A/N : First of all, welcome to all new followers of this story. And thanks to all who have left a review, I'm really, really grateful for all the feedback.

And - WOW - I somehow managed to reach more than 100 followers. I am bit speechless about this, I have to admit. I began writing this story quite a while ago just for me, to see if I was able to write anything at all. I posted this and would have been happy if only 20 people had liked my little story. So I am bit overwhelmed and very happy about this development. Now, enough rambling.. onwards with the story..

Thanks as always - to my wonderful beta Christine.

14. Reality

"I agree, Minerva. She should definitely be away from Hogwarts for this," Severus said with a hint of distress in his voice.
"Gods, Severus, you can't imagine how guilty I feel for not realising the seriousness of her situation earlier," Minerva answered with a deep sigh. She took another sip of the delicious tea Severus had served. The landscape outside Severus' window was bathed in the golden glow of a spring-time sunset. The sight was entirely too beautiful for the gravity of the situation. She was seriously worried that Hermione might harm herself.

Minerva straightened her back. "How can we convince her to come here, Severus? I am sure she will not simply agree if I ask her. Shouldn't Harry be the one to talk to her?"

Severus had thought very carefully about this as soon as he had learnt about the state Hermione was in.

"No, keep Harry out of this. He has enough on his plate already. Go to her with some false-pretences and give her a disguised portkey that will take her directly to me. I will handle everything else from there." Minerva looked quite taken aback by his suggestion.

"Are you sure this is the right approach for this? This could change her state for the worse," she answered, worry heavy in her voice.
Of course I am not sure. I still feel so much out of my depth that I might jump out of my skin any moment now. But he wouldn't heighten Minerva's concern for Hermione any more than necessary. "I know this sounds a bit drastic, but the shock will hopefully pull her out of her shell. I think it is the only way." His voice sounded much surer than he felt but he still had it in him to convince people, as he saw Minerva nodding silently. Perhaps this will work with Hermione, too. If I can only find the right words. Minerva helped herself to a second scone. "How long will she have to stay with you?"

"As long as she needs to. It might be a couple of hours or a couple of days. I have no idea how to tell Kingsley that I will not be available the next few days. He will assume I have gone soft after all." Severus said with a sigh. "I will write to him this evening."

Minerva patted his hand motherly. "He will understand, I am quite sure of that. There is no immediate threat out there that you need to take care of right now. Perhaps I should write to him as I see Hermione currently as my responsibility, although she is of age," Minerva suggested. Severus had of course informed her about the activities he had spoken about with Kingsley.
"I would really appreciate that, Minerva. Thank you."

"You're very welcome, Severus. I'm sure he'll understand. You know, when I came here today I hoped you would offer your help but I would never have asked for it. You have done enough already. But you seem to know Hermione quite well by now and I really wanted to have your opinion in the matter." And you behaved exactly like I hoped, Severus. I know you like her and she's an important friend to you.

"So, Severus, when do you think we should arrange her arrival here?" Minerva asked with a much lighter tone in her voice now.

"Tomorrow." Severus' tone was serious.

"Already? I mean, are you prepared for this?"

"As prepared as one can be for this. I owe her, Minerva. I owe her my life. She has to get back hers, too."

It was a Hogsmeade weekend. Hermione had decided to stay in the castle. Not that anyone had asked her to come. She was aware that Harry had twice nearly worked up the courage to ask her to join Ginny and him but her look had ever been so icy that he always had backed down in the very last moment. Poor Harry. He still looks so sad. That this look might have had to do with her behaviour didn't occur to her. She had cut him entirely off, as much as anyone else. When Minerva had visited Harry on Friday and had asked questions about her loss of Ron and her state of mind she had clearly heard the worry in the older woman's voice. Oh yes, she had listened to the conversation through her closed bedroom door.

As far as she was concerned, life was pretty much over for her. Her boyfriend was dead, her parents were unaware that she even existed, the Weasleys had enough problems with the loss of two of their sons in only one year. And Harry – he had Ginny – and they took care of each other. Which she thought was a good thing for both of them. Which left her alone.

She would finish school somehow and then move into her parents house and perhaps sell it for something smaller. Further plans like planning her career or applying for uni she was not able to do yet. She couldn't think about a single thing that she still enjoyed doing. Reading was only a means for spending too much time. The schoolwork wasn't very demanding for her and Hermione felt both bored and sad and tired of her life.

She could hear the students returning from Hogsmeade outside her chambers. Full of joy and laughter and happiness. She hated the sound they made and placed a silencing spell around her bedroom. She pulled the blanket over her head and closed her eyes to shut out the world outside.

Severus was pacing his living room. Hermione would arrive within the next hour and she would be furious –he hoped. If she was still able to show any emotion at all.

Just as she was relaxed enough to fall asleep, there was a sharp knock on the door. She decided not to answer. Who should want something from her, anyway?

After a couple of moments, the knocking became more insistent. "Miss Granger… Hermione, open the door this instant," she heard Minerva stern voice through her door. The student that was still buried inside her reacted to the demanding tone in the Headmistress' voice and Hermione slowly got up and opened the door. "What is it, Headmistress?" she asked tiredly.

Silently, Minerva was shocked how sad and unhealthy Hermione looked. But she wouldn't let her see her concern. "Hermione, please get dressed and see me in my office in fifteen minutes," she continued in her sternest teacher voice. "Why? Can't we talk whatever there is to talk about in here," Hermione asked as if the very thought of getting dressed seemed to annoy her. "You will learn that when we meet in my office. Be on time." With that, the Headmistress turned away from her door and left through their chambers.

Hermione seriously thought about not going. The tone the Headmistress had used had definitely not been to her liking. But she will not leave me alone if I'm not going. So she gave in and went into her bathroom to get dressed.

Exactly fifteen minutes later, Hermione stood before the Gargoyle that led into the Headmistress' office. She still wondered what the Headmistress wanted from her. Had something happened with Ron's murderers? Were there more threats lingering outside of Hogwarts? Not that it really mattered to her anymore, nothing would bring back her Ron anyway.

With silent footsteps she entered the Headmistress' office. Minerva sat behind her large desk, tea and two large mugs waited in front of her. "Hermione, good that you made it," she smiled gently at her. "Take a seat." Hermione couldn't help but feel confused at the change of the tone in Minerva's voice. First she practically ordered her here and now she was all friendly and nice? She certainly felt suspicious now and some of her alerts she would have believed forever lost went off. What does she really want?
Minerva could see that some life had returned into Hermione's eyes and felt quite pleased with her plan. Hermione would be furious as soon as she would arrive in Severus' living room. "Have some tea with me, my dear," she addressed her again. Silently, Hermione obeyed and poured herself some tea in her large mug. Then she reached for the sugar. The last thing she saw was Minerva's smile, then she felt a very unwelcome but familiar tug behind her navel and was portkeyed away. This can't be happening! I am abducted while I am having tea with Minerva at Hogwarts! The journey was fast and over in an instant and she found herself standing in – Severus's living room. What the…her thought was stopped by Severus entering the living door through the door that led to his library.

Severus had to carefully hide the shock he felt at the sight of Hermione. How could Minerva had not seen the seriousness of her state earlier? She looked like skin and bones, unhealthy – and furious. The first part of their plan had worked. At least, she still felt something. Before he could open his mouth to say something, Hermione began to yell at him. "What is the meaning of this? You've planned this with Minerva, haven't you? Let me return to Hogwarts this instant!"

Severus let her rant and kept silent – he was curious to learn what went on inside her mind.

"Damn, you blocked your own house for apparition, who do you think you are? Am I some kind of prisoner? What do you want from me? …Just - leave me alone." Her voice already sounded hoarse and exhausted. She breathed heavily and tried to stare him down now.

Severus let her calm down a couple of moments. "Are you quite finished?" he asked her quietly. When she didn't answer he went over to his couch and sat down. "Sit down, Hermione, and I will explain," he asked her and pointed to the couch opposite of him.

"You have five minutes, then I will leave," she agreed stubbornly. The fire he had seen in her eyes only moments ago already seemed to die down again.

"Hermione, you saved my life nearly a year ago. I owe you my life and the least I can do is help you through the difficult situation you are in." He saw her forming a reply already. "No, wait until I'm finished and let me explain." Gods, this is much harder than I expected. "You may think your life is over without Ron. That there's no sense in going on without him. It's been three and a half months now and it's only getting worse for you. You think there's no meaning in your life any more. Your friends have turned away from you and so have you from them. You hide in your room and only leave it for lessons. You have muted down all feelings and emotions, haven't you?" She showed no reaction. He continued. "Why do I know all this? Because I have gone through the very same thing."

Still, no obvious reaction from Hermione. Was she listening at all? "So I really need to spell it out for you? It seems your intellect has suffered as well in the last few months," he now sneered at her.

What the hell was Severus' thinking? Talking to me like that like I have become suddenly stupid. And how can he ever assume he went through the same hell like I do. She only wanted to get away from him. She had to carefully hide the turmoil of the emotions that suddenly welled up in her and decided to stay silent and hear what Severus would give her as an explanation.

"Twenty years ago," Severus now continued in a much gentler tone, "the love of my life died. You've known me since seven years now. Have I been a good and nice person in your eyes? Was I kind or gentle? Did I appear human to you? Have I ever even tried to be nice to you just once when no other people were there to witness my behaviour? No – to every single question.
This is what happens to people who don't overcome their grief and think their life is over at the age of twenty. You get bitter, sad and thoroughly dissatisfied in life. You don't have friends to turn to. Do you want to become this kind of a person, too, Hermione? Do you?"

He stopped speaking and let his words sink in. I hope they were enough. I have bared my very soul to her – again.
Hermione slowly stood up and went for the door. "Hermione, the five minutes aren't over yet, wait," Severus asked, now desperate to get through to her. He hated that he couldn't keep the emotion out of his voice.
She slowly turned around and looked into his eyes. "I don't see how your situation compares to mine. Let me go. I am perfectly alright." Her tone was cold and unemotional. She had herself under control again.

It was too much for Severus. He quickly went over to her and grabbed her shoulders. "No, you are not, can't you see?" He started to shake her to get her out of her detached state. "Let go of me," she said, "let go of me," but her voice had started to shake. "You have no right…"

She unwound from his grip, opened the door and ran out of the house. She ran towards the cliffs just to get away from him and the pity she had seen in his eyes. Just apparating away didn't come into her mind again.

Severus let her ran towards the cliff but didn't go after her right away. Perhaps she only needed some time to think. After all, he had pressurized her pretty hard. Only when she nearly reached the edge of the cliffs he suddenly became concerned she might just jump off. Shit, why didn't I think about that right away? He panicked and ran after her in a sprint, calling out her name several times. She didn't hear and didn't stop. He caught up with her shortly before she had reached the edge of the cliff. He grabbed her arms and pulled her to him. "Please, don't do that. Please." For a couple of seconds Hermione fought his grip but suddenly, all tension left her. She started sobbing violently and the only thing Severus could think of was putting his arms around her.

She cried until there were simply no tears left.

"Come, Hermione, let's get back into the house," he softly addressed after she had stopped crying and had blown her nose into his handkerchief. "Okay," she answered, her voice hoarse from shouting and crying.

Back inside, Severus went straight into the kitchen and prepared some tea. He needed time to think and she, he assumed, as well. He hoped she wouldn't fall back right into her state of apathy and despair again. He still hadn't recovered from the shock at the sight of her after those three and a half months. She was almost deathly pale and had dark circles under her eyes. Her skin seemed translucent and dry. She looked a couple of years older than she actually was. It frightened him. He decided for cream instead of milk for the tea and scones with raspberry jam. When he came out of the kitchen with the tray in his hand, Hermione looked at him wearily. "How are you feeling now?" he asked her with a gentleness she had never heard in his tone before.

"Exhausted, and confused, thanks to you," she answered while he poured her a cup of tea. "I assure you," Severus said dryly, "no further portkeys on this table."

"That was sneaky, I have to give you that," she answered but her voice lacked any humour. "I wasn't a spy for nothing," he answered her, trying to lighten the mood.

"So, once again, why am I really here, Severus?"

Severus took a sip of his tea and helped himself to a scone. He needed time for the explanation he would give her. He would once again have to be entirely honest to her. She will know me better than any other person soon, I'm afraid.

"Hermione, I pretty much explained it to you earlier. You need to grief for Ron, you have to cry and shout and be angry and sad at the same time. You must not shut down all the things you are feeling. I assure I know this seems the easier way at the moment.

But at the moment you are not the Hermione I've known for seven years now. You are cold and distant and you've alienated your friends. Friends you've had for years and that fought with you against Voldemort.
I am aware the death of a loved one changes the person who is left behind but not in the way you have changed. Where is the humorous, intelligent, fierce and beautiful woman I've had the pleasure to become friends with in the last year after she saved my life. My life, which you've felt worthy enough to save. And that is the key to it – you've felt it. But now? Are you still able to feel?"

He paused and took a deep breath to be able to say what he wanted to say.
"I haven't felt much in the last twenty years- might the Dark Mark have been the cause for that or Lily's death or something else entirely - it shut me out from my very own life.

You can believe me, Hermione, I am still utterly confused about all the things I am now feeling everyday. But I wouldn't want to live without this again. I've learnt that the hard way on the day of Ron's death. Life is too short to not feel anything, even if there are bad feelings amongst the good ones.

This … friendship we have developed over the last months, I really do value this as a very precious thing, I want you to know that. I am even able to admit that I… like you. And you can't imagine how hard it is for a person like me to say that. It means the same as laying bare my soul to you.
It hurts me to see you in a state like that. And I think it hurts Harry, too." Her eyes had widened a bit at his confession. Severus felt bare. What else to say to her? It seemed only his last sentences had provoked at least some reaction in her. He waited.

Her eyes filled with tears again and her lips started to tremble. Finally all the grief she had locked up inside herself since a few days after the funeral seemed to find a way out. I don't want to feel all this, but he's right. He understands, Hermione suddenly realized. He really understood her. He was a true friend and he still liked her after all her bad behaviour. There was still one person in her life she could turn to and that felt good and made her sad at the time because she had shut him out, too.

She couldn't not cry anymore and at last let it all go. The loneliness of the last few months, the sadness that she had shut out her friends and had probably hurt them. The pity she had seen in everyone's eyes. She cried until she fell asleep on Severus' sofa from sheer exhaustion.

Severus carefully wrapped her into a blanked and watched her sleep for a while. Finally, finally, she had let it all go. He couldn't help but feel relieved.

He wasn't sure what he would have done if his last speech hadn't provoked some reaction. It had been a close thing, that he was quite sure of.

Tired from all the talking and all the emotions he felt he stretched out on his sofa as well and fell asleep soon after Hermione.

The first rays of sunlight peaked directly into Severus' living room. Hermione woke with a start. Where am I? She was confused for a moment, she hadn't slept that good since… since the day Ron had died. Slowly, the last day came into her mind again and she relaxed on Severus' sofa, snuggling under the comfy blankets. Until she turned and saw him sleeping on the opposite sofa, his mouth hanging slightly open. He looked a bit tense but was still fast asleep.

Gods, I really fell asleep on his couch. How long have I cried yesterday? Tears welled up in her eyes again, tears she had thought she had spent all yesterday already. But she had to admit she felt better after Severus had pulled her out of her state of denial. How could I have let it come so far? I barely recognize myself anymore.

Silently, Hermione stood up from the sofa and went into the bathroom upstairs.

When she stood before the bathroom mirror to wash out her eyes from all the crying she was startled by the person who looked back at her from the mirror. Once again, she thought how she could have let it come this far. She looked like a mess. Her skin was pale and her hair was nothing but an unruly, outgrown mop. I look horrible. And I need a bath as soon as I return to Hogwarts. And a haircut. Severus wouldn't let her stay much longer, he surely had better things to do than watch over her now that she had finally come out of her state of…yes.. whatever state she had been in until yesterday. She couldn't even describe it properly. The coldness she had felt within her was gone. The pain caused by the loss of Ron was back in her chest but she could bear it now. She would have to.

When she felt presentable enough again, Hermione went back downstairs. Severus was gone from the sofa and could be heard in the kitchen. She decided to help him with whatever he was doing to avoid the awkwardness after they had slept in the same room all night.

Hesitantly, she knocked on the kitchen door and entered the kitchen. "Good morning, Severus," she tried with a smile in her voice.

Severus had been confused when he had woken up on his couch instead in his bed upstairs. For a short moment he was worried when he saw Hermione gone from the other couch but then he heard the water running upstairs. He still had to get over the thought that they had slept in the same room all night and that he hadn't slept this good in the last couple of months. It seemed that her presence had rather calmed than disturbed him. He hadn't woken once during the night. Hermione looked much better this morning and her eyes were filled with life again. She was still there with him and had not fallen back into her state. Good. All other thoughts of how lovely she looked this morning he pushed down violently.

"Good morning, Hermione," he answered and returned her smile. "Did you get any sleep?"

"Yes, thank you. In fact, I haven't slept this good in months," she admitted and blushed a little. "And you?" she asked him back with real interest in her voice. "You didn't have to watch over me all night, I'm sorry if you had the feeling you had to stay with me."

"It's alright, Hermione. I fell asleep shortly after you…sheer exhaustion I think. I slept well, thank you. Tea?"

"Are you asking me to stay for breakfast, then?" Hermione couldn't help inquiring. She assumed he would want her to return to Hogwarts for breakfast.

"You think you should return to Hogwarts, don't you?" She nodded.

"I agreed with Minerva you could stay here as long as you need to recover a bit. Of course, only if I had managed to make you stay more than five minutes," Severus answered, sounding a bit unsure with his proposal.

"I can stay a bit? I would love that, Severus. But only if it is really okay with you and not just Minerva's idea. I know how she can be sometimes."

"Then it is decided, stay as long as you feel you need to," Severus answered firmly but avoiding her eyes. She didn't notice. He wondered how he could manage to have her around him for more than a day. Company was something he still wasn't used to, and her's was especially trying for him.

"What else would you like for breakfast?" He asked, trying not to show what went on inside him.

Hermione helped him preparing breakfast and as soon as they had both sat down at the table, Hermione suddenly realised she had no other clothes with her. "But I can't stay, I don't have anything else with me," she bursted out, gesturing at her clothes.

Women, Severus thought and had to hide a smirk, they are all the same. "Don't fuss, Hermione. I will write Minerva after breakfast that you will stay and ask her to send over some clothes with a house elf and inform Harry that you're here."

"Thank you, Severus. Sorry for being a nervous wreck," she said quietly. "Would it be okay if I take a bath later?"

"Of course it is, but you should also get some fresh air as long as the weather is as good as it is right now, don't you think? You are still much too pale," he tried with a hint of his teacher's voice.

"Will you accompany me?" she asked him at once. "If you wish, yes, of course," he answered after he had overcome the shock that she really seemed to want his company.

They continued their breakfast in silence.

"I can't eat anymore, Severus. You know what came into my mind this morning when I was in the bathroom?" She asked after she had finished her eggs. She had cleared her plate, which certainly was a good sign.

"No, care to enlighten me?"

"I still wonder what you told me that day in the woods, after Ron's death and before we went back to The Burrow. I still can't remember and I tried very hard this morning. You didn't want to write it to me, either, so – what was it, Severus?"

Oh - that, why must that come up now? After all the things I already said to her yesterday. How much more will I have to lay bare?

"Severus?" she addressed him again because he didn't answer and stared out of the window instead.

He sighed.

"I promised to be there for you as a true friend, and that I wanted to help you trough all this. I promised to never hurt you again like I did that day. And I failed you. I'm sorry, Hermione" He looked devastated.

"Why, Severus? There's nothing to be sorry for. You are helping me now and you've shown me true friendship, not only yesterday," Hermione asked him, now looking confused.

"Because I wasn't able to help you the last three and a half months. I should never let it come this far," he admitted quietly.

"That's rubbish, Severus, and you know it. You couldn't have done anything these past months. I let nobody near me, not even Harry. There's no need to feel guilty at all."

I don't seem to be the only one with issues here…Hermione couldn't help but think.

Severus stood from the table and cleared the dishes away, which gave Hermione time to think.

It certainly was a strange situation, she and her former teacher together in his house with her using it as a place for thinking and recovering a bit and him sharing his private life with a former student.

A man that was twice her age understanding her better than her oldest friend. Perhaps it was just what she needed, the perspective of a man that had been unattached to Ron. A man that had really gone through the same like her at the same age. She was able to see the parallels today. She hadn't really thought it through yesterday when he had compared their situations, but he had been right. If anyone could understand her, it was him. And that Severus had offered her to stay although he was such a private man gave her a warm feeling deep inside her.

Severus stayed longer in the kitchen than he really needed to. He needed to think. So, Hermione would stay for a while, exactly as Minerva and him had planned. What he hadn't planned was his reaction to her. She is grieving, Severus, why are you even think about how beautiful she looked this morning. Stop it. But he couldn't. He would be doomed if she stayed a couple of days. And he had no idea how to hide his growing feelings for her. He still denied himself to analyse exactly what he felt towards her, but it was certainly more than friendship.

So he would try to be a friend, more than he had ever tried in his life, to keep her friendship and stick to his promise. He would get over everything else eventually, he was quite sure about that.