"How's he doing?" Bobby asked. Sam could barely speak so he just shrugged.

"How're you doing?" Bobby's second question nearly broke Sam right there. After what Dean had just said to him, Sam didn't know what he felt, but he knew it wasn't good. Cas brushed past him and headed downstairs again. Jen appeared out of nowhere in front of Sam and wrapped her arms around him. The tears that had been holding in Sam's eyes since he was downstairs listening to those hurtful things fell down his cheeks, and he looped his arms around Jen holding her tightly.

How could he say that to me? How could he?

There was silence for a moment from Jen. Sam wasn't sure what that meant. Then he finally heard her voice inside his head.

Dean's being very avoidant right now. I don't know if he's speaking the truth or if he's saying things that he thinks will make it easier for you if he does say "yes". I suspect the latter. Dean wants you to feel detached, not to fight for him.

Can't he do that without making me feel like a loser?

This is your big brother you are talking about. What do you think?

No, of course not. That simply wasn't in Dean's nature. However, the way Jen said that, Sam could tell she meant that Dean tries to do the right thing, even though he mostly sucks at it, and Sam knew that.

For what it's worth, I don't agree with Dean at all. Yes, you've been manipulated a few times, but just to be clear, so has he. You're not just going to give in. I know you, Sam. You really are stronger than that.

Jen's words were clear and confident in Sam's head, and he put as much faith into them as he could. Still, that wasn't his only concern.

What about Dean? Will he really say yes?

Think about your brother. You know what he cares about and how he thinks. Do you really believe he'll say "yes"?

Sam thought this over. His brother was certainly known for sacrificing himself for the good of his family, but he knew the consequences this time, and they were bigger than anything before. No, he didn't think Dean would just say yes. At least, he hoped. He heard Jen once more.

You're both stronger than you think.

With Sam's tears dried, and his composure returned, he looked at Jen. "I'm just going to go see him again. Okay?"

Jen nodded, and Sam headed downstairs. When he saw the open door, a wave of panic rushed over him. "Dean!?" He looked inside the room and saw the angel banishing symbol. "Dean!"

[Later]

It was late, the boys were tired, and they finally had come to the conclusion that they weren't going to make it back to Bobby's that evening. They pulled off into a crummy little motel and got a room.

"At least it's clean." Dean mumbled as they entered.

"The parts you can see, anyway." Sam tossed out with raised eyebrows. He wasn't overly thrilled with the grungy place, but Dean wanted a bed, so this is what they got.

"Shut up and pick then, Sasquatch." Dean did a quick Vanna White wave around. That was silly, Sam still always took the bed farthest from the door. He didn't get why Dean even asked. Maybe this was more of that not needing to protect his little brother anymore stuff from earlier. Whatever. Sam was tired. He just hoped that he could shoo away all the crap in his head long enough to sleep.

Sam kicked off his shoes and lay down on the bed. After some adjustments, and pulling most of the blankets completely apart, he finally found a position in which he was somewhat comfortable. Dean was just sitting on his bed watching television. Maybe that's what Dean wanted, not a bed, a distraction. Sam knew that both of them had been thinking about Adam almost nonstop since they escaped without him. He also knew that Dean blamed himself, at least somewhat, for not being able to save both of his brothers.

Adam, and there it was again. The same terrible feeling in the pit of Sam's stomach. He was starting to think that this time might be worse than the last. The last time, they never actually got to meet Adam because it turned out he was dead already. Although the Ghoul could read his memories, they weren't sure how much of the stories it told were true. This time, they got to actually meet and talk to their brother. Of course, Zachariah had practically already turned him against them, but still, Adam was family. You don't leave family behind, and that was exactly what happened.

Now the pit in Sam's stomach was inching it's way up into his throat and tears burned into his eyes. He curled up tightly on the bed, facing away from Dean. The room was dark except for the glow of the television. A tear tracked down Sam's cheek onto his nose and then fell onto the pillow. Almost immediately he felt a gentle touch brushing his hair back behind his ears.

With Jen beside him, more tears quickly followed the one. Jen gently squeezed Sam's shoulder with one hand and slid her fingers through his hair with the other one. She was silent, which was fine, there really wasn't anything to say. The only thing Sam wanted was not to draw Dean's attention, and he knew that Jen could hear that minor request. She must have been helping as well, since Sam couldn't stop crying, but he was able to stay just in control enough not let loose an errant breath or sob. The tears he brushed away occasionally with his hand and rubbed his face into the pillow. After a few minutes or so, he heard a soft "shhhh" inside his head, and he started feeling heavy and tired. His tears slowed as sleep began to overtake him. He did manage to mouth a clear "thank you" before finally drifting off. The last thing he remembered was a soft reply.

"Anytime."

[Immediately]

Dean knew Jen was over by Sam, even if he could only barely see her. He just kept watching whatever was on the tv. He didn't want to think about Sammy lying over there crying anyway. He was having a hard enough time keeping it together himself.

After a while, Jen stood up and turned toward Dean. He clicked the television off and darkness settled into the room. Jen sat beside Dean as he pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

"He's asleep?" Dean's voice was just above a whisper.

"Yes, and he'll stay that way for a while at least." Jen spoke at a similar volume, and answered Dean's unspoken question.

Dean looked down. "I wish he wouldn't do that. It wasn't his fault or anything; it was mine." Tears started to creep into Dean's eyes and he swallowed down a lump in his throat. "I should have gotten him. Adam was family. You don't leave family behind!"

Dean nearly choked on the last word as the tears that were pooling in his eyes slid down his cheeks. He wiped his cheeks on his arms though the tears kept coming. He felt Jen lean in toward him and wrap her arm around his shoulder. A sob caught in his throat as he fell toward Jen, and she caught him with both arms wrapped tightly around him. He pressed his head into her shoulder and she let her head touch gently to the top of Dean's while she held him.

You didn't really have a choice. Zachariah knew that. He planned it that way.

Zach was a dick. Angels are dicks. Because of them we lost Adam, again, and we don't know where Cas is.

Cas will find his way back. He always does.

You are too damn optimistic.

Someone has to be.

Dean knew that she was right. If Jen started to lose her faith in them, fuck knows what might happen. Dean maybe didn't feel quite as hopeless as he did a few days before as he was on the verge of saying "yes", but he still couldn't see how they could defeat Lucifer.

Dean wasn't sobbing anymore, but the tears were continuing to fall despite any of his efforts to stop. Then, Jen, in her usual fashion, began to sing. It felt like it had been ages since he'd heard her sing, since Jo and Ellen ... no. He didn't want to think about more people they lost. He didn't want to think about anything, so he just listened.

Go ahead, push your luck, find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control, and reined my soul in tight
Well the whole truth, it's like the story of a wave unfurled, but I held the evil of the world
So I stopped the tide, froze it up from inside
And it felt like a winter machine that you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again, and everyone else is spring bound
And when I chose to live, there was no joy it's just a line I crossed
I wasn't worth the pain my death would cost, so I was not lost or found

Eventually, Dean drifted off to sleep, still lost in the music. Somewhere in the back of his mind, though, there was the tiniest thought, it whispered, "Maybe we can do this."

Maybe they could.