AN: Here we go, another little chapter.
I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think!
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Tyreese was quiet when he stepped out on the front porch of the little house and found Carol, sitting in the rocker, rocking Judith who was long gone from the world and dancing around in whatever little dream world it was that children could occupy these days.
He took Judith gently out of her arms and disappeared inside and Carol kept rocking in the quieter of the two rockers and looking out into the darkness.
Daryl hadn't come…and she couldn't help but worry. There was no telling if he'd decided to stay with the group…or if he'd gotten lost…or if his group had found him and stopped him somehow.
And it brought an unease over her because she didn't know what to think or how to feel about his absence.
For so long they'd become accustomed to just thinking that there was no one else…that the only people they even knew were each other…that now, to know that Daryl was out there was a little unnerving all to itself. It shook, in a lot of ways, the foundation of the comfort that Carol had found in the life that she considered hers now.
Because there were others out there…and not just others. There was Daryl out there somewhere, and after so much time he'd said things to her that her mind could almost convince her now, in his absence, were nothing more than things that she'd made up.
If it weren't for the fact that her body ached from the run she'd made earlier, she might believe, in fact, that she'd just had some kind of very vivid dream or hallucination.
When Tyreese came back out, he settled into the creaking rocker at her side and started up the squeak and moan of the piece of furniture before he ever spoke.
"Are you cold?" He asked.
Carol hummed at him and shook her head, but she wrapped the shawl she was wearing around her a little tighter in an absentminded response to the question. She wasn't cold at all, but the shawl was comfortable and she was wearing it mostly for that.
"I don't know if he's coming," Carol said softly.
Tyreese hummed.
"If he's not here by now…he's probably not coming tonight," Tyreese said. "Walkers are getting more active and it's always worse after dark. He knows that…and it's easier to travel with light at any rate."
Carol knew that he was right. Daryl would have stopped, wherever he'd ended up if he was heading in this direction, and stayed somewhere for the night when it started to get dark. He didn't know where he was going…it was easy to get lost when you could see your hand in front of your face, so it was much easier if you couldn't.
And he wouldn't take the chance with the Walkers…because, unlike living people, they seemed not to suffer any change in vision at all at night…and they seemed to grow more active, whether it was their imaginations or not suggesting that they did.
"Tyreese…" Carol started after a moment.
He hummed that he'd heard her.
"Daryl knew…about Rick leaving me," Carol said. "He knew…well…I guess that means that he knew what I did…"
Tyreese hummed again.
"I figured he did," Tyreese said.
The creaking of his rocker increased slightly.
"Why would you say that?" Carol asked.
"I told you about the rat," Tyreese said after a moment of silence. "The one that we found at the prison? That Lizzie had dissected?"
Carol hummed to push him on. She'd heard his stories more than once and he'd heard hers more than once.
Because even if they were uncomfortable stories, they got hashed and rehashed every now and again…especially in the context of trying to rid oneself of the images that could be especially haunting at night.
"Well," Tyreese continued, "just when I was showing it to them…to Rick and Daryl…that's when the Governor came…they wanted to talk to me…"
"They were going to tell you…" Carol offered.
"That's what I think," Tyreese said. "Rick told Daryl…they were going to tell me…"
"Daryl knows that I did it," Carol said. "But he didn't say anything…"
"What is he going to say?" Tyreese asked. "If I can forgive you…and you know I do…what has Daryl really got to say about the whole thing?"
Carol sighed.
She didn't know what Daryl might think. Now it seemed so long ago that she'd killed Karen and David, that it seemed like they were completely removed from it.
She'd done what she thought she needed to do, and she still wasn't convinced that it hadn't been the right thing to do, even if it was something that haunted her. She never wanted to be a killer…it wasn't something she could say she aspired to…but things had to be done.
And Carol and Tyreese both understood very well that things had to be done…difficult things. And you weren't always going to feel like you did the right thing or the best thing, but sometimes you just had to keep living and knowing that you'd done the only thing you could.
"I don't know," Carol admitted. "Maybe he's got nothing to say about it…maybe he doesn't think any worse of me…"
Tyreese chuckled somewhat ironically after a moment.
"What?" Carol asked.
"Well…if he talked to Rick, which we know he did…judging by Rick's line of thinking he thinks I'm a cold blooded, irrational killer too…after all, wasn't that what Rick said? I would kill you?" Tyreese said.
Carol sucked in a breath.
Yes, among other things, that was Rick had said. He'd said it like he'd known what he was talking about…he'd said it with such assurance. Even Carol had believed him to some degree, and she was sorry now for having doubted Tyreese in that way.
"I'm sure that Daryl knows you're not a killer," Carol said. "He knows we've been together for all this time…if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it by now."
"And he knows you're not a killer if he knows you're with me and Judith," Tyreese said. "If you were…I might not have survived that infection…"
Carol knew that Tyreese wasn't really trying to make a joke out of the whole situation, but the tone in his voice did suggest that he was trying to lighten the mood a little, perhaps, and it worked. Carol laughed lightly at the thought and silence fell between them before she let her mind sink back into just one tiny pocket of all the thoughts that she was trying to sort through.
"He doesn't know about Mika and Lizzie," Carol said.
And there was silence…because probably Tyreese needed a moment to think about it as well.
He sighed after a moment.
"There's nothing for anyone to say about that either," Tyreese said. "That wasn't you…that was us. And it was the only thing that we could do…it's not easy…but…it was the only thing."
Carol didn't argue the point with him at all.
Sometimes she felt like it was more her fault than Tyreese's…everything that had happened with the girls. She was a mother…at least once she had been…and she should have known that something was wrong with Lizzie. She should have known that it was something much more terrible than what she suspected.
Because she'd known that something was a little off about the girl, of course, but she'd accredited her behavior to simply what she'd experienced. She was growing up in a time and a place that was difficult for adults…so it could only be so much more challenging for children who hadn't yet learned to even understand the things that adults could understand, less likely could they understand the things that even as an adult you simply couldn't explain.
But Carol hadn't seen it coming and she hadn't been able to protect Mika. She'd been the one to pull the trigger, even though she'd had Tyreese's support, and she'd been the one to end Lizzie's life. He was with her on what had to be done and he'd supported her through it…but she was the one who would carry forever the brunt of the weight.
And she didn't know if Daryl would understand what had happened…or if he even could understand…because it wouldn't be an easy thing to swallow. It hadn't been an easy thing to swallow.
"Carol…if you don't want to tell him what happened," Tyreese said, "we don't have to tell him. We don't have to tell him anything about it. We can keep that between us. No one else has to know."
Carol didn't respond verbally, but she appreciated what he was saying. It was her choice. If she wanted Daryl to know, then he'd know…but Tyreese wasn't going to be the one to bring it up.
"Tyreese…" Carol started again after she let silence fall once again between them. "There's something else…something I wanted to talk to you about."
"Yeah?" Tyreese asked, picking up the creaking once more with the slight movement of his leg to push the chair.
"When I was with Daryl…" Carol stopped talking and thought about it.
She wasn't sure what to tell Tyreese about Daryl's confession. Honestly she knew that she didn't have to tell him anything…really and truly it wasn't something that she had to share with him…but she also felt like she needed to tell him what had happened…because she wasn't so sure anymore what he thought about their relationship…and she wasn't so sure what she thought about it either.
"When I was with Daryl," she started again, "he…said something to me that I wasn't expecting…he said that he loved me…and that he'd been looking for me."
Tyreese stilled the rocking motion of his chair for a moment and then resumed it with the full force of before.
"Did you know?" Tyreese asked after a second.
"No…I didn't…" Carol admitted.
"Do you…love him?" Tyreese asked.
Carol sucked in a breath and rocked her own chair with her foot to give her body a way to release some of the nervous energy that it was storing…some of the energy that would keep her from sleeping tonight, even if she wanted to.
"I do," she said finally. "I have…for a long time."
Tyreese hummed.
"So it wasn't your husband…" He said.
Carol looked at him, though his silhouette was all she could really make out…and likely most of what he could make out of her if he looked.
"My husband?" She asked.
"Mmm hmmm…" Tyreese hummed. "I thought…that you weren't ready…that you were uncomfortable with me because of your husband. I thought…you might still be in love with him…"
Tyreese broke off and turned in his chair so that he was facing Carol.
"But it wasn't your husband," Tyreese said.
Carol shook her head. She hadn't really realized that was what might be going on with her and with her feelings about advancing a relationship with Tyreese…but now that he put it that way, so simply and so matter of factly, she didn't feel like it was a theory that she could object outright.
"No…it wasn't my husband," Carol said. She sighed again, running through the thoughts that she'd been circling through during the day while she waited to see if Daryl might come and she'd considered how to breach the topic with Tyreese. "I never knew that he loved me," Carol added after a moment. "I always thought that he was looking…for something…better, I guess."
Tyreese chuckled next to her.
"He'd be hard pressed to find it," Tyreese said.
Carol smiled softly to herself and accepted the compliment for what it was. Once upon a time she'd fought Tyreese over compliments such as that…but she'd learned that was his way and she might as well accept them…besides, it always did make you feel better to hear them.
"When I first got to the prison," Tyreese offered after a moment, "I thought that the two of you were a couple…"
Carol laughed to herself over the idea of it.
"I did…" Tyreese added. "I even asked a couple of people if you were…but then, after a while…when there seemed to be nothing happening…I just figured that you were very good friends."
"We were," Carol said. "I…guess I quit expecting more a long time ago."
"But now you're expecting more?" Tyreese asked.
"He said he loved me…and I think he means it," Carol said. "And…I love him…but I don't know what I'm expecting. Sometimes it's better not to expect anything…then you're not disappointed."
Tyreese chuckled lightly.
"That's the truth," he said.
He rocked forward in his chair and got up quickly.
"Tyreese…" Carol said, catching his attention before he could go inside, since that's where he was clearly headed and where Carol knew she should be headed too. "You're not…mad…are you?"
"Does he make you happy?" Tyreese asked.
Carol didn't know if she could answer that question.
The thought of Daryl had once made her happy…but then she'd resigned herself to the fact that he wouldn't love her…at least not the way she wanted him to love her…and she'd let go of the notion almost entirely. Now she couldn't say that he did or he didn't make her happy because she felt, still, so far removed from him.
She thought, though, that she knew what Tyreese was asking…and for that there was only really the most simplistic of answers necessary.
"Yes," Carol said. "I think he would make me happy…at least."
Tyreese nodded his head, looming somewhat near her in the darkness as he stood by the chair that he'd recently gotten out of.
"I think…" Tyreese said, "that there's very little happiness left in this world. So if you've found something that makes you happy…I'm not going to deny you whatever it is. But…if he doesn't make you happy…if he doesn't want to make you happy…I can say that I'm not going anywhere…my place is with you and Judith."
Tyreese walked to the screen door of the house and pulled it open before he stopped and spoke again.
"You should come…get some sleep," he said. "He won't be coming tonight."