Jessica was so excited to go to school that Monday. She couldn't wait to see Jonghyun and talk to him about the prom. Sadly, Jonghyun was absent. He didn't come to school, maybe because he was sick. That made Jessica feel sad but still hopeful. She just thought of the wonderful night she had with him. Instead of moping around and sleeping in the classroom, Jessica hung out with Seohyun and Yoona (who did not join the prom)
Jessica told her friends about the prom. She actually changed since the prom. She became proud of Jonghyun. She told them all the good things that she liked about Jonghyun and how happy she was to have Jonghyun in her life. Jessica was like this when she missed Jonghyun.
The following day, Jonghyun came to school and this made Jessica so happy. But Jonghyun was very busy with his thesis as opposed to Jessica who after passing lived the life of a god. Excited to see her boyfriend, she went to the other section's classroom with Minho a she would always do. There Jonghyun sat, watching his friends play chess. Jessica didn't feel left out anymore because she was so accustomed to this that it had become a part of her routine. It didn't sting as much as it did the first time. She tapped Jonghyun's shoulder and Jonghyun turned to look at her. He was then called by his thesis paper groupmates so that meant he had to leave Jessica. Jessica nodded and pouted. Yuri, who Minho left for thesis work, sat there with her and they talked and talked. They both had heavy hearts because their boyfriends were busy.
Later at lunchtime, Jessica went to the other section's classroom again. Jonghyun was busy playing chess once more and didn't have time to attend to her. She tapped him on the shoulder as she always did and yes, he did notice her but he seemed to be more interested in chess than in her. She pulled a chair and sat right next to Key, whom she talked with to hide her pain. Jonghyun was done with chess and pulled a chair to sit right next to her.
"Have you eaten your lunch?" he asked.
"I don't eat. I gave it to them." she pointed to Minho and Yuri who were staring blankly into each other's eyes.
"You should eat. That's why you get sick often!" Jonghyun reminded. Jessica then remembered that their monthsary was this coming week. On the 26th of February.
"Jonghyun, what do you want to do on Friday?"
"Can't. Busy. Have college stuff to do." Jonghyun said with a straight face. Jessica just pouted. She felt insignificant and she felt as if Jonghyun was no longer interested in her. His thesis groupmates called for him again and that meant having to leave her once more. Jonghyun stood up without looking at Jessica and walked with his groupmates. Jessica secluded herself and pretended to sleep in one corner. That's where she cried her heart out silently, without anyone noticing.
Except for Ga Yoon.
Ga Yoon noticed the repeated and rapid shoulder movements that Jessica was making. She hunched often and was hyperventilating. She was crying once more.
"Jessica, are you crying?" Ga Yoon asked. Jessica asked for a napkin to wipe her tears.
"Well…" she answered, removing the napkin from her face to show her all cried out look.
"What's wrong?" Ga Yoon and Jessica were never really that close but this time, Ga Yoon felt that Jessica could use some advice.
"I want to break up with Jonghyun. This relationship is bullshit. It's taking us nowhere." she said.
"What? Don't!"
"Why not?"
"Because what you have is worth keeping."
"No it's not. If he's just gonna treat me like shit then I'd rather give up. I hate him, Ga Yoon! Ga Yoon, I cry everyday because of this! Am I not pitiful?"
"Name one girl here who has never cried over her boy." Ga Yoon said firmly.
"It's not worth it, Ga Yoon. He doesn't care."
"He cares a lot. After lunch he'd get all giddy and tell us about the two of you. He's so happy, Jessica. Besides, it's gonna hurt because you'll see him everyday and when you do, you'll remember all the good times you had."
All of a sudden, the bell rang and Jessica got up, thanking Ga Yoon for the advice, though she said she wouldn't take it.
"Thanks for your advice, Ga Yoon. But I'm sticking to my principles." she said as she walked out of their classroom, all cried out. She entered their classroom all cried out with all eyes on her. People around her kept on asking what was wrong but Jessica refused to answer them and just cried with her head down on her table. The English teacher noticed Jessica and asked her if she was alright. Of course, Jessica said no and realizing what a mess Jessica was in, the English teacher allowed her to stay outside or go to the clinic. Perfect timing because Jessica's head was aching. On her way out, her classmates continued to ask her what was wrong but she ignored them and just went on crying with her hand on her forehead.
In the clinic, the first thing she did was ask for a roll of tissue paper from the nurse. The nurse handed it to her without asking any questions. She let Jessica lay on the bed for a while where she fell asleep. 40 minutes later, she woke up and sprang on her feet, ready for the next class. With the roll of tissue paper still in her hands, Jessica smiled beautifully at the nurse and thanked her for letting her stay even just for 40 minutes.
Back in the classroom, Jessica's seatmate, the black sheep of the class Kang In asked her what was wrong.
"Why are you crying?"
"Me and Jonghyun are over."
"Why?" Jessica began to cry again at Kangin's question. Kangin gave her a piece of paper and a pen. "Here, write it down here so you won't have a hard time talking." Jessica took the piece of paper and wrote her reason down. She said he had no initiative, she wasn't important to him, and he never treated her like his girlfriend. She said that to him she was just a chore. As soon as she was done writing, she handed the sheet of paper to Kangin. Kangin read it and smirked, shook his head and said,
"Immature guy." Jessica pouted and nodded.
Later that Computer time, the class worked on their projects. Jessica went with her groupmates Yoona, Seohyun, computer nerd Kevin Woo, happy-go-lucky Alexander Eusebio, smart shy-guy Ok Taecyeon and Minho. They conceptualized on their project but at some point, Alexander and Kevin couldn't help but ask her why she cried like hell. With all her confidence, Jessica said,
"We're done! I'm breaking up with him!" Alexander and Kevin gasped.
"But what about your monthsary? It's this Saturday right?" Kevin asked.
"I don't care. Forget about everything we had!" Jessica said with a playful smile on her face. Kevin and Alexander looked at each other, grinned and said…
"BITTER!" they teased her. Little did Jessica know that this was the nickname she was going to get for the remaining weeks left in school.
That night, Jessica thought hard about what she had just said. And cried just as hard, too. Was she really going to break up with Jonghyun? If she was to break up with him, she would miss all the memories they had together and she would get hurt just seeing him. Subconsicously, she was reconsidering Ga Yoon's advice. She felt like taking it but thinking about how she was used, how insignificant she felt, she decided to stick to her decision.
It was only a matter of 30 minutes before Jessica changed her mind and considered Ga Yoon's advice. She wasn't going to break up with Jonghyun. And she was about to tell him tomorrow that she was staying with him.
[TOMORROW]
Fast forward to recess time, Jessica looked for Jonghyun. She found him at the cafeteria with Key and Eunjung. She sat with them and tapped him on the shoulder. Jonghyun looked at her and faintly smiled. That's when she sensed something was wrong. Persistent, she took a stool and sat right next to him.
"Hello." Jonghyun said.
"Hi." Jessica said. They sat together awkwardly and remained as Key and Eunjung left. "I'm sorry for yesterday." Jessica said.
"It's okay."
"Do you really want our relationship to last?" asked Jessica.
"Of course I do. But sometimes I get confused because…"
"Because what?"
"Because sometimes you get very emotional and you tend to just be all over the place. And it confuses me because as far as I know I've done nothing wrong and you just cry and it hurts me more to see you getting hurt."
"But I'm not breaking up with you." Jessica blurted.
"I know. Some people came to me yesterday and asked me about it."
"Well I'm not. Forget about it. I'm not breaking up with you." Jessica said. Jonghyun just looked at her and smiled. She wanted to ask him if he felt the same way but she was too shy. Instead, Jonghyun just got up and told her to come with him.
"Let's go back. It's almost time." Sure enough, the bell rang and it was indeed time. Jessica frowned and walked with Jonghyun. Instead of crying, as she had cried her eyes out the previous night. Nearing their classrooms, Jonghyun told her that he would talk to her later.
"I have to tell you something." Jessica said sweetly.
"I think I know what it is so let me say answer you…" Jessica smiled weakly in front of him.
"I love you too." he said. "But I have to tell you something later dismissal time."
"Tell me now."
"Later dismissal time. You still have some exams ahead of you, you might not be able to concentrate."
"Is it a good thing or a bad thing?"
"Good but bad." Jonghyun said with a grin.
"Should I cry?"
"Will you cry if I cry?"
"Of course."
"Then I'll tell you later."
This made Jessica feel really impatient. Throughout the day, she didn't know whether to be happy or sad. The news wrapped her in anxiety and left her in a very nervous state.
Until dismissal time came. Jessica just waited for Jonghyun at the bench area with Yoona and Key. They were laughing and talking when Jonghyun came to them. Jessica waved her hand, motioning him to come closer.
"So what were you going to tell me?" Jessica said with anticipation.
"Can we go somewhere private?" Jonghyun asked. Jessica nodded and got up, went with him to a bench underneath a tree.
"Jessica, I think we need to end this relationship." Jonghyun said bluntly. Jessica was left in a state of shock. She couldn't move, breathe, speak. Her heart suddenly stopped beating and she felt her entire system crash. All she wanted to do was collapse there on the bench.
"Why?" was all she could mutter.
"Because I think this relationship is just hurting us both. You get emotional most of the time…" Jessica tried to stop the tears from flowing but there was nothing she could do. She covered her face and cried like she had never cried before. Her mother and her friends were right. When you fall deeper in love with someone and all of it ends, you cry the most. Jessica stood up and walked back to Key and Yoona.
"Get my jacket! Please. It's near my bag." she told Key. Key worriedly stood up and took her jacket, handed it to her. Jessica wrapped the jacket around her body and embraced Yoona, crying on her shoulder.
"Jonghyun, you asshole! Sit down here and comfort your girlfriend!" It was the first time Yoona angrily commanded someone. Her heart went out to Jessica who was close to throwing her viscera up because of intense crying. Jonghyun sat right next to Jessica and embraced her, comforting her. Yoona's mom came so she had to leave.
"Why are you doing this to me?" Jessica sobbed. This time, she really let the tears flow.
"Because I love you."
"If you really love me, you won't break up with me. So what if we fight a lot? If you're giving up on me now it means you're not up for the challenges that are ahead of us."
"It's not just that. Aside from that, you'll be leaving and when you leave, you'll leave me behind and I don't think a long distance relationship would work out."
"Why give up on the relationship now? Can't we just continue until we fall out of love?"
"What if one falls out of love ahead of the other? Won't that hurt just as much?" Jonghyun said. Jessica fell silent and just sobbed. She sobbed and sobbed and repeated the words 'I love you' to Jonghyun.
"I'm so sorry. This must be what regret feels like. I'm sorry for all the times that I acted up on you or got angry with you. I'm sorry for frequently comparing you to Lee Byung hun. He doesn't mean shit to me now because you're leaving! I guess you don't know what a good thing is until you lose it!" Jessica explained while sobbing. She looked at the clock and saw that it was already 5:30. Her mom was waiting at the front gate. She stood up and walked there while crying. Jonghyun-a last minute attempt to comfort his girlfriend-carried her bag for her and as soon as they got to the front gate, he embraced her and kissed her head.
"Don't cry, Jessica. I'll always be here for you." Jessica embraced him one last time and gathered her things. She entered her mom's car and her mom asked why she was crying. Of course, Jessica didn't want her mom to know about her and Jonghyun so she lied by saying that it was just because of grades.
Later that night, Jessica couldn't stop crying. She tried to drown her sorrow by watching TV or listening to music but neither helped. She just couldn't stop thinking about Jonghyun. Matter of fact, she still had it in her to write him a letter. One last letter before going on with her life without Jonghyun.
The doorbell rang at around 8:00 pm. Jessica rushed down to receive whoever it was. It was Yuri on her bike.
"Why were you crying earlier?" Yuri asked.
"Come in." Jessica led Yuri to the living room where they sat on the sofas.
"What's wrong?"
"Jonghyun broke up with me…" Jessica began to cry. She cried uncontrollably like she did that afternoon.
"Why?"
"He said I was too emotional…and that he was getting hurt…" she explained. "I asked him…why he was giving up on me…means he's not up for the challenges of a relationship…" Jessica wore on and on. Yuri embraced her and held her hand.
"I'm so sad for you. Feels like just yesterday we were sitting there outside your house talking about how you and Jonghyun got together and now-"
"I'm such a bad person…now I feel so sorry for myself…it was my fault. Everything's my fault! Had I not compared him to other guys, none of this would've happened. If only I was more understanding, maybe he would still be my boyfriend now." Jessica cried.
"Now you're taking back all the things you did and said." Yuri scolded her.
"I was so demanding…I expected so much from him but he was never that way to me…I rushed things…" Jessica continued to sob as Yuri rubbed her back and embraced her.
"I feel for you." Yuri said teary-eyed. "I remember the times when Minho and I would fight." Jessica looked at her and buried her face back into the handkerchief. The clock struck 8:30 and Yuri had to say goodbye.
"I have to go now. My mom might ground me." Yuri said. "Just try to talk to him about it."
"Okay."
"Don't blame yourself too much, alright?" Jessica smiled faintly and hugged Yuri. Yuri bade goodbye and left. Jessica locked the door and leaned on it, crying her heart out.
Jessica wasn't sure how she would sleep through the night knowing that she wouldn't be with Jonghyun the following day. Sleeping with a broken heart is hard but for Jessica, it was the hardest obstacle yet.
The following morning was filled with crying and sleeping. Of course, many people saw Jessica crying and they had to ask her why. Jessica told them the reason why. Crying too much made Jessica's head spin so she often fell asleep. Because of extreme heart and head pain, Jessica skipped school paper club meeting and hung out with Yuri at her house.
For the rest of the week since the breakup, Jessica had been hanging out with Yuri more and more often for support. All those hangouts were filled with laughter, sometimes near tear-breakouts but nonetheless fun. Jessica needed her companionship because whenever she was alone, she Jonghyun would cross her mind and it reduced her to tears. With Yuri's company, that was unlikely.
But one night was different.
That night, she saw Jonghyun at her classmate's house. It was that classmate's birthday and Jonghyun was invited. Jessica's heart broke at the sight of Jonghyun and Jonghyun couldn't be even more devastated. Gathering all her courage and with the desire to make things work again, Jessica called Jonghyun.
"Yes?" Jonghyun answered.
"Had I known you would be here, I would have gotten dressed." she said weakly. "I still love you, Jonghyun and I'm sorry for all the shit I did."
"You don't have to be sorry. We're still friends, right? No hard feelings?" he asked. Jessica's heart sank. She didn't want to be just friends with him. She wanted to make things right with him again. But not wanting to push herself, she just nodded and walked to Yuri. Yuri was standing there talking to others when Jessica whispered into her hair,
"I have to go, my mom's calling me."
"But it's dark. Do you want me to bring you there?"
"No, it's okay. I'll walk alone." Jessica said. Yuri nodded. "You take care of yourself, okay?"
Jessica walked home alone that night, her heart filled with Jonghyun's memory