Authors note - Happy New Year!
Chapter 13
Anastasia
As I am looking at my mother's pale face I can only feel hatred. Deep indescribable hatred. My mother is actually dying and all I can feel is loathing.
"You hate me she whispers" And there is it again…that soft voice, the one that always made me think that everything was my fault.
"Stop with the dramatics, Carla. Start talking" My dad growls.
"The opportunity presented itself when you invited me to Seattle to show me your new home. You were so unbelievably happy…you couldn't stop talking about Phoebe and how you longed to hold her in your arms. You were even playing with the idea to retire…" She takes a long deep breath and focuses her eyes on me. "And I just couldn't let that happen. I sacrificed too much to let that happen"
"This is your last fucking warning, Carla" My dad is towering over her, his fists clenched, his jaw ticking with anger. "We didn't stay here to discuss your fucking feelings. So this is how it is going to be; you are going to tell us every little detail of your sordid plan. You won't discuss your feelings because let's be honest, we don't care."
"I did it for her…for her happiness"
"I told you to fucking stop preaching!" My dad leans closer to my mother, their faces practically touching. "You are pretending to have morals and values, but you don't even possess them. You insult, criticize, lie, disrespect and abuse. You are nothing but a narcissist, a psychopath. A vile toxic parasite. Start talking, Carla or so help me God, I am going to kill you."
"Who helped you?" Kate asks coldly. She hasn't let go of my hand since we entered my mother's room, and for that I am grateful.
"Joanne was a nurse at the hospital. I knew her from the time I was working as a nurse. I knew she was struggling financially since her husband had died and left her with a huge amount of debts. I met up with her under the pretense to catch up on old times." A wicked malicious smile, forms on her gaunt face and I force myself to look away.
"Persuading her to help me was the easiest part since she was desperate for money. The problem was that I wasn't entirely sure how to execute the plan, so I met with her in the hospital cafeteria. It was empty except for a young man and a woman. He was angry and crying…I remember him shouting. The woman with him was comforting him. I asked Joanne who he was and she told me he was a billionaire. I overheard their entire conversation and that's when I made the decision to give Phoebe to him. To Christian Grey"
"So when I fell off the stairs you …"
"I guess fate was on my side when you slid and fell."
"I drugged you. I couldn't possibly take the risk for you to wake up and see Phoebe alive." While the tears are falling from my eyes I see my dad burying his head in his hands.
"You said a doctor checked up on, Ana. Was that a lie too?"
"Yes. It was only Joanne and me who knew about this. After Phoebe was born I called her. She came down to the house and we dressed her a quickly as possible. I wrote the note, put her in a whisker bassinet Joanne brought with her…" Her eyes dart to mine. "She was crying. She cried the entire time I was dressing her." She takes a deep breath and settles deeper into her pillows.
"She was crying…I could hear her cry, but I couldn't open my eyes…" the dream that I've been having since that day comes back. The crying, the inability to move and open my eyes and comfort my daughter. But now it seems it wasn't a dream after all.
"I knew I had made the right decision by choosing Christian Grey when the news about Phoebe didn't break out. He was selfish, knew what he wanted and I just knew I had picked the best person to raise her."
"Where is Joanne now and what is her last name?"
"Joanne contacted me the next day. She wanted to turn herself in. She wanted to contact you and I couldn't let that happen."
"I offered her more money." Her brow furrows and she looks annoyed. "But she declined." She sneers. "Suddenly she was remorseful, that dumb cow even refused the money I offered her" I see her rolling her eyes and I just can't believe this is my mother. My feelings alternate from hate, to sorrow, to unbearable pain.
"What happened to her?" I whisper. "Why didn't she come to me? Why didn't she go to Christian?"
She turns her face and stares at Bob's pale face. The poor guy has been repeatedly apologizing to me, promising me, that he wasn't aware of what my mother had done. And I believe him. I stare back at my mother and I am again astonished by the cold look on her face. There isn't one ounce of remorse.
My mother's trembling weakened hands go to a wooden box next to her. With great difficulty, she lifts the box on her lap and opens it. It is now that I recognize the box. My dad made it for her. It is a beautiful hand carved wooden box. My mother has had that thing forever.
After a few seconds she hands me a newspaper article:
Woman found dead in home; Police investigating.
Authorities have identified a 48-year old woman whose body was found after co-workers reported her missing when the woman hadn't shown up for her work obligations.
The woman, a nurse working at Seattle's Northwest Hospital, was found with different bottles of pills. According to a close friend the woman suffered from depression since her husband died several years ago.
She was last seen at work.
I glance up from the newspaper article and just stare at my mother's blank face.
"She killed herself" I mutter.
"She was weak…she was…"
"I want to go…" Still clutching Kate's hand I rise from my chair. "Kate, dad, please I want to go. Take me away from here."
Stumbling, with the newspaper article still clutched in my hands, I work my way to the door.
When I look back at my mother, I feel like I just had an out of body experience and am watching this entire scene from above. Everything that I've been told today seems to be something out of a horror movie. A never-ending nightmare. I turn my face and look at the shocked faces of Kate, my dad, and Bob and I don't think I can take any more of this. Layer after layer of years of betrayal and hurt have been exposed. My mother is not only responsible for kidnapping my baby, but she is also responsible for the death of a 48-year old woman.
A woman who maybe felt like she had no choice. A woman who was desperate. A woman who most probably was manipulated by my narcissist mother.
"I hate you…" I whisper. "I hate you so much…how could you?" I crumple the piece of paper in my hand and throw it at my mother.
"Why? I just want to know why…"
"I didn't want to be burdened by this child," She spits. "Don't you understand, Anastasia? I was already forced to keep you…and then your father died…he left me…"
"It's always about you, isn't it? How can a mother express that she never wanted her child," I whisper horrified.
"You still don't see what I did for you? What I sacrificed for you?" She sneers.
"The only thing you do is criticize, manipulate. You never cared about my feelings…"
"Feelings are for the weak, Ana."
I shake my head, still not believing that this is really my mother. The person who should love me unconditionally. The person who should have cared loved me and protected me from harm, caused me the most pain.
"I hate you and I hope that you suffer, alone. I just spoke with Bob and we made arrangements for you to be transferred to a hospice. There you will die alone."
"Doesn't he pick up the phone?" I shake my head sadly as I stare at my phone. Please, Christian, pick up the phone.
"Do you think he's mad, Kate?" I look at my dad who hasn't said a word since we left my mother's house. He is clutching the wooden box in his hands while he stares out of the window waiting for the plane to take off.
"Maybe he is busy. I know Elliot told me that he sometimes forgets he is working, ignores his phone and his family."
"That doesn't make sense, Kate. That's not the Christian I know. He was spending time with Fee and me. Fee is his number one priority and he asked me to call him and I did, but he hasn't responded and he has seen my messages…"
"Maybe he went out with Fee and he forgot his phone…" I know that it isn't the case. Christian has read all of my messages and he still hasn't reacted. My calls are going straight to his voicemail. I just know something is wrong.
Before boarding the plane, I send him one last message:
We just boarded the plane and are on our way back home. I miss you and I love you. XOX Ana.
After a restless dream, I wake up with a strange feeling. I feel that something is terribly wrong in Seattle. And when I realize that Sawyer wasn't at my mom's house when we left for the airport I know that Christian is avoiding me.
Christian
"Daddy…is Ana going to come back real soon?" My heart breaks when I watch Fee running towards the window. She presses her nose against the glass and waves goodbye to Ana. Ana waves back and blows her a kiss before stepping into Kate's Audi.
"Yes, she will be back real soon" I lift her up and pull her away from the window.
"What do you say if we go back home?"
"I like it here" She shrugs.
I smile at her and pull her close to me. "What do you say if we had a picnic?"
"Okay. But Mr. Elephant is still upstairs"
"Wait here for me and let me get Mr. Elephant for you" As I walk away from my daughter I can't help but notice the uncomfortable feeling that can't seem to leave my body. Ana fainted again. Is she sick? Is that what she is hiding? What was she trying to tell me before Kate interrupted us? Does it have anything to do with that poor excuse of her ex-boyfriend?
As I walk up the stairs I feel my phone vibrating in my back pocket. And even though I know it can't be Ana, I still check. Gabrielle? What the fuck does she want? Annoyed I decline the call and thrust my phone back in my pocket.
I ignore the door with the little heart ornaments and walk straight to Ana's bedroom. I grab Mr. Elephant and just when I am about to leave the room, my phone starts vibrating again. Hoping it is Ana I look at the incoming call and see that it is fucking Gabrielle again. Wasn't I clear enough the other day? What the fuck does she want? We had an agreement, sex…that was all. I was pretty clear from the start that I wasn't willing or able to give more. She wasn't either. So, what the hell does she want?
I glare at my phone until it stops ringing, and make my way to the doorway. I haven't even closed the door from Ana's bedroom when it starts ringing again. Gabrielle. It is time to put a stop to this.
"What the fuck do you want, Gabrielle!" I growl.
"Well that's not the way to greet a friend, Christian"
"Cut the crap, Gabrielle. I didn't know you were the clingy type. I introduced you to my girlfriend the other day…"
"Ah yes, your girlfriend…" She says sarcasm filling her voice. "What do you actually know about your girlfriend…Anastasia Steele isn't it?"
"Yes, her name is Anastasia Steele…" I reply with a roll of my eyes.
"Yes, I thought I recognized her face from somewhere and then I remembered she is a Victoria Secret's Model…"
"Look, Gabrielle, I don't know what kind of game you are playing, but what we had is fucking history. So if you don't mind, I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon with my daughter."
"You haven't answered my question, Christian. What do you actually know about your girlfriend?"
Why the fuck does everyone keep asking me this? Okay, this was the first time since I started GEH that I haven't run a background check, but I trusted Ana from the start. The idea of running a background check didn't even cross my mind.
"Gabrielle, I am sure that I know everything there is to know about Anastasia" I hope it sounds as convincing as intended, because at this point and seeing what happened this afternoon, I am not so sure.
"Anastasia Rose Steele was admitted to a mental health facility on May fifteen, three years ago." What the fuck?
"There is more, Christian. I just sent you the link. The link will give you access to an extended background check and her medical records"
"What the fuck, Gabrielle, that's a federal crime!"
She snorts, what irritates me immediately. It's not the sweet giggly snorting thing Ana does.
"I have connections, Christian, just like you do. I pulled some strings to help a friend." There is a short silence when I hear Fee calling.
"I don't think you want a woman who has been taking antidepressants since her teenage years to be around your daughter, Christian. There has to be a reason for her to be admitted to a mental care facility…she spent four months there. Something is seriously wrong with her and I am amazed she never told you anything. Don't you think she is deliberately hiding things from you?" I grit my teeth in annoyance when I hear the smugness in her voice.
"Just read the link I sent you," The line goes dead before I can tell her to go fuck herself. I have half a mind to call her and tell her just that when I hear Fee calling again.
"Daddy! Grandma and granddad are here! Hurry!"
"I'm coming!" Still reeling from the conversation with Gabrielle I pass the door with the little heart ornaments. I stop and linger in front of the door. I hear my parents entering and Fee's happy chattering. I hesitate, but my hand automatically seems to go to the doorknob. I expect the door to be locked for some reason, but before I know it I am standing halfway into the room.
The first thing I notice is the crème colored rug on the floor. When I slowly lift my head my chest constricts painfully when I read the name PHOEBE on the wall. The letters are pink and white with little bows around it. What the fuck!
I jerk my head back and that's when I see a little plaque that says "A little Princess is on her way"
"No. No. No…" I back away from the room and close the door. Leaning against the wall I feel my heart furiously pounding in my chest.
This can't be true. I am surely imagining things. What the hell is Ana doing with a room like this? And why the hell does Gabrielle feel the need to sent me a background check and her medical records?
I love Ana. I really fucking love her. There is no way Ana is a crazy bitch who is after my daughter. There is no fucking way. I intend to marry her, grow old with her and start a family when we are ready.
I can't seem to push away what Gabrielle said to me, though. "Something is seriously wrong with her…don't you think she is deliberately hiding things from you?"
I close my eyes tightly but retrieve my phone from my pocket with trembling hands. I immediately spot Gabrielle's email and with a shake of my head, I open it. I quickly skim the content of her background.
"No…God…no! God, please let this be a mistake" I mutter. I have to blink my eyes a few times to make sure the tears don't spill. But fuck, Gabrielle was right. Anastasia has been hiding things from me. A pregnancy to be exact.
Scrambling back on my feet, I quickly make my way downstairs. My mother immediately stops talking to Fee and her brows knit in confusion when she sees me.
"Christian, son…what's wrong? Are you sick?"
"Mom…" I choke. "I need…five minutes…"
"Son, what is going on?" My dad approaches me as if I were a wild animal, but somehow I am unable to tell them what I just saw.
What the fuck was that? A shrine? A room for Fee? Didn't she mention at the beginning that she loved the name Phoebe? Was everything a setup? Did she betray me like every other woman I've had in my life?
Pregnant. Ana was pregnant. She has been hiding a monumental fact from me. Why hide something like that from me?
Numbly I make my way to Ana's kitchen, trying to get as far away as possible from my parents, and slump down on one of the chairs. What the fuck is going on here? Resigned I let my head fall into my hands.
Where is her baby now?
"Christian…where is Ana?" I feel my mother's hand on my shoulder and I tense. What the fuck doesn't she understand that I need five fucking minutes?
"Fee told me she left? That Kate was also here? Fee told me that Ana was crying…and that…"
"Yes, mother! That's true!" I grit.
"Christian, why did she go? And where did she go? I mean, we could have been here sooner, but we hit a traffic jam, but it was only one hour ago that you called me telling me she had fainted."
"She went to her mother who lives in Georgia!"
"But why?" Why? Why? Why? I don't fucking know! Like I probably don't know half of who Anastasia Steele really is?
"Are you and Ana all right, Christian? Did you have a fight?" And there it is. The question of all mother fucking questions. Are Ana and I all right? After what I just saw? Far from it.
"No, mom…Ana and I aren't all right."
I hear her gasp but decide to ignore it. I need to get my shit together. First thing is to get Fee out of here as soon as possible. If Gabrielle was telling me the truth and Ana has been institutionalized, I need to get my daughter as far from her as possible.
"Mom, I need a favor" I spin around making her jump a little.
She nods her head while her eyes are wide and teary. " Something has come up…something I can't explain right now, because I am not sure I even understand it, but I need you to get Fee as far away from Seattle as you can." She opens her mouth to speak but I cut her off by holding up my hand.
"Please, mom…please"
"I'll see what I can do but Christian this is very short notice and …"
"It's only for a few days. I promise"
"Okay, we will take her to Montana" She breathes. "Let me talk to your father"
I nod my head and see her hesitate. "Is this about Ana? Is Fee in any danger?"
"I don't know" I whisper. "I just found out a few things and …I need to call Welch…"
"Daddy! Daddy! Where is Mr. Elephant?"
"Hey princess" I squat down until I am eye level with my beautiful little girl and kiss her little button nose. Her smiling grin makes me smile too and at this moment I am even more determined to protect her.
"Do you want to hear something fun?"
She nods her head eagerly and she clasps her little hands in front of her chest. Her eyes sparkling with excitement.
"Grandma and grandpa are going to take you on a little adventure to Montana!"
"Really?" She says excitedly.
"Are you coming too, daddy?"
"Daddy needs to work, but I promise to come in a few days, okay?"
"Okay. Then I need to call Ana and tell her I am going on a little vacation because she promised me we could go out for ice-cream, but we can't if she can't find me. Do you think she can find me in Montana?"
Not really knowing how to answer her question, I lift her up and hold her little body against mine. It is in that moment that I vow to myself that no one will ever take her away from me.
Sixteen hours later everything has been set in motion. Fee and my parents arrived in Montana a few hours ago. The moment my parents left I gave Taylor instructions to let Sawyer know he was no longer Ana's CPO and to get on the first flight back to Seattle. As far as I am concerned Anastasia doesn't need protection anymore.
The file with Anastasia's background check and the medical report that Gabrielle sent me chilled me to the bone. Anastasia Rose Steele had indeed been institutionalized in a mental health facility in New York. She had been there for four months.
Her obstetric history shows one pregnancy. It also stated that the child was deceased. However, Welch hasn't been able to find proof that her child was born or deceased. It is like the child never existed.
Her medical record reveals Anastasia's impressive use of antidepressants. She has been using them since she was 19 years old.
From the little information that Welch could find out, it seems that Anastasia did give birth to a child, however, we suspect that she gave birth to her daughter in some private clinic. Then someone helped her to get rid of her child, correction ... my child.
I grit my teeth when I see another incoming call from Ana. Her smiling face lights up the screen and I can't help but wonder how I could have been so fucking stupid. How could I have missed all the signs? They were there, just in front of me, and I was clueless. An idiot. From the first moment I saw her, I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. She bewitched me with her sad eyes and enchanting smile. The smile I thought was reserved only for me. But I know better now. I know she is a worthless human being. A mother who gave her daughter away. A mother who left her daughter as a foundling in a cold, empty underground garage. She is worse than the crack whore.
I have no idea what drove her to give up Fee. What I do know is that I cannot muster any respect for someone who so carelessly left her child with a complete stranger.
I sigh and lean in my chair slowly taking a sip of the bourbon when I see there is another message from Ana.
I just landed in Seattle. We need to talk. Please, tell me where you are, I know you have been reading my messages. Please. I love you.
This time I do reply.
I am at my house. And yes, we do need to talk.
Taking another deep breath I call Taylor and let him know to let Ana in the minutes she arrives and to bring her directly to my study. I also instructed him to stay close. I don't intend on spending much time with her. I don't think I can even manage to look at her face, let alone engage in a conversation for longer than 5 minutes. I also have no intention whatsoever to listen to her lies, I am merely tolerating her because I want her to be aware how I truly feel about her and that she is delusional if she thinks she can have Fee back.
Exactly thirty minutes later I hear footsteps approaching. I know it is Taylor with Anastasia, but I stay seated, focused on the spreadsheet in front of me.
"Thank you, Taylor" I close my eyes briefly after hearing her soft, trembling voice, but my mind immediately goes back to everything I've read in her medical record. Anastasia Steele is nothing but a deceiving, toxic, cold-hearted human being.
"Christian?" She lingers in the doorway and I wish I hadn't looked up. She looks exhausted. Her normally beautiful blue eyes are clouded with something I can decipher. Tears are slowly falling from her eyes and her face crumbles, even more, when I don't acknowledge her right away.
"Christian…we need to talk…I should have told you sooner…" Apprehensively she takes a few steps towards my desk and places her hand on the edge.
"What is it that you wanted to tell me, Anastasia?" She looks shocked and hurt when I lift my face fully to look at her.
"Christian, what's wrong? Where is…Fee…Phoebe?"
The mentioning of the name Phoebe has me bolting from my chair. "Her name is Fee. Phoebe was the name her worthless piece of shit mother gave to her."
"H-her mother wasn't…I'm her mother, Christian. I am Phoebe's mother." She breathes.
"You call yourself her mother?" I spit out, taking one step closer until we are standing toe to toe. Despite the fact that she is a super-model, I still tower over her.
A sob escapes her and she covers her mouth with her hands. "What are you talking about…I…please let me explain…I…Kate…my mother…it was her who…"
"Stop with the lies, Anastasia! I am sick and tired of being lied to!" I bellow.
"After everything, I found out about you, read about you, I can't even stand to look at you. You are worthless! How do you dare to call yourself a mother? A mother doesn't leave her child abandoned!"
"It wasn't me…you have to believe me!" She sobs. "P-please hear me out…" She reaches out to touch my hand and I flinch.
"Don't ever fucking touch me again. You and I are over. There is the door. Get out!"
"No! Phoebe is mine!" She is becoming frantic. Her eyes wide as saucers, her hands clenched into fists.
"You gave up your rights when you fucking abandoned her!"
"I didn't abandon her!" She yells back. "She told me my baby had died!" She is looking around the room searching for something.
"Where is she?" She whispers. "Where is Phoebe?"
"Far away from you and your crazy lies!" I take a few steps away from her. "Ana get out. Get the fuck out of my home and my life. I don't want you near my daughter, my family or me."
"No…no…I am not giving her up. I've lived three years with the notion that my daughter was dead… I am not giving her up…please let me see her, let me hold her, please I beg you…I missed so many years, so many milestones…please"
"Is that what you made yourself believe after you were institutionalized?" I say with a cold laugh. "That she was taken away from you?"
"No…" She whispers. Her body is trembling like a leaf and the tears can't seem to stop falling from her dull lifeless eyes.
"Or maybe your mind was screwed up from all those antidepressants you have been taking?"
"How..how do you know…" She sobs. "No one knows that I was in a mental health facility…only Kate and my dad…" Sobs are raking her body, but instead of wanting to hold her, comfort her and make everything go away, I want to get rid of her as soon as possible.
"You call it a mental health facility?" I say in a mocking tone. "I call it the crazy house! Now I don't like to repeat myself, get the fuck out of my home and my life."
She falls on her knees and wraps her hands around her waist. "I slid and fell from the stairs…"
"Taylor!" I bellow hard enough to drown out her voice.
Three seconds and the door opens. "Please escort Ms. Steele out of my home."
"Sir"
I turn around to face the window when I see Taylor crouching in front of her. "No…I don't want to leave…please, Taylor…you have to b-believe me…Phoebe is mine…she was taken f-from me…"
"Please, Ms. Steele…" I turn around when I hear Taylor's apologetic tone of voice. What the fuck? Did he forget who he works for?
Ana is nodding while Taylor helps her up to her feet. Then she locks eyes with me, her eyes now full of life and her jaw set and determined.
"She is mine and I will move heaven and earth to prove that to you. And I won't stop until I am holding my girl in my arms. She is mine, Christian and you took her away from me"