"Jace! Jace!" Somebody was pushing him, trying to wake him up.
The voice was familiar, but it wasn't the voice that usually woke him up. This voice was loud and urgent, like it was giving orders. It didn't match those gentle whispers that he had got used to hear in the morning while the last bits of his dreams were abandoning him. Every morning he heard those whispers and his heart skipped a beat, ready for the new day. He knew she would try to make it enjoyable for him and she had never let him down. He had faith in her, because she was the one who had faith in him when he needed it. She still had faith in him and he was grateful for that.
But now he had to focus for a few moments to recognize this voice. Then he saw her picture in his mind. Her red curls and green eyes.
"Clary." He said, stretching to wake his still sleeping senses up.
"Good morning, my love." She replied.
For a moment, he felt like she had slapped him. She had never called him 'my love', not even at their most private moments. But he managed to restrain himself from staring at her in bewilderment. She loved him and he loved her. There was no reason to wonder at her choice of words.
"Good morning to you too." He said while lowering his hands back on the bed. "What are you doing here?"
"We'll spend this entire day together!" Clary's voice was extremely cheerful. "Today there will be no demons or dresses or wedding plans for me. There'll be only Jace Lightwood, Jace Lightwood and Jace Lightwood."
She was so happy about her plan. She wanted to spend the entire day with him, to enjoy his company. He should be happy, he had wished for so long for that to happen. But despite knowing he should be as happy as she was, he just couldn't feel the same enthusiasm he had heard in her voice.
But he couldn't let her see that. She would be sad and he didn't want her to be sad.
"That sounds great." He said, doing his best to sound delighted.
"I'm glad you think so." She laughed.
He nodded, but more for Clary's sake.
Somehow, he didn't want to spend the day with her. He had successfully completed a part of the training yesterday. He wanted to know what the next step in his and Victoria's practice was. Those few hours were the thing he had lived for during the last three weeks. Only now did he realize it.
It's not Clary's kisses and visits that I need so much. He surprised even himself, but there was no doubt his thoughts were true. Maybe I depended on it for the first few days, but then she started living without me and I started living without her. I thought I could never do that, but I have to admit that I did. I don't know if we've spent more than a few minutes alone every day. We definitely haven't even spent an hour together every day. She's always had something else to do.
Those thoughts hurt him, but he remembered Victoria's words: 'Truth hurts.' He knew it was the truth. He and Clary had grown away from each other. Maybe he had been wrong thinking she was the love of his life. Maybe love wasn't something one could achieve in only a few months, for how long he and Clary had known each other. Maybe they had been blinded by their emotions.
When one is in love, one thinks there's nothing that can stand in the way of that love. He saw pictures of Clary and himself back in the days after their first kiss in his mind. We wanted so much that things were different, that we weren't brother and sister. And we wanted, I wanted, to go against all rules just to be together. But what if it was only that desire for each other that made us think we loved each other? What if we were only in love, but we didn't actually love each other? Would real love break as easily as I feel our love does?
Maybe he knew nothing about love. Maybe he was more of a child than Victoria was. She had never pretended she knew anything about love and he always had done. He had always thought his love for Clary was unbreakable, completely perfect, but he couldn't help the feeling that Clary had let him down. She hadn't been there when he had needed her the most. She didn't understand, not even now, how he felt.
And if you let your loved one down, if you don't understand, how can it be called love?
He was completely uninterested in what she was saying right now. He didn't listen to her at all. He didn't want to be here with her now. He wanted to run away from her, to clear his head. It was the only way their relationship could be saved. He needed to think what to say to her, because if he told her what was in his heart right now, their relationship would be over in a second. As much as he knew it was falling apart, it didn't want it to end. He had promised himself that he would love Clary for as long as he lived. He didn't want to break that promise. Clary was still the same girl he had fallen in love with. The only question was if there was enough strength and will in both of them to make their love grow and keep it from fading.
"Jace?" He felt her hand pushing his. "Are you alright? You're not listening to me at all."
He snapped out of his thoughts; he had to.
"I'm sorry, I was…." He put a smile on his lips just to avoid making her suspicious. "What were you saying?"
"You should go tell Victoria she has a day off." She repeated, but seemed strangely too happy about it.
Jace couldn't guess what that was about, but Clary was right. He should go tell Victoria about Clary's plan.
She'll be delighted to get rid of me for a day. The thought didn't make him smile sarcastically like he had thought it would. Somehow, the world with it seemed like a lonely place. Where there was no Victoria…
I don't even know her last name. He realized. There are so many things I don't know about her. Like love, I think I know everything about it, but I actually know nothing.
He got up suddenly, not offering Clary a chance to help him. He knew perfectly well now where Victoria's room was. He could get to it on his own.
But after a few steps, he felt Clary's hand grabbing his.
"Jace, wait." She said, catching up with him. "I'll help you."
He didn't need her help. He didn't want it.
You had your chance to help me, but you didn't. He wanted to say, but kept the words to himself. He didn't want to hurt Clary, even though she had hurt him.
When they stood in front of the door that led to Victoria's room, Jace raised his hand and knocked firmly.
Surprisingly, there was no answer.
He knocked again, with the same result.
He felt pricks of worry rising within him. Victoria was always awake at this time. Even if she had decided to stay inside her room when she had seen Clary, there was no reason for her not to answer.
He remembered suddenly that he hadn't seen Victoria since she had left him and Clary yesterday. She hadn't even come to dinner and he had been escorted back to his room by Alec and Isabelle.
I can't believe I forgot her. He sighed. Something bad could have happened to her. How could I have forgotten her? She's my…
Once again, he didn't allow himself to finish that thought. It was too much of a shock, so soon after he had realized that his relationship with Clary was going in the wrong direction. He didn't know exactly how to describe his feelings for Victoria and was afraid of them. It seemed Victoria was taking Clary's place in his heart. He wasn't sure if he agreed with that or not. He didn't trust his own heart right now. Going into Victoria's room was probably the worst thing he could do.
But he didn't listen to reason. He was too worried for her. She could have passed out, could be on the brink of death. How could he abandon her now and live with himself afterwards?
He opened the door and hurried towards Victoria's bed, letting Clary's hand go in the process.
"Victoria!" He started grabbing the sheets on her bed, trying to locate her.
Suddenly, he touched something that wasn't a sheet. It was hair, Victoria's hair.
It was so smooth and light in his hand, feeling like it was made for caressing. He could guess by its length that it reached about the middle of Victoria's back. He followed it until he reached her face. At the exact moment he touched her skin, her hand grabbed his.
"What?" She asked, but her voice was still sleepy, like she didn't quite understand what was going on.
It changed in a second, after she had finally opened her eyes and seen him.
"Jace?" There was no anger in her voice, just confusion.
She let his hand go and he found himself wanting her to have held it for just a bit longer. But her hand didn't come back, even though he still didn't move his away from her face.
"Jace." He heard Clary's voice next to him; she seemed absolutely dissatisfied. "Don't you have something to tell Victoria?"
He felt Clary's hand removing his from Victoria's face. He didn't resist, even though part of him wanted to. Then he heard Victoria getting up from her bed and suddenly didn't know where to look. It seemed strange even to him, considering the fact his sight was still gone.
"I'm listening." Victoria said. He could guess that she was standing on the other side of the bed. He smiled, knowing that without her help, he wouldn't be able to know that.
"I wanted to tell you…" Jace started, but then suddenly remembered. "Do we disturb you? I mean, we dashed into your room without asking for permission, you could still be wearing your pyjamas…"
He felt his tongue starting to tangle. Every person in the room felt differently about it. He was embarrassed, Clary, who squeezed his hand tightly, was furious and Victoria, who laughed, amused.
"You don't have to worry, Jace." Victoria said and he could hear the laugh in her voice. "I fell asleep in my clothes yesterday. I'm not wearing anything inappropriate. Clary can confirm."
He sighed in relief. She didn't think he was being mean. He had also managed to make her laugh, which made him feel content. But when she mentioned Clary's name, he felt Clary's squeeze tightening again. So he went back to the reason why they had come.
"Clary said we would spend this day together." He tried to sound as indifferent as possible. "So, you have the entire day for yourself, free of worrying about me. Have fun."
Clary pulled his hand so he would follow her, but he stopped the moment Victoria spoke again.
"Do you forgive me?" She asked.
He was confused. He had no idea what she was talking about.
"What do I have to forgive?" He wondered.
There was silence after his question. Nobody answered. Then Clary pulled his hand again.
"Jace, let's go. We did what we'd come to do. Now we're just wasting our time here."
But he didn't want to leave, not until he got the answer.
"What do I have to forgive?" He repeated the question, turning towards Victoria.
She didn't answer for a few seconds, like she was deciding what to say.
"Nothing." She said at last. "I'm still a bit sleepy, I guess. I have no idea what that was. You'd better go. Enjoy your day together."
Her seeing him off like that – with not exactly a lie, but not a truth either – caught him so off guard it made him numb. It gave Clary the chance to finally lead him out of Victoria's bedroom.
While he was following his girlfriend, he didn't even think about where they were going. There was another girl on his mind. Victoria was never like this. She never said any nonsense and she had never been so impolite towards him. But he didn't have the slightest idea what was wrong with her.
I'll talk to her the moment Clary leaves. He decided. I won't ruin this day for her, but I won't either leave Victoria to face her problems alone either. She's helped me. Now it's the time for me to help her.