The Darkness Before Sleep

Jamie could feel the moist dirt through her pants, but she wasn't sure whether the ground was warm or cold. She supposed that it would be cold, since it was growing later in the season and the ground was usually cold around that time. But the trees were still green and the days were pretty warm. Blinking blearily, she looked up toward the sky, seeing that it was clear. It was going to be a nice day, apparently.

Rough hands gently slid beneath her arms and pulled her up, taking the woman's limp weight as she continued to dazedly stare off. They were familiar, those hands, but they weren't his.

Rick carefully took Jamie's weight with one arm around her waist, the other hand keeping hold of her arm as he supported her. She didn't even react to him being there, to his touch. She just continued to stare ahead of her, where Daryl had once been standing. He was gone now, already off with Merle. Rick had faintly heard the elder Dixon comment on Jamie before Daryl punched him in the face and kept walking. He supposed that should give him some hope that Daryl would come back, but he was worried.

"Jamie?" he called to her softly, trying to get her to look at him. She blinked slowly, causing more tears to fall.

"Is he really gone?" she rasped out, not even looking at him.

Rick bowed his head for a moment, wishing that he could tell her that Daryl was just over by the car. That he'd decided to stay instead of going with Merle. But as much as he wanted to tell her this…he knew that it was false.

"I'm sorry, Jay," he whispered to the distraught woman, feeling her body tremble in his hold as she fought to stop herself from completely breaking down again.

They carefully put her in the passenger seat of the car, the woman appearing completely blank and numb as she stared out the window. Rick was fairly certain that she wasn't even aware that there were silent tears dripping down her cheeks. Her eyes were nothing but pain, glistening with what tears that had not yet fallen. The drive back was silent aside from the sounds of the engine. Even when they had to stop to remove a truck from the middle of the road, blocking their path, Jamie didn't move from her seat.

Rick noticed when they were nearing the prison that she was twisting the ring on her finger, the one that Daryl had found on the highway. She didn't register that she was doing it, subconsciously twisting the metal around her finger again and again. Her hand trembled against the movements, but she never stopped. Not until the gates of the prison came into view, drawing her bland eyes up to the metal fences that kept their group safe.

Had kept them safe.

It was terrifying to think that this new man, the Governor, could arrive at any moment and take it all away from them. Jamie wanted to say that she'd fight for her life to save the people that had become her family, but the most important part of that family was gone now. She didn't know if she would really fight when the time came; if she would be able to kill to protect them.

Was she like Merle, when she killed that prisoner? Was she like Merle when she shot or hurt someone?

Belatedly, Jamie realized that Rick had gotten out of the Car and Maggie had taken over in the driver's seat, driving up the winding path that led from the front gates to the building they had claimed as their new home.

They were never going to catch a break, huh?

With the car leaving them behind, Rick took a moment to embrace Carl as soon as he had come to greet him. He never liked to leave the boy behind, where he would never know if he was safe while he was away, but this time he had no other choice. Carl hugged him back just as tightly, making Rick smile as he pulled away to look him over. Thankfully, there was nothing different about his son, so things must have been calm while they were gone.

"Where's Hershel?" Rick asked calmly, rising back to his full height as the car grew distant up the pathway. Carol, however, followed it for a moment as she looked through the windows carefully. Maggie, Glenn and Jamie were all inside with the black woman that had led them to the town, but Daryl was missing, taking a lingering moment to look Jamie over, hunched in the passenger seat and turned away from her, she could only assume the worst.

"Where's Daryl?" she asked Rick, interrupting him and Carl.

Quickly stepping up to Carol's side, Rick placed an assuring hand on her shoulder. He had been so worried about Jamie's reaction that he hadn't even thought about Carol. "It's alright—he's alive." Carol relaxed as the assurance but looked back out to the road that they had come in on, still frowning. "We ran into his brother," Rick continued cautiously. He knew that Jamie held an insatiable hate for Merle, but he didn't know how Carol would react. She was one of the few that knew Merle from the original group out of Atlanta, so she would know him perfectly.

Swallowing thickly as he looked to the ground, Rick felt the words sour on his tongue.

"They went off and…Daryl told Jamie to stay with his, so she'd be safer."

Carol was silent for a moment, taking in the information as her eyes flicked up toward where they could no longer see the car, knowing that it was parked out of sight by now. "They left?" she asked carefully. "Daryl left?" her words trembled as she repeated herself, fidgeting on the spot as she continued to look back at the road before turning to the prison, unable to comprehend the actions of the man. "Is he coming back? He…he has to come back!"

Together, the three of them made for the path leading up to the main building. To their cellblock.

Rising out of the car on shaking legs, Jamie took in the prison, standing tall above her head, imposingly solid. It seemed different now, seen with new eyes as she took in ever crack in the brick, the faded paint that chipped off like burned skin. Taking a few stumbling steps, Glenn was suddenly there with a steadying hand on her back, giving her a moment of support as Maggie came over as well.

The others must have realized they were back somehow and came flooding out the gated doors, Beth leading the pack as she rushed to greet her sister. Hershel hobbled behind a bit slower, but there was a look of contentment on his face. Jamie moved away silently, not even looking at the others as she walked over to the doors. Those were the doors she had carried Lori's body out of, cold in her arms but still weighing that of a human body.

Carol rushed away from Rick and Carl as soon as she had seen Jamie's staggering form, a bloody strip of cloth wrapped around her forearm and her entire body looking absolutely done. She had never seen the woman's shoulders so low, her arms so limp and her body so unable to support itself. Again and again, she had told her that everything she did was for Daryl; to keep him safe, to keep him with her. Her meaning of life, her reason to stay alive, was gone.

Winding an arm around Jamie's shoulders, she felt her heart constrict painfully at the tears that were shining in her reddened eyes, her nose running and her lips trembling. Wrapping her in a solid embrace, Carol pulled her into her body, hoping to offer any possible comfort that she could give the other woman. "I'm so sorry, sweetie," she whispered against Jamie's hair, matted and unkempt from her time in the other town.

Jamie choked a sob as she was leaning her head down on Carol's shoulder, her taller frame leaving her to bend her neck awkwardly, but not actually feeling it. She didn't want to cry anymore, she didn't want to feel the burn as tears left her eyes. It made her head hurt, it made her entire body shake in ways that were against her control. She hated it, she hated crying, and she hated most of all that she was crying because of him.

How dare he just leave? How dare he leave her now, of all times, when he knew that there was danger lingering just beyond the forest?

And with Merle.

Feeling Carol pull her against her body, wrapped in her arms like her mother had once done when she was a child, only made Jamie cry harder. She had never really thought on the comfort of a mother, since she always had Daryl as a secure wall around her, keeping her supported and safe. Now that the wall was gone, the terrors could finally reach her.

Choking heavily on her sobs, tears and saliva covering Carol's shirt as Jamie broke apart—no person within hearing range didn't feel sick at the sound. Carol rubbed a hand up and down Jamie's back gently, offering soft shushing and cooing sounds to do all she could to calm the woman down. Jamie actually sounding like she was choking, struggling to breathe from the harsh contractions in her chest that caused her sobs, so violent and painful. Carefully helping Jamie to sit down on a nearby picnic table that was in the outside court, the older woman continued to sooth and rock her as Rick and Hershel spoke softly a couple of yards away.

Rick didn't waste time in telling Hershel what had happened, what he had seen when going to retrieve Daryl. About the fight to the death, Jamie as leverage, and finally Daryl's decision to leave them—leave his wife—to go out with his brother. He could understand wanting to keep close to the only blood relation he has left, but Rick could not grasp Daryl's willingness to leave Jamie behind. He knew that she could keep herself alive out there just fine, had done so long before even meeting Rick. But Daryl had wanted her to stay back to stay safe and Rick couldn't guarantee that she was safe at the prison.

Stepping up behind her, catching Carol's watering eyes, Rick gave her a faint nod to show his gratitude. If there was anyone who could do it, Carol would be able to help Jamie. Offering a trembling smile in return, she continued to stroke along Jamie's back in the hopes to quelling her shakes—she knew that such hard sobs would start to hurt after a while. Rick placed a gentle hand on Jamie's head, feeling her shaking even from that simple touch, before he leaned forward to press a kiss against the top of her head, reminding her that he was there as well.

As much as she would feel it, she wasn't alone. He just wanted to remind her of that.

Carol remained outside with Jamie for what felt like hours, holding the woman as she cried. However, it proved to pay off when she began to calm as the day grew late and the air gained a cooler feel to it. Carol let Jamie remain leaning heavily against her, sniffling and coughing in some attempt to regain herself. No one dared disturb them, knowing that Jamie could very well lash out while in such a vulnerable state. They put faith in Carol's bond with her that she would be well taken care of.

"Feel a bit better?" Carol asked in a hushed tone once Jamie had pulled away from her, instead sitting on her own as she leaned her elbows heavily on her knees, taking in deep, trembling breaths. She looked so small, hunched over as she was.

"N-no," Jamie hiccupped, glaring down at the pavement. She definitely looked a sight, sight her eyes and cheeks blotched red, slightly puffy from crying. On top of that her cheek was turning all kinds of colours with a swell of its own, and her lip had started bleeding again when her crying ripped open the scab there.

"How about we get you inside," Carol proposed, tilting Jamie's chin up to get a look at her again. Her nose was dripping, lips were bloody and eyes still shining with lingering tears, "And get you cleaned up. Might help you to feel a bit more like yourself."

Knowing that she couldn't stop Carol's persistence—and she was a very patient woman—Jamie let the woman help her up and guide her back inside. Using a bandana that she always kept in her back pocket, Carol helped as best she could to wipe Jamie's face clean, acting every bit a mother, explaining to her quickly and calmly about the new people that were inside. The blonde didn't react to Carol's explanation, but she knew that she understood what she was telling her.

The second they stepped into the anteroom, Jamie's shoulders had stiffened up again and, even though it was still apparent she had been crying, she marched past the group with more command in her body than she had since Daryl had left. If anything, it just made her look downright pissed off.

The four new-comers watched her and Carol pass by with peculiar looks on their faces, not having realized that there was another person in the group. Her condition didn't escape their notice, but no one made a sound as Carl let her and Carol inside their cellblock before locking them inside once more.

Beth was first to greet Jamie, offering her a hug even as she cradled the baby in one arm, the other around Jamie's stiff shoulders. "He'll come back," she whispered into the taller woman's ear. "He has to."

Soon she was sitting on the stairs with Hershel and Beth, holding a cool, damp cloth to her face. It helped with the splitting headache that she had been left with from her crying, while also taking some of the redness and swelling from around her eyes. Beth was holding the baby as she sat beside Jamie, smiling whenever she noticed Jamie's fonder looks at the small infant. She refused to hold her, however, as she was worried that her arms wouldn't be able to support the child.

"You would never drop her," Beth soothed. "You're too careful to do that."

Shaking her head, Jamie just leaned her face back in her damp cloth and leaned against the railing beside her, listening to Hershel and Rick speak about the newest problem. They had the Governor's threats lurking in the back of their minds, as well as the appearance of a group of people that they didn't know, and didn't know if they could trust.

Sighing with the faintest of sounds, Jamie moved to lie back on the steps, the metal cold beneath her helping to sooth some of the aches in her body, even as they presented new ones. After reverting to a sobbing mass of an adult and relieving her pent up agony, all other aches had slowly returned. Her face hurt the most, but the cold cloth helped with that as best as it could.

A short time later, against her will, Jamie was left in the cellblock with the baby as the others went to go and speak with the four people that Carl had found in the tombs.

She gave a sad smile as the baby scrunched her face up slightly in her sleep, making the softest grumbling sound as she squirmed atop Jamie's legs before falling still once more. Tickling at the tiny girl's chubby cheeks, she almost felt a bit more at peace before she focused on her own hands, taking in the raw skin, split and scabbed, from the beating that she had given to Merle. "He adored you," she whispered down to the baby, remembering when Daryl had first taken her in his arms and cradled her, feeding her a bottle of baby formula.

Kicking her small feet towards Jamie's stomach, the baby's face scrunched up again before she gave a faint cry. Blinking in surprise and worry that she had done something the make her cry, Jamie drew back slightly and looked toward the doors. Beth handled the baby best, knowing how to take care of the small thing and stop her from crying.

She couldn't hear the rest of the group talking and figured that only meant that Rick was trying to come to a decision. The baby steadily got louder as she squirmed on Jamie's legs, small, fisted hands coming up to her face as her cheeks began to redden. Quickly and carefully lifting her into her arms, Jamie rose from the stairs to begin gently rocking the baby, making soft hushing sounds in hopes of quieting her. She didn't know what she wanted, why she was crying. She wasn't a mother, she had no clue what she'd done.

Wincing at the thought of interrupting them, Jamie made her way for the doors to retrieve Beth before the 'Lil' Ass-Kicker' got really loud. Beth had already turned and started towards her when she reached the doors, her arms out to accept the baby into them. She was the perfect mother, and knew exactly what to do when the baby cried.

However, even as Beth rocked and gently swayed her, the baby continued to cry steadily louder.

"Why're you here?"

Looking up when Rick spoke, Jamie frowned as he marched over toward her and Beth, without actually looking at either of them. At first, she thought maybe he was talking to her, wanting to know why she had come and interrupted them with the crying infant—but he was looking up, toward the railings where the guards would have stood to watch over the prisoners.

"What do you…what do you want from me?" he asked, staring up. Jamie followed his line of sight, but saw nothing. Glancing at the others, they wore similar expressions of confusion and worry of their faces. Rick didn't…he didn't sound right. He sounded like he was slurring his words, like there was something wrong with his perceptions.

"Dad?" Carl called hesitantly, turning to face his father.

"Why are you—no…" Rick struggled on what he was trying to say, whatever he was seeing. Looking up, before turning down to the floor, backing away after approaching. Jamie looked up again, but there was nothing there. Nothing in the window, nothing on the catwalk.

"Rick?" she started carefully, her voice still rough from her earlier episode, making her voice thick and scratched. Reaching for him slowly, Jamie moved away from Beth and the baby toward the clearly struggling father. "Rick-"

"I can't help you!" he shouted suddenly, turning away from Jamie sharply. "Get out!" he shouted, facing the newcomers. Jamie was pretty sure, however, that he wasn't actually talking to them. Jumping forward, she tried to catch his arm but Rick was moving, pacing erratically. He couldn't seem to stand in one place. Looking up at the catwalk again, he repeated himself, his voice rising higher, "Get out!"

Finally catching his arm, Jamie tried to get him to look at her, but he was focused solely on the area in front of the barred window. "Rick, there is nothing there," she tried to urge, grabbing at his shoulders to force him to look at her. Behind them, Tyreece seemed unsettled at the man's reaction and had lifting his hands to seem defenceless. But it wasn't him, Jamie knew that, even though he seemed to think that it was their presence that had set Rick off.

Rick pulled himself from Jamie's hold, pacing sharply again as he wiped at his face, rubbing sweat on his sleeve. His breathing was becoming erratic, worrying the surrounding group that knew him.

Glancing over to Hershel, desperate for the man to offer her some kind of advice, he seemed just as started as she was.

Catching a hold of him again, this time making sure that he wouldn't pull from her hold, Jamie forced him to face her. He bowed his head, closed his eyes, trying to hide something from behind seen. He was trying not to see something, something that only he could see. "Rick, what is it? What do you see?" she tried to ask calmly, but her voice shook with her uncertainty.

"No," he mumbled, shaking his head sharply. "No, no, no, no." Rick grabbed at Jamie's wrists, her hands fisted in his shirt, as he continued to chant and mumble under his breath. "She's got to leave, she's already gone."

"Rick," she whispered, leaning to try and get into his line of sight when he was looking at the floor between them. She gasped suddenly when the hands around her wrists tightened painfully, grinding her bones together and causing her to jerk in pain, releasing his shirt. "Rick!"

"You don't belong here!" he shouted, shaking Jamie as he yelled. Her eyes widened, her face showing her startled fear at Ricks violent reaction. "Get out!" With a harsh pressure as he released her wrists, Jamie was pushed back and away from his person. The action surprised her stiff body enough that she fumbled backward, too fast to be caught, and hit the cement ground hard. A scream tore from her lips, though, when her arm, flung out to try and catch her balance, slammed on the edge of the table beside where she and Rick were standing. Directly on the slice that Merle had caused.

The wound reopened and throbbed in agony, pulsing in pain as Jamie hissed through her teeth, wanting to scream again but pushing the urge down. Maggie and Carol both rushed over to her, trying to help her up, but she had curled in on herself, lying on her side, with her arm tight to her middle.

"Get out! Get out!" Rick was shouting, screaming, his gun now drawn as he faced the newcomers once more. Glenn, when he couldn't stop Rick, ushered them out to the door that led to the courtyard, truly worried for what might be wrong with Rick and that he might actually shoot one of them.

"There's no one there!" Jamie screamed at Rick from her place on the ground, blood staining her fingers as she clutched her blazing arm. She felt like the wound was fresh again, only worse. To have slammed it against the table edge made it feel like someone had taken another knife and fished around inside the open wound. "There is no one there!"

With the others gone, Rick fell oddly silent. He tried to look back at the catwalk again, but the movement was halting, like a flinch. Glancing down at Jamie on the ground, Rick seemed to be seeing her against the first time, as though she hadn't truly been there. Looking as though he wanted to speak, Rick reached for her with one hand and a stuttering step, but stopped himself. Crowded between Maggie and Carol, she looked small and broken on the floor.

He had made her start crying again.

"Jay..." he mumbled, using the name that she had first given him when they met. "Jay, I-"

Jamie actually shuffled backward, her feet pushing on the cold ground to carry her in the opposite direction. When she was far enough back, away from Maggie and Carol, she rose quickly and made for the cellblock without looking back, her arm still bleeding. Beth and Carl followed after her, leaving only the adults standing in the anteroom of the block they slept in.

"Jamie," Beth called after the blonde woman as she stumbled her way up the stairs, rushing for the mattresses that she and Daryl had slept on at the top. There was also a table there now, a place where Beth was able to take care of the baby. Cradling her arm to her chest, Jamie was trying to regulate her breathing as the pain and returned tears made her breath quick and shallow.

Beth handed the baby over to Carl, who had no qualms against holding the precious child tenderly. Beth sat down on the edge of Jamie and Daryl's bed, reaching out to place a hand on the woman's arm. "You should let daddy take a look at your arm," she starting, deciding against mention Daryl or Rick. It was apparent that losing Daryl had made Jamie more vulnerable to everything, especially if something was coming from Rick, the first person—aside from Daryl—that she had met in their group.

Hershel was able to persuade Beth to leave Jamie on her own, knowing that the upset woman had been pushed past her limit already. She just wanted to be left by herself for a while. As quiet and small as she made herself, it would have been easy to forget that she was there if it wasn't for the people of the group constantly coming to check on her. Whenever Beth had to check on the baby she would stop by the make sure that Jamie was still there, her eyes closed, before moving on. Carol did the same, while Hershel would check on her from the stairs.

Unable to fall asleep, Jamie just laid there in the darkness of night as she stared forward at the shadows created from the moonlight through the windows. She was lying on the half of their bed that Daryl had occupied while he was there, the faint smell of him still lingering in the folded blanket that he had used as a pillow, soft and worn on her cheek. She was just torturing herself at the point, leaving her longing for the real thing.

The blanket held that same smell that she had noticed that morning, a blend of earthy, moist dirt and leaves; the smell of the forest.

It was at least a couple of hours after Rick had broken down in the anteroom that Jamie felt the mattress dip behind her before a heavy hand came down on her upper arm, warm against her skin. She knew that it was Rick, even though he was silent and she couldn't see him. It was the action itself that made her realize that it couldn't be anyone else—the gesture wasn't there for only comfort, as everyone else's were, but instead for apology as well.

Shifting her body, Jamie turned onto her back enough to grasp Rick's shirtsleeve and tug, bringing him to lie down on the mattress with her. It was easy to forget in her own grief that Rick had lost Daryl as well, a friend and a brother, choosing to leave him behind. Fully rolling onto her side, facing Rick, she reached forward to take his hand with her good arm and held it loosely as she stared at his shadowed face sadly.

Rick's other hand lifted to rest on her unmarred cheek, warm and calloused as he caressed his thumb along the skin that had once been moist with tears. Staring at her darkened form, Rick couldn't help but to picture her on the floor, tears once more falling from her eyes. Daryl had made him promise before he left that he would take care of her, promised that she'd be safe while he was gone. And he had hurt her. Made her scream. Made her cry.

With someone there with her once more, Jamie found it becoming harder to stay awake with every second that ticked by. No matter how tired she was, or how close she was to sleep, though, she knew that it wasn't Daryl that was lying there with her. Still, as she was moment from sleep the woman couldn't help but to enclose on the warmth, wrapping her arms around Rick and drawing herself in on him.

And he took her in, pulled her close and held her in Daryl's place. He would make sure that he didn't break that promise again. He wouldn't be like Merle, like Daryl's real brother. Even if she had lost Daryl, Rick refused to have her lose him as well. When they couldn't go to their significant others, they would always be able to reach for each other.

Feeling Jamie's body relax as she finally fell asleep, just as it had been the first night in the prison as she cried in his lap, Rick stayed with her and gently carded his fingers through her hair to draw out the knots that had built up in it.

He'd never admit it aloud, but he was also there, holding her so tightly, for selfish reasons.

Lori. He had seen his dead wife, standing above the group just as he decided that the four new comers could stay with them. And she had looked down at him, so dark even though she wore a dress of pure white. He had forgotten how beautiful his wife was, blinded by his mistrust after she had given herself to Shane.

To have Jamie there was a reminder that he wasn't going crazy, that he was in the real world. He had let himself step back into the room in the tombs, when he had heard the phone ringing and the voices of those long dead speaking back to him. Causing Jamie pain should have woken him up, should have brought him back. He swore to himself that he would never do that again—just push Jamie away when she was doing all she could to help him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair, knowing that she would hate to hear those words if she was awake. Sometimes, words were truly empty in comparison to the weight of a person's actions. For him to lie there with her, hold her and do all he could to convey his guilt for his actions, she would respect that much more.

That was how Carol and Beth found them later that night, bordering on sunrise. Curled together on the mattress at the top of the stairs, both still fully dressed in their clothes from that day, they appeared to have finally relaxed. Both going through their share of pain, they had been too tense, too pained, since returning to the prison.

They deserved a reprieve.

Kneeling down silently next to Jamie, Carol carefully manoeuvred the blanket that Jamie was partially laying on to drape over the two of them. So deep into their exhaustion, neither noticed the change and continued to slumber silently.

It's always interesting to hear what people think about how I write things, like Daryl having Jamie stay behind. Wow, a lot of you want Jamie to borderline murder Daryl. That reunion's gunna be fun to write! I've been sick in bed the past two days, so instead of sleeping and getting better, of course I've been writing chapters! XP

Chapter 15 – A Call to War

"We'll get through it, Jamie. And…I think that Daryl's gunna come back. I mean, we're his family and he'd never just leave like that."

Giving a sad smile, Jamie took Carl hand in hers, squeezing it tightly before she gave it a soft pat. "I hope you're right, little man."

Sharing one last smile with Carl, Jamie closed her eyes and took a deep breath of the warm air, feeling the wind brush her hair away from her neck and cool the heated skin. It was a hot day out, and running all over the yard because of Glenn's new drill sergeant attitude was not helping at all. "You go on up, check what the others are up to."

Looking out over the field, Jamie's attentions were caught on the fact that Hershel was out in the yard, hobbling his way over the uneven terrain to try and get back to the main courtyard. "Alright, I'll see you there," Carl agreed, seeing what had caught her attention. Jamie left the gravel path in favor of the long grass, making her way over to Hershel as her foot caused her to give a faint limp before she forced the pain aside.

"What are you doin' out here?" she asked calmly as soon as she had reached a couple feet away from the white haired man.

"Talking to Rick," he answered, but he sounded weary. "He just needs time. I think that everything that's been happening has sat in his head for too long," he explained as Jamie joined him at his side, walking with him in case he tripped or tipped.