It had been a month since Sirius' death and I don't think I have moved from the couch in all that time. Maybe I had been to the toilet once I don't really remember, although, I don't think I had eaten. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything, why should I enjoy life when I had killed my cousin. If I had fought off Bellatrix he would still be alive, he would still be Harry's godfather and Harry would have somewhere to live. I, me, Nymphadora Tonks had successfully ruined Harry Potter's last chance at some normality in his life. With that there was a loud bang in the kitchen and once I had recovered from the shock I went to see what was going on.

An equally dishevelled and depressed looking Remus standing in the pile of rubbish that had built up in my kitchen.

"Tonks what is going on here?" Remus said looking at the chaotic scene in front him.

"I sacked the cleaner." I tried to make a joke to make this somewhat less uncomfortable, but it didn't work he just looked confused. "I didn't see the point in cleaning up."

"Tonks have you left the flat in the last month." I shook my head. "You look terrible you should eat something, have you even eaten anything? I shook my head again. "Come on Tonks everyone at the Order is getting worried about you they miss you, I miss you." He looked at me longingly. I missed him too it tore me apart not having his arms around me.

"You missed me?" I said pathetically it was the only thing I could force out of my mouth.

"Yes of course I missed you Tonks I love you." His cheeks filled with crimson blood, it was the first time he had ever said those three words to anyone and all I could do was stand there and gawk at him like an idiot. He started to look more uncomfortable as the silence went on.

"You love me?" Come on Tonks form a sentence. "I thought you hated me" No not that one did you really just say that?

"Why would I hate you, how could I hate you?" He looked baffled.

"Well I killed your best friend."

"Wha... you mean Sirius? Bellatrix killed him not you remember?"

"I know but it was my fault that she even got a chance to fight him. If I was a better arour then he would still be alive and she would be gone." I started to cry uncontrollably and Remus slowly put him arms around me and pulled me in close. I instantly felt better and my breathing slowed down again, I pulled him even closer I just wanted to smell him he smelt so good.

"Tonks it's not your fault no one blames you. It would have happened no matter who was fighting her, the anger she has inside of her seemed to give her that upper edge." I said nothing in reply I just sobbed quietly. He pulled away slightly and could feel the warmth in the air where his body had been, between us. "Now dry those eyes, because remember self pity doesn't suit you, and we are going to the Weasleys for some food you need to be fattened up." He said as his kissed away the tears from my face.

"Can I get changed? Because I look like a hobo right now and I smell like one too. No amount of Molly's food will disguise this odour." I smiled slightly before walking towards my bedroom. "Why are you still standing there?" I turned to face Remus who was still in the kitchen.

"I thought I would stay here and tidy while you get yourself sorted." He started to pick some of the rubbish off the floor.

"We can do that later I might need help washing in those hard to reach places. You don't want to see me struggle do you?" Grinning from ear to ear Remus walked with me to the bathroom. This is the happiest I have felt in a long time and to have his hands on me again just made it that much better. An hour and a lot of kissing later we were dry, dressed and ready to make our way to Molly's. We went in to the living room to give us more space to apparate.

"Right then I will see you in a moment then at Molly's" Remus smiled at me.

"Oh Remus before we go I just want to say one thing, I love you." His smile grew even larger as there were two loud pops as we left for Molly's. No sooner had I arrived at the Weasley house I was attacked by a whole bunch of red heads it felt like I was being mauled, I supposed in a manner of speaking I was.

"Come on kids give the poor woman some space to breath" It was so good to see Arthur again, his smile never failed to cheer me up. "Tonks" He threw his arms out for a hug. "It's wonderful to see you again the kids have been driving me crazy about when you will next be over." He chuckled to himself as he walked back in to the house.

"Darling Tonks, you look terrible, come one let me feed you up." Molly said dragging me in to the house. I could help but laugh Molly could never be accused of beating around the bush she always said exactly what was on her mind. Over the next ten minutes Molly proceeded to keep putting food in my hands for me to eat.

"Come on mum I'm sure she's full by now, let her sit down." Fred looked up from his conversation with his brother George.

"Yeah come one mum you don't want to make her sick." George piped up. Molly seemed to take the hump with her sons' comments and she walked out of the kitchen.

"Thank you guys, I don't think I could have eaten another pumpkin pasty." I sat down at the dining with them while they spoke about their new inventions for their magic shop. I enjoyed it because no one was fussing over me or mentioning Sirius, but my enjoyment was short lived when I saw Harry walk down the stairs followed by Remus. He had been in his room since I had arrived, I knew I was going to have to have this conversation eventually, but I wanted to put it off for as long as possible.

"Tonks, Harry wants to talk to you I think you need to talk to him." Remus ushered Fred and George out of the kitchen.

"Tonks I'm so sorry about what happened in the ministry with Sirius and everything. It was all my fault if I had listened to Snape with those occlumency lessons then we wouldn't have gone there and he wouldn't have been there and he would still be alive." Harry blurted the sentence out so quickly I had difficulty following it. I couldn't believe what he was saying that it was his fault.

"Harry it wasn't your fault it was mine, if I had been stronger against Bellatrix then she wouldn't have got to him. Don't go blaming yourself you-know-who is one of the most powerful wizards in the world, nobody blames you for believing him there is nothing you could have done."

"It's not your fault, Bellatrix was just too strong you can't blame yourself for that." Harry moved around the table to sit next to me.

"That's the point she shouldn't have been too strong."

"Look Tonks you are just going to make yourself feel worse if you keep blaming yourself." Harry put his hand on my shoulder.

"I can say the same to you." I looked Harry in the face.

"Ok then let's make a pact we are both going to try and not blame ourselves for it. We will just try an remember Sirius ok."

Sounds good to me, I will do my best." I stuck my hand out to shake Harry's. Suddenly the realisation that Sirius had actually gone hit me, I spent the last month blaming myself for everything that I hadn't even mourned the fact that he was gone. I had to leave and I had to leave now! I went outside to find Remus, doing my best to hold all the tears in.

"Remus can we go now?" I found him with Arthur who was explaining to him how muggles used a lawn mower.

"What's wrong?" He looked genuinely concerned.

"I just need to go home" He said bye to Arthur quickly and followed me out towards the gate, by this time I was crying so much we had to sidelong apparate because I could not gain the energy to do it myself.

"Tonks what happened between you and Harry?"

"Sirius is dead." Is all I could formulate, "just hold me". We lay on my bed and Remus held me tightly until I fell asleep.