Gil had followed her to the bed. He woke to the feeling of being watched and languidly opened his eyes, hoping peer into hers. The eyes that met his were blue, but the belonged to Thomas. He sat, legs folded, gazing at his father. When he saw Gil's eyes open, the boy's face lit up but he remained quiet. "Shhh…" he said as his finger made its way to his lips. Then he turned and glanced at Jenny, who was still asleep. Gil thought he remembered falling asleep with Jenny in his arms but now, somehow she was on the other side of the bed with Thomas in the middle.
He was happy to see his son, but he wanted Jenny, his Jenny, in his arms. He needed to feel her, to know it wasn't a dream. Reaching past Thomas, his fingertips grazed her back. She began to stir and rolled over, a small smile on her face. Her hand folded itself into his and then she pulled them both to her lips for a contented nibble.
Thomas sensed the happiness between his parents and watched it, his own little heart filling with joy. His Mama had let his Daddy catch her. He didn't understand everything that had transpired between them; he simply felt their new connection.
He watched them all morning. His mother got up to go to the bathroom and his Daddy watched the door. Thomas saw his Daddy's smile when she came back to the bed.
Later, when they were in the kitchen to prepare breakfast, Thomas noticed that his father was always close to his mother. The alert boy didn't miss the looks and touches that passed between them. He watched as his mother leaned into his Daddy and Daddy wrapped his arms around her. Thomas saw her smile.
As they sat eating, Thomas noticed the bashful glances he gave her. One other thing Thomas noticed was that his Daddy's left hand was staying under the table, so the boy accidently dropped his fork to the floor. He giggled when he spotted Daddy's hand on Mommy's leg as he crawled under the table to get his fork. What he missed was the kiss that happened above when his parents saw the opportunity.
Gil couldn't seem to keep his eyes off her. His hands were having the same problem. He needed to see her, needed to touch her to remind himself that it was real and that she wouldn't disappear. After Sara, he was afraid; afraid that if he let her out of his sight, she'd leave. Intellectually he knew it wasn't true, but emotionally, he was afraid. So he stayed close by.
"Gil," she laughed when he followed her to the bathroom door, "what are you doing?"
He looked at her sheepishly, then his eyebrows slightly raised and his mouth fell slightly agape. "I …um…" he hesitated. "I like being near you." He decided that she might like to hear that. She laughed again as she disappeared behind the door.
Later, while Thomas napped, she sat Gil down to talk. "Gil, what is it you are afraid of? You've been watching me all day as if you think I'm going to disappear." He looked stunned and a little defensive, she thought. And as his eyes met hers, she saw his anxiety.
I…after last night…I just can't seem to …help myself?" He was grinning, but she could still see the fear in his eyes.
Jenny smirked and took a deep breath. "I think there is something you are not telling me. You're smiling but it's not reaching your eyes, Gil. Please, what is wrong?"
He looked away and let out his own deep sigh. And then he looked back to her, his eyes meeting hers. Tears formed in her eyes as she saw the blend of hope and despair in his; he didn't want to tell her, she knew; but she was determined to get him to talk. "Please Gil, no secrets…"
Taking another deep breath, he closed his eyes. She saw his shoulders tense and she knew a battle was waging within him. The reticent, secretive man battled with the passionate lover of the night before. Jenny reached out to him, taking his hand in hers and then she waited for the outcome of his inner battle.
He flinched at her contact, only slightly but she felt it. Not willing to give in however, she held onto his hand. Slowly his eyes opened and he seemed somewhat surprised by her tenacity. She was still waiting; she hadn't disappeared. He studied her for a moment and then he reached out to her, his other hand stroking her upper arm. She felt so smooth beneath his fingers, warm and…yes, solid. Her other hand left his and reached up, covering his hand over her arm. Then she took it and pulled it to her cheek, nuzzling her face into his grasp and luxuriating in the feel of his hand. Their eyes locked and this time, she saw only love. Her eyes questioned his and finally he decided to respond.
"I'm afraid," he said forlornly.
"Of what?"
"That…" he swallowed with difficulty and then seemed to be mustering strength to continue, "…you'll leave me…"
His expression was heartbreaking, she thought. And then she remembered what he'd told her about Sara. He'd risked everything, gone way out of his comfort zone for her, and in the end, she'd left him. Now he was afraid she would do the same thing. Things had seemed so simple last night, so wonderful. He'd opened himself completely to her and shown her his most tender side and having done that, he was afraid she would leave him; that he'd be left alone again.
"Do you want me to…leave, I mean?"
His eyes flashed and he seemed to bore a hole in her. "No, I don't."
"Good, because I like being with you…"
"But you already have a life…back East." He looked away.
"I have a business; that's not a life. Look, we have things to work out…geography among them, but I want you in my life. I want to be in yours."
"God, I want that too Jenny," he said as he pulled her to him. He held her tightly as he continued, "I want it more than I've ever wanted anything. I want us to be a family…a real family. I don't want to make scheduled visits to see my son, I want to see him everyday…be there for him. And I want to see you everyday too; I need you."
She could hear his heart beating in his chest, rapidly hammering. She suspected that hers was just as loud. "I want that too, Gil. I want you next to me, to wake up every morning like I did this morning…well, maybe not with Thomas in the middle…but I want us to be forever."
He pulled away and looked at her. There was so much life in his face, she thought. So much hope and happiness. "Forever? Then …then…we need to get married," he said eagerly.
She couldn't help it, she giggled. "Need to? I don't know…but want to, oh yeah…"
He started to kiss her and then his head popped up. He reminded her of Thomas when he got really excited about something. "Wait right here," he told her. "I'll be right back…" and he headed for the steps. She was smiling as she watched him. Then he turned about three steps down, "you won't move will you?"
"No, I'll be right here…waiting for you." He smiled and then almost ran down the stairs. She knew he had bad knees and was waiting for him to topple over, but he seemed oblivious to any earthly concerns. When he reached the bottom, he disappeared into the back of the apartment briefly and then reappeared, taking the steps two at a time as he came up. Settling next to her on the couch, he stopped, took a deep breath, and then slid down to one knee.
"Jenny, there are so many things I am feeling right now, so many things I want to say, and all I can put into words is I love you and I want you to be my wife, be mine forever. I want you and Thomas and me to be a family." He took her left hand, slipped a ring on her finger, and then looked hopefully back at her. She gazed at the ring. "It's beautiful," she smiled, looking from it to him.
"It was my grandmother's. My mother gave it to me and told me to only give it to a very special woman, one who fills my heart with joy and makes me happy, someone who knows me, understands me and loves me because of who I am. Someone like you."
Jenny looked at it again, overwhelmed. "Did you..." she took a deep breath. "Did you give it to Sara?" She didn't know why she asked and winced as soon as she realized what she had said.
He winced too. She saw him tense up. Then he shook his head. "No, I didn't." He looked away for a second and then looked back into her eyes. "I…intended to but before I did…"
"She left…" Jenny finished for him. He nodded sadly. "Gil, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."
He stared into her eyes but began to relax. "I…its okay. I want …I'm trying to …to be more open with you. I think…maybe if …" he took a deep breath. "Maybe if I'd been more open with her…"
"Gil, maybe we should put this on hold. Maybe you should go find her, talk to her. Maybe, it is her you need to be with."
His brow furrowed as he looked into her face. He was studying her intently, trying to understand why she was saying what she said. She felt the intensity of his look, knew he was questioning, but she waited for him to speak.
He scooted back onto the couch next to her. Staring at the floor, he took several deep breaths. "I don't want to," he said finally. "I don't want to keep trying to make something work that never will. I…still love her, but it isn't enough. With you," he turned his head to look at her, "with you I have a chance. I meant it when I said you are easy for me to be with. You…get me. And even when you don't, you…understand that it's just the way I am. You don't expect me to be something I'm not. People used to call me the Tin Man and accuse me of being a robot…even Sara. I'm not. I feel things just as everyone else does, I just don't show it like they do. You saw through that from the beginning. And…" Her heart tightened as she saw the anguish he was feeling as he tried to express what he was thinking. "I'm different; I know that. It isn't that I'm smarter than anyone else, it is the way I think, the way I process knowledge and information and what I do with it…I'm just different. You accept that. And most people …irritate me on some level. But…I like being with you. You don't expect me to be like everyone else. No one, except my mother, no one has ever been… able to …to tolerate me like that. But …you…do." He sounded relieved, almost surprised with himself for getting it all out.
"Tolerate you?" She sounded almost angry. "I don't just tolerate you, Gil. Yes, you are different. It's a very large part of why I love you. You have a different way of looking at things, of thinking about things. You make me see things in a different way. You are far more interesting than any other man I've ever met. I'm sure there will be times when I am frustrated or angry with you, but it will never be a question of tolerance."
His eyes were sparkling. "You're upset," he said flatly.
"Upset?" She hesitated. He watched, she was now the one with an inner conflict playing behind her eyes. "Yes, I suppose I am…that you feel you need to be only tolerated…that you've been treated like that. Oh, I can see where people might have misinterpreted your demeanor, but surely, your friends have taken the time to get beneath all of that and know the man that I know. Surely, they do more than just tolerate you…And Sara? Where did she fit into all of this?"
He couldn't decide if she was upset with him or the other people in his life. Consequently, he settled back, putting a small distance between them that felt like a great chasm. Sadness returned to his eyes as his stoic mask fell across his face. And he withdrew inwardly.
Jenny watched the change come over him and realized she had hurt him. She put her hand on his arm, his gaze fell to it and he just stared. He was in full retreat, she realized. "Gil, I'm sorry…it does anger me that you feel you need to be tolerated. You are so much more than just someone to be tolerated. And honestly, having seen you with your friends here, I don't think that's the case. But somehow, people have made you feel that way. My god, Gil, she said scooting closer to him, "you are such a good man, so gentle and kind, passionate and caring…they called you a robot…totally missed how deeply you feel things. There is nothing for me to tolerate, I love you…everything about you…and it upsets me that you feel that way…that you need to be tolerated. I hate that word," she said vehemently.
"I used to not let myself feel things," he said, as he slowly looked up, dejected. "It…it was Catherine that made me begin to open up to my feelings. She…it hurt sometimes, the way she pushed me. She told me I had no personal life…that I shut myself up in my townhouse…away from life. And she was right. But she helped me…pushed me to share a little of myself with her and with others and slowly I begin to let people in, her especially…and later Sara. But it was difficult. Often, I messed things up, said the wrong thing or waited too long to say anything…and it hurt; it hurt them and it hurt me. But eventually it got better. And it was as if they were this little family around me; Jim and Catherine…the team…and Sara. Catherine encouraged me with Sara, although she didn't realize it. Oh, they'd roll their eyes at me sometimes when I was being extreme, but they accepted that it was just me being…me. In some ways, they quit trying to understand and just accepted it. And that was okay.
But when Sara left…especially the second time, everything just feel apart for me. Warrick had died in my arms; he was one of the team and almost like a son to me and he was shot. I was the first to get to him…" Gil stopped and sighed. "I…um …miss him a lot. Sara came back as soon as she heard and I thought maybe…hoped that…" Jenny saw the tears that he refused to shed sitting in his eyes. "She wanted us to go away, get away from this place. Its true that the team was already short handed and my leaving would have been…too much probably. But I…hesitated because, well…I just couldn't decide. And no decision is a decision too, I suppose. By not deciding, I decided to stay here…and she left. Problem was, after years of not letting my emotions out, there were suddenly so many of them and I didn't know what to do with it all…I still don't.
But with you…you seem to know that I'm feeling all of these things and you understand. You get me to talk, without forcing it…well, most of the time. And you accept where I am, emotionally, I mean. ..no judging, no pushing, just acceptance. I feel more…more …" he seemed to be struggling for the right word. ",,,more stable, than I have in…over a year. Maybe longer.
Everybody was looking to me to be this…this…super being, I suppose. I'm not quite sure what they expected but I know I failed their expectations. They were used to me being the robot, no emotions, master crime solver; and I was falling apart. I was jelly inside, afraid of everything, of making the wrong move, making a bad decision…and I was making mistakes too…with the evidence, I mean. That's why I've decided to leave the job…" He sighed and was quiet, introspective.
Jenny thought for a moment about all that he said. "Grief does that, you know…makes you not want to decide things or else make rash unwise decisions. It's hard to focus when you're grieving…hard to think clearly." She looked at the ring on her finger and then slowly slid it off. "I …think you should keep this awhile longer," she said sadly. "You're still grieving. You need time to think this through…"
He looked at her, shaken. "I…no, I want this…"
She put the ring in his hand. "And I do too. But it has to be right, for both of us. There's no reason to rush, Gil. I meant what I said; I'm waiting for you…whenever you are ready. But I think you have some things to deal with first…and I think you should talk to Sara, just to be sure…."
He shook his head, "no, I don't need to talk to her. I know what I am feeling …about you and about Thomas. I wasted my chance with her and I'm not going to miss this chance. You don't need me like Sara did and…and …that's good. But Thomas does need me; he needs his father. And I need both of you; you're my last, best chance at happiness." He took her hand and put the ring back on her finger. "Please Jenny, trust me with this. I know what I am doing. I am still grieving, but I'm also moving forward now…and I want to do that with you."
She looked into his eyes and smiled. "Then …yes, I would love to marry you. Nothing could make me happier.
His face lit up, all his grief and sadness falling away. "Really?" he asked gleefully, almost childlike. "Really," she answered, almost as happily. His lips crashed into hers, sealing the commitment with a kiss and then he pulled her closer into a huge hug.
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Many thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter! I must say it was invigorating. I hope this chapter passes muster.
I'm debating an idea I had but am not sure if I want to use it. Do we want Sara to put in an appearance? And should I put one of these folks in immediate danger? Let me know what you think. My mind is churning and coming up with several ideas and I need a little help sorting it out. Thanks.