Chapter 13- Exposure

… The feeling of the breeze brushing over my skin reminded me I was alive, and for a moment, free. Every time I stepped away from the house on my own, it was both exhilarating and terrifying, and this day was no different.

I hurried my steps as I made my way across the open park. My hip protested against the fast pace, but I pushed the ache aside, the desire to reach the security of the buildings taking precedence.

The openness of the park unnerved me. I felt vulnerable, on display. There was nowhere to hide, no place to retreat to safety.

I was nearly to the end of the path when I stumbled; my laces had come untied. I quickly moved to a nearby bench, making fast work of the small task.

The hair on the back of my neck was standing on end. I shivered at the feeling. It was the second time today I had felt something like that.

Brushing my hands off on my jeans, I hastily made my way up the last stretch of the pathway and out of the park.

Relief washed over me as I stepped onto the dirtied concrete of the sidewalk. I took a deep breath and tried to settle my nerves. My hand went instinctively to my wrist, feeling for the bracelet that normally rested there. It had become a part of me, reminding me where I belonged, and its absence was nearly painful. I hoped Riley would have it fixed for me soon.

Thankfully, there were few people out today as I walked. Even though I knew my scars were faint, I was always concerned with someone seeing, judging. I knew I wasn't pretty, but seeing the revulsion in someone's eyes was painful. I wished I was invisible, and as I walked, that's what I tried to be, staying in shadows, arms curled around myself.

I slipped into the library, not to read, but just to look. It was a guilty pleasure I knew I didn't deserve, but I couldn't stop myself from touching the tattered spines of the books, flipping the pages and smelling the stale paper. They reminded me of a time when I was young and naïve, when I didn't know what was waiting in the darkness.

"Is there anything I can help you with, dear?" a voice asked from behind me.

Startled, I fumbled the book I was holding. "No, ma'am," I said, placing the book on the shelf.

I ducked my head and scurried toward the exit. She mumbled something I couldn't quite hear as I slipped through the doorway, but it sounded like an apology, though I couldn't understand why she would be apologizing.

Once I was outside, I leaned back against the brick wall beside the door in an attempt to collect myself. I rubbed my naked wrist again. I needed to be home. I didn't belong out here. I knew my place at home. I knew my role, what was expected. I wanted to be back in that safety.

I pushed off the wall and turned towards home. My body protested as I tried to hurry, but something slowed me, something I couldn't understand. The air felt thick and hard to breathe; the hairs on my neck rose, tickling my skin. My heart began to beat faster, like it knew something I didn't. Panic began to set in, and I hadn't even seen the threat yet.

I glanced around, trying not to draw attention. Then my heart clenched. They stood out against the background of the bland buildings like glowing beacons. Vampires.

I lowered my head and began walking, hoping they didn't see anything that interested them.

'What I wouldn't give for Riley right now,' I thought. 'Please let them not see me.'

My silent prayers went unanswered though, as a voice cracked out through the air. "Bella!"

I froze. The two figures were standing across the street from me, watching me expectantly.

I studied them for a second before looking away and continuing on. They were hard to see well from the distance, but one was slightly taller and had brown hair, while the other looked warier, his blond hair hanging haphazardly around his face.

I began walking again though I knew it was a useless gesture. If they wanted me, there was nothing to stop them.

I was afraid to look back, afraid I would see them following. It wasn't a minute into my retreat when I heard footsteps behind me. My heart lost its rhythm in panic, fluttering in my chest.

I wanted to cry, to scream, to sob. I wanted to run and hide, but I couldn't. There was nowhere to go. Suddenly, the brown haired one was in front of me, blocking my path. The terror of what was about to happen overtook me. I was going to die. Death didn't make me afraid, but it happening at the hands of strangers did.

My breaths were coming in short gasps. I chanced a look at the vampire blocking my path, and then I saw what I had feared the most. What Victoria had warned me of, yellow eyes.

I would be lucky if they killed me. Their true nature was something that I knew too well. I had learned how dangerous they were until that night when Riley and Victoria pulled one from me.

"It's okay, look at me. It's Edward," he said, blocking my path with his arms.

I knew that name, I remembered it. I looked up at him again, and it all fell into place. He was here. He was real, and he had come to take me back.

Victoria had told me someday he might try, and if he did, not to trust him. I needed to get away. I needed my family.

My vision began to blur from my frantic breathing. I couldn't get enough air.

"Bella, stop, calm down." He touched my arm, and it was enough to break my lungs free from their frantic search for oxygen. Drawing in a lungful of the heavy air, I released a scream, putting everything I had behind it, praying, wishing, someone would hear me.

As my scream trailed to an end, my body grew heavy and my eyes began to close. A calm darkness surrounded me, and for a moment, I felt at peace …

Jasper POV

Carlisle's words reverberated through my being as I paced the tree line outside.

Kidneys are failing … liver isn't far behind.

It was one thing knowing she was ill, it was another to hear that she was so close to death.

Death. I shuddered involuntarily at the thought.

I couldn't let that happen. Unlike Edward, I couldn't walk away and let her go. Maybe that made me selfish. Maybe it made me a monster, but I didn't care. The thought of her drawing her last breath and becoming a lifeless corpse made me the closest to physically ill I have ever felt as a vampire. It pained me to imagine.

Straightening my posture, I acknowledged the decision I knew part of me had already made. Now it was simply a matter of timing.

The soft sounds of rustling leaves caught my attention, and I looked over my shoulder. Peter stood watching with his head tilted to the side in contemplation. Our eyes met for a moment, and after careful study, he seemed to find what he needed. He knew me better than most, better than any, really, sometimes even myself.

He nodded and motioned for me accompany him as he turned to walk into the darkness of the forest. I didn't hesitate to follow. I knew what he was offering. It didn't need to be said. My body was vibrating with emotion and the need to act. He was going to give me a way to do just that.

The air was cooler beneath the dense canopy of trees. As I approached the spot where Peter was standing, shadowed by the forest, my body reacted with practiced ease. This was something we had done many times. He had challenged me like this in the past, attempting to bring me back from the edge, the edge I was so close to falling from now.

I could feel no emotions from him as we began circling each other, and it was perfect, a welcomed relief from the heavy burden placed on me back at the house. With enough concentration, Peter had always been able to shield himself from my gift, not completely, but better than most.

With a nearly imperceptible nod from Peter, the match began. We tore at each other, neither holding back. I think Peter needed this release as much as I did. I was sure the sounds of breaking trees could be easily heard, but thankfully, no one came. Maybe Peter had warned the others what he was planning. I would have to thank him later.

With every movement, every pained tear of flesh, I let go of the burden I carried a little more. And then, as suddenly as it began, it stopped. My body grew weak, and the pain I had been feeling consumed me. I knelt on the torn ground, fingers digging into earth, and sobs breaking from my chest.

Soothing sounds filled my ears as a hand rubbed circles against my back. I tensed at the sensation. I didn't want to be weak.

"Easy, brother," he whispered.

It did nothing to stop the pain, though. I curled into myself and let the warm feelings he was now projecting wrap around me.

I drew an unsteady breath and ran my fingers through my hair. "I can't say any of our matches has ever ended like this before."

He chuckled softly. "No, I don't think any have, but you needed this. More than just some new scars, anyway."

Peter extended his hand to me and pulled me to my feet. I did feel marginally better, though, having released some of the darker emotions, but the gnawing pain of Bella's fate was still present.

"You're going to change her," Peter said. It wasn't a question, just a simple statement of fact.

I nodded, letting my eyes fall shut for a moment. "I can't let her die."

"No, you can't." Peter let out a heavy sigh. "You know this may not be a popular decision."

"I know, but it's not theirs to make." I paused, to look at him. "I'm not even sure it should be mine to make."

He didn't say anything. He just searched my face before giving me a tired smile.

"It was never this hard with Alice. It never hurt like this."

"You didn't love her like you do Bella."

His words cut straight through me. He was right, and briefly, I wondered if Alice had known that as well.

We turned back towards the house, and with each step closer, I felt the awaiting family's concern.

"Come on, let's not keep them waiting." Peter shot past me, and I followed, close on his heels.

Please forgive me, Bella.

xXx

Two days had passed since my talk with Peter. Two days that I had spent sitting beside Bella's still form on the bed.

I held her small hand, letting my thumb stroke soothingly across the back of hers. The touch of her skin eased the ache in my chest dramatically. It was like a cooling salve, and I didn't want to let go.

Neither Peter nor I had spoken of my decision to change her, and although the others may have suspected my plan, they had yet to address it; and I was happy to leave it that way for now.

I wasn't sure what I waiting for, why I hadn't changed her yet. I'd had plenty of opportunities, but each time I considered it, I froze.

Every day she seemed to deteriorate, despite Carlisle best efforts to the contrary. She had only woken briefly, just long enough to meet my eyes before slipping back into the darkness. I wasn't feeling anything from her now, and it worried me more than her physical state. She wasn't blocking me like she had been. She simply wasn't feeling. It was like she had given up and was biding time until death claimed her.

The faint beep that had echoed a steady pattern for days began to change its rhythm, drawing me from my thoughts. Her heart that had been beating languidly was now quickening. This had happened before when she stirred the first time, and I knew she was near wakening again.

I moved my hand to her face, gently cupping her cheek. The contact with my cool skin caused a moan to slip past her lips. Her eyes fluttered open, and she turned into my touch.

"Bella," I sighed, my voice no more than a whisper. "Come on, look at me, Angel." I moved so I was leaning over her and continued to stroke a thumb over her cheek as she struggled to bring her gaze to meet mine.

She opened her mouth to speak, but stopped as a dry, harsh cough broke from her chest.

"Shh, easy," I said. "Let me get you some water."

She nodded — or what I assumed was meant as a nod. It was so minute it was hard to tell — and I quickly got her a glass of water and was beside her again in seconds.

I lifted the glass to her lips and let a few drops trickle in. She struggled to assist, but I brushed her hands back down. She didn't argue.

"Thank you, Jasper," she croaked, her voice still hoarse from underuse.

I shook my head and smiled. Her ability to remain polite even when on death's door astounded me. "You're welcome."

"How long has it been?"

"Few days," I answered, squeezing her hand.

"Am I— Will I get better?" There was trepidation in her voice, but I had a feeling it wasn't the fear of death that was concerning her.

I swallowed hard. Her tired eyes made her look so frail, so weary, and so much older than her years let on.

I didn't want to answer the question. Even though I had been waiting for her to wake, I wasn't prepared for it to actually happen.

I wasn't sure how, if, I could hide my intentions from her. Had she only woken to open her eyes, to loll her head to the side lazily before drifting off again without speaking, I could have pretended that eternity is what she wanted.

It felt as though a lead weight was sitting in the pit of my stomach, because I knew she didn't want what I was going to give her. She wasn't fighting to live. She wasn't struggling to take her next breath. She was accepting of the end that now was within in reach.

She looked so empty and tired, and I couldn't bear to look her in the eye. I was going to give her forever, not because she wanted, but because I was too selfish not too.

"Carlisle is doing everything he can to help you," I said.

"That's… that's good of him." Her words were flat and emotionless, though. "Thank him"—she took a stuttering breath—"for trying."

"Rest, Bella," I said, stroking her hair. "You'll need your strength."

The monitor tracking her vitals resumed its slow beeping as she fell back asleep. I wondered if she would forgive me, and then I realized I didn't care. I would rather her alive and hating me than dead and thankful.

One more night, I thought to myself. Let her have one more night to sleep before I take it all away.