Chapter 14- Realize

58 Days After the National Outbreak

BPOV:

Their reunion is everything I expected it to be. They both have stars in their eyes as they look at each other. I'm happy for them… somewhat. When I look at them together, listening as they reminisce, I realize how much I miss Jake. I miss the warmth in his eyes as he looked at me; I miss his strong embrace. Closing my eyes, I see his image in my mind. He smiles at me, the deep wrinkle on his forehead crinkles as his entire face takes on a content expression. When he smiles, the light from within him is as clear as day. Even now, I can feel his tenderness. It's easy to imagine his arms around me. For a moment, as I sit by the warmth of the fire before me, I pretend his arms are around me; I pretend that I am home. So easily, I can picture us in bed together, nestled under the warmth of our sheets with Seth between us. Seth… Tears prick my eyes as I remember my little boy. My final image of him haunts me. Those eyes… those grey, cloudy eyes… those weren't my son's eyes. Holding back my tears, I let go of the breath I didn't realize I was holding, my mind coming back to the matter at hand.

"There were so many of them. We went into the city and it was completely infested with the dead. You wouldn't believe it," Edward tells the group from his seat across the fire as Kate rests comfortably in his arms. She smiles up at him, her focus on him entirely. "Anyway, we managed to get supplies and get out safely. That's when I saw the sign directing survivors here."

"I knew you would find us," Kate says, her voice soft and sweet.

She's beautiful, but I knew she would be. They look so perfect together - painfully so. I look away, not fully understanding why my heart hurts like this. I know it's because I miss my own family. I know it's because I feel like an outlander in a world I no longer recognize. I miss that time when my life was simplistic. God, the things I used to complain about. So laughable now. Remembering my life feels like remembering scenes from a movie; the images in my mind don't feel like images I own, images I made. Instead, they feel like pictures from someone else's life entirely.

"I promised I would find you," Edward continues to say, "didn't I?"

My eyes rise to look at them again. As I study them, I find something I didn't see earlier. There's a tension between them, coming from both parties. Suddenly, I feel guilty. Looking at Kate, I cringe at the remembrance of my own actions. She doesn't deserve to have her partner be unfaithful to her; no one deserves that. I never thought I was capable of being the "other woman," but here I am. Hell, Bella, you didn't believe yourself capable of murder, and look at you now. A movement in the distance tears me from my thoughts. Walking into the campsite from the woods is a face I've yet to see. He's striking, with a tall build and broad shoulders. With a full, dark beard and equally dark eyes, he looks like a force to be reckoned with. Maybe if he were smiling, the vibe he's emitting would seem different, but he's not. His eyes are filled with anger, intensity, and a little confusion. I follow his gaze, and find that it's directed at Edward, who's completely oblivious to him.

He walks around them and makes his way toward my side of the fire. As I watch him, I start to notice that he's distant from the rest of the group. Everyone else seems to have their own tribe of sorts, while he's quiet and withdrawn. I don't blame him, so am I. Of course, I don't plan on staying here long. Tomorrow morning I'll be gone. It will be like I was never here. Before we reached the camp, Edward promised again and again he would come with me to D.C.. Part of me believed he would. Now, however, I find that those promises are ones he won't keep. I don't want him to keep them; I want him to be happy. He's searched for Kate for so long, why risk that happiness now and put both of their lives in danger. No, this is something I must do by myself. I won't let Edward throw his life away on something that's looking more and more like a lost cause.

I'll make this decision for him. Tomorrow morning, I'll wake-up before everyone else and be on my way. Perhaps I'll leave a note, some way to explain myself. I don't want him to hate me for this, but I doubt he will. Maybe he'll be grateful even. Maybe he'll see how deeply I care for him and his happiness. As soon as I saw his smile as he embraced Kate for the first time since their separation, I knew I couldn't be selfish about this. As much as I'd like to be.

"Paul!" Edward exclaims, his eyes widening as he looks at the man a few feet away from me. "I thought I'd never see you again. How'd you make it out?"

The man beside me, Paul, relaxes, causing him to look years younger. With a small, wistful smile, he explains, "I don't remember much. After what happened to you, everything became a blur. I tried to carry you on my back, but I couldn't feel you breathing… It was horrible, Edward."

"I'm sorry, man."

Something about Paul seems off-putting. It's almost like he's unhappy to see his friend here. His reaction to Edward is hard to wrap my mind around. I couldn't imagine treating a friend like that. I turn my head to look at him, and when he feels my gaze, he turns his head to meet it, smiling at me in a way that's so forced and unconvincing, I feel myself moving away from him. I've always felt that I'm good at reading people, and Paul, to me, seems like bad news. I quickly, redirect my gaze, my eyes falling on Edward and Kate. My stomach twists into knots at the sight before me. He kisses her with a kiss that is so tender, I want to cry out for Jake. He handles her like she's the most precious thing in the world. Perhaps, to him, she is. I don't know why, but I suddenly feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm going to get sick. Was it something I ate? We all ate the same food. God, I might just embarrass myself and throw up right here. Before I know it, I'm on my feet.

"I think I'll retire for the night. Thanks for dinner. It was lovely meeting all of you."

"Maybe you'll rethink leaving? You can stay as long as you like," Esme, who very much feels like the "mother" of this small group of survivors, says.

"I don't know about that. There's something personal I have to take care of."

"I understand. But you know how to get here now. There's always a place for you here."

I look to Edward and Kate, to find that they're so wrapped up in each other, they're ignoring my interaction with Esme entirely. I look back to Esme, who's so hopeful about everything it makes my heart ache. Sanctuaries have a tendency to not stay around long. For one reason or another - zombie infestation, human infestation - they dismantle. By the time I'm done in D.C., I doubt this place will even be here. I don't tell her that, of course, and instead murmur a "thank you" before heading off to the extra tent they had "just in case."

As I settle in for the night, I realize how much I wish I could stay. Despite the strange pain in my heart, I like it here. I like the familial feeling this sanctuary provides. It would be nice to have a place that feels like home - people who feel like home. With all these thoughts of Jake and Seth floating around in my mind, maybe I'm just being a tad sentimental, but I want a family again. Not to replace Jake and Seth, who will always be in my heart, but to almost replicate the feeling. Closing my eyes, I desperately will sleep to come. As much as I love my two guys at home, I don't want to think about them… it's too depressing. I also can't handle thinking of Edward and Kate… who are up to God knows what. Before I know it, I'm tearing up again, but this time, I let myself cry. Although, I don't know what exactly I'm crying about, I relish in the comfort the tears give me. It feels good to cry. It feels so good to feel. Before Edward, I felt nothing but numbness. Now, I feel everything.

** A New Dawn **

I'm up before dawn breaks. Venturing out of my tent, the grass is wet from the dew that had fallen overnight, and everything is quiet. Good, everyone is still asleep. Quietly, I gather my things from the tent and with my note to Edward in hand, I cross the grass, moving toward the center of camp that is marked by a fire pit and lawn chairs. As I walk, I consider staying put. I could be happy here. Why risk going any further? I don't even know where I am now. With Seth's smiling face in my mind's eye, I push those considerations far away. I need to keep going for Seth, just like I promised I would. He's my son; he will always be my son no matter what virus takes him. I can't forget that.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I apologize, although no one's around to hear it. I place the note carefully on his chair from last night and turn to leave, intending to walk back in the direction we came to get back onto the road. The road is far easier to navigate. The forests can quickly become an endless maze to get sucked into.

With tears misting my eyes, I head back into the wealth of trees, making sure to be as quiet as possible as to not wake anyone in the group. Once I make it a few yards away from the camp, I can finally breathe again. I hear a rustling in the trees behind me, causing my heart to leap into my throat. When I turn, I find nothing. Perhaps it's my mind playing tricks on me, or maybe it's just wishful thinking. Although I don't want to admit it, part of me wishes Edward would follow me. Part of me wishes he would insist on coming with me and truly mean it. The sound was only the wind, Bella. You can't lose your head this early on.

I'll miss him. I'm miss him more than he'll ever know. But I won't feel regret. I did what is right. I can deal with the pain if it means he gets to be happy. Isn't that what true friendship is? I'm sure he would do it for me. Hell, I'm sure he would do it a thousand times over. He was a good friend. No, he was the best. He protected me when I needed protection; comforted me when I needed another person's warmth; allowed me to cry when I felt like I was alone in the world… I don't think he could comprehend what his friendship meant to me. In the short time I knew him, he changed me. Because of him, I am stronger. Because of him, I can continue to fight.

"Do you know how much I fucking care about you?" A deep voice questions, followed by a female moaning.

"No, not so loud."

I follow the voices, my curiosity getting the better of me. Are these voices people from the camp? I barely know them enough for their voices to sound familiar to me.

"Yes! Kate, up until yesterday you wanted this."

She moans again.

"Up until yesterday, I thought my boyfriend was dead."

"Let's not talk. Not now."

She doesn't argue.

A few more steps and I see them. Kate and the man from last night. God, what's his name… Edward knew him. Who was he…? Paul! His name was Paul. Wasn't he Edward's… no, he couldn't be his friend. What is this? My eyes quickly become glued to the sight before me. Paul, thrusting into the girl we've been looking for, for weeks. Before I can stop myself, I walk out into the small clearing and make my presence known.

"What the hell are you two doing?" I whisper, my voice shaky as I stare on in disbelief.

They both look at me for a moment, confused, before he pulls out and stuffs his cock back into his jeans. Kate covers up, but she doesn't look as remorseful as I think she ought to. Last night, she was looking at Edward like he was her world and now this?

"We looked for you for weeks."

"Who the fuck are you?" Paul asks.

Ignoring him, I continue, "He talked about you all the time - about finding you, both of you! He would get this smile on his face when he said your name, Kate, and… God, don't you understand how much that man loves you?"

"I thought he was gone. I swear I did," she defends. "You don't know what that does to a person."

My body softens. I do understand what it does. Guilt floods me as I realize I did something similar with her boyfriend. We fucked… once… it was perfect at the time. And I didn't feel guilty about it until I saw her. As much as I want to hate her, I can't. It would be so hypocritical for me to hate her for being just like me. But I can't contain my frustrations. After how far we've come, this happens? It almost seems like a joke. There's the reasonable part of me that understands and sympathizes with her position, but there's the unreasonable part of me that wants to choke the ever-loving shit out of her for hurting the man who has quickly become everything to me.

"He's been looking for you this entire time. He told me that as soon as he woke up, he thought of you. As soon as he woke up, he began searching."

Tears fill her eyes. Good.

"I never meant to hurt him. Things just happen."

There's a rustling in the trees behind me, and Kate's eyes widen as she looks over my shoulder.

"Edward. Baby, I'm so sorry."

"I don't understand."

I turn to watch him as he walks into the clearing. I wonder how long he's been standing there. If the look on his face is any indication, he's been standing there for a while.

"I asked you. I asked if anything had happened while I was away and you told me no. You lied to me. Why? I was honest with you."

"I don't know," she's quick to respond as my mind's reeling. Edward told her about us? Good for him. "I didn't want you to look at me differently."

"But you could look at me differently?"

Paul stands up, and Edward's entire frame stiffens as he looks at his former friend.

"I didn't want her to say anything. We were looking for an easy way to break things to you. We've been looking for an easy way for a while."

Oh, God.

"A while? What the fuck does that mean?"

"I think you know."

Edward's at my side one second and the next second he's gone. It takes my mind a moment to play catch-up before I realize Paul's on the ground and Edward's on top of him, his hands around his throat. Kate screams, watching the two men in her life with wide-eyes as they wrestle around her feet. Paul gets the upper hand for a moment, punching Edward in the face before Edward manages to get a knee to the groin and a punch of his own.

"Stop it!" I hear myself scream, too enthralled to realize I'm shouting the words. "He's not worth it, Edward! Stop!"

He doesn't. He punches and punches until Paul is unconscious underneath him. As soon as Edward rises to his feet, I drop to Paul's side. Despite my hatred for the man, I make sure he's still breathing. As I'm checking Paul's vitals, I hear Edward ask, "Has this been going on since before the…?" He can't manage to finish his own question.

"Yes," Kate whispers in response.

"That's all I needed to know."

"I love you. Edward, you know I love you. I was just so lonely, and Paul was there…"

"Do you love him?"

"I don't know."

"I think I've heard all I needed to hear."

Edward turns to leave as I rise from the ground, my hands covered in Paul's blood.

"Where are you going?" Kate questions, taking a step toward him.

He turns and looks at her for a long time. This time, his eyes aren't filled with an ounce of love. This time, he looks at her like he's seeing her for the first time.

"I wish you all the happiness in the world, Kate, but I'm moving on. Good luck here." He turns his attention to me. "Bella, you ready to go? Judging by your 'Dear John' note, it seems you're in a hurry."

I gulp, taken aback by the intensity in his gaze. "Y-yes," I manage to stutter out.

"Good." Turning his attention back to the girl he's loved for so long, he says, "Good-bye, Kate," and turns back toward the camp, disappearing into the trees by himself.

A/N: So, Kate's no longer in the picture. Thank, God! Please keep reviewing! :)