The last chapter was short, much shorter than my typical chapter, but hopeful the speed at which this chapter was released as well as it's length will make it up to you all. Enjoy!
Olivia wanted to scream! It was all too much, they way everyone watched her every second of the day, like she was crazy. Like she was going to just suddenly go insane and jump out the window or run into a crowd of walkers. As it was, everyone with the exception of Carl, who was sitting there watching her on his father's orders, was downstairs talking about her right now. They were all talking about what to do with her. She could hear pieces of their conversation. Not that they were trying to keep it down. Oh no, not at all, and especially not Daryl.
"How could you leave her alone upstairs with the baby and with weapons!" His voice sounded oddly disjointed as it floated out of the air vent. "I leave to go hunting for a few hours and I walk in and find her and Penny alone with a stack of knives!"
Hershel tried to calm him down, "Daryl, she's not going to hurt the baby or herself. Olivia's been taking her medication everyday and she's working on getting better."
"Well she's not, is she?" Shane chimed in. "It's been five weeks since the farm and she's the same as she was."
Carol protested. "That's not true. She is getting better. Her moods are more stable and she's taking more of an interest in Penny…"
Shane cut her off, "That's debatable. It seems like every time I see that kid she's being held by someone who's not Olivia."
"Look," said Hershel, "Olivia's doing everything that she's supposed to be doing, taking her meds, watching the baby. The fact is that this type of thing takes time. She's not even on the maintenance dose of the medication yet. It's got to get increased slowly, though I've been increasing it a little faster than what's recommended."
"Look, I don't want her left alone like that," Daryl said, bringing the conversation back to the original issue. "It's not safe."
Olivia's teeth clenched at that last remark. What did Daryl know? He was gone most of the time. As soon as they found a place to settle into for a few days he took off. He was always out hunting or looking for supplies. Even when he was around they barely talked.
Frustrated, Olivia picked up Penny and pushed herself off the bed and marched downstairs. As she came into the room, the conversation quieted. "If y'all are going to have a conversation about me, don't you think I should be invited to it?" she asked, taking the time to look each person in the eye. T-Dog and Beth at least had the good graces to look ashamed, but everyone else just looked at her. "All of you are sitting here talking about this like you know something about it and you don't."
She turned to Shane. "You say that everyone is always holding Penny and that's true. But everyone always comes and asks to take her, I'm not going around trying to pass her off. And you... Daryl, I'm just fine to be alone with my baby in a room. In fact, it's nice to be alone with her and try to spend a little quiet time. Everyone's always so busy staring at me that I feel like a freak show half the time. Carol and Hershel are the only ones that actually talk to ME about this, the rest of you just assume that you know what's going on. Do you really think Hershel would let me be alone with Penny if it wasn't safe? That I'd really hurt her?" Olivia's voice broke and tears started to stream down her face. Taking a deep breath she pushed though the emotions. "It's things like this that don't help and I would appreciate it in the future if you all wouldn't talk about me behind my back."
With that she turned and left the room. Walking down the hall, her vision was so clouded by tears that she could barely see where she was going. When she reached the end of the hall she turned into what used to be a living room but was now cleared of most of the furniture in order to make room for the sleeping bags that were currently piled in the corner. Olivia settled into one of the chairs that had been left by the fireplace and did her best to ignore the ruckus that was coming out of the room she had just left. The heat from the fire was comforting, and she took a few shaky breaths to help herself calm down.
She knew someone would be along shortly, but she thought it would be Hershel or Carol. She sure didn't expect it to be Rick who pulled up a chair next to her a few minutes later. She waited for him to say whatever it was he was going to say, but he didn't seem in a hurry, instead he stared into the fire.
She was starting to get nervous when he finally spoke, and the words that came out were the last thing she expected to hear.
"You're right, about everything you're right." Slowly Rick turned to look at her. "I'm sorry for that meeting, we never should have been talking about you like that. It's just that…" he took a deep breath. "We're all concerned about you. You don't look good, you keep losing weight, and it seems like you're just going through the motions half the time."
Olivia stretched her feet out towards the fire, hoping to warm them a little. "You want the honest answer?" Rick nodded. "Most of the time I am just going through the motions. But I'm hoping that one day I won't be. I'm hoping that one day, when someone says something to me, that I'll want to talk to them. Or that maybe someday soon the thought of just helping fix dinner wouldn't be so overwhelming. Going through the motions now will help me later on."
Rick cocked his head slightly to one side and drew his eyebrows together. "I guess I can understand that. I have to say though, that this, whatever we're doing now, isn't working." Rick stared quietly into the fire. "What do you think would help you?" he asked.
Olivia sat back, surprised. "You know, you're the first person to ask me that. I haven't even thought about it. I guess I've just been letting everyone tell me what was best." She closed her eyes for a moment as she thought about it. "I guess if people stop taking Penny all the time. Not never watch her," she hastened to add, "But not all the time. Hershel says that I should be trying to bond with her more, but I can't do that if she's always with everyone else. Maybe everyone could wait till I ask or only take her if we're sitting down together."
"That makes sense," Rick said. "Anything else?"
"Give me some space, if I want to be alone for a little while, let me be alone. I wasn't kidding when I said sometimes I feel like a freak show the way everyone watches me so close. Hershel checks in with me a couple of times a week and we talk about everything. You have to trust that if there's a serious issue that Hershel or I will say something."
"I think we can do that. But I'd like to ask you to do something too. You have to eat more," Rick said quickly. "Hershel said that's the one thing he's really worried about."
Olivia sighed. "I know, but it's hard. I don't have much of an appetite and when I eat it's like people are counting every bite I have."
"If that's how you feel maybe you should eat alone. It's not going to possible all the time but do you think you would want to try that?" Rick asked. "As long as you promise not to dump your food somewhere, I don't think that'll be a problem."
Olivia pursed her lips as she thought about it. "Why not?" She decided. "It can't hurt." She looked at Rick for a moment then raised her right hand. "I solemnly swear not to dump my food anywhere." An impish grin played on her lips.
Rick started laughing. "You got a deal." Soberly he added, "If you think of anything else you need, just let me know. I really do want to help." He got up to leave.
Olivia reached out and grabbed his hand. "I know you do, I appreciate it. And Rick?" she added as he went to move away. "You know, the fact that I don't always feel like talking doesn't mean I can't listen. In fact it kind of means the opposite. At least you know I'm not going to tell anyone else what you said." She gave his hand a quick squeeze and let it go, turning her attention to Penny who picked that moment to start fussing.
Olivia was still in the same chair a while later when Carol came into the room carrying a plate of food for her. Quietly she said, "Rick told us that you were going to be eating by yourself for a while and I thought I'd bring you this."
Taking the dish from Carol, Olivia said, "You didn't have to bring it to me, I would have come and gotten it." It concerned her how withdrawn the older woman seemed.
Carol shrugged. "It's not a problem. Just let me know if you need anything."
"Will you sit down for a moment?" Olivia asked indicating the chair Rick had sat in earlier. As soon as Carol was seated she continued. "I just wanted to say thank you for saying what you did earlier. I heard you trying to defend me. It meant a lot, you've been a good friend to me Carol. I appreciate everything you've done for me."
Carol stared at Olivia for a moment and then smiled. "I've been happy to do it. Anything you need, you just give a holler." Carol stood to go and impulsively bent down and kissed the top of Olivia's head. "When you're done, you know where to find us."
Surprisingly, without everyone watching her, it had been easier to eat. Not every forkful felt as though it was being marked off on some invisible tally board. Even though Carol had dished her up far more than she normally took, Olivia had managed to put a large dent into it. Feeling somewhat hopeful for the first time in a long time, she rose to bring her plate back.
As she stepped into the dining room her mood diminished somewhat. Conversation ground to a halt and almost everyone's eyes immediately fell to her dinner plate. However, when Rick shot her a large grin seeing the results, Olivia couldn't help but return a small one. He turned his attention back to his own meal and cleared his throat loudly, indicating everyone else should do the same as well.
"I have some leftovers if anyone wants," Olivia said as if everyone didn't know. Food was too scarce now to throw anything out, even food that had been part of someone else's meal. "I'll just put it here, you guys can help yourself," she said as she set the plate down on the edge. Unwittingly, her eyes darted over to Daryl. His jaw was clenched and he was looking straight down at his own plate. Olivia felt disappointed. She thought he'd be happy that she'd eaten so much but he was obviously still upset about earlier.
"Why don't you join us?" Beth asked.
"Oh," Olivia said, somewhat taken back, she hadn't been expecting the invite. "I thought I'd start to do the dishes seeing how I didn't help make dinner."
"There is no clean up tonight," said Carol. "We found some of that disposable aluminum bake ware and used that."
Olivia really didn't want to sit there and watch other people eat, not tonight. "Well maybe I'll just go wash up instead."
"The water in the kettle should still be warm and there's water in the bathroom down here." Maggie said, her voice kind.
Grabbing the kettle that was sitting by the fireplace, Olivia hurried off to grab some fresh clothes and headed to the bathroom. As soon as she shut the door behind her, she sighed with relief. That had been so awkward, people hadn't quite met her eyes, instead staring off over her shoulder, or had been just a little too nice. Oh well, things were bound to be a little strange at first in situations like this, but it was going to get better.
Gently Olivia laid Penny on the floor, being careful not to jostle her awake. Striking a match, Olivia lit the candles that were in the bathroom and poured some water into a basin that was sitting in the sink. Quickly she stripped down and started to wash. It wasn't until she happened to catch a glimpse of her reflection in the full length mirror that hung on the back of the bathroom door that she stopped.
She didn't even look like herself anymore. While she could never have been described as curvy, she had also never been anywhere near as thin as she was now. Her hip bones protruded and there was almost no fat on her ribs. In fact, with the exception of her breasts, her entire body was bordering on gaunt. Even her hair hung lifeless and dull. Olivia realized that this was the first time that she actually looked at herself in a mirror since leaving the farm.
Not liking the reflection she saw, Olivia turned away. There wasn't much that she could do about her body this instant, but there was something else that she could take care of.
"You cut it," Daryl's voice called out from behind her. Olivia straightened from where she had been tucking her dirty clothes into her bag.
Self-consciously she fingered the ends of her hair, where it now fell just above her shoulders. She hadn't meant to, but... "I was washing it, and it was just so bulky. I saw a pair of scissors on the counter and well…. I cut it."
Daryl nodded but didn't say anything else. Looking down at the floor he stuck his hands in his pockets and shuffled his feet back and forth. Olivia couldn't help but think he looked like a little boy that had just been called to the principal's office. Knowing that he'd say whatever it was in his own time, she turned back to packing her bag back up. She was zipping it up when finally he spoke.
"Liv, I'm sorry for what happened earlier, if I made things worse."
She turned to look at him. "I know," was all she said. Crossing the room she wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest. Daryl immediately folded his arms around her, pulling her in tighter.
Olivia breathed in deeply, taking in his scent. She had missed him, more than she realized. Pulling away slightly, she gazed up at him. "What do you say we get the munchkin and go join everyone else?"
"You want to?" he asked, his voice confused. At her questioning look he continued. "I just thought that after today, maybe you'd want to be alone a little bit."
She sighed, "Honestly, I would. But I've been alone more in the last three hours than I have in the last three weeks. I don't want people to start thinking that they can't come around me anymore. I still have to be part of this group, and what's more important, I want to be."
Giving her one last squeeze, Daryl dropped his arms. "Alright, let's go be part of the group."
Sure enough, it was uncomfortable the moment Olivia and Daryl stepped into the room. But Olivia held her head high and she and Daryl squeezed in on the couch next to Beth and Carl. After a few minutes though, conversations started back up. As usual, Olivia was content to sit and listen to what others were saying around her. For that reason she was probably more aware of what was going on than everyone else.
She knew Lori and Shane had been together but she had thought that it was over. Lately though, she was seeing them whispering about things, or exchange little touches. Tonight, she couldn't help but notice Lori and Shane glancing at each other on a regular basis. When their eyes met, smiles would flash across their faces before being quickly stifled. After one such incident, Shane glanced around the room and Olivia knew he had seen her glancing back and forth between him and Lori. His eyes narrowed and there was a hard set to his jaw.
"Hey," she said to Daryl. "Do you think you can take Penny for a moment? I have to run to the bathroom." Not giving him a chance to respond, she thrust the bundled up baby into Daryl's arms.
It wasn't a lie exactly, she did have to go….a little. She just didn't want any type of confrontation with Shane tonight, there had been enough drama today to last for a while.
She took her time and when she returned, Beth was holding Penny. "Here you go," she said, hastily moving to give the baby back to Olivia.
"Actually, would you mind holding her for a little while? She's starting to get heavy and my arms feel like they're going to fall off."
"Sure," Beth beamed. "If you want her back though, just let me know." Softly she began to sing in a beautiful clear voice.
Olivia smiled, enjoying the song and resumed her scanning of the room. From the way Rick was looking at his wife, Olivia had a feeling she wasn't the only one that had noticed what was going on between Lori and Shane.
For the next hour Olivia listened to conversations, spoke when spoken to, and watched as Penny got passed from one person to the next. It seems as though everyone was trying to get their fill of cuddling the baby in. Almost as if they were afraid Olivia wasn't going to give them another chance to hold her. She wondered what Rick had said to them after their talk.
It was almost a relief when Penny started to fuss. Olivia was exhausted from the trying day and had been looking for an excuse to head to bed for a while. Gathering up her daughter, Olivia brought her into the other room to nurse. She could have nursed her in with everyone else, heaven knew she'd done it often enough, but tonight she wanted a little quiet. She threw some more wood on the fire and then grabbed her pillow and settled back into the chair. As Penny feed, Olivia's eyes grew heavy and she began to doze.
It was the feeling of a hand on her shoulder that had her eyes jerking open. Daryl's blue eyes met her green ones. "Come on," he said, his hand out. "Time for you to go to bed."
She shifted a now sleeping Penny and let Daryl pull her to her feet. She took a step to retrieve her sleeping bag and Penny's sleeping basket before she realized he'd already moved out the other chair and laid out her things right by the fireplace. It was one of the most coveted spots since the weather had started to get cold, but the others typically let her sleep in the spots closest to the fire. It was not so much for her, but for Penny. The baby was still so little that she needed the extra warmth of the fire.
Grateful that Daryl had taken care of her bed she flashed him a smile of thanks. Quickly she tucked Penny in and sank down onto the floor. As she pulled off her boots, she watched as he moved the other chair out of the way and then grabbed his bedroll. Instead of claiming the spot next to her though, he went all the way into the back corner.
After the emotional rollercoaster of the day, the thought of him being so far away bothered her. She needed her best friend. "Daryl?" she called out softly. "Would you mind coming to sleep up here with me? I… I could use the company tonight."
He paused for a moment then sighed and gathered his things and dumped them on the floor next to her. "Here," she said as she unzipped her sleeping bag. "We can use this as a bottom and share your blankets for the top. That way we can share body heat as well." Plus she could cuddle up next to him, but she didn't say that out loud.
Quickly she spread his blankets out over the sleeping bag and climbed into bed. She lay on her back and waited for Daryl to lie down too. When he did, he did so without touching an inch of her skin. He was so close that she felt the heat from his body, but not his body itself. Tonight, that was not enough for her, she needed to be held.
Turning over she grabbed his arm and pulled it up and placed it above her head. She inched closer to him, until she was pressed up next to his side and laid her head on his shoulder. Daryl's arm reached around to pull her closer of its' own volition. Her right hand settled upon his chest even as her leg threaded through his.
The contact was exactly what she wanted, what she needed tonight. Before she knew it, she was drifting back off to sleep, at ease knowing that he was there.
I realized I hadn't said hello and thank you to all of you that decided to search out my story and follow it even in my absence so I'm saying it now. I also want to give a shout out to those who have found this since I've begun posting again, you know who you are!
To fanficgirl10 and DarylDixon'sLover, thanks for the reviews.
Now, I had today, strike that, yesterday (it's very late here), off from work and wrote four, yes FOUR chapters including this one(One had some pretty heavy petting in it), Now, I could be persuaded to come home and work my little tail off to edit and post the next chapter today as well, but I want to hear ALL OF YOU say that YOU WANT IT!
Yes, this is a shameless bid for reviews, but since many of you seem to be adverse to reviewing, (100 of you read the last chapter yesterday but only two reviewed) I have decided that I'm not above a little blackmail. If you want to read it... I want to hear it. So people, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!