Uneasy hearts weigh the most

Chapter thrirteen

(Naruto's POV)

Now that was close. I made a fool of myself in front of the class by spilling black paint all over Ayanami's painting, and she looked like she was going to kill me, but, after I told her she could ruin my painting too and keep my lunch, Ayanami calmed down and accepted my apologies. Also, thank God, she declined and I got to keep my lunch and my painting intact.

Yay me!

I go back to my seat and use the paint I didn't spill on Ayanami´s "piece of art" to color the clothes of the ninja I had drawn. I think it looks totally cool, in spite of what others think. Besides, it's so original; I'm the only one who drew a ninja!

As I do my work, I suddenly remember how Sakura defended me in front of Ayanami. She sounded so bad-ass and cool… Sasuke is such a lucky bastard. But, no, I don't like her anymore. I mean, she's cute and everything, but, you know, when you realize someone will never feel the same way towards you, you kind of give up… eventually. And I already gave up, as the mature, smart man I am.

For serious.

But still, I think I have to thank her for defending me. I look up from my painting and look around the classroom, in search of a pink head. I find her, but then my attention turns to the girl beside her.

Ah, Hinata. I suddenly think of how good I feel when I talk to her. And how perfect she'd be for me. And how she's ten thousand times better than any other girl I've ever met, including Sakura. And how pretty she looks when she blushes. And how soft her lips would feel against mine…

I smile to myself. This is so weird, thinking of her in that way. But… somehow, it doesn't seem so senseless to me. I mean, who wouldn't fantasize of dating a girl like her?

But that isn't the point. I gotta thank Sakura for defending me before, so I drop my paintbrush and stand up.

As I approach them, I see that Hinata is talking energetically to Sakura, and Sakura is just listening attentively. I smile slightly, because it's such a weird sight. Hinata is usually the one who listens to the talkative Sakura, not the other way around. I wonder what she's talking about…

When I'm close enough to hear them, Hinata is saying: "Can't you understand it? Even if I tell him what I really feel, he'll never love me back. NEVER!"

Whoa. Are you serious? Hinata loves someone? And the guy doesn't love her back? He's an idiot. A very lucky idiot – even luckier than Sasuke, and that's saying a lot. Who wouldn't love a girl like her back?

He must be gay.

Sakura glances briefly – I barely notice – at me and then back at Hinata, and her serious, kind of angry expression turns even more serious… and tense. "Hinata…" she says softly.

I open my mouth to say something, to make Hinata notice I'm here too, but she speaks before me and what she says makes my body froze.

"Besides, Naruto was insanely in love with you. If he liked you, he'd never like me. You and I are very different, and that shows I'm definitely not his type."

Okay… what? I remember I cleaned my ears last night, but I should've missed a spot, because I'm totally not hearing right. Hinata couldn't have said what I just heard. She couldn't have said that I… that I'm never going to love her back. She couldn't, could she?

Could she?

"Hinata…" Sakura repeats, after another quick glance at me that Hinata didn't notice, and the warning in her voice is obvious. She wants Hinata to shut up, because I'm right behind her, listening, and she's talking about how much she loves me, something I didn't now – until now.

Oh God, is this really happening?

But Hinata doesn't seem to catch the hint, and she continues with her speech.

"I love Naruto in a way that makes my heart both ache and get excited when I see him. It gets excited because he's the closest to perfection I've ever seen. And it aches because I know we're just friends and he'll never be mine," Hinata says, and all I can think of besides Holy crap, is How is it possible that someone like her feels that way towards someone like me?

I've never even imagined something like this would happen someday, but seems like some impossible things aren't as impossible as I think they are.

"It's so weird, Sakura; but, somehow, I feel like it's completely normal. Maybe… maybe I've just got used to it. That'd be obvious because I've been feeling this way towards him since we were kids."

Since what?

"Hinata…!" Sakura says, and this time the shut-up-immediately warning is so obvious even a baby could've noticed it.

But maybe Hinata is ignoring it on purpose. Maybe she doesn't care anymore if I am or am not behind her, listening to every word she's saying. Maybe she just wants to let it out, just as I used to want to let my feelings for Sakura out.

"And you know what? No matter what you say, or what anyone says, because I won't tell this to him. That'd completely destroy our friendship. Only to have him as a friend is enough for me, and I want it to stay this way."

Well, too late, my friend.

"So, no matter what you tell me, I will never-"

"Hinata!" Sakura exclaims, interrupting her. "Alright, I get it; you'll never tell him this, but… well, that doesn't matter anymore, anyways."

"What do you mean?" Hinata asks, sounding very confused.

"He already knows about all you've said, Hinata," Sakura says tiredly, and she gives me the third quick glance of the day.

Hinata panics. "What? How – how – how do you know it? Oh, my God, who told him?"

"You told him," Sakura says calmly, and this time the glance she gives me is longer, and the worried look on her face seems to say something like, Please be good to her.

Slowly – as if everything was moving in slow motion – Hinata turns her head and looks at me with wide, wild eyes, as if she doesn't want to believe I am here.

But I am. And I listened. And I know it all. And I'm shocked.

"Holy shit," is all I manage to say before I turn around and run away, exactly as the bell rings.

The rest of the day was a crap. I was in shock for almost four hours. I moved and spoke and breathed like a robot. The only thing I could do was thinking – thinking, thinking and thinking, and only about Hinata. My thoughts were something like this:

Hinata. Oh, Hinata... She is in love with me. She's always been. And I never realized. And I'm the idiot who will never love her back. And I called myself gay! And… and I ran away from her. Why did I run away from her? But, hey, what else could I've done? What else could I've said?

And then I sort of kept repeating that in my head for fifty or sixty more times.

The only thing question I wasn't allowed to ask myself was: What do I feel? Because… well, that question is evil and it makes me really confused. I don't know if I love her, but I do like her a lot. I like her very, very much, probably as something more than a friend... Yeah, definitely as something more than a friend. Because you don't fantasize about kissing someone who is just a friend for you, do you?

Okay, I do like her. A lot. And, eventually, I could love her, right?

Right. So now what? Find her and tell her I kind of feel the same way towards her? That sounds like the best thing I could do. But… but I can't do that, because I can't face her, because I'm a coward – a very lucky and idiotic coward.

I think I hate myself.

Sasuke thinks I hate myself too. When I told him during the lunch about everything that happened with Hinata, he asked me to describe in one sentence what I feel. I said, "I feel that I'm an idiot who doesn't deserve her."

He got to the conclusion that I have a low self-esteem.

"Thanks for the piece of information, doctor," I told him sarcastically, and then turned around to walk away.

"Naruto, wait," Sasuke said behind me, and I stopped and turned around.

"What? The session wasn't for free?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Knock that off, moron. I wasn't finished with my conclusion."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "I'm listening."

"You've a low self-esteem because you just realized how stupid you really are."

I laughed. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious. You're a stupid, Naruto. And I don't mean stupid in the doesn't-know-what's-two-plus-two way. I mean stupid in the can't-see-what's-right-in-front-of-him way."

"I can see what's in front of me!" I replied defensively. "Right now, for example, there's a very arrogant bastard."

"Oh, really?" He raised an eyebrow. "Then why couldn't you notice what everyone else noticed: that Hinata has always been head over heels for you?"

I frowned. "Everyone else knew it?"

"Well, not exactly. I only knew it because, you know, I'm very smart." He smirked, but his joke didn't seem funny to me at that moment. "And Sakura noticed, too," he continued. "She's very smart too, but she just suspected it at first. She only realized it was true until Hinata told her."

"And what about the other people?" I asked.

Sasuke shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe some did, maybe some didn't. It depends on how observant they are. But my point is, that you finally realized that you were too dumb to notice how she felt towards you, and now that you know it, you feel like shit."

He couldn't have described it better.

"Then what do I do, doctor?" I asked, sincerely curious. Maybe he was right; maybe I'm too distracted with other less important things to notice what's right in front of me. For example, I've never realized before, but Sasuke is a good psychoanalyst.

Sasuke sighed, as if I had asked the most stupid question in the world. "Isn't it obvious? Talk to her. Tell her what you feel. Fix things up, dude."

It was a good advice: logic, simple and straight. It was also easy to say, but harder to do, because, as I said before, I'm a coward and I don't have the guts to face her, and if I can't even face her, how am I supposed to "fix things up"?

God, my life is such a big, smelly crap.

The next day in the morning, I wait for Hinata at the entrance of the school. I actually woke up early – as early as I have ever woken up, I think – because I really need to talk to her as soon as I see her.

I didn't plan to do things this way. I made my plan last night, at midnight, when I couldn't sleep, as I rolled on my bed trying to just fall asleep and stop thinking about Hinata. I thought and thought, and then the answer finally hit me: I just had to do it. I know, it sounds stupid, but that's the perfect answer. If I care so much about her, if I like her so much, then what am I waiting for? I just have to ask her if I can talk to her and tell her everything I've thinking of.

DUH!

So, yeah, here I am, waiting for the girl I plan to confess to. Students are passing by, completely ignoring the nervous-looking blond dude standing awkwardly beside the entrance. I watch them, searching for a pretty girl with dark-blue hair and pale eyes among them. My heart is beating furiously against my chest, and the blood running through my veins feels like fire. I bet my face is as red as a freaking tomato, too.

But when I finally spot the person I want to talk to, instead of feeling like fire, my blood feels like ice, and my heart freezes for three seconds before continuing fluttering.

Okay, it's now or never. I can do this. I totally can do this. It's going to be alright…

She sees me. And, oh, God, I swear my soul has dropped to my feet. She looks as if she's seen a freaking ghost. Am I a ghost to her? Do I scare her? Do I make her heart ache?

But that holy-shit-is-that-really-there expression drastically disappears, and now she looks calmed and cold and indifferent. Finally, she looks away and continues walking as if nothing have happened – as if she hasn't just seen the guy she's in love with.

Hinata walks past me as if I'm freaking invisible and all I can think is: What the hell?

That day during lunch, I tell Sasuke about Hinata ignoring me and ask him what he thinks. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but he has kind of become my personal psychologist. But hey, if Hinata is in love with me, then anything is possible, right?

"Well, what did you want, idiot?" Sasuke says. "Did you expect her to run into your arms as soon as she saw you? Men are the ones supposed to convince and woo women, not the other way around. You have to actually talk to her and ask her – beg her, even – to listen to what you have to say."

"Yeah, but… but she won't even look at me, dude," I reply. "I mean, she is ignoring me in the I-don't-want-to-look-at-your-ugly-face way! As if – as if she hates me! Sasuke, do you think she hates me? I don't want her to hate me, I really don't…!"

"Stop being a baby," Sasuke says, rolling his eyes. "You just need to talk to her. At least try it, okay? Maybe she's waiting for you to take the initiative."

"You really think so?" I ask hopefully.

"It's just a probability, moron. I'm not a freaking fortune-teller."

Suddenly, Sasuke looks at something behind me, and that stupid, dreamy expression he has when he sees Sakura appears on his face. I turn around and, of course, Sakura is there, walking towards us with a bright smile on her face.

She kisses Sasuke on the cheek and offers me a sad smile. "Hey," she says.

"Hey," I reply, smiling sadly, too.

"How are you?"

I shrug. "I've been better."

Sakura sighs. "You haven't talk to her?" she asks softly.

I shake my head. And suddenly, an idea pops into my mind and I ask, "Has she said something about me to you?"

"No," Sakura says. "Actually, she's been acting as if what happened yesterday had never happened."

So she noticed too, huh?

I nod. "Yeah, I noticed that. She's been ignoring me. Like, she doesn't even look at me. And she looks so cold and calmed… so out of character. And I want to talk to her, but I don't know if she'll want to listen to me. Sasuke says I just have to try it, and that maybe she's just waiting for me to take the initiative."

"It's a good advice," she smiles at Sasuke and the turns to me, "but maybe she doesn't want to talk to you yet. Maybe you should give her some more time."

"How much time are we talking about?" I ask.

Sakura shrugs. "Only a week or two. Not too much."

Only a week or two? That's too long!

"Or you can just take the risk," Sasuke says.

"But it depends on how much you care about her," Sakura adds.

"How much do you care about her, Naruto?" Sasuke asks.

"Do you… love her?" Sakura asks.

"God, you guys sound like my conscience!" I exclaim, but I think about what they asked, staring at my feet.

Well, maybe I do love Hinata. Maybe I've always love her, but in the best-friend-ever way, I guess. She's a great friend and a good listener. I can trust her no matter what and she accepts me for who I am. She's always there for me. But I kind of broke her heart, and I don't want to let things stay like this. I want my Hinata back.

"I want to fix everything up," I finally say, "as soon as possible."

Sakura smiles at me. "Then you should take the risk," she says, and I can't believe how right she actually is.

When school's over, I wait for Hinata to exit the school. I stand there, in the same spot I was standing in the morning, but this time I'm not nervous. I actually feel pretty confident, which is awesome, because I feel confident maybe things will work out.

Students exit the school, and I watch them, waiting anxiously to see Hinata. Other female dark-blue heads distract me now and then, but I don't need more than two seconds to realize if she's or is not my Hinata, so I don't get too distracted.

Finally, I see her. She doesn't see me; she's too distracted talking cheerfully to another girl. She's smiling, and it makes something inside of me go very, very warm, and I feel like smiling too. She smiles in such a beautiful way; he pale eyes sparkle like stars and she gets a faint blush on her cheeks.

I swallow, trying not to get distracted. I've to focus. So I start heading towards her, repeating in my mind everything I've practiced to say to her. I get closer, and closer, and closer, and when I'm finally close enough to pat her shoulder, I take a deep breath and open my mouth to speak.

"Hinata," I say, and I see how her shoulders tense and her body freezes. The girl she's talking to looks at me, and then at Hinata, confused.

Hinata turns her head and looks at me over her shoulder. Her expression is unreadable and her lips are pressed together so tightly that they're turning white. She calmly looks into my eyes, and then she turns to the girl she had been talking to.

"Hey, I got to go," she tells her. "I'll see you tomorrow."

The girl nods and smiles uneasily, as if she's noticed the awkwardness between me and Hinata, and then says goodbye and walks away. When she's out of sight, Hinata suddenly sighs deeply and turns to face me. She looks tired, and confused, and also embarrassed.

"What do you want, Naruto?" she asks lowly. "Did you finally think of something else to say besides "holy shit"?"

I swallow. "I think so." I pause. "But, first of all, promise me you're going to listen to me."

She looks puzzled for a moment. "Of course I'm going to listen to you. Why wouldn't i?"

I shrug. "You've been ignoring me the whole day. I thought you wouldn't want to talk to me. That you hated me."

"I don't hate you," she says, shaking her head. "I can't hate you. Besides, it wouldn't be okay to hate you just because you don't love me back. And I haven't been ignoring you. You've been ignoring me. I just didn't talk to you because… well, what could I say?"

"It was actually the same with me, I just didn't know what to say to you," I say, and then we stay quiet for a moment, in which we don't look away from each other's eyes. I probably look calm, but inside I'm panicking. I've forgotten everything I had planned to say!

Luckily, she speaks first. "Listen, if you're going to ask me to don't stop being your friend even though I love you and you don't love me, I have to tell you that it won't work out. I've seen cases like this before; one is in love, the other is not, and they try to stay friends, but it never works out. It's like hiding my feelings for you and doing as if nothing ever happened, and I just can't do that."

"But I do love you," I say softly.

She didn't seem to hear me. "Besides, what am I going to do when you tell me about your new girlfriend or something? It's going to hurt me, but I'll have to hide it because-"

"But I do love you!" I exclaim, and I notice some heads turned to us at this, but I ignore them.

Hinata's eyes widen and she freezes. I grab her warm hands and take a step closer. "I love you too," I say, this time quietly, just for her to hear it.

I start to lean forward. Yes, I'm going to kiss her. Yes, I feel like I'm on top of the world. Yes, I'm nervous as hell.

But the kiss never happens. Hinata suddenly steps back and pulls her hands off my hold. I look at her, confused, and she looks… horrified. Are my kisses that much of unwanted? I wonder, kind of hurt. I open my mouth to ask what's wrong, but Hinata suddenly turns around and runs away.

I think she's doing this as a pay back. I did the same when I heard she loved me, too. So I think I actually deserve this. But I start follow her, anyways. I run behind her, as if I'm chasing after her, yelling her name, hoping she would stop and talk to me.

But she keeps running, as if she wants to escape from me. She makes her way among the crowd of students hanging around in front of the school's entrance. She keeps running when she crosses the street – the hugest mistake she could've ever done, I realize a second later.

Because a driver wasn't careful enough to slow down and the red car doesn't brake soon enough and Hinata freezes instead of running faster when she realizes the car is coming towards her and I know I'm not going to make it if I try to save her.

My sight gets blurry and I want to scream her name but I can't because my throat is too dry. I know she's gonna get hit and I don't want to see this.

So I just close my eyes and hope this is just a very, very ugly nightmare.

Your bitch is dead she was hit by a truck. What the fuck!

Notes: Stupid document manager turned evil and didn't let me put this the way I wanted D: And - WOW, what a long chapter. :3 ANYWHOOOOO... got any comments for me? :)