So it's been a while...
Lauren
Rory keeps bringing up how I can open up to her and now I'm thinking maybe I should take her up on that. It might help me.
"Lauren…" Karma says pulling me back from my thoughts.
"I know, I know. I'm making this hard. You don't deserve this. You deserve easy and uncomplicated. I just…this is a lot for me. I'm just not ready."
Karma let's out a deep sigh.
"You don't have to wait for me," I say
"Don't be ridiculous. I understand why you're hesitant. I know you, Lauren. It's me who's not being fair. I can't just expect you to be ready exactly when I am. I can wait I'm just…crazy about you and I want to be able to express that."
It's my turn to sigh. It's like my mind, my heart, and my body have completely separate minds. It's all mixed up.
I sit down on the couch and let my mind wander to when I started to look at Karma differently.
A little over a year ago
I'm sitting on the couch watching TV slowly raising the volume to adjust to the the sounds of Amy and Karma laughing in the other room. Amy and I have gotten a lot closer over the past few years but Karma and I? Well, to be fair I haven't given her much of a chance. I always just assume that the bond I have with Amy ends when Karma comes over. There's no real reason behind why I don't talk much with her, I just think that she was there for Amy way before I came along so I figure I'll keep my distance.
I continue flipping through channels trying to find something that'll hold my attention. I give up after a while though and settled on the news. I wasn't really paying attention to it. I was watching but not really grasping anything that was being said.
Without any warning, Karma walked into the room and sat next to me like it was completely normal which, just to remind you, it wasn't. So naturally I was staring at Karma with a confused look on my face. After a moment she turns to look at me with a smile on her face. "So this is what you do on a Saturday night? You watch the news by yourself? I've always wondered what it is you do and now I know," she says giggling and then leaning into the back of the couch.
"This isn't 'what I do'," I say with a bit of annoyance. I know she knows that this isn't normal for me because I typically leave when she's here but I feel like I have to make it clear that I do have somewhat of a life. "What're you doing anyway? Where's Amy?"
"Oh she went to bed. She had a long day supposedly."
"So logically that means you come sit with me?"
"Well, no not exactly. I was going to leave but then I saw you."
"…Karma I can't even recall a full conversation we've ever had."
"Because you're never around. Look if you want me to go I can. I just…want to get to know you that's all. Amy talks a lot about you lately and I thought you might start hanging out with us but you haven't."
"I've just been busy."
Karma rolls her eyes,"yea I see that," she says nodding at the TV.
"You and Amy are really close and it just doesn't really seem like there is room for anyone else so I just keep my distance. Three's a crowd right?"
Karma puts her feet on the couch and turns to face me. "I have to disagree with you. I think I'd like having you around and I know Amy agrees."
I don't say anything, I just look at her.
She's smiling again.
—
It wasn't anything big. Nothing was obvious to me at the time. I just remember wondering why she was so interested in getting to know me and why I wanted her to get to know me. From then on I would find excuses to be around her. Obviously Amy never caught on she was probably just happy that we were getting along.
From this it doesn't seem like anything to be freaking out about. I guess it's hard for me to explain. I just constantly feel like I need to be near her and I feel so comforted in her presence. She knows how to handle me.
After that night I don't want to go overboard and say things heated up because that's not accurate. It's more like it brought along a series of events that started to very slowly (as in the pace of a snail attached to a ball and chain) clear the fog that was wrapped around the question mark that was my sexuality. When Amy wasn't around and it was just her and I, we'd have moments that felt so intense when nothing was happening. I started to consider that it might be because I found her attractive. If she "accidentally" touched me or sat too close my breathing would change and I'd immediately turn red. She'd notice and giggle to herself. Or if I was having a particularly sassy day (which was pretty often) she'd make a point of being just as sassy right back and I liked that…it was hot coming from her.
Progress came in very slow steps. Well, maybe not steps…maybe nervous/calculated shuffles.
Shuffle 1: Hanging out without Amy around
Shuffle 2: She would start to sit closer to me.
Shuffle 3: I'd inch me fingers closer to hers so that my pinky was touching hers.
Shuffle 4: She'd link her arm with mine *side note Amy would be around and would then link hers with my free arm= less scary
Shuffle 5: I surprised myself one day when we were alone and I put my hand in hers
Shuffle 6: I rested my head on her lap while she played with my hair watching television.
These "shuffles" were very spread out over the past year.
When things started to seem more flirty than just friendly, Karma wanted to talk about it and I avoided those talks like the plague. I mean obviously, otherwise we wouldn't be in this current position.
"I wish I could give you a specific date and time. I'm trying to…I don't know come to terms with everything. Trust me when I say it's taking way longer than I'd like to. It's a war in here," I say making a circle around my head and my chest.
"I know, Lauren. I can see you exhausting yourself over it. Maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if you open up to Rory? Maybe talking to someone (who isn't me) who can in some ways relate will help you."
"I was thinking the same thing."
Karma
Sometimes trying to be with Lauren is just so frustrating. Not in a 'I want to give up' kind of way, more like 'I just want to know how her lips feel against mine' and knowing that that won't happen for a while kind of way. I daydream about it all the time. I really thought that it was going to happen tonight. We were so close. I could feel her nervous breath on my lips. But of course we were interrupted. I guess it was for the best. Lauren isn't ready. It would just be a mess if she was rushed into something that she wasn't ready for. All in all, there was still progress made tonight. We both finally said how much we like each other…out loud. Lauren covered her eyes but progress is progress. No matter how small, I'll take what I can get.
After I mentioned that Lauren should talk to Rory, Amy walked in.
"Hey what're you two up to? I could really use a distraction. Maybe we could watch a movie or something?"
It has been about an hour since I left Amy at the bridge. I wonder what she ended up doing when I left and I wanted to ask but I thought better of it. If she wants a distraction I'm happy to oblige for now.
"What're you in the mood for?" I ask.
"Anything comedy," she says.
I set up our Netflix account and hand her the remote when I get to the comedy section.
"I'm going to make some popcorn," Lauren says.
I look over at her and I instantly feel like I need to comfort her. "I'll come with," I add and follow her to the small kitchen area.
"Afraid I'll burn it again?" Lauren asks jokingly as she puts a popcorn bag into the microwave.
"Maybe," I laugh, "It does concern me how long you leave it in there."
"It's hard to judge! I never know how many minutes to put it in for and sometimes I think it's done but then the kernels just keep popping!"
"Sweetie…there's a popcorn button on this one…it senses when the bag is fully popped. Takes away all the guess work."
"Well someone should have told me that!"
"Consider yourself informed," I say with a small smile. I reach to touch her hand that's on the counter and lightly tap my fingers, testing the waters while I watch her facial reactions, "we're ok, right?" I ask with my eyebrows furrowed.
"Yeah, we're ok," she replies with a hint of a smile. I'm more reassured though when she opens up her palm and links her pinky with mine. It was our thing. Our small allowance of intimacy in it's purest form.
I want to link the rest of our fingers together and lead her back to the couch once the popcorn is ready but I don't want to push it so I move my hand away.
Lauren tilts her head slightly like she's confused and she takes my hand and squeezes. "I like you," she whispers and takes off with the popcorn bowl.
A smile spreads across my face and I shake my head. She's too adorable sometimes.
I make my way over to the couch and notice that Lauren had placed the bowl in front of Amy which basically means that I probably won't be getting any popcorn tonight. I sit down on my usual end of the couch above Amy who is laid out on the ground. Lauren scoots closer to me so that our shoulders are touching. I can feel her looking at me like she always does when she thinks I don't notice. I can almost hear her mind at work trying to figure something out. I never know exactly what it is but I take an educated guess that she's trying to work out why she's so hesitant about us.
Nobody says a word through the whole movie. Sure we laugh when we're supposed to but nothing else. We're all on the same page when it comes to interruptions during movies. This is probably why Amy wanted to watch one. She doesn't want us to question her about Rory or Beth or well…me I guess though I'm sure we cleared that up nicely.
When the movie ends, Amy stands up and announces that she's going to bed.
"Ok but you're going to spill your guts tomorrow," Lauren says in her authoritative tone and Amy rolls her eyes.
"How come we never talk about your crush, Lauren?" Amy whines.
Lauren immediately turns red and looks trapped.
"OoOo so you do have a crush don't you? Otherwise you wouldn't be so red! That's so funny because Karma has a crush she won't tell me about either!"
Now I was red. Lauren didn't know I had told Amy I had a crush. Lauren flashed a look at me.
"Oh you didn't know either? I changed my mind there's no way Im going to bed now this just keeps getting better. Wouldn't it be funny if you both had a crush on the same person? It would be like my situation. Actually maybe funny isn't the right word."
She just stands there staring at us waiting for either of us to say something…anything. But we don't.
"Why are you two being so weird? It's just me. What're you afraid of? We're all friends here it's a safe space," she half-heartedly laughs but she also looks concerned like she's preparing herself for something.
"I know karma has a crush on someone," Lauren says and my eyes dart to hers. What was she doing? I wish I could read her thoughts. Communicate with her so that we were on the same page. I thought we were. You know the one where we weren't saying anything to Amy about us. But…I don't know she's surprising me that she's even speaking.
"Oh," Amy says looking a little deflated.
Lately I think she feels a little left out and I hate that.
"How about we all just go to bed and we can talk about it in the morning?"
"No, no," Amy says, "I think we all need to talk. We used to never keep anything from each other. What happened? Why the sudden change. They're just crushes why keep them hidden? It kind of hurts that I'm always forced to talk yet here you two are being all secretive."
I can see Lauren almost breaking down. Amy was the most important person in her life and I know it has always bothered her that she felt like she couldn't tell her about us. Her heel was rapidly tapping on the ground as her nervous tick kicked in.
"Amy, I really don't think now is the time," I say.
I look back over to Lauren and I can see the start of tears forming.
"Why not?" she asks.
I think she's getting so blinded by hurt that she's not even noticing Lauren.
"Because I like Karma. Karma is my crush," Lauren says almost inaudibly. Saying that opened the flood gates and tears start falling from her eyes.
My eyebrows shoot up with shock and then I feel Lauren's head fall onto my shoulder and her face turn into my chest as the tears start staining my shirt. I instinctively wrap my arm around her to try to comfort her at least a little.
Amy's expression is unreadable. "What…what'd she just say?"
I just look at her and take a deep breath. I didn't answer her. There was no need to. She knew what Lauren had said.
"And what you have a crush on her too?"
I really want to avoid this getting out of control.
"Yes," I say.
Amy starts pacing. In many ways, Amy and Lauren handle things almost identically. So having them both be in an emotional state is… a lot to handle.
I can still hear Lauren sniffling against me.
"Amy? What're you thinking? Lauren and I…it's complicated. Nothing was going to happen until we told you. And Lauren wasn't or isn't ready to be open to herself about the idea of being with a girl in general. Nothing has happened. We just really care about each other."
She doesn't stop pacing, "you want to know what I'm thinking?" she laughs, "I'm thinking I literally just told you that I had a crush on you in high school. And you knew that. You knew. And Im guessing that means Lauren knew too? And now you're telling me what? That I wanted you but you'd rather have my sister? Exactly how long has this been a thing?"
I look down. I have to try and calm both of them down. Once they relax this conversation will go a lot smoother.
"Amy please sit down?"
"Please answer the question," she fires back.
Lauren pushes up off of me. Her tear streaked face breaks my heart.
"It's been about a year," Lauren says, "Amy please don't be mad. We were going to tell you once I came to terms with everything I swear."
At the sight of Lauren, Amy paused. "You could've come to me, Lauren. You can always talk to me. Especially about liking girls. I could go on and on," she says trying to get Lauren to smile. "I thought you knew that."
"I don't know…this just seemed…forbidden. In the beginning I felt like if I told you, you'd think I was coming between you and Karma and I didn't want that. Those weren't my intentions. I didn't even know what was happening. But you're not mad?"
Amy takes a moment to collect herself. Finally we seemed to be all in a calm place where we could rationally talk about this. She let's out a breath, "I'm not mad. Just a little hurt I guess. I also feel kind of stupid for not noticing."
"There wasn't much for you to notice that something was happening. Like we said, nothing was going to happen until you knew and were ok with it and for what it's worth…until I'm ok with it."