15/8/2004 Sunday

This is the last day of this wretched journal. I'm actually kind of glad.

I don't think I'll keep writing. Things have been crappier and crappier with every day that I write down what I'm feeling. I'll still try to work on everything I've mentioned and such, but writing it out just makes me think more about what I'm feeling, and inevitably just makes me angrier than I was to begin with. I know Mr. Edman and L and Roger all want me to keep doing this, but nothing good is going to come from it. If anything, just more emotional me tearing up the World History room and screaming at kids younger than me.

I don't like psychology. It makes me think too much about myself. It draws out too many bad memories, upsets carefully hidden emotions, and for me, just makes things worse. It sucks, and it's gonna be a long semester.

I hate feeling crappy like I am now. I'm tired as all get-out and I really could deal with not going to class tomorrow. My feet hurt from the football game we held earlier. I can't think more than three sentences without yawning. My butt hurts from hitting the deck during the game, and from sitting so long at dinner. I can't really sense any of my emotions. I feel like an empty, worn-out shell.

But this is the last day of this. The fifteenth of August. Near's birthday's in a little over a week. He'll be thirteen. How can he be that much younger than me, but still on my level intellectually? I wasn't as smart as he is at that age. I don't think it's fair.

Wait.

That's not right. If some people didn't have that natural, God-given intellectual advantage, everyone would be the same. I wouldn't be number two. I wouldn't be at Wammy's. Wammy's wouldn't exist! I guess what I mean to say is I wish I had an equal—or greater—advantage as Near.

Near doesn't have many friends. He spends his time indoors, in his room, stacking things and playing with toys and solving jigsaw puzzles and riddles. He rarely has any meal in the cafeteria—only on holidays when everyone is required to eat together, regardless of whether we celebrate it or not.

That being said, why do so many people wish him a happy birthday?

People are afraid of me. When I turned thirteen, I had Matt, Blare, Near, and maybe a teacher or two wish me a happy birthday. I got a case of chocolate from Roger, and Matt "allowed" me to play through his Pokémon Blue Version.

Near, though, just walking into the cafeteria on his birthday last year, had an entire table serenading him—literally. Linda gave him some brand new toy he liked.

Whatever. Just thinking about the sheep sets my blood boiling. May as well end this shit storm on a high note, so I'm not going to go into that any more.

On the positive side of today, Matt and I actually were in the same area voluntarily without me wanting to punch him. Okay, so we snuck out of Sunday library time to hang out in the bathroom and share junk food. Yeah, that's why it took so long for Matt to refill his water bottle (which was admittedly Sprite) and why I spent so much time going to the bathroom.

I think I can call Matt my best friend now. I wasn't quite sure of that before, but now I am. He's so chilled out all the time, so laid back, he's going to fall over. But it's contagious. He makes me relax too, which I have been in dire need of for a while. I put too much stress on myself. That stress is lifted when we sit on the windowsill in the bathroom with a bag of Doritos between us and just joke about everything we can think of.

I think he knows though. He knows that I push myself too hard. Honestly, I think it's pretty obvious. I think a lot of people know, but really only Matt does anything. Everyone else is too afraid of me.

Come to think of it, I've never laid a hand on Matt. It's hard for me to keep my hands to myself. I've hit Near plenty of times, Blare only once, before I knew about his family, and enough of the other kids for me to get grounded more than my fair share of times. But never Matt. I don't know why.

I loved that today, though. I need to do that more often with him—just cut class and chill out. I know I shouldn't be cutting class, but who the hell cares? It's not like Near shows up to half of his classes. Only when he's not hiding in his room does he come. I can still beat him, especially if I'm taking that time to relax and recollect myself. And even then, it's just a study hall, pretty much. I can do my work and my research whenever. Not just in those two hours.

I just can't get over the fact that Matt's my friend. He said that, too. I'm his friend. He's my friend.

I think he's my first actual true blue friend.

It's getting late. I've already showered, my hair is dry and up in a pony tail, and I'm all ready for bed. I'm actually writing this in bed. My feet still hurt and I'm ready to pass out as soon as I drop this pen.

I don't know how to end this. What should I say? Goodbye? Maybe see you again, if I ever need to vent and no one's willing to listen? That probably won't happen, because I'm learning that I can rant even if no one gives a shit! They'll hear it. They may not listen, but someone will hear. And then, when I snap and seriously injure myself or another, I can say I warned them. I don't want to think that'll happen for sure, but I have to accept that it's a very real possibility.

I mean, yeah, this journal's helped me a lot. But it's also put me in countless bad moods. I recognize my issues, but I don't know if I can—or am willing to—change them. Some things I'm still trying my best to fix. Others I've given up on. Some are lost causes that stay stationary despite my efforts.

The one thing I can say for sure without a doubt is that I'm going to enjoy not having to write in this every night. As I know I've made clear, in the words of the oh-so-wise Matt, I thought too much and put myself in a bad mood. I think if I ever write in this again, it'll be when I've thought too much on my own terms and need to write it down. Otherwise, I can't say I'll touch this very much until then.

So I really don't know what to say from here. I guess I'll just end it.

See you.

Mello

A/N: Happy Friday everyone!

So, although the journal is technically over, there will be three more chapters, so be on the lookout for those. ;)

Thank you all so much for reading (and hopefully reviewing! c;)! I'm really glad to know people care enough to read my work. C:

Until next week~!