Chapter Twelve: Never, Ever, Always, and Forever More.
"Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without." ― James C. Dobson
"Ok, I'm really not getting this," Xander said, those dark chocolate eyes striking sparks off of hers, "You're gonna have to explain it to me, maybe in small words." He leaned forward, right hand on the wall by her head, those dark chocolate eyes boring into hers, arm straight to hold him off of her. Not enough off – her breath caught in her throat.
"I don't think I speak Jody Weissmuller. Just English," she shot back.
His lips started twitching at the corners, "Jody?"
"Oh, shut up," Cordelia said.
"Johnny. Johnny Weissmuller," he said, the twitch becoming a full blown grin. "Me Tarzan, you Shanna the She-devil."
"Shut up."
He beat his chest with the hand not holding him off the corridor wall and gave a soft Weissmuller yell, very quietly.
"Neanderthal."
"Seriously, Cordy," he shook his head slowly. "Why in the Nine Hells would you put up with killing, crippling, painful, brain damage inducing visions without telling anyone what they were doing to you? And getting infused with demon essence so you can keep doing it?"
"You wouldn't understand," she couldn't meet that gaze any more and her eyes jerked away from it.
"Try me."
Sigh. "It's called redemption. It's what we do here."
He stared down – not too far down, Cordelia wasn't that short, especially not in heels – at her incredulously.
"See? I so told you you wouldn't understand," she started to duck out the side and he slapped his other hand to the wall, trapping her.
Kinda. Any other guy would have a knee in the balls and she'd stalk off. But somehow...
"I understood. I know your damn words," Xander said. "I'm just having problems fitting the caption to the picture in front of me."
She looked away, her breath huffing out to blow her bangs out of her eyes. "No, you really don't."
"Try. Me." Xander's voice was low and as intense as those eyes in that way that always had made her knees weak and her voice catch in the past.
"Because of what I was," Cordelia said, desperately. "The way I was, the way I treated you after we broke up – hell, the way I treated everyone all my life. Miss Rich Bitch, slayer of egos, destroyer of psyches... "
He flexed his elbows abruptly to shove off and back from the wall to pace in a sharp tight arc in front of her. She crossed her arms over her chest, angrily.
"You – " he aimed his finger at her, threw his hands up, and paced again, mouth and hands working.
"You – " he pointed again.
"Yes?" She arched an elegantly manicured eyebrow.
"Arrgh!" Throwing his hands up again, he looked ceiling-wards, maybe for Divine Inspiration. Or patience, maybe.
"See? I told you you wouldn't – "
"Oh, I freaking understand all right," he said. "I just... arrrggh!"
Xander came back to her, hand going out to the wall again to lean into her, dark eyes boring in. "Jesus, Cordy. There's like, worlds and universes of difference between leaving a trail of hundreds of thousands of maimed, tortured, and dismembered bodies along the centuries and using the sharp end of your cutting wit to dismember the occasional freshman, cheating boyfriend, and odd geek in your path."
Cordelia swallowed, hard. When you put it like that...
"Not quite like that," she said, insistent. "I enjoyed it, dammit. All the pain I caused, the people I shattered, the things I said to you, about you... "
"So?" Xander leaned in again, catching himself easily on the hand and straightened arm. "Got news, Cordelia Persephone Chase-Harris." He shook his head, "You are not that bad a person. You do not deserve to kill yourself trying to make up for stuff like that."
"But... "
"No one deserves that," he said. "I don't give a freaking flying rat's ass if the Powers or whatever they are get something useful out of it, or just their jollies or what. Fuck 'em."
She shook her head, wordless. Her eyes went up to his, defiant. "You don't get it. I felt horrible about who I used to be. Once I started seeing what other people were like... "
Cordelia felt all of her justifications running out under that molten brown gaze. Sand, meet hourglass.
"No one, Cordelia." Xander pushed off from the wall again, his hands going up to run through his hair, frustrated. "Angel doesn't deserve that kinda crap." Her jaw dropped open on that one.
"Yeah yeah, hate his guts yata yata," Xander said. "And you know what? I don't always buy into the separation between Angel and Demon, but I get it: He's making up for things he had nothing to freaking do with – and he's an idiot. All those hundreds of thousands of bodies? It wasn't him. It was his evil alter-ego who looked like him. He. Wasn't. Freaking. There. For. That."
Xander looked down seriously at her. "And. You. Are. Not. That. Bad," he said. "You are not a bad guy."
She gulped, searching desperately for all of her rationalization. "And, and, ok, it felt good – I felt useful being able to do something." She thumped him in the chest with her fist, gently. It was hard to get momentum in such a short distance. Yeah. That was it.
"You don't get it," Cordelia said. "I saw everything, when Vocah made the visions go nutso. All those people, all that pain – "
"Better," Xander said. "And. So? Adopt a Geek. Give to the Fund For Wayward Chess Club Members. Stake Vampires. Rescue puppies." His voice dropped an octave, "But don't kill yourself for it."
Cordelia shook her head, struck wordless. Almost wordless. "Damn you."
"And don't surround yourself with people who really don't give an honest crap about you," he said, remorseless.
"What?"
"Hey – Gunn? I can understand, he's probably not around all that much to see what all it was doing, right? And he cares. Fred? Only around you for about a year, you said, and for a lot of that time she was recovering from being crazy. And she cares." He growled, low in his throat, "But Lorne couldn't see it? But Angel? And Wesley? Had to notice something, how much pain you were in, the double-extra-strength painkillers, something. But Angel loses his guide if you give up the visions... "
"No! Damn you," Cordelia hissed.
"He's a de-tec-a-tive," Xander said. "He can, like, detect people who need help."
"Damn you – "
"And apparently neither of them bothered to look too damned hard. Not if the damage was that bad by the time your Powers Demon gave you an out."
"I kept it to myself. Hid it from everyone," she said, almost snarling. "I didn't want anyone to know how bad it was."
"Why?"
"Because!" She pushed off the wall, nose to nose with him, "It was my thing. My way to help, to be special, since everything else was gone."
"You've always been special, Cordy." Xander shook his head, "And your friends are supposed to notice these kinds of things, even if they don't know quite what to do about it."
"Oh, and I suppose you would have... ?"
"I would have noticed."
He said it with such quiet and deadly certainly that it took her breath away, and knocked all the pins out from under her.
"Damn you," Cordelia whispered again. She seemed to be stuck on a refrain here. "And you would have helped, right?"
"Yup." Again with that quiet and deadly certainty.
"How? What makes you think you... "
"Hell, Cordy," he shook his head slowly. "I don't know. Maybe I couldn't. Maybe Giles couldn't. Maybe Willow and all her witchy powers couldn't. Maybe nothing could be done except finally go to your Power's bitch and get an aspect of freaking demon." He drew in a shuddering breath, "But I would have tried, dammit!"
"Why?" Her eyes were searching his, looking for... she didn't know what. Something. Something important.
"Because." Xander leaned in, almost whispering. "Because you don't get to die slowly like that with no one trying to save you. Because someone needed to care the hell about you for something besides how convenient and useful the visions were. Just you. Because you don't get something like that forced on you against your will until you have no real option except get a demon aspect to survive. Because you rate better than that, dammit. Because you're my Cordy and I wouldn't let it happen."
"Your Cordy, huh?" Cordelia felt her eyes go wet, and willed them not to overflow. "Since when?"
"Since we first met and you told me Xander was a stupid name and I had to be Alex. Since first grade when we played knights and castles and you told Jesse he had to be Willow's because I was your knight. Since you looked at my gumball ring with your eyes shining and said 'I want a real diamond'. Since Chad Everette pushed me into the lockers in Little League because I sprained my wrist and lost us the game and you slugged him in the stomach so hard he threw up and you broke a knuckle. Since you were my Lady D'Artagnan. Since you broke my nose when I ruined your gown. Since the longest day of the year when we were fifteen. Since you thoroughly kissed hell out of me in Buffy's basement. Since you told me you'd get me little bath toys when you thought I was a fish monster. Since you broke my heart on Valentine's Day, and since you took me back after the love spell. Since I broke your heart when I ruined your Senior year."
"Oh."
"And since you got on a bus to L.A. with my heart in your hands and never ever brought it back."
"Damn you." Her eyes blazed at him, suddenly. "And just where the hell were you for the past three years?"
"I was right where you left me, Cordy."
"Damn you." She thumped him on the chest, softly. "You were supposed to come after me." Uh. The Hell did that come from?
"I got losted."
"I had it all planned out," she said, thumping him again. "You were supposed to stop here in L.A. after your road trip."
"You took my mind reading hat to L.A. with you."
"I wrote it all down even. We were supposed to fight like cats and dogs and then make up and start over – away from all of that."
"Lost my copy of the script, sorry."
"Me doing auditions out of my rat hole apartment and you with your funny hat job."
"I had a funny hat for awhile."
"And your lamer ass never showed up."
"I can't even find my lamer ass without you."
"Damn you," she said again, huffing out a burst of helpless laughter. "Only you can make me cry and laugh and leak snot all at the same time."
"And look absolutely gorgeous while doing it."
"I hate you," Cordelia whispered. "Only you can unravel everything in me like this."
"I'll ravel you back up if you'll let me."
"Damn you." Thump. "You weren't there." Thump. "You didn't come." Thump. "You never came." Thump!
"I'm here now."
Thump. "Damn you. Damn you all to Hell! " She shoved him away, convulsively and stood up right in his face on her toes, eye to nose with him. "You NEVER CAME, DAMMIT!" She was suddenly, inexplicably furious, "I waited! You were supposed to come!"
Heads popped out of doors all along the hallway, like meercats on Discovery channel popping out of burrows. Cordelia whirled on them, drawing herself up, eyes blazing.
"I'm certain you all have an elsewhere to be. Find it."
The heads vaporized, grumbling, and she spun back to Xander, and then, without quite understanding how, she was somehow a sudden thrashing of hair, tears, and small fists against his chest and all muffled curses and wailing sounds. He caught her up in the circle of his arms and swept her in and absorbed it all, everything, his voice murmuring in her ear.
"You were supposed to follow me," Cordelia said, her voice sounding broken and lost and small in her own ears.
A hand came up and a calloused thumb stroked something wet away from under her eyes. Cupped her cheek and stroked across her lips.
"I found you, finally."
"You were always there before, even when I didn't want you."
"I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere."
"Promise?" Her voice sounded unutterably lost, even to herself.
"Promise," he said, solemnly. She could get lost in those eyes. Had gotten lost, and was again. "'Til death do us part and beyond. Until suns die and the stars go out and the galaxies grind to a halt. And we're both out there waiting for the next big bang to start us all up again."
"Me and no other?"
"I need you like air needs water."
"That makes no sense whatsoever, Nitwit," she laughed, still crying.
"Told you I lost my copy of the script."
"I missed you, dammit," Cordelia said.
"Missed you too." He leaned forward, captured her lips in a long, slow, agonizingly gentle kiss. "I love you," he said, kissed her again. "I want you." Kissed her again. "I need you." And again. "And there ain't no way I'm ever gonna leave you."
A laugh huffed out into his lips. "I don't think that's the way those lyrics go."
"Screw the lyrics."
"Rather screw you," she said into his mouth.
"In your room this time," he said back into hers. "We don't need to baptize another hotel."
His knuckles hurt. He rubbed them gently with his other hand, glaring downward.
"You hit me!" Angel rubbed at his jaw, sprawled in the wreckage of what had probably once been a really expensive antique corner table. Expensive kindling now.
He looked – looked, not glared – up at Xander with an expression of almost comic disbelief and incredulity. No, scratch the almost – it was comical.
"And when you get up, I'm gonna hit you again," Xander said, one corner of his mouth curling upwards into a not-quite-smile.
Angel snorted, losing a bit of the comical expression. He rubbed his jaw again. "You do, and I'll take you apart," he said.
"Well, we're both on the same page, anyway." Xander said, snickering. "Good time will be had by all, I'm sure."
Angel reached up and got a hand on the end of the sofa, gripped it and started pulling himself up along the side. He finally got up to the point where he could straighten his elbow and shove himself upright. He wobbled a bit, before catching his balance.
Actually wobbled. Xander's grin split his face from ear to ear.
Ok, now that's a patented Angel glare.
'Gee, ya think? Ok, you're not wrong,' Still Small commented. 'Now he looks pissed... '
Good for him. So am I.
The vampire rubbed his jaw again, eyes smoking. "Why did you hit me?"
"You were bad. It had to be done," Xander said, deadpan.
"Well, don't do it again." Angel gave his jaw one last rub, and shook his head.
"I'll keep it as a reserve option."
Nod. "Fair enough." Angel blinked at him, then narrowed his eyes. "Ok, mind telling me what that was about?"
Xander could hear startled voices, exclamations, and running footsteps upstairs somewhere. If he could, he was pretty sure Angel could. Fuck 'em. They could buy tickets.
Xander didn't even look around, focused on the vampire. "Because you let Cordy have those visions for two and a half years, knowing how painful they were, without trying to do anything for her." He took a deep breath, let it half out. "Used her."
"We tried! I tried!" Angel growled it out, "I went to the Power's conduit and begged them to do something! Practically ordered them to!"
"Oh, yeah. When it was damned near too fucking late and she passed out from one and nearly went into a coma and you finally found her painkiller stash and CAT scans, you went 'oh shit!'." Xander snorted. "Color me UN-fucking-impressed."
"Dammit!" Angel was yelling, too. Huh. Hadn't noticed their volume had gone up. "She kept it from us!"
"You're a fucking detective." Xander said. "Fucking detect something every once in awhile." He shook his head, "Instead of letting a nineteen year old girl kill herself with visions she didn't ask for doing all your work for you."
The voices and running footsteps stopped somewhere behind and around the pair of them. Xander didn't take his eyes off of Angel's.
"The hell happened here, Angel?" Cordelia asked.
"We were just talking, dammit," Angel looked past him, spreading his hands. "And then, all of a sudden, WHAM! Out of nowhere!"
Xander ignored the distractions. "Instead of not looking too hard and letting Cordelia die for your redemption." Startled gasps and a shocked intake of breath from behind them. He ignored those too.
"It wasn't like that!" Angel said, doing the affronted cat thing. "That's not fair, dammit"
"Oh, gee. Life isn't fair," Xander growled. "Wait – I'm jotting this down so I won't forget it."
"What would you have had me do? Us do?" Angel stalked forward, all loose and dangerous and vampiry.
"Oh, for fuck's sake, call us! Call Giles! Ask for outside help, jeeze," Xander tilted his head back slightly and locked eyes with the slightly taller being. "Research. Notice what's going on with the girl that hero worships you and is supposedly your best friend, dammit."
"Wesley tried everything looking into the visions and Seers and Powers, dammit," Angel snarled.
"Wesley couldn't find his ass with the Pergamum Codex, dipshit," Xander scoffed. "He mistranslated a prophecy and got his throat cut trying to rescue your kid from a threat that wasn't there."
Oh, boy. They were really pulling out all the stops now, yanking bloody, bleeding strips off of each other. There was a shocked gasp behind them and off to one side. He ignored it. Angel's eyes bugged out with barely suppressed rage, and he ignored that too.
"You think Giles would have done better?"
"Don't you?" Xander stuck his nose right up to the vampire's.
"And do you think Giles would have helped us – me – if I'd asked him?" Angel's voice was anguished, and that cooled Xander a bit.
A bit. Not much.
"Dunno. Woulda taken some balls to call him and find out," Xander said. "But he'd have turned himself inside out to help Cordelia. And you fucking know it."
He spun on his heel, ripping his eyes away from the vampire's and turning his back. "Nothing stopped you from asking Giles for help when the First Evil had your ass on the line," Xander threw back over his shoulder. "But when it was Cordy's ass... ?"
Xander caught Cordelia's eyes, wide and shocked, staring at him with one hand covering her open mouth, and froze in mid statement. Fred and Gunn were arrayed next to her, Fred's mouth equally open. Gunn was frankly staring, looking half pissed, half incredulous.
"She left you," Angel said, quietly, and Xander whipped back around a few steps away, eyes narrowing. "We were here for her, not you," Angel said, his voice soft and deadly.
"Sure you were," Xander said, equally quietly and equally deadly. "I can tell."
"Don't you tell me what we were or weren't, Harris," Angel said, his head moving slowly from side to side.
"Someone sure the fuck needs to."
"Why me? Why Wes?" Those furious eyes bore into his. "Gunn was here too," he gestured. "He didn't see it either. Why not belt him one too?
"Hey, now," Gunn said. "Don't get me into this."
They both ignored him. Xander shook his head, disgusted. "Because you're supposed to be the Champion, Angel. Capital 'C'. Wes is a Watcher, dammit, even if he never was a very good one."
"Not good enough, Harris," Angel said. He looked like a big, dangerous dog with a bone; shoulders hunching, all growly and shaking his head slowly. Just needed a thin trail of drool from his chops. "Why me, specifically?"
"Because you were supposed to take care of her," Xander said, slowly and carefully. "I trusted you to take care of her."
That made Angel blink.
"Yeah. Me. Who'da thought, huh?" Xander snorted, giving the vampire a disgusted look. "That's why the hell I didn't worry so much about not dropping by to check on her when Willow said she was working with you. You were here, and you knew her from Sunnydale. Gunn didn't – you did. I always figured you'd take care of her."
Angel did that offended cat thing again, his head snapping back and his eyes losing a bit of the glare.
"Sure the fuck fooled me, huh?" Xander made a disgusted gesture, and turned on his heel, starting to walk away from it all. Over his shoulder, he said, "You know? Buffy and Willow and Cordelia always thought you were a person. Me? I always knew that at the end of the day, you were a vampire."
Xander shook his head again, and tossed over his shoulder, "But it sure would have been nice for you to prove one of them right, for once."
"And you did so much better by her," Angel snarled out.
"I fucked up." Xander said, running a hand through his hair, suddenly tired and furious and tired of being furious. He turned fully to face the other man. "I'm trying to fix that now."
"Good job," Angel said. "Belting me in the mouth will sure do that."
"Sure made me feel better," Xander said.
"Bit late, isn't it?" Angel said, his eyebrows going up. "Trying to fix things? The Powers fixed it. You just showed up after to shake things all up, all guilt torn because you weren't here when it was going on."
Xander looked at him for a long moment, slightly boggled that Angel could still trust those damned Powers after everything Xander had been told about everything. He sighed, shook his head and turned to walk again.
"Angelus was right," he heard from behind him and he whipped around again, staring incredulously.
"Buffy's White Knight," Angel shook his head, a slight tinge of disgust mixed with admiration on his face. "Always riding to the rescue, with half a brain and all balls."
"Trust a vampire to pull that out," Xander said, quietly. "Suck the life out of everyone around you, even with a soul."
Angel snorted, "Cheap and easy shot, Harris."
"You're one to talk." Xander shrugged. "And it's me and Cordy." A half grin curled up the side of his mouth, and he shrugged again, "Not me and Buffy. And Angelus was a dumbass who basically managed to murder a bunch of fish and an unarmed teacher in the course of five months."
Angel opened his mouth to say something, and Xander sliced across whatever it was, smiling gently, his eyes riveting the vampire's.
"Me and Cordy, not me and Buffy," Xander said, "Y'know? Way down deep, where it counts, we're still six or seven years old, playing after school, and she's Princess Precious and I'm her knight because she said so." The grin curled a little broader. "Her Black Knight, 'natch – because no one has White Knights after Labor Day. Her mother said so, and that settled it."
Cordelia's other hand went to her mouth, and her shoulders shook slightly.
"Angelus was wrong." He sighed, then smirked and fixed Angel with a disconcerting grin and an even more disconcerting stare, "I never was 'Buffy's White Knight'."
He turned his head slightly and caught Cordelia's eyes, the only eyes in the room that mattered.
"I was always Cordelia's black one."
Angel snorted, "At some point, you stop being six years old, Xander."
Xander made a derisive sound. "Shows what you know, Dead Boy."
He turned and stalked off again, exiting through the front doors, and this time, no one called him back.
Angel looked at all of them arrayed around watching in shock, and in some cases, dismay, snarled something under his breath and pushed past Gunn and stalked off in a swirl of black coat.
In the opposite direction of where Xander went.
He stopped abruptly; spun around with his finger out, jabbing at Cordelia. "Get him the hell out of here. I want him out of my face. And out of my building."
Cordelia's hands came down from her mouth, slowly, and she closed it. Her eyes narrowed slightly, and she said, "You know... I go with him if you do that."
"Fine," Angel growled. "If that's what it takes? I've had it with him." His eyes swept across the others, and met Gunn's. "Problem?" he asked.
Gunn tilted his head, met his eyes back. He thrust out his chin slightly, "I haven't decided, yet," he said, "Boss." The 'Boss' didn't sound like a term of endearment.
"You make up your mind," Angel said, his voice rough, "Let me know." He strode away in a swirl of black coat and silk and old blood smell.
Everyone stared after him. Almost everyone – Cordelia blinked and stared after Xander. She couldn't believe that that just slipped out of her mouth, about choosing to go after Xander over Angel.
"Think I'll do that thing," Gunn drawled, hands stuck in his pockets.
"I can't believe that," Fred said, eyes still wide and shocked. And slightly outraged that anyone would talk to Angel like that, probably.
Gunn just shook his head, still looking shell-shocked, but shading to slightly amused now. "Your boy actually hit Angel."
Cordelia finally managed to get her brain unfroze and her mouth completely closed. She snorted. "Right smack in the mouth, it looked like."
"I can't believe he did that," Fred said, again, sounding dazed.
Gunn snorted, a slow grin spreading across his face. "Hauled off and decked homeboy."
"Can you believe he did that?" Fred shook her head. She blinked, and said, "But Angel and Wes did try to figure things out... "
Cordelia shrugged. "Well, yeah. I know that. You and Gunn know that. Angel knows that. Hell – Xander even knows that, if he thinks about it."
"Don't seem to matter to him," Gunn said, smirking.
"Oh, I mean up here," Cordelia said, tapping her temple. "Down here," she slapped her stomach, "He doesn't really believe it. Scared the crap out of him; the whole me nearly dying thing and having to get demonized."
"So he decked Angel," Fred said. "I still can't believe he did that!"
"Oh, I can," Cordelia said. "Definitely."
"Gee, Barbie," Gunn drawled, examining the wreckage of the side table with a smirk, "Somehow, you don't sound all that surprised."
"Hah. Shocked? Yes," she said, nodding. "Surprised? Oh, hell no."
Fred swallowed. "Y'know, even in Pylea when I met Angel and he turned all grr and primal vampire demon an' all, I was never scared of him. Ever." She took a deep breath, "But to haul off and punch him one? That might do it."
"Your boy ain't scared of much, huh?" Gunn said, nodding.
Cordelia snorted. "Xander? Terrified, mostly. Like, twenty-four seven, some days. He used to say that he learned how to live in a constant state of gibbering terror 'cause it wasn't going away."
"Yeah. Riiiggghhhht." Gunn snorted and shook his head, expression frankly disbelieving.
"Oh, he's just not scared of things that most people are," she said.
"Like... ?" Fred gestured at the shattered table and vaguely around the lobby where the confrontation had taken place.
"Oh... when we were around ten or eleven, Tor Hauer and Kyle DuFours used to terrorize Xander and Jesse. Used to beat the crap out of them, matter of fact," she said, her eyes going distant. "Got to the point where Xander and Jesse would go, like, blocks out of their way to avoid running into them. Absolutely terrified of the inevitable confrontation and knockdowns."
Gunn snorted, nodded, and said, "Had a few guys in my neighborhood I used to avoid like that."
Cordelia grinned. "Yeah, well, one day, they caught the three of them together on the playground, Xander and Jesse with Willow. And Kyle shoved Willow when she told him to knock it off. Knocked her down, skinned her knee.
"Both of bullies went to the Emergency room that day," Cordelia said. "And Xander got expelled and his dad beat his ass because he had to take off work to come up and get him back into school. I think there was anger management therapy involved." She paused, "And no one, I mean no one, ever shoved or hit Willow or me or any of the other girls around Xander. Ever again."
Gunn snorted, shaking his head. "Yeah. Did that for Alonna a couple times."
Cordelia nodded. "And way back when we were getting started in this whole vampires and demons and support the Slayer thing, we kinda hit a routine... "
Fred raised her eyebrows, fascinated.
"Giles more or less gave Buffy her head because she ignored him or browbeat him or sweet talked him around her little finger. Willow – Buffy became Willow's bestest friend, and Willow went along with everything Buffy wanted because she was terrified of losing that. Oz... Oz went along with whatever Willow wanted."
"And you?" Gunn asked.
"Oh... I was basically me," Cordelia said, smirking, and Gunn and Fred laughed. "Xander, though – Xander was the only one that would really get up in Buffy's face when he thought she was fucking up. Me too, yeah, but I went along with things more than I like to admit.
"Xander was the one who would tell her whatever the hell he thought she needed to hear whether she wanted to hear it or not. Usually, not. And she hated it. And nothing hurt one of us girls around him. He'd throw himself into the most hopeless fights and get hurt before he'd let something reach us. He even threatened to kill Buffy once if she got Willow hurt doing something stupid. And meant it."
"Wow." Fred shook her head. "So... White Knight complex, huh?"
"Black Knight," Cordelia snapped, "Gods – he hates that White Knight thing Angelus slapped him with. Absolutely detests it." She snorted, "And... you dig past that clown mask and goofball exterior, and Xander's one of the darkest people I've ever known. Just keeps it hidden real well."
"So, no problem believing he'd punch Angel, then," Fred said, nodding.
"So, yeah... " Cordelia shook her head, a slight grin playing at her lips. "I can believe the dumbass would deck Angel and stand here and give him what for, just as he sees it – right or wrong, and not give a single damn that Angel could pop his head off without trying."
"Just because he thinks Angel stood by and let you get hurt, huh?" Gunn said.
"Yup." She grinned. "And now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go find my idiot husband and give him what for."
She found Xander sitting on the steps by one of the ornate stone pillars at the end of the Hyperion's entrance walk, soaking in the early afternoon sunlight and whittling on something with the little Kershaw pocket knife he carried. A stake, looked like. She smiled. You can take the boy out of Sunnydale...
Cordelia sat down next to him, not saying a word.
He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "So. Come to rip me a new one?"
"Nope."
After a few minutes of silence, Xander snorted and shook his head, "I probably deserve it."
Her lips twitched, but she just shook her head and said, simply, "Thank you."
That brought his head around, eyes searching her face curiously. Not finding any sarcasm or condemnation there, evidently, he nodded once. "You're welcome."
Companionable silence passed between them again, for a few minutes. Cordelia sighed, finally, and said, "Angel kicked us out of the hotel."
"Figured," he nodded, then his head whipped around, "Us?"
"Told him if he kicked you out, I go too," Cordelia said. He searched her face again, then his lips twitched slightly.
"Sorry."
"Don't be."
He shrugged, went back to his whittling.
Cordelia said, after another minute or two, "You really need to stop hitting my friends."
Xander snorted, and shook his head slightly, a ghost of a smile on his lips. "And here, I was thinking that with Angel, I could enjoy doing it more often."
She hid a grin, and then a laugh softly huffed out of her. They fell silent again for a bit.
After a long moment, she sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Ok, so I was kind of pissed," she said. He nodded again, watching the traffic out front on the street, his hands apparently moving without need of eyes to guide them.
"But then again," she added, paused thinking, started again, "When I was standing there frozen in horror listening to you and Angel verbally rip each other to shreds, my mind kept thinking... "
Cordelia trailed off and Xander glanced over at her again. "Just suddenly thought about when we were in Pylea and Angel and Gunn and Wes fought their way in to the palace, and found me in my Princess regalia... " She made a vague gesture with her hands, "Suddenly, it was all like it was a big... joke, you know? Gee, Cordy fell into shit and came up diamonds, what were we worried about? Yuck yuck, and oh, look – she got her a hunky boyfriend, too, even.
"And it wasn't a joke, dammit," she said. "I was captured by demons and made a slave and they were going to slice out my vocal cords, dammit!"
He snickered, and she punched him in the shoulder, reflexively.
"Yeah, yeah – one way to shut her up, right?" Cordelia snickered, continuing, "I was scared to death. And they gave me to Groo as a consort, so he could take my visions by sleeping with me. Just happened to turn out he was kind of a nice guy, luckily."
She sighed, and more silence passed for a minute or so.
"Doyle wouldn't have laughed. Well, he would, but... " she said, waving a hand at him. "Like you. And you – well, you'da laughed, but it wouldn't have hurt like that."
"Wouldn't have mattered," Xander said, nodding. "Always been like that. We fight and we bicker and we argue and we say whatever the hell pops in our heads, knowing the other is doing the same thing, and do the wrong things and insult each other and it's always been like that." He hunched forward a bit, his voice going intense. "And it doesn't matter."
"Not like that, no," she agreed. "Because behind the joke and the insult, I'd know you'd been terrified. And you'd probably have half killed yourself getting in there."
"And laughing and making a lame joke because you were ok," he said. "And meanwhile, appreciating hell out of the whole chain-mail bikini thing."
"Yup. And making Princess Leia wisecracks."
"Oh, yeah. And milking the Han Solo vibe for all it was worth," he said, laughing. His eyes went to her again, crinkling at the corners, then sobering. "So... ?"
"So... Doyle would have noticed," Cordelia said. "And he'd have been horrified that he accidentally passed the visions to me, and at the agony they were causing me. And so was Angel, at first, but..." she made a vague gesture.
"Started taking it in stride," Xander said, quietly.
"Yeah," she said. "Kinda."
"And Wes maybe didn't look quite as hard as he could have," he said.
Cordelia shrugged. "Or maybe just wasn't competent enough to look in all the right places," she said. "I mean – he never came up with the whole 'only demons can handle the demonic visions' thing."
They were quiet for a long time together, again.
"I really can take care of myself, you know," she said, quietly.
His hands finished working at the stake, and Xander held it up to his eyes, turning it slowly for inspection. He nodded, and handed it to her, folding the lock blade and sliding it into his pants pocket. 'Nice', her eyes said as she examined it.
"Sure you can," he said, agreeably.
"Hey!" Cordelia shook her head. "I can."
"You can." Xander nodded, "But you shouldn't have to do it alone."
She sighed, "And, ok, so it's kinda nice having someone wanting to take care of me. Sometimes."
"So, you're kinda not so mad I gave Angel pure hell just now," Xander said.
"Kinda," she agreed. "Kinda yeah, but kinda no."
Xander snorted, and the corner of her mouth curled up into a kind of a half grin. "It was just kind of... " she made another vague gesture with her hands, saying, "Kind of nice, having someone focused on me, for a change, and what all this was doing to me, not... "
"Me me me," he said, smirking. "One hundred percent pure Cordy."
"Oh, shut up," Cordelia said, grinning and slugging him in the arm.
"Just you," Xander said, nodding. "Still think Angel found it convenient, you having the visions, and that's why."
"I don't," she said. "Just... maybe," she made that gesture again, "Focused more on his mission and redemption, maybe. And then on Wolfram and Hart and Darla and Drusilla. And then on his son."
"And other people are supporting players in the Angel and Buffy drama," Xander said.
"We're all the stars in our own dramas," Cordelia said.
"Not me," Xander said, quietly.
She looked at him sharply, scowling. "No, you subordinate yourself to everyone else's drama. You're happy being a bit player."
He snorted. "Not happy, exactly, maybe."
"Satisfied," she said. She slugged him in the arm again, still scowling slightly. "And you are so not going to do that to me. For me, either."
Xander shrugged, and stood. He held his hand down to her, and she took it, letting him pull her to her feet.
"So what happened to 'it's kinda nice having someone wanting to take care of you'?"
"And you need someone to take care of?" Her eyes searched his.
"No. Not so much any more," Xander said, a slight smile touching his lips, crinkling his eyes. "I need a partner, I think. Someone who doesn't mind being taken care of when she needs it, and likes taking care of me back, sometimes. Someone who stands beside me, not behind me as a bit player."
"I could maybe live with that," she said. Xander leaned down and kissed her gently. Cordelia smiled against his lips and said, "I think I kinda might love you."
"I know," his lips curled up in a half grin, and she slugged his arm. The grin went broader.
"Jerk."
"So, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, I'm guessing."
"Well... Dennis does need a roommate."
"'K," Xander said, agreeably. "I like Dennis. He's quiet. Need to get your stuff from the hotel here?"
She frowned, then shook her head. "Screw it," Cordelia said. "Can come back for it later.
"I am taking my car this time, though," she added.