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She hadn't quite remembered how long ago she had recieved the phone call but none the less, she felt as though time would never move forward. It was as if she was stuck in this one terrible day forever, suspended in the very worst of her misery.

Hitomi had been lying on her bed for hours, she hadn't found any motivation to get her up; it would take a miracle to move her from that spot. She felt as though her stomach had shrivelled up and her heart was literally breaking. All her thoughts had slipped away from her and her mind remained vacant. All she could do was cry; there was nothing else, no other refuge she could take to, nothing would change what happened. The anger had left long ago, leaving nothing but a void. She had been furious initially, but when the news had really settled her anger had escaped her and dispair had replaced it. Anger would have been better, that way she would have been able to get up and move, but this sadness was stiffening.

It was as if a weight had been dropped on her that was nailing her to the bed. This horrible anguish had her not wanting to move from the spot that she fell. Her life had crumbled beneath her and she was stuck beneath it, and was terrified she wouldn't ever be able to get out from underneath. She had stupidly fallen in love with a drug addict, and stupidly tried to stop him, and ultimately he had chosen his poison over her. That was the basic idea of it, but she wasn't able to let herself believe that he loved drugs more than he loved her. She also didn't want to remember him bitterly just to console herself, there was far more to love about him than to hate.

When Dylan had started crying she wasn't able to look at him, she wasn't even able to leave her room, for fear of seeing his little face. She had struggled to get to the phone to call her mother, to come and take him, there had been no explanation but her mother came over anyway. Once Dylan was gone, she was in the house alone and there was nothing she could do or say to change things.

The silence had been deafening. A house that had always been filled with some kind of music, had fallen silent. Not even the creak of a floorboard was heard, that horrible silence that allowed her to know full well that the music was gone.

Hitomi was now a widow and single mother. The thought plagued her, she hadn't wanted this day to come for a long time, and the fact that it had come so early had her completely thrown off. Everything had gone wrong; she was left in the middle of an empty street not knowing which way led home. She couldn't remember any time when she had cried as long or as hard, her life had been torn apart by the seams and she was only twenty four years old. The damage was done, her life would never be the same. She had just lost the very reason for her existence.

She let out a painful laugh as she thought about her neighbour not having a thing to say to her anymore. It was impossible to cope under these circumstances, she couldn't see anything straight, her rational thought had left her mind and she was stuck in a terrible purgatory. This was closer to Hell.

Suddenly the phone rang. Hitomi hadn't wanted to pick it up but something compelled her to. With a tremendous effort she picked herself up and answered the phone, "what?"

Her voice was quiet and raspy from crying so much, and she didn't really care.

"Hitomi?" he asked, it was Folken.

Hitomi had no idea that he had been the one to introduce Van to cocaine, so she found a small kind of solace in hearing his voice.

"Folken," she whispered, new tears welling up.

"I'm sorry," he said with incredible sincerity.

"Thank you," she sniffed, "but I'm sure you're having a hard time right now too."

He was silent for a second, "yeah."

"Folken?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

"What am I going to do... What the hell do I do now?" she had fallen into hysterics.

"I don't know," he said, which was the best answer he could give her. She preferred his blunt honesty rather than trying to make up a flowery lie.

Hitomi was silent, she didn't know what to say now.

"Hitomi, I gave it to him," Folken confessed.

Hitomi felt her stomach hollow, she knew exactly what he was talking about, but wanted to prove herself wrong, " what?"

"The cocaine..." he said.

"You gave him Cocaine!" she practically screamed, "what the fuck! Is the entire Fanel family fucking stupid!"

Folken remained quiet, she had every right to get this angry.

"You knew he would take it, you knew he was an addict, you knew! You fucking knew and you stillgave it to him!" Hitomi had started crying again, as her sentence broke off.

"Hitomi--" Folken tried.

"If you ever--ever come here again I will have you arrested. Don't you ever come near your nephew either," she seethed as she slammed the phone down.

At this point all she wanted to do was find something to kill herself with, after she killed Folken. She wanted to get as far away from this whole situation as she possibly could. She wanted to reverse getting pregnant, she wanted to reverse getting engaged, she wanted to reverse ever meeting Van and his family. Although, the more she thought about him and his family, the more depressed she got because she knew she adored them endlessly.

Four years ago she had met Van when he was playing a show right there in Long Beach. He had been high of course, but he had her as soon as he looked at her.

She had been brought there against her will, by her friend Millerna who had been absolutely gone on Allen. Since then she had met Dryden though, and somehow lost interest in the dreamy blonde. At the time however, Millerna had wanted to see Allen any time that she could, thus she brought Hitomi along with her.

When Hitomi had seen Van, she knew he was high because she had known it well from her parents smoking. That was her first thought, but as soon as she saw his face she thought she had been high herself. He had been almost too beautiful to look at, as the thought registered she kicked herself. The last thing she wanted was too fall for a guy who smoked, she never would have guessed she would be pregnant with his child only three years later.

The first thing he had said to her had been burned into her memory, and would now be there forever. He had been about to take a toke from a communal joint but he dropped it before it reached his lips. Hitomi had been sitting a bit behind him so she wasn't quite in his periphery. So as he went to pick up the joint, he saw her.

"Those shrooms I had earlier are really kicking in now guys! This is the best hallucination I've ever had... man I wish you were real..."

A week into their relationship she had given in and up to him and willingly slept with him. When Hitomi had told Millerna she had almost wet herself, since Hitomi was probably the last person she would have thought to sleep with Van. Their relationship from thre had been rocky; there were several fights that had been quite difficult, but in the end they were never able to stay angry at each other. They had been a tumultuous couple at the beginning, but as they learned more about each other they became soulmates. No matter how mad they were, they never stayed that way.

There had been a pregnancy scare when they were first starting, and both of them had been terrified of what the other's parents would say. Van had been killing himself for even touching her, while she was killing herself for not thinking of protection. In the end they had both reacted too extremely, their parents had both been perfectly okay with it, even when it turned out she wasn't. Van had been a little disappointed when they got the news of the false alarm, but ultimately things had worked out for the best.

Hitomi hadn't even been old enough to drink legally, and she knew that her life was set with a pot smoker. Now she wasn't even old enough to be a mother and there she was: a single mother.

She had been so taken by him, and so immediately. The fact that he was three years older than her had no relevance, they had begun their relationship as soon as their eyes met.

The memories brought her fond memories and painful memories, but the worst part was that the happy ones made her feel even worse.

It had been almost an hour later when she called her mother to bring Dylan home.

When Hitomi's mother arrived at the door, Dylan was holding her hand trying to open the mail slot. Hitomi had prepared herself to answer the door and take Dylan on, but the closer she got to the door the more her confidence slipped.

When she opened the door she was about to say something to her mother but Dylan took the words from her mouth, "mommy!"

Hitomi looked down at her son and practically collapsed on him. In one great movement, she dropped to her knees and scooped the little boy up in her arms and cradled in her arms as if she would never see him again. Unfortunately Dylan knew something was wrong.

"Mommy? What's wrong?" he asked as he continued to hug her.

Hitomi only held him tighter, not wanting him to know what had gone wrong.

"Mommy?" his little voice shook as now he was on the verge of tears.

"It's okay sweetheart, everything is fine," she tried to tell him.

"Where's Daddy?" he asked.

Hitomi slackened her grip on him as he pulled out to look at her. However as soon as her eyes met with his, she started bawling again.

"Mommy?" he was now crying a little.

"Hitomi?" her mother added.

Hitomi dried her eyes with her sleeve and continued to hold onto Dylan as she prepared herself to answer the dreaded question.

"Dylan, Daddy's not coming home... he's gone," Hitomi had no idea how to phrase it without making it too harsh, and the last thing she wanted to do was say he was sleeping or feed her child bullshit.

"What do you mean mommy?"

"You can't see him again..."

"Does he not like us?" Dylan was now crying full out.

"Of course he likes us, he adores you with all his heart, he's just -- he can't come home..." Hitomi prayed he wouldn't ask more questions for both their sakes.

Dylan hadn't said anything else, he just scooted into his mother and held on tight.

Hitomi's mother hadn't said anything, she knew what had happened and there was nothing she could do. Hitomi looked up at her mother as she began to stand with Dylan in her arms.

"Do you need me to stay?" she asked her daughter.

Hitomi nodded as her face melted into a deep frown and new tears began to pour. Hitomi's mother ushered her into the house and brought her to the couch, and say down with her. The woman said nothing, she was simply there for her daughter when she needed her most.

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