Surfacing

***

"Falling Smoke?" I asked, trying to keep the anxiety out of my voice. Alex's face focused on me, frowned, and looked away. Alex's face and Falling Smoke's eyes. The sight made my chest singe with grief.

"You look real happy to see me," Falling Smoke said coolly. It took me a minute to respond.

"Bhask is in surgery," I said finally, "Boy's going to the Sea Weeds." Then I bit my lip, wondering if he would think I was trying to make him leave.

"Too much, huh?" he said softly. Puzzled, I didn't know what to say.

"How are you?" I said finally.

"I've been better," Falling Smoke said.

I ached to ask about Alex, but somehow didn't dare.

"Well you'd better go see him. Don't want Bhask waking up to an empty room," he said. He was getting rid of me. I sat for a moment more, unbelieving, then got up to go. He didn't even glance at me.

As I left I noticed his fists unclench from the sheets.

I got back just as Bhask was waking up.

"Mum!" he whispered happily. I pulled him over to me and hugged him hard.

"It's ok, Mum," he said, "I'm fine."

I started to cry.

"Mum?"

I didn't want to worry him, but I couldn't let him go. I tried to smile, but it only curdled my breath with sobs.

"Where's Dorsey?" I said finally through my tears.

"She had to pick someone up from Margie's camp. Someone got injured. She'll be right back. Mum, what's wrong?"

"Is Alex ok?" he ventured hesitantly.

"I don't know," I said through my tears.

***

Dorsey found me later, curled around Bhask in his bed.

"Can you go find Alex?" I heard Bhask say as she knelt down beside us. I squeezed my eyes shut, holding on, holding on.

"How is he?" Bhask whispered when she returned.

"He's still Falling Smoke," I heard Dorsey say softly, and felt her arm wrap around us.

"He can't stay," Bhask said in a hard voice, "it's illegal to implant wild humans now."

"Yeah," Dorsey said, "But that means he can't go either."

"I want to see him," he said, "Mum, come on. Let's go." He got up and pulled me into a sitting position.

"I don't think he's particularly interested in seeing me," I whispered.

"This is Falling Smoke we're talking about?" Dorsey said disbelievingly. I winced.

"Sorry. He is still Alex, you know. Somewhere," she added, "Alex wouldn't give up."

"A little Dorsey pep talk isn't going to fix this one."

"I know," she said softly, "I wish it would. Come on. You can't avoid him forever."

***

I walked as slowly as I could to Falling Smoke's room. I didn't want to see the body I loved possessed by another. Even Falling Smoke. Finally we got to his door. I braced myself and went in.

"What have you done?!" I said, horrified. His skull was covered only in tiny stubble; he'd shaved his head and beard. It still lay around him on the floor, where a nurse was vacuuming it all away. He looked both more aggressive and more vulnerable without his hair. Without Alex's hair.

"So nice to see you all too. Hey!" he said, as I grabbed his head, pressing the prickles of hair into my fingers to convince myself he had really done it.

"It's just a haircut!" He pulled my hands off his head, "The nurse says short hair's all the rage after the fire."

"What?" I shouted, then controlled my tone as the nurse glanced at me. "Why?"

"I was getting sick of people taking me for Alex. I'm not Alex," he said firmly.

"No. You're not," I replied, folding my arms and stepping away.

***

"How exactly do you get to be mad at him?" Dorsey asked, pursuing me down the corridor, "You're the one that put him there." I know I know, I thought. I know that too, too well.

"I'm not mad at him."

She gave me a look.

"Ok, I shouldn't be mad at him," I amended, "but I am." I groaned. This was a mess. I was a mess. I knew I shouldn't be taking it out on Falling Smoke, but just seeing him there, being not-Alex… it was doing my head in.

The problem was, no matter if he even did try to be like Alex, he wouldn't be. He was not Alex. It was right then that he shouldn't try to be Alex. I pressed my palms against my face, leaning on the wall of the corridor.

"I just want Alex back, Dorse," I said finally. And for once, she had nothing to say.

***

Alex sat in a wheelchair in the Healer's office. It was Alex's voice I heard, but it was Falling Smoke who spoke.

"He does not mean to fight me, but he does." Falling Smoke was saying. A flame inside me burned brighter with this small sign that Alex still lived.

"He has saved my life," Falling Smoke continued. "I can't let him die." I hardly dared to hope. I was incapacitated with guilt at what I had done. Falling Smoke had survived; must this mean I had condemned Alex? The thought was unbearable.

Why had I been so stupid? How could I have done this? Because he asked you to, said a small voice inside. Why was it that he could reasonably forbid me to do something, and I could defy him as easily as breathing, but if he quietly asked me to do something crazy, I obeyed like a drone? Didn't think, just did, I thought miserably. He'd been right: I hadn't thought about others getting hurt.

"You must take me out and free him," Falling Smoke was saying.

"I'm sorry. There are no hosts available since the moratorium," the Healer explained, shaking her head, "I do understand your wishes, but I can't."

"You will not need a host for me here," Falling Smoke said quietly, smiling a small, very Falling Smoke smile. We both looked at him in shock.

"Send me back to the Fire World."

As they wheeled him away, he pursed his lips and began to whistle the theme from the Great Escape.

***

I hovered over the hospital bed, clenching Alex's hand in mine.

"I don't know," Dorsey said, peering over my shoulder, "I don't see anything…" she sighed quietly. "Why don't you just lie down for a second. You'll be right here. I'll watch him, and I'll tell you as soon as I see anything." I shook my head. This was the third time today we'd been through this routine.

"I saw something, Dorsey," I insisted, "he moved, I'm sure of it." Dorsey sat back down, fatigue and frustration making her movements inelegant for once. She said nothing.

But I had seen something, and I scanned his face again and again, looking for a sign that he was waking. It had been 40 hours since Falling Smoke had been taken out, but Alex had not returned. Yet, I told myself.

"You're not leaving me" I whispered determinedly. Then, so slowly that I wondered if I was dreaming, his eyelids shivered again and opened to reveal his wonderful blue-grey eyes staring at me. He smiled, and it was Alex's smile.

"I'm not going anywhere," he whispered. My mouth opened in joy and amazement and I faintly heard Dorsey shriek behind me, and Bhask whoop and start running towards us from the snack machine.

"Ow," Alex said, smiling still, twisting his hand out of my mine and cradling my neck. I let him pull me down to him and kissed him gently.

"Oh you guys," said Dorsey, "You'd think you'd been apart for months or something." Alex threw his pillow at her and we grinned at each other.

"Welcome home," Dorsey said.