xoxoxoxo

Chapter 14

xoxoxoxo

Rafe smoothed down the collar of his shirt for about the hundredth time, hating the fact that he was so nervous, but completely unable to bring his anxiety under control. He was just going to see River, he repeated to himself. Surely, there was no cause to be this distraught.

But there was, and he knew it. The River he was going to see now wasn't the young woman who had fallen in love with him or vice versa. This River was unmarred by all the Blue Hands had done to her, unburdened by the knowledge that she had killed efficiently and effectively when push had come to shove. This River didn't know him.

Swallowing hard one final time, Rafe pushed aside as much of his fear as he could and rang the bell. It took Kaylee only a moment to answer and the expression she greeted him with was far from her normal cheery one. "Rafe? How're you doin'?"

"Uh, fine," he stammered. Forcing his voice to steady, he added, "I was hopin' I could see River. Simon had said that-"

As Kaylee's features fell, her cheeks paling, Rafe felt his heart leap into his throat. "What's wrong?" he asked urgently, taking a step forward. "Is River all right?"

"Kaylee." Simon's voice was heard over his wife's shoulder and in a minute he was framed in the doorway behind her. "Rafe," he greeted the younger man grimly, causing the mechanic's already heightened level of fear to rise. "Come in," Simon finally offered, kissing Kaylee's cheek as she moved uncertainly back to the living room.

Standing in the foyer, Rafe studied Simon intently, wishing he knew the doctor better. Maybe if he'd spent more time with him, he'd have a better chance of figuring out just how bad things with River had become.

Looking to the younger man with conflicted eyes, Simon said softly, "River had – well, an episode, last night. She's currently sedated."

"An episode?" Rafe's voice was breathless, his lungs having a difficult time pulling in air. "What'd ya mean?"

Resting a light hand to Rafe's shoulder, Simon held his blue-eyed gaze with his and said, "She's remembering more and more of her life before the surgery, Rafe. Her life on Serenity and at the Academy. She had a fairly horrific dream and it caused her to act out."

"Was she hurt?" Rafe asked.

Shaking his head once, Simon said, "No. But when River came to her senses she was hysterical. I sedated her for her own well-being."

Rafe started slightly as he realized Simon was almost asking for his forgiveness. Guessing that the idea of doping up his little sister did not sit well with him, Rafe told him, "I believe ya, doc." The sound of voices from the other room drew his attention and with a cock of his chin towards the noise, he asked, "What's goin' on?"

Following his gaze, Simon sighed and when he again looked to Rafe his eyes held the weight of man more than twice his age. "My parents and Eli are here. We're all discussing what would be best for River."

Rafe did not envy the man that conversation. Running a nervous hand through his hair, he debated for a moment and then asked, "Can I sit with her?"

Eyes narrowing slightly as he tried to understand the other's request, Simon reminded him, "She should be out for a few more hours at least. You won't be able to talk with her."

Nodding, Rafe answered, "I know, but I don't wanna her to be alone."

Understanding dawning, Simon simply nodded and then took a step back, offering Rafe a clear path to River's room. The younger man offered a nod to the group gathered in the living room as he passed, but otherwise said nothing.

As Simon returned, Gabriel continued his heated debate. "Simon, she's stayed here too long. She was doing well in the hospital. It's only since she's been here with you and Kaylee that she's gotten worse." Squeezing his wife's hand firmly, as if to reinforce his point, he added, "We want to take River home."

Simon ignored the insult inherent in his father's statement and did his best to soothe Kaylee's hurt feelings as she understood that Gabriel was blaming her for River's condition. Sitting beside his wife, Simon looked to his father. "Do you honestly think this is just a relapse?" When neither of his parents had an answer, he forged ahead. "She's remembered almost all of her time on board Serenity and every day more pieces of her time at the Academy come back." His gaze hardening, he asked in a lowered voice, "Tell me what you would have done last night if she'd stood over you with a butcher's knife?"

Regan's face paled as her mind pictured Simon's scenario, while Gabriel's features simply grew sharper. As Simon watched his parents struggle to wrap their minds around who their daughter was, he turned to Eli. "What would you do?"

Sighing heavily, Eli did not miss the flash of defiance in Gabriel's eyes. It still annoyed the man to no end that Simon sought Eli's counsel over his own father. But in this instance, it was about more than trust; Eli was River's doctor, and his opinion carried weight.

"Honestly?" he began quietly, waiting to get a nod from both Simon and Gabriel before continuing. "I'd reverse the procedure. These flashes of memory are only serving to agitate River and make her violent. At this point, I think returning her to her normal state is for the best. For everyone."

"Normal state?" Gabriel snorted, staring from Eli to Simon with incredulous eyes. "She's not normal. She hasn't been normal since she went to that yu ben de school!"

"Gabriel," Regan admonished, her gray eyes glaring at her husband. When he looked notably chagrined, Regan turned back to them and this time addressed Simon. "We want to make her well, Simon. That's all we've ever wanted."

"Then you gotta let her be," Kaylee said quietly from Simon's side. As four sets of eyes alighted to her young face, she continued, her voice gaining strength and conviction. "She ain't never gonna be the daughter you remember, but she was happy before. You gotta let her be happy. She may never be well again."

Simon inhaled sharply at Kaylee's words, fighting the rise of bile in his throat. She had spoken the truth, but it still stung, because it meant he had failed his sister, failed to save her, not once, but twice. The touch of Kaylee's hand to his cheek, drew Simon's thoughts back to the present. Turning to regard her, his breath caught in his throat at the sight of pure regret in her eyes. "I'm sorry, bao bei," she murmured, leaning forward to touch their foreheads together. "But we gotta do what's best for River."

Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, Simon drew her close for an embrace, more than thankful that the 'verse had conspired to bring Kaylee into his life. She was so unbelievably precious to him.

Interrupting the young couple's quiet moment, Gabriel interjected, "You can't honestly think we'll consent to you putting her under the knife again?"

Pulling away from Kaylee, Simon gazed at his father. "Please don't make this harder than it has to be."

"We haven't begun to fight," Gabriel whispered back, his voice harsh with intent.

And then, true to his word, he launched into another argument and Simon could only sigh and pray for this all to be over.

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She looked all of twelve when she was sleeping, a fact that had caused Rafe a bit of concern in their first few months together. Sometimes, he'd wake up in the middle of the night and catch her pale face in the dim light, convinced he was going to a very special Hell for loving someone so young. But when she gazed at him with those eyes he drowned in time and time again, he saw an aged soul, carrying around more pain, hurt and, at times, joy, than a body rightly knew what to do with.

That's when Rafe knew he would love this frail, strong and beautiful woman for the rest of his days.

He had never considered that she wouldn't love him. She had seemed so sure only a few months ago; so sure that they would be together, that soon she would be ready to take their relationship to the next physical level; that Rafe would be enough to chase her monsters away and comfort her after her nightmares. But something had changed.

River was nothing if not stubborn and while Rafe wished he could have convinced her not to have the surgery, her determination had been all-encompassing. She'd been convinced that the only way for them to have a future was for her to find a cure. A cure that, in the end, took away any hope for the happy ever after they'd both been seeking.

Gently, he lifted her pale hand off the bend and clasped it between his own. His larger, calloused fingers engulfed hers completely and only the cool, smooth feel of her skin told him he was cradling something precious. Raising the hand to his face, he brushed his lips along her knuckles, before resting it to his forehead. Releasing a heavy sigh, he murmured, "I wish I could talk to you, Riv. I don't know what to do."

He wanted to help her, he wanted her to come back to him. But Rafe was not so selfish to put his needs above her health. The last thing he wanted for River was this – a sedated life, her brown eyes devoid of any sparkle, her dancer's body still and lifeless. And he knew she didn't want it either.

Not removing his eyes from the bedspread, he pressed her hand a bit more firmly to his forehead and murmured, "I love you, ai ren."

"How?"

Dropping her hand as if shocked, Rafe stiffened in the chair, his blue eyes wide with trepidation. River's eyes were focused on him, the brown orbs studying him with an intense curiosity he had seen many times before. Sitting up slightly in bed, she stared at him for another minute and then rephrased her question. "How can you love me? You don't even know me."

Sighing heavily, Rafe dropped his chin to his chest. He didn't know how to do this – he didn't know how to talk to the woman he loved as if she was a stranger. Buoying his courage, he willed his eyes back to her face and mustered the only smile he could. "I guess that is true enough," he told her finally. "But it's hard for me to separate the girl you were from the girl you are." Pausing, he hesitated for only a second before adding, "You're still the prettiest girl in all the worlds."

Her cheeks flushed pink instantly and she dropped her eyes to her lap, intently studying her fingers as she entwined them again and again. Emboldened by her lack of screaming, Rafe added, "An' it's pretty plain you're still the sweetest thing that ever roamed the 'verse, so I'm thinkin' those are some qualities I could learn to live with."

She actually gave him a soft giggle and Rafe felt his hear soar. Inching a bit closer to the bed, he was about to say something else, when River's timid voice interrupted him. "The girl I was before … You loved her?" As she asked, she raised her eyes to his face and Rafe inhaled sharply at the look of pure conflict in her gaze.

Swallowing hard, he nodded. "I did. I loved her very much."

"But how?" River willed her voice not to crack as images of the past few weeks played unbidden through her memory. Images of her killing and cutting and shooting. Images of her being tortured and hurt. Images of her crazy and ranting. "That girl, she was crazy, she wasn't well." Tears welling in the bottom of her eyes, she added hoarsely, "How could you love someone like that? A monster?"

Reaching for her hands quickly, Rafe squeezed them tightly in his own, willing her to hold his gaze. "River you never was nor never will be a monster, you understand me?" As she nodded reluctantly, he continued, doing his best to keep his voice even. "You mighta done some things in the past that you ain't proud of, but the girl you were before, she was a survivor. She lived through some mighty awful times herself. She was tortured and altered by very bad men. But when the time came, she defended her family, she got the word out." As River inhaled a shaky breath, he allowed his gaze to soften and added, "She was a hero."

River released a pent-up sigh, a few of her tears spilling down her pale cheeks. Reaching up with one hand, Rafe gently wiped the back of his fingers down one side of her face, taking some of her tears with the gesture. Biting her lip at his closeness and the unbelievable familiarity of his touch, River met his gaze, her heart beating sharply against her chest as she read the love and devotion staring back at her. "Truth is, she still is," he said softly, cupping her cheek in his hand.

River nuzzled her face into the touch. She still could not remember him, not completely, but the way he cared for her now was so reminiscent of times past, she could only give in to the comfort. Closing her eyes, a few more tears leaked down her face, before she took another deep breath and then opened clear eyes to him.

Rafe returned her gaze unflinchingly, more than relieved at the closeness they were able to share. This was the closest he'd been to her in almost three months and he could not discount how wonderful it felt. As he opened his mouth to ask her something, a loud spike of the argument in the living room carried down the hall. With frightened eyes, River cocked her head and stared, doing her best to listen in.

Turning to regard Rafe, she asked, "What's going on?"

Sighing, he sat back and explained. "Your brother an' your folks an' Eli are fightin' about what's best for ya."

Cocking an eyebrow, she asked wryly, "Were they going to ask me?"

Chuckling softly, he shook his head. "You know, I don't think it had quite crossed their minds."

She returned his smile, before sitting back, her body relaxing a bit as the fight down the hall lulled. She could feel Simon's concern and his anger at their parents; Kaylee's concern and love for her husband; her parents' conviction that only they knew what was best for their little girl; Eli's resignation that his surgery had not done the trick.

Making a decision, River pushed the covers back, startling Rafe as she swung her legs over the side of the bed. Rising, he went to her, trying to get her to lie back down. "Ai ren, what are you doin'?"

"I need to put an end to this," she told him, swatting at his hands and trying to stand. As he hovered, uncertain whether to help or hinder, she regarded him calmly. "Are you going to stand there or help me?"

Smiling at her tone, he moved to her side and wrapped a strong around her waist. Holding her other hand in his, he helped her out towards the living room. Her body had already metabolized the smoother Simon had given her, but her muscles were still protesting the movement a few hours too early and it was slow going. But with Rafe's strength and support, she was soon standing at the mouth of the hallway, her parents, brother, sister-in-law and doctor all gaping in silence at her shaky form.

Breaking his self-inflicted stare, Simon rose swiftly, and moved around to her other side. Throwing Rafe an accusatory look, he asked River, "Mei mei, what are you doing out of bed?"

"We have to stop this," she told him. Smiling softly at her brother, she then turned her gaze to her parents. "I don't want anymore fighting. Not because of me, please. I just want us all to be happy."

"River, dear," Regan murmured, rising as well. Cupping her daughter's cheek in her hand, she told her quietly, "You've never made us unhappy."

Studying the older woman for a moment, River sighed heavily. Simon, taking the sound as a sign that she needed to sit, quickly ushered her into a chair. Rafe perched himself on the arm, never far away and River was glad. She had not relinquished her hold on his hand at any rate.

"I wish I could believe that, mother," she said with finality. Shifting her gaze to her father, she smiled softly and then said, "But I have a very strong feeling it's not true."

As Gabriel and Regan sat in stunned silence, River looked to Eli and asked, "What do you think is best for me? Given my current situation?"

Leaning forward, Eli propped his elbows on his knees. "I think I should reverse the surgery, River." Gabriel opened his mouth to protest, but was silenced with a harsh look from both of his children. Eli continued. "It will stop the flashes of memory. It will make things fall into place again."

"The nightmares will stop?" she whispered, squeezing Rafe's hand a bit tighter.

Shaking his head, Eli told her, "I don't know about that. You told me before the surgery that you still had nightmares revolving around all you've seen and experienced. But your mind will be linear again. You'll remember things in a timeline, not in pieces. It should at least make sense."

"Sense." River nodded absently, her eyes loosing focus as she tried to sort through all of the emotions, both her own and her families as they raged around her. She felt it becoming too much, felt the overwhelming tide of confusion ready to crash down on her head – and in the next instant found a small island of calm as Rafe's fingers gently rubbed the back of her hand. Turning to regard him, she was met with the smallest of smiles as he lifted the hand he held to his lips and kissed it lightly.

Returning his grin, River took a deep breath and then faced her parents and brother. "This has to stop. I can't live like this. It's like having half a life." Gazing to Kaylee's torn expression and feeling the woman's fear for Simon's well-being as well as River's, she added, "It's not fair to anyone."

Kaylee shared a quick look with Simon as River's eyes traveled back to her parents. "I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted. I'm sorry I was broken. But the surgery didn't fix me." Meeting Rafe's eyes, she added, "And if it's all the same to you, I'd rather be the broken girl I was before. The girl with a job, and love and a family that accepted her."

Regan inhaled sharply, her eyes watering uncomfortably at the truth of her daughter's words. But what touched her more was the lack of malice in her voice. River was only stating a fact – she had a new family now. Whether Gabriel or Regan wanted to admit it, they had seen it with their own eyes, the way River had gravitated to Captain Reynolds, looking to him for fatherly support, the way Kaylee and Rafe doted on their daughter as if she was the most precious person in the 'verse. The way Simon still looked after her and cared for her despite all the hardship he'd faced as a result.

Their daughter had found a family – and Regan was slowly starting to accept that she was not a part of it.

"When can we schedule the surgery?" River's eyes had rested on Eli and she saw the small gleam of love and pride shining there. She was glad that when all was said and done she would be able to remember this man as well. He was important to her and to Simon and she wanted to know all the reasons why.

"There will be no surgery." Gabriel's cold voice cut through the room like the sharpest wind.

Barely suppressing a groan of fatigue and annoyance, Simon rubbed a hand over his aching neck before turning weary eyes to his father. "What now?"

"River is still our daughter. I will not consent to the surgery." Gabriel's arms crossed over his chest and he tipped his chin up defiantly as if the stance alone could cement the words into truth.

"Not a child any longer, father," River told him. Her voice was devoid of any emotion other than exasperation – so very similar to Simon's. "I'm an adult now, and it's not your decision."

Gabriel had no response for that, and he watched in horror as River again regarded Eli and asked evenly, "When?"

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Mal answered the door to find Zoe standing on the other side, her expression, as always, unreadable, Jayne's normal scowl visible over her right shoulder.

"Got us a job, sir," she told him evenly, stepping inside as Mal made room for her and his merc. Following him into the living room, Zoe and Jayne both took seats on the sofa, greeting Inara with smiles as she emerged from the bedroom.

Zoe could tell the woman was tired, but the glow of her skin masked any true exhaustion. "How are you feelin', 'Nara?"

Smiling patiently, Inara's hand caressed her stomach as she answered flatly, "Huge." As Jayne and Zoe guffawed and Mal returned with cups of coffee for his crew, Inara added, "But otherwise, just fine."

Waiting until they had taken seats, Zoe asked Mal, "Heard anything else about River?"

Shaking his head once, Mal's lips pressed into a thin line that signified his annoyance. "Not yet. I'm hopin' the doc doesn't decide to keep me in the dark again. I'd hate to have to knock that boy's head against a wall."

"Aw hell, I'll do it," Jayne volunteered eagerly, sipping his coffee. Ignoring the scowls from the rest of them, he added, "We gonna talk about work, or what?"

Not at all surprised by his single-mindedness when there was coin involved, Zoe turned her attention back to the captain. "We were contacted by a tradesman day after last. He's got some cargo he needs to get off world. Offering us a fair amount of coin to do the transportin'."

"What kind of cargo?" Mal asked. A year ago, the question would never have passed his lips; he had always adhered to the "don't ask, don't tell" philosophy of smuggling. But now, as he took in Inara's pregnant form at his side, he had more to worry about than his own hide. He didn't need to be pissing off people with more fire power or resources than him.

"Building supplies," Zoe elaborated. If she felt he'd gone soft, she didn't make any indication. "I checked him out. He's clean."

"What's the timetable?"

"His buyer needs the materials by the end of the month on Jiangyin." Zoe watched as Mal's eyebrows raised a fraction of an inch. Even at full burn, they would be hard-pressed to make that deadline.

"Jiangyin's pretty far out," he stated needlessly, glancing to Inara. Her expression was serene, but he could only guess what she was thinking. It would take them a good three weeks to get out there and a good three weeks to get back. Meaning Mal would be gone for the last few months of her pregnancy.

"Jayne and I have prepped the ship, although it'd be shiny if Rafe could come along. I don't like flyin' that far without a mechanical genius on board," Zoe explained. "Given the situation with River though-"

"Nah, we can't fly out to the Rim and back without him," Mal confirmed, sitting back with a sigh. Closing his eyes for a moment, when he again regarded his first mate, he had a wry smile plastered on his features. "When did things get so gorram complicated?"

"Right around the time we all started disobeyin' your orders 'bout shipboard romances," Zoe countered, a playful smirk on her lips.

Snorting softly, Mal reached for Inara's hand as he said, "Yeah, well, I'm breakin' my own rules, so I guess I got no cause to be yellin' at anybody else."

Silence fell among them as Mal did his best to weigh his options. He needed to talk it over with Inara, but he also knew that their time was short. He would have to leave almost immediately in order to get the supplies to the buyer on time.

Jayne, always impatient, huffed and said, "So, we goin' or what?"

Releasing another sigh, Mal turned to Inara. "I'll be fine, Mal," she told him quietly, smiling softly. "Kaylee and Simon are here and so are my parents if anything happens."

He swallowed down his automatic retort – that should anything happen he didn't want Inara relying on them, he wanted her relying on him. Suddenly, Edward's idea of a job on solid land didn't seem like such a stretch of the imagination. But then, Mal had kind of already puzzled that out.

Looking to Zoe, Mal sighed and asked, "What's the take?"

As she was about to answer him, the beep of an incoming wave interrupted. Inara rose and answered it, speaking quietly. Mal watched closely as her back stiffened just before she closed the connection. Rising, he went to her and asked quietly, "Everythin' all right?"

Turning, Inara took a deep breath and did her best to reassure him and the rest of the crew. "It's River," she said finally, not missing the flash of worry that passed through his gaze. "She's going back in for surgery."

xoxoxoxo