A/N: Hello and welcome back! I always enjoy hearing from everyone and the ideas you guys have been giving me lately are amazing! I will do my best to incorporate them all. I apologize this is coming so late, the semester has just started and I am trying to adjust to new classes. Anyway, enjoy!
Chapter Fourteen
"Yeah, I'm here. Are you coming back soon?" There is a pause in the conversation, but Rufus is the first to speak.
"Honestly Lil, I think I need some time. I think I am going to stay at the loft tonight."
This is it, Rufus is officially starting to create space between them. Lily has finally done enough to push him away. As much as it devastates her, she understands, especially after Natalie admitted that they had to sedate her. If roles were reversed, Lily would not know how to approach Rufus again after that. He needs time and Lily is willing to give that to him as long as he comes back because she does not think she can survive without him.
Natalie sees disappointment combined with guilt chase across her patient's features. Whatever Rufus just said to Lily has undoubtedly affected her in some way. She mentally prepares for questions to ask Lily after she hangs up the phone. Natalie is afraid that Lily will totally shut down after this and be unwilling to begin a session.
"Oh…" Lily says, unsure of anything else to say. She wants the opportunity to explain that the reason they had to sedate her was out of her control. Rufus has to understand that her mind is playing tricks on her and she wishes that it was possible to take everything back because she would.
Rufus feels a tinge of guilt based on Lily's reaction. He knew there was going to be an overwhelming urge to run back to Manhattan to be with her, but he can squash it. What Rufus is asking is fair. A night away to decompress is what he needs and Lily has to be able to feel comfortable by herself. He still a little irritated at her for disappearing this morning and has not completely forgiven her for it yet.
"Yeah…I should probably spend some time with Dan and Jenny. I haven't been at the loft much." Rufus nibbles on the inside of his cheek, he should not be using his kids as an excuse. Lily deserves to know the truth even if it might hurt her. He wishes he could take back what he just said for a more honest response.
Lily swallows and clears her throat, not wanting tears to be evident in her voice. She should not be taking this so personally, Rufus is not obligated to stay with her every night. Although, she is annoyed that he is blaming it on his kids when they both are aware of why he is not coming back to the penthouse.
"Okay, I understand."
"I'll see you tomorrow Lil, call me if you need anything." Lily purses her lips and contemplates her response. She wonders if he would come back if she asks him to. A part of her is too angry at him for leaving that she does not want to find out. Lily is determined to spend the night without Rufus to prove to herself and him that she does not need him here. "I love you."
Lily lets out a deep breath and lets a tear roll down her cheek, too quick for her to catch it. She believes him, but she wishes that he was here. It is her own fault that he isn't.
"I…I'll talk to you tomorrow." Lily whispers and hangs up the phone. She cannot bring herself to say it back even if it will cause more of a rift between them. Lily sniffs, glancing over at Natalie who is practically squirming in her seat.
"What happened?" Natalie asks. She is not expecting an elaborate answer from Lily since she never provides one. Plus, it really is not her business regardless if Lily is her patient. All Natalie wants to hear is how Lily is processing everything that has occurred in the past twenty four hours.
"He's…not coming." Lily says with a shrug.
Natalie is surprised that Rufus is not rushing back here to be by Lily's side. She would have thought that would have been his first reaction when Lily called. Although, Natalie can sympathize with him since she saw him cry after they had to sedate Lily.
"How does that make you feel?" Natalie asks and then cringes. She swore to herself that she would never ask Lily that question, but it seems necessary in this situation. Finding out Lily's dominant emotion is the key to helping her.
"It's fine. I am glad that he is staying with the kids. I know he feels guilty for not being with Dan and Jenny." Lily can hear herself rambling and providing an excuse for Rufus instead of telling Natalie how she actually feels.
Natalie quirks an eyebrow, not believing Lily for a second. She knows by now how to tell when her patient is deflecting. Natalie let Lily control the session in her office earlier today and it ended up with her being sedated. The therapist is desperately trying not to make the same mistake twice.
"Why do you think Rufus is staying at the loft?" Natalie asks, expecting to upset Lily a little. Sure enough, Natalie sees Lily's jaw clench and braces herself for the bitter comment about to be thrown her way.
"Why did you have to sedate me? I think we should talk about that instead." Lily avoids talking about how she feels regarding Rufus entirely. The truth is, she feels incredibly betrayed by what he and Natalie did. She was expecting him to stick around so they could work through it together, but he would rather hide in Brooklyn and that pisses her off.
"I'm sorry Lily, I felt it was the best choice given the intensity of your flashback." Natalie chooses her words with precision. Blaming Lily for something that was out of her control is only going to agitate her further. She will take full responsibility for using Haldol on Lily because it was her decision. Rufus went along with it because he trusted Natalie's professional opinion. Lily should not hold him accountable for that.
Lily refuses to meet Natalie's eyes after her apology. She feels horrible for whatever she said or did to Rufus during her flashback.
"Do you think that's why he is not here? Is it because of something I did to him?"
Natalie shakes her head immediately. Rufus took what happened hard, but she knows that he does not blame Lily for any of it. He comprehends that she truly believed that he was Jack and that she was back in that bathroom in the midst of her attack. The therapist does not know exactly why Rufus chose to stay behind, but she is not going to theorize.
"So you said the last thing you remember before the flashback was arguing with Rufus, right?"
Lily nods and takes in a shaky breath.
"Yeah, that sounds right. Nothing else after that is clear."
"What were you arguing about?"
"Us…well…kind of. I yelled at him for inviting my mother over, which he probably didn't do. God forbid CeCe isn't involved in everything…" Lily trails off and looks up at Natalie, recognizing the inquisitive look on her face. Her therapist wants to ask about the strained relationship between CeCe and Lily, but is debating with herself whether she should.
"Okay…Lily, do you mind if we talk about what I saw between you and your mother today? It's none of my business…"
"You're right it isn't." Is Lily's reflex response and then bites her lip. She should not be snapping at Natalie for trying to dissect something so blaringly obvious. Of course Natalie would have questions after what she witnessed earlier. "My mother and I don't get along. It has been that way since I was nineteen."
Natalie spots the connection immediately. Although, when she and Lily first got back, Rufus seemed to be on CeCe's side during their brief argument. However, she is aware that there is more to this story.
"I am just speculating here, but the reason you and your mother are at odds is because she disapproves of your relationship with Rufus." The astonished expression on Lily's face makes Natalie think that she is correct in her assumption.
"My mother's specialty is meddling, especially when it has to deal with me and Rufus."
Natalie is not a fan of Lily's mother, even from their quick encounter in the living room after sedating Lily. CeCe comes off as very controlling and manipulative, much like Natalie's own mother. It bothered Natalie how Lily's mother was so quick to insinuate that her daughter is not making any progress and should be sent off to a psychiatric facility to be 'taken care of'.
"Your mother and my mother should have a competition to see who sucks the most."
Lily laughs, finding some comfort in knowing that she is not the only one dealing with a psychotic mother.
"My mother would win, I can guarantee it."
"Why do you think your mother is here now?" Natalie asks, even though the answer is pretty obvious. It might not be to Lily given her perception of CeCe.
"My mother is concerned that I am embarrassing myself in front of everyone on the Upper East Side just like I did when I started dating Rufus twenty years ago. She could care less of how I am actually feeling about my attack."
Interesting. Natalie would expect Lily to roll her eyes and say that her mother is worried about her because of the rape, followed by a reason as to why her concern is invalid. Natalie is not sure of exactly what Lily means by embarrassing herself, but she is going to relate that to the drinking for now and circle back to that later on in their sessions.
"From a mother's perspective though, if you heard about something awful that happened to your daughter, wouldn't you do everything in your power to make it better?"
"Of course I would. I would do anything for Serena, no matter what."
"So why are you so reluctant to accept your mother's help?"
"My mother betrayed me! She doesn't get to tell Rufus about our son without my consent and then come back like nothing is wrong!" Lily exclaims, finally showing some emotion since she got off the phone with Rufus. Her eyes are sprinkling with tears as she ducks her head, embarrassed by her own admission.
Natalie slowly nods, wondering when Lily would finally talk about her son. When it was brought up earlier, Natalie could tell how CeCe blushed, appearing to be embarrassed that Lily would talk about it in front of her and Rufus. She needs more to go on though; but she has to tread carefully because this is a sensitive topic for Lily.
"What happened to your son?"
Lily sniffs, it still hurts her to talk about it with anyone, which is why she has avoided discussing it with Rufus. They have not had a chance to since before her rape, but her mother coming back dredges up that issue again, which is why Lily wanted her to stay away.
"He died. Rufus didn't know about him until my mother told him recently. We went to find him in Boston a day before I was raped, but his adoptive parents said that he drowned in a boating accident."
"I'm sorry." Natalie whispers and lets Lily have a moment to compose herself. No wonder she is falling apart, that is too much to handle for anyone in such a short amount of time. Natalie cannot imagine losing a child, one that she guesses, Lily and Rufus never got the chance to know.
"Looking for him is what brought me and Rufus back together." Lily says after a few minutes of silence.
"Why do you blame your mother for telling him then? If that's what helped reestablish you and Rufus as a couple."
Lily narrows her eyes at Natalie, wondering why she is not following along with her. This should not have to be explained as to why she is furious with CeCe.
"My mother had no right to tell Rufus about him, that was not her place."
"That may be, but did you ever ask your mother why she did it? There is probably a logical, but still, very messed up explanation for why she went behind your back."
"If I wanted to be lied to, I would ask her. My guess would be that my mother told Rufus because she knew that it would make him never want to be with me and she almost succeeded. I have never seen Rufus that angry before and I hated that it was at me."
Natalie chews on her lower lip, wondering how she can break through to Lily. It is not her place to be dictating Lily's relationship with CeCe, but there might be a chance for their relationship to be salvaged which would make things easier on her patient.
"I am probably the last person that should be telling you this, but here it goes anyway; I want you to talk to your mother about your son. This won't be easy and I wouldn't be suggesting it if I didn't think it would have some therapeutic benefit for you. Fighting with your mother is probably the last thing you need right now on top of everything else that has happened."
Lily pouts at Natalie's assignment for her. She would rather have her mother just go back to wherever she came from and leave her alone. Lily does not really want to hear an explanation from CeCe about Andrew because she does not think it will help. The only person's input she cares about on the matter is Rufus'.
"Natalie, are you trying to use your position as my therapist to trick me into making up with my mother?"
Natalie blushes, something Lily has never seen her do before. Lily quirks an eyebrow and crosses her arms, waiting for an explanation from her therapist.
"Not intentionally, but if it happens, then I wouldn't be opposed to it."
"Well, don't get too excited. She will probably come back here, figure out Rufus is gone and then jump for joy."
Natalie nods and tries to get a reading on Lily, whether she should push to have this session continue or not. She still has not figured out how her patient feels about anything that has happened recently because Lily keeps dodging the question. Natalie has to come up with a roundabout way to solve her dilemma. Clearly asking Lily to address her own emotions is not working.
"Have you talked to Rufus about your son at all?"
Again, the therapist is aware that she could easily be shut down again. Lily is proficient at dodging a particularly sensitive question, but Natalie thinks her patient will play along this time.
"We did, the night we came back from Boston….the night before I was raped, but we haven't talked about it again since for obvious reasons."
"Oh my god! That was…amazing…" Lily breathes out as she winds down from her orgasmic high. She cuddles into Rufus, sprinkling a kiss to his chest before resting her head on it. Rufus tightens his grip on her and brushes a kiss to her hair.
Rufus does not say anything back, which causes Lily to become suspicious. She tilts her head up at him, watching as his mind drifts off someplace else. Although, she has a pretty good guess as to what he is thinking about. It has been in the back of both their minds since they left the café earlier this afternoon.
They briefly discussed it on the way up the stairs to his loft, but the conversation was dropped as soon as they saw their kids. All they told Dan, Serena, Eric and Jenny was that they did not have to worry about sharing a sibling anymore because he was dead. The subject was quickly dropped and the conversation shifted towards Lily and Rufus' rekindled relationship.
Lily shifts in bed, capturing his attention by placing a kiss to his lips. Rufus responds immediately and cups her cheek, pushing her down into the pillows. She moans and lazily drapes her arms around the back of his neck, but he lets their kiss collapse moments later.
"Lil, are we ever going to talk about this?" Rufus whispers, whisking a loose piece of hair back behind her ear. Lily sighs as Rufus shifts his weight off of her and maneuvers back to lay next to her in bed.
"I…don't know what to say. I wish things could have turned out differently for us, for him." Lily wanted more than anything to be reunited with their son, but like she said earlier, maybe they just weren't meant to be a family. At least she has Rufus now out of this whole horrible situation.
"Me too, but at least I have you." Rufus says, thinking now is not the right time to have a full-fledged conversation. They both need time to grieve before they can approach this topic again. He does not want to be responsible for ruining their night of reconnecting. They can talk about this later after they have had time to digest.
Lily lips stretch into a wide grin as her eyes crinkle at the corners. She is glad that Rufus is not angry at her for what happened, he has every right to be. They missed out on valuable time with their son because of her and that is something Lily might never forgive herself for. However, all she wants to think about how she is in her own bed with Rufus, with no other distractions.
"I love you," Lily whispers and leans forward to kiss him.
"I love you too," Rufus says back and coils his arms around Lily to bring her on top of him, smiling when she gasps in shock.
Natalie furrows her eyebrows when Lily is done recounting her alleged conversation with Rufus. The therapist notices that contrary to what Lily might believe, she and Rufus really did not discuss their son's death.
"Do you think you and Rufus are going to talk about your son again?"
"I don't know, I don't really want to see him right now, but maybe."
"Why are you mad at Rufus? I thought you said that it was good that he was spending time with his kids." Natalie is trying to trap Lily into confessing how she really feels about Rufus leaving her. Lily glares at Natalie, recognizing what tactic she is using.
"He did the one thing he promised he wouldn't do."
"Which was?"
"Leave." Lily whispers and pauses to catch a tear toppling over her eyelid. "He kept reassuring me that n-n-no matter what I did or s-s-said, he wouldn't leave me, but he did. I feel so…betrayed."
Natalie pretends to focus on her lap in order to gain some composure. The therapist did not realize the ramifications her decision to sedate Lily would have on her patient's relationship. She feels responsible even if it was truly nobody's fault.
"Lily, I understand why you feel the way you do, trust me. However, I think I should tell you that Rufus felt terrible…he was crying."
Lily is stunned by Natalie's revelation and has a hint of remorse for being so angry at him. She opens her mouth to speak, but closes it when the elevator doors ding open. Serena and Eric walk into the living room, confused as to why their mother is talking to the same person she was with when she came back to the penthouse earlier this morning.
"Hi mom, what's going on?" Serena is the first person to say something.
Natalie keeps quiet, looking at Lily for any indication as to how she should respond. Based on doctor-patient confidentiality, she is required not to disclose to anyone, including Lily's children that their mother is her client. Lily rolls her lips and does a cautionary rub of her eyes.
"Eric, Serena, this is Natalie Cormier, my therapist. She has been helping me…talk about my attack." Lily explains to Eric and Serena who look appropriately shocked.
"Oh…well, nice to meet you," Eric says to Natalie. Serena waves and smiles at Natalie.
"I'm going to go, but I would like to see you in the next few days. Call my office and my receptionist will set you up with an appointment." Natalie gathers her things, thinking that Lily needs a break for now. Lily stands up and follows Natalie to the elevator.
"Thanks, I am glad Rufus picked you." Lily says sheepishly. Natalie throws her long blonde hair over her shoulder as she struggles to get her coat on.
"No problem, remember to do your homework, I will be asking you for an update at your next appointment." Natalie smirks at Lily and steps into the elevator. Lily lets out a breath and walks back into the living where Serena and Eric are waiting.
Lily sits on the couch in sandwiched between her children. They both have a million questions they want to ask, but are hesitating, not knowing if their mother is willing to talk. Every time Eric and Serena have been around Lily in the past week, she is either drunk, crying, or on the verge of tears. It is not fair to her children that Lily has yet to discuss anything regarding the rape with them. Even admitting to her kids that she is seeing a therapist is a monumental step for her, one that she wishes Rufus could be here to witness.
"How was lunch with Dan and Jenny?" Lily asks, just to ignite a conversation that does not involve her well-being for once. Serena and Eric's eyes flicker around the penthouse, wondering why Rufus is not here with their mother.
"It was fine, where's Rufus?" Eric asks. Lily's top teeth roll her bottom lip while she wrings her hands.
"He's at the loft, I think he is staying there for the night." Serena quirks an eyebrow. She and Eric hung around the loft, just in time for Rufus to come back. They both thought that he was taking a breather and not actually staying there so they did not question it.
Lily looks defeated, a common expression that she has been wearing the past week. Serena would ask, but she knows that her mother would not tell her the whole truth anyways.
"Well…that's alright, I am assuming that grandma left too. That overwhelming smell of Chanel Number Five and gin isn't wafting through the penthouse anymore. It was starting to make me nauseous," Eric jokes and glances over at his sister, noticing her furrowed eyebrows. Serena wants to ask Lily about the pills and why she left, but the teenager does not want to agitate her mother any more than she already is.
"Yeah, I think I was boring her," Lily quips. Eric and Serena crack tiny smiles, thinking that their mother being irritated at their grandma is slightly hilarious.
"Natalie seems nice, I liked her Burberry coat," Serena says, easing her mother into talking about what she really wants to discuss with her. Lily chuckles quietly at her daughter's comment.
"She is…listen guys, I am…so…" Lily trails off, sensing her throat become thick with tears, "sorry…for everything that you two have had to see this past week. I-I-It's not fair." She sniffs and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.
"Mom, it's fine, we know it hasn't been easy for you," Eric says for him and his sister. Serena nods in agreement and rests her head on Lily's shoulder.
"N…no…it hasn't," Lily laughs and dusts a kiss on Eric's forehead and then Serena's. She has missed this time she spends with her kids, their strained relationship has been getting better. It means the world to her that they are being so supportive and understanding. "I'm going to go lie down for a little bit."
Lily puts her hands on both of her children's thighs and then stands up, heading to her bedroom. She needs some time to decompress after her long session with Natalie and talking to her kids. Even if it is doubtful that she will actually sleep, Lily is going to try anyway.
The elevator doors ding open and Lily rises out of bed, thinking that Rufus has come back, hat in hand, and ready to talk. She pushes the covers back and races downstairs, finding it odd that neither of kids are around.
"Hello Lily, have you missed me?" Jack asks with a smirk on his face.
RUN! Lily's mind screams at her and she quickly turns around, but Jack's reflexes are too fast.
"Where do you think you are going?" Jack asks and snatches her wrist, throwing her up against the wall. His hot breath is bouncing off her neck as his lips try to attach themselves to hers. Lily is squirming against him, flashbacks of the night at the opera are replaying in her mind.
"RUFUS!" Lily screams at the top her lungs, even though she knows he is not here. Jack is momentarily stunned by the shrill volume of her voice and loosens his grip. Lily takes the opportunity to run upstairs towards her bedroom, hoping to barricade herself in there until someone can help her.
"You aren't going anywhere you little bitch!" Jack yells and grabs onto her hair, yanking her back towards him. Lily's hand flies up to her hair where Jack is holding her captive. She digs her fingernails into his skin in an attempt to break free.
"Let me go! Rufus, help!" Jack tugs at her hair, drawing her within inches of his face. His lips crash into hers which she resists at all costs.
"Rufus and Chuck aren't here to help you this time Lily," Jack whispers in her ear. He laughs at the horror etched in Lily's features. Lily groans in pain when Jack throws her against the wall of the staircase before dragging her upstairs, her fighting every step of the way.
"Mom! Mom, wake up!" Serena yells and shakes Lily's shoulder. The teenager could hear her mother scream from her bedroom. Lily jolts awake and glances around with her eyebrows furrowed. She does not recall falling asleep, let alone having a nightmare. Her eyes lock on her daughter, who looks absolutely terrified of her. Lily lets out a deep breath and pushes down her tears. She feels ashamed that her daughter has seen her when she is like this. Usually, Rufus is the one who is consoling her after a particularly haunting nightmare.
"I'm fine Serena," Lily says automatically. She is so accustomed to dissolving into tears and Rufus wrapping his arms around her that she does not know how else to articulate herself, especially to her teenage daughter.
Serena scoffs and sits on the edge of the bed, next to Lily. The teenager is so tired of hearing her mother lie about her feelings. It is not helping anyone, especially her.
"Mom, you were screaming for Rufus to save you. You are not fine." Serena watches her mother's bottom lip quiver before she dissolves into tears. The teenager hesitantly rubs her mother's back, but retracts her hand when Lily flinches away from her.
"It…it was…J-Jack...he was h-here…in the penthouse." Lily whispers and sniffs loudly. She does not know if she should be telling her daughter this, but it might help feel more comfortable talking to her children about her rape without providing the graphic details she usually reserves for Rufus or Natalie.
"Mom, there is no way that could happen. Jack will never be let out of jail."
"I know, darling," Lily appreciates Serena's reassurances even if she is wrong. Jack could easily manipulate his way out of prison, Lily is frighteningly aware of that.
"Do you need to take an Ambien or something?" Serena asks. Lily crinkles her eyebrows, wondering how her daughter could possibly know about the medication that was prescribed to her.
"How did you….?"
"I badgered Rufus into telling me after I caught him lying about calling Eleanor to check to see if you were there."
Lily slowly nods her head, wondering who else Rufus told about her taking the Ambien. She wants to believe that he had a valid reason for telling her daughter, but she is skeptical.
"Well, I gave the rest of my Ambien to Natalie."
"Is Natalie helping you?" Serena asks out of curiosity.
"Yeah, she is good for letting me talk through everything that happened with Jack." Serena nods, a part of her is wishing that Lily would elaborate, but she is probably better off being kept in the dark.
"Mom, why did you leave again? And why did you take the Ambien?"
"Serena…it's complicated. I wasn't trying to…kill myself…I just wanted to have it with me."
She wipes her eyes and suppresses a moan when the ache in her back flairs up. They both stop when they hear the elevator doors ding open downstairs. Lily inadvertently tenses up, remembering her nightmare. Although, it could be Rufus coming back and she cannot help but feel a little flutter of excitement, even if they left things on a sour note.
Serena goes first, noting her mother's hesitation. She keeps glancing over her shoulder to confirm that Lily is still inching down the stairs behind her.
"Hey grandma!" Serena says when she sees CeCe mulling around in the living room. The teenager locks eyes with Lily and discovers the obvious disappointment clouding her features. It does not register right away with her, but Serena realizes that Lily thought it was going to be Rufus.
"What are you doing here?" Lily asks, having enough of her mother's antics for the day. Even if she is required by Natalie to talk to CeCe about her feelings, she is emotionally drained at the moment. She would rather have her mother turn around and leave the penthouse, or even better, the state of New York. That way Lily is absolved of all responsibility from speaking with CeCe.
CeCe nibbles on the inside of her cheek. She does not want to admit to Lily how devastated she was watching her daughter be restrained and sedated. It would be easier to lie, but she is tired of arguing with Lily. She understands that they are probably never going to be close, but she does want to be a part of her daughter's life and hopes that Lily wants that too.
"I told Rufus that I would come by, but I am guessing he didn't tell you."
Lily looks down at her feet, unwilling to concede to her mother that Rufus left her. She does not know how long CeCe stuck around after she left her and Natalie down in the living room while she and Rufus talked.
"He isn't here."
CeCe is intrigued by Lily's admission. She would think that this would be the last time Rufus would choose to leave. He seemed so adamant that he was not abandoning Lily last night after dinner. Nevertheless, CeCe can see how Rufus' absence has affected her daughter.
"Oh, well that's probably for the best."
Lily purses her lips and gives her mother an eye roll. Serena takes the opportunity to slip into the elevator. She does not want a front row seat to another fight between her mother and grandmother. Eric already left while Lily was sleeping because he could not listen to his mother scream anymore.
Lily crosses her arms and waits for CeCe to say something or give any indication as to what she wants from her.
"Have you given any thought as to where you want to go?" CeCe asks.
"You are unbelievable. How many times do I have to tell you that I am not letting you send me somewhere?"
"After what I witnessed today, you could have benefited from that a long time ago."
Lily's eyebrows furrow, unsure of what her mother is referring to. The only thing that comes to her mind is CeCe being present for when Natalie sedated her.
"I am doing my best to get better and you hovering over me, telling me that I need to be shipped off to some bullshit mental facility is not doing anyone any good. I'm so sorry that I am not fully recovered a week after being raped. I couldn't imagine what kind of toll the bad press is taking on you."
"I am only looking out for my best interest."
"No one is asking you to, mother! You telling Rufus about our son was not in my best interest. You did that for yourself because you can't stand the fact that Rufus is in love with me and has been since we were nineteen."
"If he loves you so much than why isn't here now?"
Lily's well up as her shoulders slump over in defeat. Her mother raises a good point. Rufus should be here, but he chose to stay behind in Brooklyn, leaving her here to pick up the pieces. Not that she blames him entirely, she would not want to stand beside her after what he had to witness earlier.
"He's…um…staying at his loft in Brooklyn…I don't know when he if…he is coming back."
CeCe's comment to her daughter was harsh and it is something she wishes that she could take back. It sounds like she is mocking Lily, when she is sincerely was just asking. Her daughter does not deserve to cry anymore, she has done that enough since her attack.
"The reason I told Rufus about your son is even though I knew he would be angry with you, he would forgive you, in his own time because as you said; he's in love with you."
"What does that matter anymore? Even if he is, he's not here."
CeCe does not have an answer for her daughter. At the time, she told Rufus unapologetically, full aware of the consequences. CeCe is not being completely honest about her motive for telling Rufus. A part of her wanted to drive a wedge between the couple, especially after Lily admitted that she was in love with Rufus. CeCe thinks that Lily deserves better than Rufus and she knew they were about to rekindle their relationship following Bart's death.
However, she did not foresee her daughter being raped or developing a dependency on alcohol. CeCe has to admit that Rufus has done more for her daughter than she could ever imagine. Lily deserves an apology if an explanation will not suffice. Whether Lily will forgive her or take her seriously is up to her.
"Lily, darling…." Lily holds her hand up, effectively stopping CeCe.
"Mom, I don't want to talk about this right now. I have had an extremely hard day and I just need time."
"That's understandable. Is someone staying here with you?"
"I'll be fine. The kids are coming back later."
"Alright, I'll come by tomorrow and we can talk then."
"Fine."
CeCe leaves Lily to mull around in her empty penthouse. She was going to offer to stay with her daughter, but Lily would never accept it. Lily would not admit that she needs someone to be at the penthouse with her, she is just too proud.
Lily is left by herself, something that terrifies her even if she is merely in her own home. She has not been left alone for substantial periods of time since last Friday. The thought of leaving her apartment makes her anxious, but the thought of staying also sets her on edge. She has to pick between the lesser of two evils. A piece of her knows that the only way she will truly feel safe is with Rufus. It is unsettling to her that she does not feel comfortable in her own home, even though she is aware of Jack being in prison. The nightmare she had this afternoon has had more of an effect on her than she thought.
Lily decides to take a bath in an effort to relax and then make herself some dinner. Hopefully by then, Serena and Eric will be back from wherever they disappeared to and they can have a normal night together as a family. She will do her best to sleep and then go to the loft in the morning to talk to Rufus. Tonight would be a good night to take an Ambien and sleep for ten hours, but due to earlier, she turned her pills over to Natalie for safekeeping.
As the night drags on, Lily finds it harder and harder to calm down. She contemplates leaving the penthouse to clear her head, but the cameras hovering outside squash the idea. Plus, Lily would be afraid of walking around by herself at night, even if it is only in her safe neighborhood.
While he was having dinner with Dan and Jenny, Rufus' mind kept drifting to Lily. He wants to call her and see how she is doing by herself. He is hoping that she is coping well with being alone. If not, he is willing to go over to the penthouse to stay with her. Dan and Jenny asked about Lily, but Rufus kept his responses to a minimum. There is not much he can disclose to his kids that Lily will want them to know. All he told was that she is struggling, but doing the best that she can to process the rape, which is true. The kids were sympathetic and offered to do anything they can to aid Lily, but there is not much anyone can do, including him. Lily needs to learn how to process her feelings without rushing to the alcohol or Ambien. Nobody can make that choice but her.
He goes into his bedroom and grabs his phone, dialing Lily's cell phone. Rufus crosses his fingers that she answers, but he is doubtful. Knowing her, Lily is probably irritated with him for leaving without telling her. Although he is mad at her for everything she has done throughout the course of this week, he still seeks confirmation that she is doing okay on her own.
Lily is about to make herself some tea in an effort to help her sleep when her cell phone rings. She has been screening her calls from last Friday since an onslaught of people expressing their concern or curiosity have tried to contact her. The only people she will pick up for are her kids or Rufus. Lily locates her phone buried deep in her clutch and checks to see who is calling her. A frown tugs at the corner of her lips when she sees that it is Rufus. She launches an internal debate with herself, but ultimately makes a decision. Lily goes up to her room and gathers up her things, stuffing them in a suitcase.
Hi this is Lily Bass, please leave your name and number so I can get back to you.
"Hey Lil, it's me, just calling to check up on you. It would really put my mind at ease if you would let me know. If I don't hear from you, I will be by in the morning. Okay, have a good sleep, bye."
Rufus sighs and angrily throws his phone against the wall. He is considering just going to the penthouse because he is aware that he won't be able to sleep until he talks to her.
Lily scribbles a note for each of her kids saying that she is spending the night at the loft. She made a promise to herself after today that Serena and Eric will always know where she is. They don't deserve to always be guessing as to their mother's whereabouts. After she gathers all of her things, Lily calls Vanya, asking him to have a car waiting for her. She does not want to be standing outside where the press have easy access to her. The constant shouting and flashing of cameras scares her.
Lily takes the elevator downstairs, clutching her suitcase so hard that her knuckles are turning white. Vanya meets her in the lobby, offering a grin. Lily cannot help but trade smiles with the kindhearted doorman.
"The car is ready Ms. Lily," Vanya tells her in his thick accent.
"Thank you Vanya, would you mind walking me to my car?" Lily gestures towards the cameras flashing through the glass doors outside. Vanya nods and matches her strides, pushing the paparazzi out of the way so Lily can climb into the car. She rattles off the address to Rufus' loft and sits back, feeling an overwhelming sense of calm. Although she is slightly angry at Rufus, it is better for her to be with him so she will be able to sleep somewhat.
When the car drops off at the loft, Lily thanks the driver and waits for her suitcase to be given to her. Her eyes are constantly scanning the perimeter, waiting for someone to pop out at her. The driver leaves and Lily takes cautious steps towards the door to Rufus' loft. She knocks on it, rocking back and forth on her feet while waiting for him to open the door.
"Lil, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?" Rufus asks. He is shocked that she is here, but oddly glad because he was going to go to the penthouse to be with her.
Lily opens her mouth, but her throat is constricted. She is embarrassed to admit that she could not survive a night alone, it makes her feel weak.
"I…I don't feel safe…by myself." Lily whispers, looking down so Rufus does not see her tears. Rufus immediately snags her hand, bringing her into the loft. He hugs her close to her body, rubbing her upper arm.
"It's okay Lil, I was worried when you didn't answer the phone. I was just coming to see you." Lily breaks away from him to sit on the couch while he goes to grab a glass of water.
They both have a lot to talk about surrounding today's events. Rufus can tell how scared Lily looks and blames himself for not being there earlier. As angry as he is at her, he always wants her to feel safe. He is curious as what happened after he left, whether she talked to Natalie or CeCe.
"You are more than welcome to stay here," Rufus tells her after a few moments of silence.
"Good, I already brought my suitcase." Rufus laughs at Lily's blunt statement, he does not expect anything less from her. He should be annoyed, but he is just happy to see her. Regardless of what Lily thinks, she has made some progress. It says a lot that she isn't trying to drown herself in alcohol and made a proactive step to prevent that from happening.
"Did you get to talk to Natalie at all?" Rufus asks because he is unsure of what to say.
"Yeah, she stayed after you left."
"I don't know what to say Lil, I needed some time." Rufus is not going to apologize for what he did. He is not bounded to Lily nor does he have to spend every moment with her. Rufus had the right to take a step back and give himself a breather from her consistent unpredictable behavior.
"Do you know how terrified I was when I woke up and realized you weren't there?"
"Well, I'm sorry Lil, but now you know how that feels."
Lily swallows her instant response because Rufus has a valid point. She should not be using him fleeing the penthouse as an excuse to be angry at him, especially when she has disappeared on him twice.
"I'm sorry that I left, I just…I didn't know how to deal with things."
"That's not an excuse Lil. I want to be with you more than anything, but I don't know how to anymore."
Lily slowly nods and rockets to her feet, searching for her suitcase. Rufus predicted this and stands up as well, gently grabbing onto her arm.
"Maybe I shouldn't have come here," Lily mumbles, slowly turning around to face him. Rufus sighs, rather than talking about it, Lily would rather run away, which is exactly his point.
"Do you want us to be together? And if you don't, I'm not chasing after you."
"Of course I do Rufus. I love you, but you are right, everything is just so confusing right now. I don't know how we could make our relationship work."
Rufus and Lily lock eyes with each other, looking for a solution that neither of them have. It would be easy to disregard all that has happened, but it won't help either of them. He is not going to stand by and watch Lily drink herself into oblivion or overdose on Ambien, it would be something that he could not recover from.
"We don't have to know Lily, we just have to talk to each other. You can't keep shutting down and not talk to me or anyone about your rape because I can promise you that you aren't going to get better. And I won't continue to justify what you have been doing."
"No one is asking you to Rufus. I am an adult that can make my own decisions."
"Fine, then let's talk about the choices you have been making, Lily. You were so drunk last night that I found you in the bathroom with a bottle of Ambien. The only reason you didn't overdose on it is because I stopped you from opening the bottle. And then, when I woke up, you were gone as was the pills. Natalie said that there were five missing."
Rufus is not holding back anymore. He partially blames himself for excusing Lily's behavior, but last night was a grim wake up call. Lily needs to comprehend that she is going to end up dead if she does not stop self-destructing.
Lily is silent for a moment, letting Rufus' words sink in. She feels so attacked, but Rufus is not wrong about anything he is saying to her.
"Natalie had no right to tell you that. Why are you two talking behind my back and making decisions for me without asking me first?"
"We are the only people that are looking out for you, Lily. I'm sorry that she had to sedate you, but we were left with no other options. You were going to hurt Natalie or yourself."
"I'm sorry…I don't remember what I was doing." Lily says with tears shinning in her eyes. Rufus feels bad for blaming her for that because she is right, there is no possible way for her to recollect what happened during her flashback. He reaches out, softly setting his hand on her thigh, rubbing it soothingly.
"I know…I know, I'm not blaming you for that sweetheart, I just…I hope you understand that my intentions were not to betray you, I just wanted you to be safe."
"I know it wasn't solely your decision. Natalie told me that you cried."
"Natalie is a blabbermouth." Rufus says and laughs along with Lily. He would rather deflect now then admit to Lily that the reason he cried was because she called him Jack. He would rather wait until her guilt subsides before telling her.
"She is definitely very good at her job. She tricked me into kind of making up with CeCe."
"CeCe came back? She said that she would, but I didn't believe her."
"Yeah, after Natalie left, she came over to convince me once again, that I should be carted off to some rehab on the other side of the country to save face."
"Maybe we should send her there instead…but I'm glad that you talked."
"I wouldn't be opposed to that. I think I made her feel guilty, I didn't know my mother was capable of that emotion."
"Guilty about what?" Rufus is glad that Lily is actually taking him seriously and talking to him about whatever is on her mind. It might seem nonsensical to her, but he wants her to know that this is how a relationship works. He is not going to be like Bart and be too wrapped up in business to care about her thoughts and feelings. He wants an open line of communication between them or their relationship is going to crumble.
"I mentioned the reason you were reluctant to be in a relationship with me before Boston." Lily is talking around the issue, but she knows that Rufus will understand her meaning.
"You mean, our son?"
"Our…dead son." Lily corrects him. She has not thought about her son since the night before the rape. Lily kept having dreams about him that night, but did not tell Rufus about it.
"We haven't talked about it."
"I know."
"Do you want to?" Rufus is more than willing to have a conversation about Andrew. They barely skimmed the surface of that topic after they had sex that night, there is so much more to be discussed.
Lily shrugs, thinking that now might possibly be the worst time to bring it up. Honestly, she really does not have much to say about their son. Obviously, she is devastated about his death, but she did not know him personally. It is hard to mourn someone you did not know, even if it is your son.
"I don't know what there is to talk about. Do you still blame me for hiding him from you?"
"I blame your mother for forcing you to make an impossible choice when we were nineteen. I believe that she manipulated you and took advantage of the situation. I blame myself for letting you go when I did. I don't blame you for giving him up, but I do for not telling me when we started hanging out again."
"I wish we had the opportunity to get to know him. I'm sure he would have been really great." Lily says with a somber smile. She agrees with what Rufus told her. It was not fair to him that she kept this from him for so long only to have her mother tell him in the end.
"We should go sometime, to his grave. I think that would help us. Not now with everything going on, but eventually."
"I would like that," Lily says, her voice just above a whisper. "I'm going to get ready for bed…unless you want to talk about something else?"
Rufus shakes his head, he can see how worn out Lily is. He has said pretty much everything he has wanted to say for now. Lily squeezes his hand and slowly gets up from the couch. She grabs her suitcase hiding behind the furniture and rolls it into Rufus' bedroom.
While she is getting undressed, her mind catalogues everything that has happened today. Lily did not intend to have this deep of a conversation with Rufus, but it was necessary. He has been holding a lot of stuff in recently and she is glad that they were able to talk. Their irritation with each other dissipated rather quickly when they both realized that they each have made mistakes.
Rufus knocks on his bedroom door, letting himself in after he gets the okay from her. Lily is standing in front of a mirror, naked from the waist down and is struggling to unhook her bra. Her range of motion has decreased because of the abrasions on her back. He immediately closes the gap between them, sensing the frustration ebbing off of her.
"Damn it!" Lily exclaims and winces when she makes an awkward move that sends pain shooting up her spine.
"Here, let me," Rufus whispers. He holds up his hands so she can see from the reflection in the mirror that he is about to touch her. Lily gives a nod and shivers when Rufus' cold hands make contact with her warm flesh.
Rufus watches Lily take off her bra and immediately reach for her robe. He stops her, resting his hand on her hip. Lily drops the article of clothing and tilts her head up to gaze at him.
"Don't cover yourself up on my account," Rufus says, cupping her cheek and giving her a boyish grin. Lily glances down at the bruises still visible on her skin. Her breasts, inner thigh and back continue to be marred by what Jack did.
"I don't want to look at them." She lets her face melt into his palm.
"I still think you look beautiful, despite what you believe."
Lily offers him a watery smile and rocks on her feet to plant a chaste kiss on his lips. Rufus does not antagonize, letting their lips unhinge when she deems appropriate. Lily frowns, wondering if she did something wrong or if he is still too frustrated with her to even go there tonight.
"Do you want to do this?" Lily asks.
"I need you to tell me. I don't want to force you into doing something you aren't comfortable with yet." Lily rests her hand on his chest, sliding it down to the hem. Rufus smiles and lets her tug his shirt up and over his head. She rewards him with a victorious smile, one that his lips collapse into. As she is working on unbuckling his pants, Rufus' hands land on her shoulders, gently pulling her away.
"What?" Lily asks.
"Lil, I need you to tell me if we should stop. I won't know otherwise."
"Okay," Lily whispers and their lips meet in a slow kiss.
A/N 2: Let me know what you want to happen! Also, I am thinking of jumping ahead a little bit after next chapter to kind of move things along. Your input determines what I write, so please leave a review. Thanks!