Thanks: Doctor-who-mad-gal (sort of!), fifth business, timelady1210, souless tears, kateg123, and 00-vampire-kisses-00 for being so kind as to review.

Disclaimer (I keep on forgetting the bloody thing!): I do NOT own Torchwood, mainly because if I did... Life would be fantastic... And life CANNOT be that! Muahahaha.

"LET'S DANCE TO JOY DIVISION AND CELEBRATE THE IRONY, EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG BUT WE'RE SO HAPPY!!"

Ah, The Wombles. No, wait, Wombats.

Beauty in a song.

"LET'S DANCE TO JOY DIVISION AND RAISE OUR GLASS TO THE CEILING..."

Who are Joy Division?

"IT COULD ALL GO SO WRONG... BUT WE'RE SO HAPPYYYY!!"

Ha, compared to Torchwood.

"What?" I said, as a man passed by.

Or is it a woman?

Whatever, alien she... he... woman...

Shut it John.

His fault for staring.

"SO GRAB YOUR PURSE AND TAKE A-"

"Sir?" Someone poked me.

Ouch.

"Yes? Are you going to apologise for interrupting my song? Compliment my singing skills?" I asked.

"No"

You can SO tell he loves me.

"Singing has been banned on this planet... Especially when it's bad singing"

"WHAT?!" I yelled.

"You're barred from planet Ghonisdaf" The alien man-woman said shortly "You have 156 seconds to leave... Before we blast you into a black-hole"

WHAT?!

"Good day Sir"

WHAT?!

WHAT?!

"Well sod this planet! I didn't like it anyway!" I snapped.

Take THAT!

To the rift mobile!

Na na na na nan an na na na na... JOHN MAN!!

JOHN MAN!!

I jumped into the Rift.

"GOODBYE SWEET PLANET!" I yelled, waving "AND TO SAY GOODBYE..."

"Get him away" She he said.

"NEAR..."

"SHUT HIM UP"

"FAR... WHEREVER YOU ARE!! I BELIEVE THAT THE HEART DOES... GO ON!!"

I should turn around, so that I can find somewhere that I want to go. But this is my pride!

"ONCE MORE YOU OPEN THE DOOR!!" I screamed, laughing at people covering their... What look like ears. They could be their noses.

"SO I BID YOU ADIEU!!" I yelled "FOR I AM CAPTION JOHN... THE GREATEST MAN OF ALL..."

"John?" I heard someone say behind me.

"Aloha... My sweet, kind- "

Oh crap, it's Gwen.

I'm on Earth.

Gwen blinked at me "Sweet, kind...? Finish your sentance"

Uh...

Must. Refrain. From. Calling. Her. A. Warlock.

"Sweet, kind... Human" I said.

Good 'un.

"Shut up and put your hands behind your head" She fired at me.

"How long have I been on Earth?" I asked "Did you hear my singing?"

"Is that what you call it?!" She asked. Handcuffing me "We thought you were being totured"

"We?" I turned around, to see the rest of the 'gang' (apart from Jack) "SEXY!!"

"What?" Ianto said, he then blushed furiously "I mean... Who are you talking to?"

At the Hub.

"So..." I said, smiling at them "How are you all doing?"

"WHERE THE FUCK IS JACK?!" Gwen suddenly started screaming.

"YEAH!"

Great, I have five guns pointed to my head (Gwen has two) i've been handcuffed, and my throat hurts from singing. Joy.

"YEAH!"

This is going to be fun.

So... That's the next chapter. Basically, John went on holiday to a nice planet, and then went the wrong way in the rift and turned up on Earth. Muahaha.

Please R+R, no flames.