hoped the auburn haired man was about to speak but instead he watched Roy slowly continue on his way inside the locker room. He really wanted to help the man but obviously Roy didn't feel like he needed any help. Once Roy left the room, Hank stood up and made his way to his office. He needed to contact headquarters to call in a replacement paramedic.

E!

"Jo-baby," Louise began. "What's happened between you and Roy?"

Joanne couldn't fight her emotions any more. "Mom, I….I wish I knew." She sniffed and Louise reached for the box of tissues on the nightstand.

"Here."

"Thanks." Joanne whispered taking the proffered box and pulling out a couple of the white squares. She wiped her eyes and nose then inhaled a deep ragged breath. "Mom, he….he doesn't love me anymore."

"Oh, baby….come here." Louise pulled her daughter into a sideways hug and allowed Joanne to lay her head on her shoulder as though she were a small child. "What makes you say that?"

"I don't know." Joanne lied. She couldn't tell her mother about his supposed infidelity. "I just don't feel it."

"Joanne, look at me?" Louise pulled back slightly pulling her daughter's chin up so that she could see into her pretty eyes; eyes that were now glowing green amid the red background they were swimming in. "Has he told you he doesn't love you?"

"No….not in so many words." Joanne leaned back against her mother's shoulder. "But, he doesn't act like it."

"And how is he acting differently?"

"I don't know, Mom…..he just is." She pulled out another handful of tissue and blew her nose.

Louise was not a woman who tolerated having her questions avoided. She wanted to get to the bottom of this and she needed answers now. She decided to switch tactics.

"Ok…is it money, the kids, or sex?"

"MOTHER!" Joanne cried cringing inwardly.

"Well, I know he doesn't make much money and he thinks I hold that against him….which I don't. He's in an honorable profession and he saves lives….alot of lives. I wish he were able to provide a better living for his family but that's just not in the cards for a firefighter. As for the kids….let's see, Chris is a teenager now so I know that can cause a lot of marital strife. He wants to discipline Chris one way and perhaps you another. That happens in pretty much every household with children eventually so that might be it…but…." She again, turned her daughter's face upwards. "You said he didn't love you any more…..or that you didn't feel like he loved you anymore. That means it involves sex….am I right?"

"MOM! I am NOT having this conversation with you!" Joanne stood up then and walked back over to the window. She looked out and saw her children lost in a conversation of their own. Jennifer still sat in the swing barely moving with her face cocked sideways looking over at Chris. Chris was leaning against the tree trunk sitting on one of the unearthed roots at its base. He was shaking his head in agreement with whatever his younger sister had just said. Roy and I used to talk so easily. Why can't we talk now?

Louise remained seated on Joanne's bed. "Honey…you act like your father and I never enjoyed a little hanky panky…..how do you think you and your sister got here?"

Joanne tried to clear her head of unbidden images of her parents engaging in romantic interludes.

"You and Roy have two beautiful children and I know you didn't find them under a cabbage leaf..….I read somewhere once that each generation thinks they invented the pleasures of sex…it's been around for a very long time, sweetheart. And so have the problems that can go along with it. Now, sit down here and let's talk about them…..woman to woman…..not mother to daughter….ok?"

E!

Roy changed into his civvies and then crammed his uniform into his duffle bag. Gage better stay the hell away from me. He thought as he shoved his work boots into his duffle bag a little harder than necessary.

He pulled the strap over his shoulder and shoved the locker room door open with enough force that it slammed into the brick wall of the apparatus bay.

Johnny had just walked outside to take out the garbage when the slamming noise made him look up. Angry blue eyes locked with worried brown ones as Roy once again worked his jaw muscles and clenched his fist.

Johnny wanted to say something but he had no idea what to say. He stood near the garbage cans behind the station as Roy made his way to his car which unfortunately was parked opposite the hose tower in the back lot. To get to his car he had to walk directly past the spot where his partner was standing. He felt his blood boil as he got closer to Johnny.

Johnny instinctively backed up against the wall as his best friend charged past. "Roy….I…"

Roy wanted to ignore Johnny but he just couldn't. Once he got to the spot where they were side by side he spoke through gritted teeth. "How many times, Junior?" Roy turned slightly, squaring up his shoulders with his partner. "How many times have I covered for you when you were off flirting with some new nurse at Rampart….doing your best to get in her panties …and when I have a problem you can't wait to run tell Cap. Well… let me tell you something you cocky little asshole. I'm through with you! I'm getting a new partner. Hell, I'll transfer out of this hellhole if I have to just to keep from working with you, you mother fuckin' sonofabitch!" Roy growled as he pointed his index finger at a startled John Gage. "I regret every time I ever pulled your sorry useless ass out of a fire….you miserable …..and…" Roy was seething and could feel the rivulets of sweat pouring down his temples. "Fuck you!" He mumbled turning to finish his trek to his car.

A stunned…and very dejected John Gage…..stood against the brick wall of the station; the lid to the garbage can still in his right hand. He fought to catch his breath and calm himself down before he replaced the lid and made his way into the latrine. He needed to splash some cold water on his face before he could face the rest of his crew.

E!

"Here you go, sweetheart." Louise Mathis handed her daughter a steaming cup of chamomile tea with honey. "This will help you relax so we can talk."

"I don't need to relax, Mom."

"Oh yes …..you do." Louise sipped her own cup while she waited for Joanne to do the same.

"What if the kids come looking for me?"

"They won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because, Grandma Lou got out the cookies, chips and soda and asked them to watch television for a while." Louise grinned with a glint of mischief in her eyes. "It won't hurt them to eat junk food for one afternoon; especially if it gives us some uninterrupted time."

Joanne shook her head in exasperation taking another sip of her tea then setting the saucer down on her nightstand. She blew her nose again then released a slight chuckle. "Guess you do know about sex and raising kids, huh?"

"That's right….." Louise hesitated before she continued. "And, believe it or not I know a thing or two about marital conflict."

Joanne gulped then slowly looked up at her mother. "What? You and Dad had problems?" Joanne watched stunned as her mother took another sip and nodded. "I….I never knew."

"We didn't want you to know. It was important that you girls felt safe and secure in your home…so we kept our issues between us…and we worked them out too."

"I don't know if Roy and I can, Mom. He….." She sniffed again shaking her head negatively as she lowered her chin; tears splashed onto her hands.

"Oh for God's sake, Joanne." Louise knew what she had to do and truthfully she was going to be just as embarrassed as Joanne was but she had to get the young woman talking. "Just say it. Is he having problems getting an erection? Is he climaxing too soon for you?"

Joanne's heart leaped into her throat and she thought for a moment that she would faint. Her mother was asking questions about what she and Roy did in the privacy of their bedroom. "Uh….he…well he…."

Louise heard her daughter's stuttering and so she pressed forward knowing that she was heading in the right direction or else Joanne would have stopped her. "Ohhh, I think I see…do you feel like you aren't as attractive to him since the kids came along? Perhaps things don't feel quite the same as they once did?"

"No! I mean…..I don't know…to me they do but…" She hesitated.

"But what?"

Joanne jumped to her feet; her discomfort with the conversation evident. "I…I think….." She sniffed again. "He's having an affaaiirr." She cried drawing out her last word as she began to wail.

Louise held her daughter while she wept; gently pulling her trembling body back down onto the bed. She felt Joanne's thin frame shaking beneath her embrace. She held her until she began to settle down constantly soothing her with her gentle caresses along her arms and back. Finally, when Joanne had cried herself out Louise pulled back slightly and looked into her daughter's red and swollen face.

"Have you caught him with another woman?"

Joanne couldn't find her voice. She only nodded.

"Then what makes you think he's cheating on you, Baby?"

Joanne's breath hitched as she tried to speak. "I….I found his….his shirt…lip….had lipstick on it." She hiccupped as she tried, albeit incoherently, to explain the situation to her mother.

Louise gulped as her stomach clinched. "Joanne…..where was it?"

Joanne leaned her head back down onto the firm shoulder of her mother. "In…the clo…..clothes hamper."

"Ssshhhh…I meant where was the lipstick?"

"Left…shoulder." Joanne continued to sniffle.

"Ok….where had he been?" Louise continued slowly soothing Joanne with her gentle touches along her upper arm as they sat side by side on her childhood bed.

"Bar…."

"Why was he at a bar? Hasn't he always spent time with the three of you when he was off duty?"

Joanne inhaled deeply trying to calm herself down enough to speak. "We…uh…had a disagreement."

Joanne picked her head up reaching for another handful of tissue. "He…ah…we were watching the news when this gay disease was being announced and….Chris….he made a comment about not caring if a bunch of queers died."

Louise huffed; she was beginning to understand Roy's frustration with his son. "Ok….and what exactly did Roy say?"

"That he….ah…he better not hear Chris say that again." Joanne felt herself crumble at her own words. Somehow what Roy had said didn't seem so bad anymore.

"And that caused your disagreement?"

"He…ah…he said 'damn it'." Joanne squeaked out. "He felt like…um….like Chris was devaluing human life."

"And I have to agree, sweetheart." Louise thought for a moment. "But how did he end up in a bar? Did the two of you have a fight about him swearing in front of the children or was it how he wanted to punish Chris? I'm still confused."

Joanne felt a sense of shame cloaking her. "Yes….I got mad at him for swearing in front of the kids and….I sent the kids to their rooms so he and I could talk but…he left." She took another sip of her tea. "He came home late smelling like cigarettes. The next day when I pulled his clothes out of the hamper to wash them….I…I saw the lipstick on his shirt."

"And how did he explain it?"

Joanne felt her eyes burn again. She could only shake her head negatively.

"Oh, sweetheart." Louise reached out to her again. "You haven't asked him have you?"

Joanne didn't answer her mother's question; she didn't have to.

Several minutes passed with neither woman saying a word. Finally, Louise once again pulled back from Joanne and looked her directly in the eye. "Honey…..when was the last time you and Roy actually talked?"

Joanne shrugged her shoulders like a young teenage girl who didn't want to answer a question.

"Ok…..when was the last time you told him you loved him?"

Joanne didn't know she had any more tears left and yet they once again began to pour. "Oh, Mom…..I don't even remember."

Louise closed her eyes and allowed her own tears to fall. "And, when was the last time he told you he loved you?"

Joanne pressed a tight fist to her mouth. "This…..this morning….he sent me roses and…and it was on the card."

Louise watched as Joanne's shaky hand reached inside her purse on the nightstand. She withdrew the small card that had been sent with the roses. Louise reached out her hand as Joanne offered her the card to read. She carefully opened it with her free hand and read the words written on it. It did not escape her that Roy had asked Joanne about talking when he got off shift in the morning. And yet she'd run away instead.

Again, Louise looked her daughter in the eye. "Joanne…you do still love him, dear." She then pulled her close into another hug. "Honey, only people we truly love can hurt us the way you are hurting right now. If you didn't love him then what's going on between you might make you angry…..but it wouldn't hurt. Now, my guess is…..since Roy sent you roses this morning and said he loved you on the card…..then he's feeling hurt too."

"Why should he be hurt? He cheated on me!"

"You don't know that for sure. I agree that it looks suspicious but…Jo-Baby….he didn't try to hide the shirt. What if some inebriated woman stumbled and he caught her to keep her from getting injured?"

Joanne set her lukewarm tea on the nightstand and pulled out a handful of tissues. "I….I never thought of that…" She blew her nose as she continued to sniff. "Oh Mom….what have I done?"

Louise leaned in and lightly kissed her daughter on the forehead. "You've been hurt…..and you've done some hurting…you're human….and so's your husband. Now….the question is….what are you going to do about it?"

E!

Roy turned into his driveway stopping with a screech of his tires. He jerked up the emergency brake and then grabbed his duffle bag as he hurriedly exited his car slamming his door. He wasn't surprised to see the garage empty knowing that Joanne had taken the kids to her mother's for the week. Truthfully, he was glad she wasn't back yet. At least he'd have a little while to himself to figure out what he was going to tell her about why he was home in the middle of his shift.

He fumbled with his keys until he managed to get the front door unlocked then pushed open the door. He yanked his key out of the lock with a slight twist causing the deadbolt to push out slightly. It banged on the doorframe as he took out some of his anger by slamming yet another door but the deadbolt left it slightly ajar.

He dropped his duffle bag just inside the doorway and made his way into the kitchen where he was stunned to see the roses he'd ordered sitting in the middle of the kitchen table. She did get 'em before she left…why didn't she call? He pulled open the refrigerator and snagged a cold bottle of beer. He didn't normally drink this early in the day but then again, he didn't normally get sent home because of his partner's big mouth either. You're gonna pay for this, Gage! He thought as he twisted off the cap and turned up the bottle. He ran the cold bottle across his sweat covered forehead releasing an obnoxious belch. He continued guzzling the cold brew while he stewed over the events of the morning. A few moments later, set the nearly empty bottle down on the kitchen counter then decided he needed a shower to help him cool off.

He made his way up the stairs and pushed open the door to their bedroom. He reached into his chest of drawers for a fresh t-shirt and boxers. Turning to head into the master bath he noticed a piece of paper lying in the middle of their neatly made-up bed. "What the hell?" He mumbled reaching for the note.

His blue eyes darted across the page as he processed the words in the familiar cursive handwriting of his wife. Roy's hands trembled as the room began to sway and spin. His mouth went dry and his knees buckled causing him to drop the note. He tried to sit on the edge of the bed but missed and ended up pooled in a heap on the floor beside their bed; one hand clutched his chest and the other ran through his hair while he began to gasp for air while the impact of what he'd just read took root deep inside his broken heart. His family, his entire world, was gone.