The excitement of going home, of leaving school, of finally being on vacation quickly faded as the boredom of a tedious train ride sunk in. At first there was talk, and chatter and stories. I sat idly by, watching with hidden fascination as my friends spun tales about previous holidays, childhood mischief and tragedies, and humorous family disasters. For obvious reasons, I did not have any to share. But listening was enough to keep me satisfied for part of the journey. When, after hours of non-stop reminiscing and foretelling, mouths began to get tired, I watched out the window as the snowy world whizzed by in a hazy white blur.
It was warm in our small cheery compartment, comfortable in atmosphere as well as happiness. Every gloom seemed to evaporate as Hogwarts Express chugged farther and farther from the stone castle. It was relief, for once, being able to feel Sirius' feelings as opposed to my own guilty thoughts. I slipped from my foreboding, brooding mind into a happier, lighter, simpler place where Christmas finally had reason to be celebrated.
It was relaxing, feeling the joy Sirius experienced every time he thought of spending the holidays at the Potter's, and I let myself run away from myself in that means for a short while.
Slowly our babbling compartment died down to a sleepy mumble, as Remus and Lily set out to do their final Prefect's duty before the holidays. James and Sirius started idly playing a card game, and Peter slept peacefully slumped against the wall. I leaned my body against the cold window, feeling the icy chill of the outside through the glass pressed delicately against me cheek. I let my mind spin through random thoughts, drifting in and out of so many things that all seemed to interlink somehow. Then I would go back and decide how each pondering led to the next, reflecting on the start and end of my shiftless thoughts. This passed the time until James lost sorely and Sirius grinned victoriously, asking if I would like to join them.
I replied vaguely, in a dreamlike notion. James left to use the washroom and with him went the sound. Our compartment seemed somber as he left, and I shifted my cheek against the window to a colder, newer spot. Boredom, and exhaustion slowly wound their smoky roots around my body, and I fought them off with the discomfort of the cold window.
"You tired?" Sirius asked, breaking the still silence. I shifted, turning my head slightly to peer at him. I had forgotten he was even there, but now that I reflected I defiantly would have noticed his absence. He had returned to his cards, shuffling them absently with his arms resting on his knees. He looked back up at me and grinned as I lazily let my head fall towards the glass once again.
"Possibly," I answered slowly. I heard his soft chuckle, then drifted through an aimless half sleep until James returned and I fell fully under an unconscious weight.
I awoke partially, still drunk with sleep, to feel my weightless body being moved with soft hands.
"Sirius!" someone hissed. "Leave her alone!"
There was no reply, and I fell back into a dreamless slumber, my body slumped against something warm and comfortable as the train rumbled on.
Coming back from unconsciousness is somewhat like being hit in the head with a brick. Everything is blurry and dizzy, noises are disorienting and muffled. I kept my eyes shut as I tried to place my surroundings. Immediately the rumble and clatter of the train reminded me, and the voices around talked quietly.
"How much longer do you think it will be 'till we get there?" Someone asked in a low voice.
"Soon now," Lily answered, and I heard her shift restlessly. "We should wake Kira," She added, almost as if the idea displeased her.
"No," Sirius said, and his voice reverberated through his chest. Suddenly I was aware of the subtitle breathing beside me, and the warm body my own was softly curled against. I almost felt embarrassed, but was unwilling to move. This would be the last time I would see him for weeks. Even the thought echoed a dull sting throughout my body. It was going to hurt when we were separated. "I like her where she is," I could hear the grin in his voice, and his arm snaked around me as he leaned over in my ear. "I know you're awake," He said, but I knew he understood my reason for feigning sleep, and didn't tell the others. "Do you remember what you dreamed of?" He asked, and I heard Lily whispering harshly at James. They seemed preoccupied.
I dug into my mind, trying to remember, but when I had woken the dreams had evaporated. I had no idea what I dreamed of. A sudden panic shook through me. What if it was something completely mortifying? I knew he could, when we were near each other, experience my dreams as I could with him. It would be a convenient time to have my first dream of Sirius with him here. So far I had evaded dreaming of him, not on purpose, I just never thought of him like that. Quickly recalling his tone of voice when he had asked me the question I threw away the possibility that I had dreamed of him. There was no smugness in his voice.
What if it was something that Sirius shouldn't know? My visions usually became my dreams; they swirled in my mind and repeated over and over in my sleep. What if it was the vision of my own death? I had had that vision before we became bound, and he had never had to endure it yet.
"No," I answered finally. Sirius was so close my voice did not give us away. I kept my eyes closed, and tried to keep my body relaxed but my mind swirled the possibilities of his question.
He shifted, and his answer vibrated through his throat where my cheek was pressed to his collarbone. "Good," was his only reply.
I feigned sleep for as long as I could but I wasn't able to relax enough to let my mind slip back into darkness. My brain refused to shut down, and continuously circled around what Sirius had seen in my dreams to the point where I was sure I would go insane.
Finally I couldn't stand it anymore, and stood fluidly, fully awake. Lily blinked, seemingly surprised that I was so alert. James was leaning lazily against the back of the bench, Peter had left, and Remus appeared to be reading but upon closer inspection he had his head leaned against the cold window sleeping while a book lay open on his lap. Outside the little light there had been had faded and a thick fog coated the window of our compartment from our constant breathing.
I wanted to leave, but I knew if I did Sirius would not hesitate to follow. As much as it would hurt when we were separated, it would be a good sign that the pain was still there. It meant that the bind was not completely settled, and that if we kept it that way, Sirius would live while I…didn't. Even so, I did not want to be with him. I stared at the door of compartment. Sirius was already rising to follow—even when he felt I did not want him—when I turned to Lily.
"Do you want to take a walk with me?" I asked, and Lily blinked at the urgency and suddenness of my tone. "I want to stretch out my legs," I explained, and she smiled and stood. Sirius wouldn't follow me if I was with Lily, and I could already see him sitting back down grumpily. I smiled back at Lily, feeling Sirius' annoyance at my evasion tactic, and we walked out of the compartment and down the hallway of the train.
I trailed my fingers on the walls of the closed compartments as we walked, talking absently of break, and of other things of no significance.
"Are we going to you're house in London? Or the country house your grandfather left you?" I asked, curious about both. Lily grinned sheepishly, and I watched her closely, trying to decode the meaning of her embarrassment.
"Well, for Christmas break we're going to my house…and then for summer I thought we could stay at Gramps old house. It's a nice summer house and Petunia wouldn't be there." She said and I felt the sudden urge to fall. My heart dripped with sadness until the point where I could feel it sinking low in my chest. She thought I would live to be with her for summer. I had never wanted to cry more in my life, but I had no time to waste with crying.
What was time? What was this driving force that shoved us closer and closer to the end? It wasn't fair. I wanted so badly for time to be a solid thing, so I could pick it up and shake it and make it stop. I felt like I had an expiration date stamped on my forehead, or an alarm clock mounted on my back, waiting to ring it's wailing tune.
Couldn't Lily hear that far off tick that sounded when she was with me—that constant reminder that my life was more limited than milk left on the counter overnight?
Lily must have seen my tortured expression, because suddenly an intense sadness overtook her own features. I couldn't stand to be the reason for that pain. I couldn't stand looking into those pained eyes.
"I'm going to go to the toilet. Ill see you back at the compartment." I told her hoarsely, without looking at her. I could feel the weight of her gaze, but I stared straight ahead, excusing her.
She walked away slowly, and when I no longer heard her footsteps I sighed, letting my body slump against the wall. My body echoed with a dulled sorrow, and I let my tense muscles relax in the cold misery, telling myself that this was only the beginning. It didn't seem fair that once my death was tangible, six months away, I no longer wanted to leave. But six months was a long time to avoid Sirius.
As if he knew my thoughts had turned to him, I heard Sirius' voice behind me. "No, Im not. Ill be back," He said and I felt intense irritation towards him. Hadn't Lily and I walked through three different train cars to get all the way here? Was he stalking us the entire time? I turned to see his dark shaggy hair leaving a Slytherin compartment. Confusion laced with my annoyance.
"Sirius, you know I don't want to see you right now." I told him tiredly as he shut the door, and stepped out into the hallway. He looked up, and my eyebrows furrowed. That wasn't Sirius. I studied the younger version of Sirius as he looked up and stared at me for a moment.
"Fortunately, I'm not Sirius," He said, and I regarded the boy thoughtfully for a moment.
"No, you're not," I agreed. "Sorry," I pushed away from the wall and started walking past, trooping back to the compartment that was so far away.
"Wait," Regulus Black said suddenly, stopping me mid step. "I am looking for him though. Do you know where he is?" I nodded, and Sirius' younger brother looked drastically sheepish abruptly. "The thing is, I don't think he wants to see me…"
"That's alright, Ill convince him." I told Regulus, confident Sirius would follow me if I wanted him too.
We walked in silence for several moments, and I realized how uncomfortable this walk would be. I assumed Regulus didn't want his Slytherin friends to see him with the infamous Gryffindor, and if Sirius was too close to our compartment he might leave without talking to his brother at all.
"Don't you want to know why I want to see him?" He asked suddenly, striding so that he fell into step beside me. "That would be the first question out of anyone else's mouth."
"No, I don't really think it's my business." I felt an affection towards the boy that was buried between other stronger emotions. I knew that it was Sirius' emotions I was experiencing. "Plus, he cant hide anything from me anyway." I admitted truthfully. Regulus looked at me sharply, cocking his head to the side.
"You think he'll tell you?" I shook my head.
"No," Regulus seemed thoughtful for a moment. He obviously couldn't think of any other way I would find out, which was good, because that meant no rumors of mine and Sirius' bind had been spread.
"Is he going to the Potter's for the holidays?" He asked finally, giving up on the other conversation. I nodded. He brooded for a couple moments.
"I thought so. As much as this sounds weird, I miss him now that he isn't going to come home anymore." Regulus admitted distantly, and I let him sit with his words for a moment, waiting for him to continue. "I guess I just want to say good-bye. Even though we're going to the same school and all, I just…don't think we'll see each other much more." His shoulders slumped, and I considered him sadly for a moment.
When we were half way to the Gryffindor compartment I stopped. Regulus looked up at me questioningly.
"Ill have him meet us here," I said. Regulus shot me a confused look.
"Did you tell him to meet us here?" I shook my head, and reached within my mind to find the barrier between Sirius' consciousness and mine. I tugged on his thoughts, sending him a feeling of need. He would interpret it like I needed him, and he would come. I had wanted to try this, but had no excuse (or desire) to bring him to me when I was alone.
I leaned against the wall of the train hallway and shoved my hands in my pockets.
"He'll be here in a moment," I informed Regulus, who shot me a skeptical look, but leaned against the opposite wall never the less.
It took less time than I expected for Sirius to show up, and when he appeared down the hall, he was breathing as if he had been running. As he spotted me and his younger brother, Sirius' handsome face closed, becoming impassive. With quick, easy strides he was at my side, grabbing my arm.
"Let's go," He said gruffly, yanking my wrist harshly. I pulled away, angry.
"Don't touch me like that," I hissed, and looked at Regulus. He was watching us closely, but he seemed sad by the rude behavior Sirius was showing him. Almost forlorn. I could sense the admiration in Regulus' gaze as he lowered his eyes away from his older brother.
"Let's go," He growled, glancing at his brother and trying to grab me again to pull us away.
"No," I yanked my arm away again, irritated by Sirius' touchiness. Couldn't he just keep his distance? He knew more than anyone that I hated being grabbed. I looked up at the disturbed older boy, his face hard and his eyes angry. He shoved his dark hair out of his eyes in a fluid frustrated motion.
"Uh, it's okay. I'll…leave…" Regulus said finally, his eyes dropped and shoulder's slumped.
"No," I said shortly. " Sirius is going to talk to you," how could Sirius deny his brother one last conversation. At school they couldn't talk together, nor at home any longer because Sirius would never be returning, and then next year would be Sirius' last year at Hogwarts.
"No, I'm not." Sirius snarled. I turned back to him and rolled my eyes. He was standing by my shoulder, with his back to his brother. I blocked out the emotions Sirius was feeling so I couldn't over analyze anything.
"Yes you are. You honestly don't have a choice." I replied, crossing my arms. He was silent for a moment, his eyes burning. Regulus had shrunk up against the wall, and was watching us silently with regret. The younger brother cast me an apologetic look, as I was obviously getting the worst of Sirius' wrath.
Sirius was tense as he pointed to a nearby, nearly empty compartment. "Wait for me in there," He growled finally, and I smiled up at him, releasing my scowl.
"You're going to talk to him?" I asked excitedly, uncrossing my arms to look up in his dark eyes. His face seemed to lose most of its anger at the sight of my smile. I shied away from the thought.
"Yes," He said slowly, but then leaned over my shoulder, placing his mouth on the nape of my neck. I tensed, and my heart thumped loudly. "But not without a price." He whispered hoarsely, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear as he pulled away.
I frowned at him, regarding the dark boy with caution. He pointed towards the compartment again. "Wait in there." Sirius commanded, and I glared one last final time before quietly making my over to the small seating area. I slid open the door to find Olivia Horn sitting by the window by herself writing a letter.
I cast one last glance outside towards Sirius before closing the door and sliding into the seat opposite of her.
Her mossy eyes looked up and she stared at me for a moment.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, and her voice surprisingly lacked any venom.
"Waiting for Sirius," I replied honestly. She snorted bitterly, tossing her brownish golden hair over her small shoulders.
"Figures," She muttered, then looked up at me appraisingly. "But I didn't expect you to be one to wait around for Sirius Black." I raised my eyebrows.
"I convinced him to speak with his brother. This is my punishment."
"You're punishment is to sit with me?" I laughed and shook my head.
"No, I have to wait here until he returns. I have no idea what he's planning."
She raised her eyebrows, and we sat in silence for several moments before the opening of the compartment door interrupted our lively conversation. Sirius closed the door behind him and regarded our scene carefully.
"Hey Olivia," Sirius said cautiously, pausing awkwardly in the doorway. He had obviously been expecting me to be sitting alone. She rolled her eyes and stood up.
"Yeah, sure," She walked out the door and closed it. Sirius shot me a dirty look, before sitting next to me. His warmth dulled my chill, and I unconsciously leaned into his shoulder. We sat in silence for a moment, enjoying the simplicity of each other's company.
"How did it go?" I asked quietly, as he silently wound his fingers through mine. Warm and strong. I closed my eyes, breathing in his smell, his warmth and safety. When I opened my eyes he was watching me silently.
"Fine," but I could feel the peace that had been formed between the two brothers, a truce. He turned to me, looking more attractive than anyone had a right to. His eyes dark and hidden with emotions whizzing by too fast for me to decipherer. He looked away, his jaw clenched, running a hand through his dark hair. Sirius leaned over his knees, bent with his elbows supporting him, and then glanced over at me through his hair.
"What?" I asked, irritated. He shrugged his shoulders and stood.
"You owe me," I bristled.
"I don't owe you anything. Your brother wanted to talk to you. What's so horrible about that?" I stood up too, and moved to brush past him. He caught me with his arm and pulled me back. I glowered.
"Still," he said, smirking. "I told you there would be a price."
"What kind of price?" I asked uneasily, as he took a step towards me like a cat lusting after a bird. A predator. I shrunk away, stepping back until I collided with the wall. He just smiled as he trapped me, placing his arms strategically on either side of my torso. Sirius leaned towards me, his grin growing as each inch he moved closer I visibly tensed. He brushed his nose against my throat, the warmth of his skin causing me to swallow. My heart beat sounded loudly.
"Sirius," I managed, a warning. I was struggling to stay afloat with conscious thoughts. He was too close. He turned his face so that he was looking at me out of the corner of his eye. A wry smile graced his lips.
"Yes?"
'Stop," I breathed, closing my eyes. I felt him retreat.
"It's only a small thing," His voice said.
"What is it?" I asked, keeping my voice measured as I opened my eyes slightly. He was watching me carefully.
"A date," He answered, picking up a stray stand of my hair and running his fingers through it.
"A date?" I echoed dumbly, confused. "With who?" He laughed, the dimples in his cheeks forming as his crooked smile grew.
"With me of course." I blinked.
"That's it?" Sirius took a step back, freeing me.
"Yes. Just one day, where we forget everything and act like we're having a normal date. That's it." I considered him a moment. That was all he wanted? It seemed so…simple.
"After vacation?" I asked him, my head turned sideways, peering at him thoughtfully. He nodded.
"Okay…" I agreed slowly, thinking through it to find no trickery. He grinned brilliantly in triumph. I eyed him suspiciously as I passed him and walked out of the compartment. Sirius followed close behind. "Let's go back now."
----
Lily's house was exactly as I imagined. It was soft, and homey and welcoming—just like her, small but spacious, and extremely interesting at the same time as being completely normal. Lily's mom, Mrs. Evans was exactly like her daughter, passionate, fiery, and the friendliest person alive. She loved Lily with such an intensity it rivaled on James Potter's affection for her.
It was cold outside, very cold, but during the day Lily and I would walk from her town house onto the streets of London, stopping occasionally to look at muggle gadgets and sip warm drinks. Snow fluttered to the earth in lazy, festive sheets, coating the sidewalks and roads in fine, undisturbed white powder. At night, the city of London was as colorful as a rainbow, with all the assorted beautiful merry lights, and for once a year the town shone brighter than the twinkling stars above.
Lily taught me all sorts of necessities of Christmas, like a Christmas tree, which was dressed in similar lights to the ones hanging from the petite houses outside. Or Christmas cookies, and peppermint hot chocolate, and snowmen. I would have taken all this information in, I would have soaked up this life style with interest and curiosity, if I hadn't been in such unbearable pain for the majority of it.
Sirius never left my mind, not for a minute. The ache was so excruciating, a constant reminder of a hollow pain. It felt as if I had lived in a single home my entire life, only to have it stripped away from me to leave me roaming the streets. Like I no longer belonged anywhere, and I had somehow lost a part of myself or had been left behind.
It was a chilling experience, and although at first the pain of being separated was like a leg being torn from my body, over time the pain receded into a fierce ache that pulsed with the rhythm of my blood. It was eerily hollow within my body without the duel emotions coursing through me. I no longer felt his presence anymore, but my need for him never died as the days passed.
Lily and I laughed and flounced ourselves through the hours until Christmas, playing innocent pranks on her older sister, Petunia, and her Fiancé. Mr. Evans would come home from his job at around five everyday, and he would sit by the fire with Mrs. Evans. Lily's parents were intensely curious about this world their daughter belonged to, and had no qualms showing their awe at the things we could do.
I sat on the floor beside the hearth with Lily, pretending to speak another language. The red haired girl was the one who started this charade, telling her parents that she didn't need to learn French (as they wanted her to,) because she could speak Elucuant. They of course, along with every one else in the world, had no idea what Elucuant was, but Lily offered to demonstrate, and we both suppressed grins as we spoke absolute rubbish.
"Fuer de colobur ofwue cen luus?" Lily asked me, and I replied with a sentence of equal nonsense.
"Dur lo fure qie," I agreed, and Lily stood up, and I followed as if we had understood each other completely.
"We're going to be in my room if you need us," Lily informed her parents solemnly, and they raised their eyebrows before nodding with amused expressions.
Lily's room was clean and neat, something I had gotten used to over the days. It was very bright, and the weak winter sun lit the room with a white light. Her owl, Verdic, hooted from his perch and Lily hurried over to her desk where a letter lay. She looked at her owl.
"Did James' owl bring this? I hope you let that poor bird rest and eat some of your food. Merlin knows you can afford to share," She told her owl disapprovingly, before sliding her fingers around the letter and hoping on top of the bed to join me. Lily stretched out, before ripping open the letter and shaking out the folded parchment.
"It's from James and Sirius," Lily informed me distractedly, chewing on a finger nail as her eyes scanned the script written. Her eyebrows furrowed, and she set it down and looked up at me. "They want to know how we're getting to the Twins New Years party. How are we getting there? I hadn't thought about that."
"I don't know. Where do they even live?" I asked, sitting up. I wasn't particularly excited about going to that trivial party. I would rather spend my time with Lily, or maybe even James and Sirius.
"Woodland Cove, its pretty fancy, but it's definitely not close. Too bad we haven't started learning how to apparate yet, then we could just poof there or whatever," she sat up on her knees, pulling her long sleek hair into a messy pony tail.
"What's apparating?" I asked, and Lily looked at me for a moment before accepting my ridiculous ignorance on some subjects.
"Its how wizards travel. You have to get a license and all. You have to think about where you want to go, and then, Bam! You're there."
"I can do that," I informed her, thinking back to the Ministry when they had remarked on how I could apparate already. I hadn't realized what it was then, but the pieces slipped into place at Lily's crude description.
"You can?" She asked excitedly, clapping her hands together. "Then you can get us there," She said, and jumped up to write the reply. As she hunched over her desk scribbling the answer to James' letter, I wondered briefly what I had gotten myself into, and watched as the sun dipped behind the clock tower in the distance.
---
The day before Christmas, the sun disappeared into thick grey clouds that suffocated the earth. Snow coated the air until it was no longer breathable. Thick, harsh cold gusts swarmed the landscapes, covering them with white, covering their color, and enhancing their beauty.
Inside, Lily's house was warm and cheerful, the fire flickered invitingly, and the sitting room twinkled with Christmas lights. The smell of baking food drifted festively from room to room, and we satisfied our boredom by watching a movie.
The entire movie ordeal fascinated me beyond thoughts, but I kept my awe to myself, as even wizards and witches would know what a movie was. The screen was filled images and sound and color, and I tried to pay attention, but something was pulling me in a different direction.
My body began to tingle, and my eyesight blurred. I knew exactly what was happening but my only thought was not now. Not in front of Lily's family. Not on the holiday break. Not when I finally convinced myself I could pretend to be normal for at least this week. Not when I wanted to enjoy my only Christmas I would ever witness.
But none of that stopped my arms from numbing, and my mind to fill with another swirling time, another life, another scene.
I stood suddenly, surprising Lily and her mother who sat comfortably on the couch. I could feel Lily's awareness of what was happening snap to attention, as she seized my arm and pulled me back down to the cushions of the red couch. The sound from the movie ceased, and I felt Lily beside me before I was submerged completely in another world.
The emotional draw was stronger than anything I had ever felt, and I knew before the surroundings became clear that this would hold significance for only me.
I was dropped into a dusty home, a house long since out of use. I stood on the middle of a large, old wooden staircase, where recent footsteps where the only disturbance in the thick layer of grime. To the side of me, there where glass domes, with something inside, but it was impossible to tell under all the filth. I carefully stepped down the stairs, the familiar pull tugging me in the direction of the only orange light. Voices floated from the archway of another room, and I stepped slowly down the steps and into the narrow dark hallway. Red curtains, faded and filthy, now resembling a brownish color, hung to the right of me along the wall, and I passed carefully. My footsteps made soft plumes of dust disturb the surrounding air, and I left behind cautious foot prints in the layer of dust that coated the stairs.
The hallway was darker, and I felt as if I had dropped into an underground tunnel. My only focus was the strange warm light up ahead—strange, only because of it's cheeriness in this house of solitude.
As I approached the soft voices grew more audible, until I stood in the doorway, watching as a man and a boy stood facing a worn tapestry. The older man raised his hand and brushed it against a spot where the print was peeled and charred.
"…and this was mine." He finished, his eyes glazed over in some distant thought. The younger boy peered up at the man through his glasses, and I was struck suddenly by the resemblance between him and James. I stepped closer, watching the young man with interest. Up close he looked older than I had originally supposed, in his early teens, and the only difference between him and James was his eyes, and a small pale scar on his forehead.
"What happened to it?" The boy inquired, looking up into the face of the older man with interest and admiration.
""My mother…she did this to it when I ran away. I was sixteen." With a jolt, my body froze. I turned slowly, so slowly that I was barely moving, to face the unknown man. I gazed at his strangely familiar face, every line and crease, every fleck of color in his deep eyes, his dark hair, and skin. There was no mistake. No chance that this was not Sirius. I stared at him so long, fighting the waves of emotion that rolled through me, that I missed the boys next question, and didn't hear Sirius' reply.
He was so much older; the lines on his face that used to produce a smile seemed to have forgotten how. He looked past me, towards the doorway, and for a moment I felt as if he could see me, but then he blinked and shook his head.
"You should go to bed, Harry. Get some sleep." Harry reluctantly walked to the archway, saying a brief goodnight before disappearing into the darkness. I continued to stare at the face of Sirius. Unable to comprehend this.
An unwavering rush of joy coursed through me. Here he was. Grown and alive. Alive long after I would give up my life to the clutches of death. Which meant only one thing. Sirius would survive my death, he would live on.
Happiness engulfed me, and I felt it take on the form of a smile on my face. I lit up as I gazed at him, tired and weary.
"Sirius…" I breathed, unable to control my hands from moving to touch his face. He was still watching the opening where Harry disappeared, but when my skin brushed against his chin his eyes snapped downward, where I was. Again I felt as if he were gazing right at me, as if he were tracing the lines of my jaw and face. But his eyes were still searching, unable to gain purchase on my image because I was not entirely supposed to be seen.
He gave up after a moment, and closed his eyes. I could see how tired he was, how much pain he endured in the sadness of his eyes.
He stood silently like that for a minute, then opened his eyes, strode across the room and dropped down onto a faded, ugly couch with a lamp that provided the light beside it. I followed, sitting beside him as he sighed and ran a hand through his dark, unruly hair.
The aging sofa creaked as I settled my light weight upon it, and I wondered how inanimate objects recognized my presence when intelligent beings did not. In all of my visions I had been a ghost, someone who was strung along the scene by a peculiar pull, and forced to watch the horrors or joys from the frames of shadows. Now, I stood next the very man I went to school with at this very moment. I traced his face with my eyes, admiring the age I would never see Sirius reach. He was still aristocratically handsome, with noble features that matured over the years and gained a certain wisdom and sadness.
He leaned back in the soft, dusty cushions of the couch, stretching slightly as he closed his eyes again, seemingly with the intent of sleep. I watching him quietly, and eventually scooted closer to catch a better glance at the edge of a tattoo marking that stretched a little bellow his collar bone.
I paused before I touched him, unsure of what would happen, of how he would react. I had never touched anybody in these visions ever. I never had the chance or the urge. But this was Sirius. And he was alive.
Another surge of relief flooded through me, making me feel light and airy. I smiled at his relaxed form, lightly leaning against him to press my cheek to the hollow of his chest, intent on hearing his even heart beat.
Sirius' body stiffened, and he sucked in a surprised breath. I immediately retracted, frightened I had spooked him, but a strong arm prevented me from moving back. I paused, slowly looking up at him through my eyelashes to find his gaze. But his eyes were still searching, he could not see me.
I pulled away fully, standing before him stiffly, almost hurt that I still went unseen. His eyes scoured the dimly lit room, body tense and alert, but his eyes were sad and his face filled with pain.
"Kira?" He asked hesitantly, almost a strangled, weak, plead. I cringed over the fact that I still hurt him even now, after all these years. "Are you there?" I stared at his limp form for a moment, pain and sadness burning away the happiness I felt earlier.
"I'm here," I answered, taking another step towards him, sprawled on the couch. He didn't move, or show any signs that he heard me.
"I miss you," He breathed, his eyes fluttering closed again, vulnerability seeped over his features and I couldn't tell if his statement was in response to my reply or not. Could he hear me?
I leaned over him, careful not to touch him as I did so. I felt my body leaving, the surroundings dissipating. I sighed slowly, unwilling for once to leave. My fingers tingled, and my stomach flopped and my muscles curled in a regular response. I felt the pull linger dragging my mind away…
Sirius' eyes snapped open, and his sight focused on me completely. His face immediate burned into a hollow pain. His hand reached out.
"Don't leave," He pleaded, and my heart stopped at the sight. I moved fully to him, letting his warmth envelope me.
"I have to," I felt the panic thump inside my body as I faded, I felt the softness of Lily's sofa again, and heard the sound of her voice.
"Don't leave, you always leave." He said, and I was barely able to hear his words, it was like a whisper in windy air.
"Ill always be here," I murmured comfortingly, trying to mask the lie before I was sucked away from his hold and transported indefinitely back to my body.
Lily smiled in relief when I opened my eyes, even if I was still unable to see.
"Are you alright?" She asked, and I nodded numbly, waiting for most of my motor skills to return to me. She sighed, and I felt her shift closer.
"That was a long one. Three hours, its almost eleven o clock," she told me, and inwardly I marveled at the length I had spent there. "You always get so cold." She informed me absently. I blinked, finally able to see her general shape.
"It's because I'm physically leaving my body and visiting a scene in the future," I told her, sitting up slowly, and winced as my head thumped with the starts of a horrid headache.
"I thought your visions were all in your head, like a movie," she said and I nodded. I had thought so too.
"I just assumed, I guess all this seer business is different with every one. But in this last one, someone was able to talk to me." Lily froze, immediately interested.
"Really?" She asked, wide eyed. I nodded, and a sudden so-wonderful-it-burned thought stuck me. Sirius would survive. He would live. I felt the weight of Sirius' life slide off my shoulders, and a brilliant heart aching brightness scorched within me.
---
Kira was having a vision. Sirius could feel it. It was like static in the back of his mind—he couldn't quite get the right frequency. He was too far away from her.
Sirius sighed and tried to focus on the image, he tried to dive into the vision like he always did but found once again that he failed. He couldn't even see what was happening, and this had been going on for an hour now. He wondered if Kira was okay, or if she needed his support for this. Some of the things he'd witnessed through these visions made him shiver to think that Kira had ever endured them alone. They were like scars that still ached long after the injury.
The night pressed in on Sirius as he sat frustrated on a bean-bag chair in James' room. The stars outside twinkled and winked at him and he was momentarily reminded that tomorrow was Christmas. It didn't make him feel happy like the petty holiday used to, before Hogwarts, and before he was disowned.
He ran a hand though his hair in a tired gesture, trying to push his mind into the vision, but again, he found himself colliding with a solid wall. Upon impact his mind thundered, a headache awakening, yawning, and stretching out painfully against his skull. He sighed a silent weary breath in the night, disturbing the pages of an opened book in his lap as the pages fluttered and giggled lightly at the touch of the small wind.
James' snored buzzingly in the background, like a cricket's song outside at night—something that was ignored, and Sirius heaved himself out of the low, difficult chair before dragging his tired body to a sloppy make-shift bed on the floor of James Potter's room. He untwisted the sheets and covers half-heartedly, giving up as quickly as the patience of a tide before slopping his aching body against the soft padding.
The presence of Kira's vision in the backyards of his mind was annoyingly consistent. Always there, laughing at his inability to reach it while also keeping his exhausted mind from sleep-mode. Truthfully, Sirius had been looking forward to a vision, he had thought he would finally see Kira again, even if both of them were only partial beings, made only of mind power and soul. He would still see her.
His muscles and body thrummed with the thought of seeing her, begging him to make this wish reality. His entire carcass ached to just glimpse her, to see the bright color of her eyes, the tanned silk of her skin, and the dark smoking hair that hung down the curve of her back. And Merlin, he wanted to hear her too, he wanted to hear her sweet, pleasant voice, he wanted to hear her sharp, sarcastic comments and her other softer wiser words. His chest ached hollowly in reply to his desire, and Sirius tossed his pillow across the room in frustration.
At least the pain at the beginning had subsided. At first, when Lily's parents town car had taken her further and further away, and as James' parents' portal had taken Sirius farther and farther away, it felt as if he were being shredded, or split apart, or ripped to pieces. He could physically hear his mind tearing from hers as they separated.
But now that the pain had subsided some, he was left with the ability to think about her, which caused much more pain than was healthy.
Sirius gave up on sleeping and walked over to the cold, fogged window, peering up at the stars through the clear glass. He felt the static in the closets of his mind ebb away, like the swift change between night and dawn, and he knew that the vision was ending finally.
The silence within his own head was bitter sweet. He was glad that the frustration and annoyance of that demanding presence was gone, but on the other hand…he was left with nothing more. That vision had been Kira's, and he had held onto that part of her. But now she was gone again, slipping through his fingers like sand, dancing with wind where ever it took her, leaving him alone.. She always left him. She always disappeared.